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Young Writers Society


16+

The Moon Needs Her Night Chapter 19

by inktopus


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Once her brain no longer felt like soup, Asha opened her eyes to see a well lit, rather brown room. However, before she scoped her surroundings further, she glanced over at Yuni. Her companion held a loosely fisted hand over her mouth as her eyes danced around the room. Though her mouth was hidden, her smile was plainly painted on her entire face. She whispered something in her own language to herself, shaking her head and looking at the floor. Following her gaze, Asha noticed that the room was very different from what she was used to seeing.

There was a small wooden step up from the level they were currently standing at, and rows of strange looking sandals, toes all pointing toward Asha. Yuni’s familiar voice brought Asha out of her thoughts. “Asha, take off your shoes,” Yuni commanded as she pulled off her own boots, placing them next to another pair of those strange sandals. Not knowing what else to do, Asha followed suit, untying the laces of her boots and placing them beside Yuni’s.

Without a word or even a friendly expression, Kazuko handed Asha a strange pair of fabric slippers. Once again, she looked to Yuni to figure out what exactly she was supposed to do. She sat next to her on the wooden step, pulling on the slippers in exactly the same way she saw Yuni do it.

From the step up, Kazuko gazed down at Asha, his eyes boring straight through her. Shuddering, she imagined his gaze actually putting a hole straight through her chest. She almost sighed aloud when he turned to Yuni to say something to her. With a small incline of her head, she stood and motioned for Asha to follow. In perfect sync, Asha stepped onto the main floor and trailed a beat behind Yuni.

“He is taking us to see the commander of this base,” Yuni whispered. Asha nodded almost imperceptibly, taking in the unfamiliar opulence of the halls. The walls were gridded with thin wooden slats with a material a shade between white and brown stretched between them. Gleaming boards ran the length of the floor, and Asha felt almost guilty for stepping on something so spotless. Perhaps that was why they changed shoes, Asha mused.

Asha was almost startled when Kazuko and Yuni stopped; there was nothing to denote a doorway or turn in the hallway. Before she could consider this much more, Kazuko reach out and slid a panel of the wall to the right. For a split second, the breath leaving her lungs halted. She glanced at Yuni to gauge her reaction. Her face was unmoving, like a stone. It seemed that all the emotion that Yuni had held during the long journey had seeped out of her. The tiny tilt of her lips was gone. Her brown eyes no longer crinkled in a perpetual smile and they had lost their shine. Asha's stomach dropped. Her hand twitched at her side as she followed Yuni and Kazuko into the secret room. It was all she could do not to take Yuni by the hand and ask her what was wrong.

The floor almost crunched beneath her feet. Through the thin fabric slippers she could feel the bumpy fibers. At a low desk, a man sat, looking up at the trio. His eyes slid over the group, and Asha found it impossible to gauge his reaction until his eyes landed on Yuni. Even then, they only widened minutely as he elegantly- although it seemed that from his own standards it could be seen as scrambling- stood upright from his kneeling position, saying something in a language that was beginning to sound familiar to Asha's ears even if she didn't understand the words.

Yuni replied in her steady voice, and Asha almost breathed a sigh of relief when she heard that her voice had not changed with her face. A hand shot out and tugged Asha down by her sleeve. Apparently, they were sitting down. Glancing at Kazuko and Yuni, Asha copied their posture the best she could. She let their unintelligible words wash over her.

Several minutes passed; Asha began to fidget. Her eyes roved the room, drinking in the smallest detail. Hands began to stroke the strange floor. Attempting to discreetly inspect the floor, she came to the conclusion that it was probably made of some sort of grass. Nothing like what she had encountered at home or in Malland. She continued idly feeling the flooring. It was somehow soothing.

“This might take a while,” Asha heard to her right. She jumped when Yuni’s warm breath touched her ear. Goosebumps rolled down her back. When had she leaned in?

After that, Asha stopped touching the floor. With nothing to fidget with, she clasped her hands together and tried not to shift around on her knees too much. Her feet were beginning to tingle. Stealing a glance at Yuni and Kazuko, she wondered how they could hold the position for so long. Neither of them looked uncomfortable.

Several more minutes passed. To pass the time, Asha started trying to see if she could recognize any of the words they were saying. She couldn’t. The minutes began to pass progressively slower. Just as Asha was certain that she would be sitting there forever, everyone stood up. At first, she hadn’t noticed, but when Yuni called her name, she shot up immediately, her face growing warm. It took some effort to keep from stamping the blood back into her feet, but she refrained.

Without another word spoken to her, they were led out of the room by Kazuko and down the hallway to another hidden room. Asha was beginning to suspect that all of the rooms were hidden like this, though she couldn’t imagine why. Perhaps it was for security purposes?

Kazuko and Yuni exchanged some words and then he left, sliding the door shut behind him. The room wasn’t dissimilar to the one they had just been in, but the furniture was different. There were two rolls of what looked like fabric. Asha recognized these as bedrolls; when she was a child, she had slept on something similar. There was a wooden chest and a table tucked away in the corner.

“So what’s going on?” Asha asked, sitting down- cross legged as she preferred. Yuni sat the way she had before the commander: knees and feet flat against the floor, back rigidly straight.

“They are going to take us to the palace. It will only take a day. Two at the most.” Yuni’s accent seemed stronger than Asha had ever heard it.

Asha nodded. It took her a full minute to decide to say something. “What’s wrong.”

Yuni fidgeted for the first time that day. “Noth-”

Asha cut her off. “Something is wrong. You’ve been distant. You look different. I know you, Yuni. I can tell that something is wrong.”

“I’m just,” Yuni paused, voice dropping to something just above a whisper, “nervous.” Asha almost didn’t want to ask. It felt like it would somehow devalue Yuni’s feelings. Fortunately, Asha didn’t need to ask. “I have not seen my family in a long time. I have let them down by running away from my engagement. It was my duty to secure an alliance, and now I am arriving home without the alliance, but we are going to my home to beg them to join a war.”

Asha couldn’t say anything. It was all her fault.What if Yuni’s family hated her? Or worse- what if they hated Yuni?

After that, there was no more talking, and Asha learned that silence could be far too loud. Yuni unrolled her bedroll. Asha unrolled hers. Both of them laid down. Asha was cold. Colder than she had ever felt before.


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Mon Jan 29, 2018 1:43 am
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Alright, let's do this!

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Perhaps that was why they changed shoes, Asha mused.

I don't think you need the "Asha mused".

Asha was almost startled when Kazuko and Yuni stopped

Also don't think you need the "almost".

It seemed that all the emotion that Yuni had held during the long journey had seeped out of her. The tiny tilt of her lips was gone. Her brown eyes no longer crinkled in a perpetual smile and they had lost their shine. Asha's stomach dropped. Her hand twitched at her side as she followed Yuni and Kazuko into the secret room. It was all she could do not to take Yuni by the hand and ask her what was wrong.

I adored this. This is so detailed and specific that it really feels like I'm in a person's thoughts, not just the generic reaction of a person to another person being different.

although it seemed that from his own standards it could be seen as scrambling

How exactly could she tell this?

When had she leaned in?

Quick thing - is this Asha not realising that she herself had subconsciously leaned in towards Yuni, or being so spaced out she hadn't noticed Yuni leaning towards her?

Perhaps it was for security purposes?

This seems like such a plausible solution that she'd assume this rather than wonder it.

“What’s wrong.”

Missing question mark.

It felt like it would somehow devalue Yuni’s feelings.

How devalue and not like, pry too forwardly?

What if Yuni’s family hated her? Or worse- what if they hated Yuni?

Awww that's so sweet. That is such a good sign, caring more about the other person than about you. Oh also you missed a space before that first sentence.

Overall:

Okay, I just want to say that I am so glad to read something other than journeying! You are very good at journeying, but that went on quite long, so it's a breath of fresh air.

You have captured Asha's fear excellently. That is exactly how I would imagine her to feel in a place she doesn't understand, and where she is the only one who doesn't understand - nervous about not being in control of what's happening to her. I also adore her attitude towards Yuni in this chapter and love that relationship in general.

Yuni and Kazuko are also done well. Especially the build-up of Yuni's fretting until we finally find out what's bugging her. That makes me really sympathise with Asha, because I see that she can't be inside Yuni's head, and how hard that is for her. Would maybe have been nice if Kazuko had said something directly to Asha (with Yuni translating) so we could get an idea of his attitude towards Asha, but I'm sure that kind of stuff will come.

Okay, I think this is the criticism I have come up with, though from my comment on discord you can tell how marginal it is: following on from what I just said about Kazuko, maybe slightly more characterisation of him and the man behind the desk. I like the thing about the man's elegance, but what I really want to gauge is hostility towards Asha, because I am curious how these people are likely to feel about the war.

Hope this helps (or at least makes you feel like you're on the right track),
Biscuits :)




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Sun Jan 28, 2018 3:47 pm
Radrook says...



No offense intended and if I do I apologize. Did you intend that introduction to be comical? That's the effect it had on me. So the humorous mood was what I got by reading it. I burst out laughing actually. So I would phrase these things differently in the intro if indeed this isn't a humorous composition.




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Sun Jan 28, 2018 1:37 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



Hi there Storm. This is Kays here dropping in for a review on Review Day as I attempt to write another review--let's see how this ends up going. I certainly don't expect to reach 30 or 40 reviews as I once imagined I may, but I'll do what I can. Let's begin.

I haven't read The Moon Needs Her Night in awhile and I have little idea as to what occurred in the last chapter I read (I assume a bunch of chapters behind this one) but I'll try my best to give this a review and let's start off by saying that the very first sentence in the first paragraph is worded oddly? I'd suggest changing that for a better flow in that area. The description 'rather brown room' doesn't help your case, either, but that's a very minor issue with this chapter.

Her companion held a loosely fisted hand over her mouth as her eyes danced around the room.


I don't mean to nitpick but 'loosely fisted hand' definitely doesn't sound right here!

I'm positive that I've said most of this in other reviews regarding your prose but I wanted to talk about your description. It's not that the description in this chapter isn't here (at points there's definitely an imbalance of the amount of description used and the lack of imagery seems to be a problem you're currently struggling with) but instead I found the description to be on the more...ineffective side. For somebody like me with issues in the visualization department, that's kinda a set-back.

I'm sure my opinion differs from those who like the description sparse or only here and there but I failed to form images in my head. Notice how I said that the description is 'ineffective'--let's talk more about what I mean by that. What I mean by ineffective is that, while there's description in the chapter, said description doesn't appeal to the senses or create a strong image.

I definitely suggest working on that and while I'm not saying your prose needs to become purple and filled with flowery descriptions and imagery, I am suggesting to keep the current style of being brief and to the point. Add images that have a purpose to the novel--whether that be for there to be backstory told about the image, for that object to later serve a purpose or to simply build the scene.

Alright, off of that ramble, I realized that not a lot occurred in this chapter? I have to say that the best part of this chapter comes near the end with that last sentence hitting fairly hard--I imagine hitting even harder on those who have read the rest of the novel, too. The emotions and tensions are easily the high point of the chapter: capitalize on that. Use that to your full advantage. Overall, while your descriptions in no means terrible, it's just an aspect of your writing that can be improved upon and even though I haven't read the rest of the novel I felt emotions at the end of the chapter for the two main characters and their situation--nice job on that.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.





Generally speaking, a howling wilderness does not howl: it is the imagination of the traveler that does the howling.
— Henry David Thoreau