z

Young Writers Society


16+

The Moon Needs Her Night Chapter 20

by inktopus


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

The journey to Yuni’s home- Asha still didn’t know the name- seemed simultaneously short and agonizingly long. Compared to her meandering path across the Kuhwan plains, this was a relatively short excursion, but without the comforting company of Yuni’s chatter, the two days of travel stretched longer and longer, like a race whose finish line was moved ahead every time it was in sight. Still, the trip was only two days, so it wasn’t long before she finally saw the capital.

It was unlike anything she had ever seen. The feeling was similar to when she had first arrived in Merdon, but this was so much more. The path they took to the city lead the party directly through a sprawling marketplace. Colorful tents of red and yellow jostled each other for space as vendors shouted their wares. Short tables like the ones Asha had seen at the garrison before were piled with strange fruits and vegetables. Buyers bargained for wares in that familiar but foreign language Asha had begun to recognize. Their voices floated above the marketplace in the open air, mixing into a nauseating cacophony of sound.

While most of the vendors and buyers didn’t notice the small party weaving their way around the stalls, Asha could still feel the eyes of a few curious people burning into her back. She knew it was because she looked so different from the rest of them, but it put her on edge nonetheless. After being on the run, feeling watched turned into something much more important than just discomfort.

Weaving through the chaotic market was the longest part of their trip through the city. After the market, it transitioned into what looked like a middle-class residential section of the city. Coming down the road, Asha spotted something that she had never seen in her life. A carriage, not unlike what was common in Malland, pulled by a shaggy yet slender horned animal. It was a mottled, muddy brown with antlers that forked and branched off into tapered points that looked as deadly as daggers.

Kazuko held up a hand and the carriage rolled to a gentle stop, the animal pulling it so close now to Asha that she could very nearly feel its breath huff from its nose. For a moment, she gazed into its eyes, glassy and brown and so deep and old. She could scarcely imagine why such a noble and wise creature would allow itself to be harnessed to a carriage. A calloused hand hit her back and began to guide her to the step up into the carriage. She allowed Kazuko to lead her into the carriage, settling herself on the seat next to Yuni and opposite him. It was silent in the carriage except for the cadence of the deer-like animal’s hooves on the stone paved road.

Asha decided not to look out onto the street. Instead, she studied the faces of Kazuko and Yuni. As always, the nuances of Kazuko’s face were unfamiliar to Asha, so his stoic facade was uninterpretable to her. Yuni’s face, while unexpressive and therefore difficult to read, was well known to Asha, and even the tiniest twitch of her lips could speak sentences. An almost imperceptible wrinkle in her brow told Asha everything. Yuni was deep in her head. As much as she tried to hide it, those eyes always told the truth, and at that moment, they were trained toward the window, painted with worry. Even though she wanted to, Asha knew she couldn’t say anything. She was already asking too much of Yuni.

The halt of the carriage jostled Asha. Curious, she peered outside for the first time. Stone walls as high as two or three people standing atop one another loomed in the small window. Though she couldn’t see the gates, she could hear the creak of the doors swinging open and the click of hooves starting to pull the carriage again.

---------

Asha found herself alone in a cavernous hallway. Kazuko and Yuni had taken some impossible to remember turns and had left her. This was possibly the most awkward situation she had ever been in. And, at school, there had been a lot. There were several that were hard to top, but this took the cake. She was in the palace of a foreign country, no one around to tell her what to do or where to go. She’d probably be thrown in a dungeon for a conspiracy to assassinate the king or some such nonsense. Not that she could blame anyone who thought that. She didn’t exactly look like she belonged, and no one except Yuni and Kazuko knew that she was even in the palace to begin with. Hopefully, having the princess’s word would be enough.

Footsteps echoed down the hallway, and Asha’s heart began to race. A young man about her own age emerges from the darkness of the hall. His clothes, though simple, exuded elegance and wealth. Just from several feet away, Asha spied gold glinting at his throat and peeking out from silky, black hair at his temples.

When the man spotted her, he paused in his assured stride, eyeing her puzzledly. Her eyes found a book gripped in his right hand. Rich clothes and books? Her best hope was to explain herself in Mallandish and hope that he knew the language.

She opened her mouth to speak, but he beat her to it. “Who are you?” he asked, striding up. His voice was dripping with the same accent that Yuni’s voice was lightly sprinkled with.

Asha paused for a moment. Saying too much could ruin Yuni’s attempt at getting help from Yamuko, but saying nothing at all would definitely get her thrown in a cell. “I’m a mage. I came here with Princess Yuni.”

The man’s eyes widened, and Asha realized that while they weren’t black, they were quite close to that color. “Yuni is here?” he exclaimed, his voice echoing through the hallways. Though he and Asha were the only ones present, he looked chastised following his outburst. After a beat of silence, he narrowed his eyes. “How is one to know you are telling the truth?”

“She is in the building,” Asha replied, just holding back a snort. This man looked important though she didn’t know his exact rank. She’d do well not to offend him.

“Where?” he countered.

Asha sighed. This was definitely going to get her thrown in a dungeon. “She left me here. I don’t know the palace, so I’ve been waiting around for her to come get me again. I don’t know where she went other than down that hallway,” Asha said, pointing to the hallway opposite the one he came from.

The man mumbled something to himself in his own language and brushed past Asha with a familiar sort of intensity. Stunned for a second, Asha watched him enter the hallway she had indicated. Not about to be left behind again, Asha dusted herself off and took off after him.


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425 Reviews


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Sun Mar 25, 2018 2:41 am
Vervain wrote a review...



Storm! I'm so glad to have caught up on this and be reading this chapter! Time to jump into the nitty gritty with a review. c:

Overall: You already know I love the story in general so much. I see a lot better pacing here than in the previous sections and it makes me so happy to be reading this again. I think the biggest downfall here was that the chapter was almost entirely without any interaction, which takes away from the personal involvement in the world. It's understandable, but I wish it could be solved somehow.

Details:

First, why don't more people speak the same languages as Asha? If this place is multicultural at all, it's likely there are traders or caravans from Kuwha or Malland that Asha would be able to focus on as she passes through the city. Obviously she can't stop and talk so much, but even if she caught snippets of conversation it would break up the monotony of description.

Second, maybe Asha tries to start a conversation with Kazuko and Yuni but it gets shut down? Maybe she tries to talk to Yuni and Kazuko shuts her out by talking in the language of Yamuko. Consider Asha's character in her silence -- what does it say about her?

And I like the character of the young man you introduce later in the chapter. He seems like he has the potential to be interesting.

Finally, have some nitpicks!

a race whose finish line was moved
"Whose" is incorrect here; "where the finish line was moved" would be a better phrase to use.

Colorful tents of red and yellow
This already tells me that colorful dyes are common in Yamuko -- so it intrigues me because red, at least, is a color usually reserved for royalty in many cultures worldwide. Just a thought, totally inconsequential, but it would be so cool if there were like, "regal" colors and whatnot here, too.

Keep writing! I love it!




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Mon Mar 19, 2018 1:22 am
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hihihihihi I'm here! I didn't get a position in a society that I wanted today so I'm throwing myself into YWS and this is my first review stop! Also I've missed the characters and stuff xD

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Coming down the road, Asha spotted something that she had never seen in her life. A carriage, not unlike what was common in Malland, pulled by a shaggy yet slender horned animal. It was a mottled, muddy brown with antlers that forked and branched off into tapered points that looked as deadly as daggers.

This is a teensy bit confusing because it says that Asha has never seen this thing, then immediately describes a thing that she has seen ie the carriage. Probably just switch this round by describing the animal then saying something like "though it was pulling a carriage not unlike what was common in Malland."

the animal pulling it so close now to Asha that she could very nearly feel its breath huff from its nose

I think it would be more impactful if she actually could feel its breath.

For a moment, she gazed into its eyes, glassy and brown and so deep and old

My lord that was a nice line.

She was already asking too much of Yuni.

I'm not really sure what Asha means here.

This was possibly the most awkward situation she had ever been in. And, at school, there had been a lot. There were several that were hard to top, but this took the cake. She was in the palace of a foreign country, no one around to tell her what to do or where to go. She’d probably be thrown in a dungeon for a conspiracy to assassinate the king or some such nonsense. Not that she could blame anyone who thought that.

This made sense when I finished it but I was confused halfway through because I thought she'd be scared rather than embarrassed. Like, the only people she knows in the entire country have abandoned her and she's already been really nervous, I just assumed that was where that would go.

A young man about her own age emerges from the darkness of the hall.

Random tense change.

Saying too much could ruin Yuni’s attempt at getting help from Yamuko, but saying nothing at all would definitely get her thrown in a cell.

It's not immediately obvious why.

The man’s eyes widened, and Asha realized that while they weren’t black, they were quite close to that color.

I think this might be the slightly clunky language you quite often pick up in my writing.

“Yuni is here?” he exclaimed, his voice echoing through the hallways. Though he and Asha were the only ones present, he looked chastised following his outburst. After a beat of silence, he narrowed his eyes. “How is one to know you are telling the truth?”

Ooooh rival love interest? Infatuated guy who could become problematic? *strokes chin*

brushed past Asha with a familiar sort of intensity.

Oh. Maybe a sibling?

Not about to be left behind again, Asha dusted herself off and took off after him.

Slightly jarring that you use her name rather than "she" here.

Overall:

Hrmmmmm who is the mystery man. I am much intrigued. I've got two theories, as mentioned above, but you've done really well at balancing just the right amount of details to get me interested and not over foreshadow.

The thing that's confusing me is I have absolutely no idea why she was left alone. Like, did they just walk off and forget about her? That seems unlikely. Did they tell her to stay and be all mysterious like saying they'll be back but they're not to follow her? Something of an explanation here would be useful.

The fear as she goes through the place is good. I like that there isn't much talking because it means that we're like in Asha's head, which makes sense because Asha feels so isolated. That's really immersive; good job!

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




inktopus says...


Sorry for the very belated reply, but I think that I meant that she had never seen the animal in her life. I'll try to clear that up in the 2nd draft!




i, too, use desk chairs for harm and harm alone
— Omni