Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Asha found herself sitting beside the pond that lay in the middle of the courtyard. Colorful fish circled around the crystalline water, scales flashing as if they were made of pure gold. The rock on which she perched was shaded by a small tree in bloom with millions of little flowers. Each tiny blossom was white around the edges, its rounded petals curling in to cup a secret. Curious, Asha plucked a bloom from the tree and twirled it between her fingers, examining every miniscule aspect of the flower. Inside each bloom, a tiny, blood red starburst lay, fading first to pink and then to the white of the outer petals.
A malevolent feeling welled up inside of Asha. Self doubt and jealousy intertwined inside her. Would Yuni even need her now that she was with her family? She certainly seemed to prefer the company of Aiya over Asha.
Asha groaned, tossing the flower into the pond. “Selfish,” she muttered.
A gentle breeze floated the flower across the water, fish coming up to nibble at the petals. She watched as it slowly sank to the bottom.
Soft footsteps alerted Asha to a new presence. She turned to see the man that she had chased to the room in which she had found Yuni and Kazuko. “Mother has not yet found a servant who speaks Mallander. She requested that I assist you until a suitable substitute has been found.”
“Mother?” Asha whispered. “You are Yuni’s brother,” she said.
“Yes. And you are a mage. Like I am.”
“You’re a mage?” Asha asked.
He inclined his head as Yuni was wont to do. “I would like to speak with you about Mallander styles of spellcasting. However, first I must escort you to the evening meal. That is why I have been sent.”
He stepped forward, offering a hand. Asha grasped it, and he helped her up. “Thank you.”
“It is my honor. The palace seldom has guests. Well, interesting guests. I am very,” he paused, searching for the right word, “excited to get to know you.”
Asha didn’t say anything. She didn’t know what to say. It turned out that she didn’t need to say anything as the prince began to lead her inside. He chattered enough for the both of them, and Asha found herself reminded of Yuni during those long days of travel. He talked mostly about his recent experiments with magic, and while Asha found herself interested by his exploits, she couldn’t help but be distracted.
Thoughts of Yuni and what she was doing filled her mind. Huffing, she shook her head as if to physically clear her mind of those unwanted thoughts. She had to focus on something else. Such a fixation had to be unhealthy.
Yuni, after an initial conversation about getting her parents to assist in the fight against Malland, had all but disappeared, and Asha found that she had to find other ways of occupying her mind. For the past months, she had a goal. Now, with no skills in diplomacy for her to contribute, she had to find something to distract her and use this newfound free time.
She found a willing, perhaps too willing, friend in Eijin. Asha still had no idea whether it was acceptable to use the first names of princes and princesses, but no one had thrown her in a dungeon yet, so she figured that it was permissible.
The palace, she had found, seemed to be nearly endless. However, there was one place that she spent most of her time. There was a library. A beautiful, magnificent library filled with magical tomes from times long disremembered penned by the powerful hands of famous and forgotten mages. Long into the night, Asha and Eijin poured over the tomes, written in Yamukan, Mallander, and languages that had been dead for centuries.
And they talked. Argued about magical theory and historical results from contested experiments.
It was the first time in years Asha had been able to talk about magic to someone who viewed her as an equal.
“So, you see, Asha,” Eijin said, “Ramokan did not make any mistakes in his calculations. He simply did not know that magic does not use all the energy required to cast a spell.”
Asha smirked. “Well, if that’s the case, then I suppose that we will be able to recreate the experiment.”
Eijin’s face dimpled and a gleam unique to himself glittered in his eye. “I suppose so.”
Letting out a laugh, Asha picked up the book they were debating from the table. “Some of the names for these components are quite archaic. I hope we can decipher them, let alone have them on hand.”
“The palace’s stores of magical tools and knowledge are unrivaled anywhere else in Yamuko. This room is only my private collection. If what we seek is not located here, I am certain that the library open to the public has what we require,” Eijin said.
“There’s more?” Asha breathed.
Eijin chuckled. “So much more.”
“And so much of it is open to the public. That’s amazing. Only the high mages in Malland have access to the rarest magical texts.”
He frowned. “Knowledge is power. Yamuko is successful because our citizens empower themselves through learning. Our technology and magical advancements far exceed Malland’s. Everyone deserves to understand.”
Asha nodded gravely. So much information had been kept from her, first because she was a young student and then because of her heritage. “Shall we continue with the experiment?”
“Of course!” Eijin replied. “I will take every opportunity available to prove a theory of yours wrong.”
“Whatever you may say, Eijin,” Asha said, “I am still unconvinced that Ramokan’s findings mean anything.”
A small shuffling sound alerted the pair to a new presence in the room. “Ah, Yuni!” Eijin said. “Your friend is such a wonderful mage. I think I might have to keep her!”
Yuni let out a soft laugh, but Asha could tell it was stilted. Wrong. Her face was twisted into something a little like mourning and a little like resentment.
Eijin closed the distance between he and his sister, mumbling in Yamukan.
“I’m fine,” Yuni said sharply, switching to Mallander and pushing her brother away. She took one last glance at Asha. “Tomorrow, my mother and father will be wanting to speak with you.” Her voice was snowy. Brittle and cold.
“Yuni!”
But Yuni had already swept out of the room like a frozen winter wind.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hi inktopus! Niteowl here to review this chapter this fine Review Day! Note that I'm going to comment as I read and then wrap up with some overall comments.
I really like the description in your first paragraph. It sets up the scene well without being overly descriptive and boring.
This sentence is a little clunky. Not sure how to fix it though.
So I think there's supposed to be a jump of time in these paragraphs, but it's unclear how much time. Days? Weeks? I would think about how to make it more clear how much time has passed in this chapter.
I'm not sure these sentences need to be their own paragraphs, as they seem to fit with the previous paragraph.
This description is kind of weird-sounding to me.
Ooh, there's definitely some interesting tension in the last few paragraphs. Yuni seems jealous of Eljin and Asha's friendship, even though she's been ignoring Asha for most of the time they've been in the palace. I really like the last sentence. I think you ended this chapter in a good spot, and I find myself wanting to know what the king and queen want with Asha.
Overall, I liked this. Even though this is the first time I've jumped in to this story, I felt like I was able to pick up on what's going on pretty well, which is nice. I might have to go back and read this story in my spare time, since it seems pretty interesting. Keep writing!
Hey, I made it!

You, my friend, have zero nit-picks to speak of
The only thing I want to pick up on is more of a continuous issue than a nit-pick, which is just that sometimes your flow was a bit off. It was kind of lumbering like: Thing that happened. Thing that happened. What something looked like. Thing that happened. For example, this is a bit stilted, but it's not the only example of what I mean:
However, there are also some wonderfully lyrical moments, such as:
which give me the confidence to know that you will be able to pick up on these things yourself with a close look.
Onto compliments: I was actually kind of surprised by the sudden appearance of a friend, but I think it was a very good idea. It adds an extra dynamic into the mix - how does Yuni feel about her brother? How does Yuni feel about Asha enjoying her brother's company? Will this cause Yuni's feelings about Asha to maybe show themselves? (I'm pretty sure they're there.) And we get to see Asha excited about magic, which we hadn't seen in a while, since everything was at such high stakes. We also get to see some lore, which is cool, because I just realised we hadn't done much of that yet either.
Also the ending was brilliant. Sudden and jerky, which is how it would have been for Asha. I really really need to know more about what happens next. I may bother you for more chapters
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
At a later point, I might need help identifying more of those telly, lumbering moments. Thanks so much for the review!
sure thing, will do.

you're welcome!