The midnight moon shapes your face perfectly,
It beams on us like it was made just for two,
As you speak, your words flow superbly,
But all I can focus on is the words me and you.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Short and sweet! I liked the wording of this poem. Only one thing that I would have changed about it was in the last line. The poem has a rhythm, but I think the last line goes a bit too long. Maybe you could change it to "But all I can focus on is me and you." Otherwise, perfect in my opinion. I really like the descriptions of the moonlight. Great job!
Hey there, ilovegeeks! Today it's my pleasure to give you a review on this awesome poem. I'll be making this fairly short and sweet, just like your poem.
This "shapes" is awkward. "Shapes" is a fairly passive verb, and it doesn't really make sense here. What about something like "frames"?
Also, "perfectly". I'd refrain from using many adverbs in a short poem like this, because you need each line to be as powerful and poignant as possible. I don't have any specific suggestions for this, but I think you can afford to replace it.
Just like "shapes" was a little too /passive/, I feel like "beams" is a little too /active/. It seems awkward when referring to the action of the moon, because the moon itself is not beaming down on you, but rather its light.
Again, this adverb is awkward. "Superb" is not a word I would choose here, as it seems forced and doesn't really rhyme / fit with the content. Just another reason to replace the adverb in the first line.
I actually think this is excellent. "Me and you" is an excellent rhyme here, and it's pretty darn sweet. You're an excellent poet, and I think this has a lot of potential. Just try to stay away from awkward phrasing and abstract concepts like "perfect".
Don't forget to be awesome!
IronSpark
I like this poem. It is short and to the point, but it is full of meaning. You have fine wording, and correct grammar and punctuation. Great job! I hope to see more writings from you
This says a lot and its a very amazing poem.
In order to be able to have so much meaning in such little words and such a short poem shows great talent.
You can see that these two people know each other very well. They care a great deal, which is obvious, but they have spent lots of time. The only thing that matters at the moment is each other.
This makes you wonder about where this is. Who these two people are. How they fell in love. And what will end up happening to them.
A good poem leaves unanswered questions, just like this, and you did a really good job at it. Its very simple, and that's what the beauty in it is. People will have a greater chance of wanting to read it if it is.
Like other people said, it is a little cliche about the moon and only focusing on the words. And that is okay just as long as you make it mean your own thing. Just try to stray from things being a little too simple and same. You do still want your writing to be unique. But other than that, I think this is really great. Keep up the good work and continue writing.
Hello! racket here to review your short poem!
I really like this! Short and sweet and very well said and done. Good job! There's nothing really at first glance for me to comment on, so that's great! Let me look a bit closer...
Okay, well, your poem feels just a bit disconnected, like each line should be its own sentence. I have a few connecting words to suggest that might help?
I was thinking you might add an 'as' before the 'it' in the second line, because that way you can take out the comma at the end of the first line, and the two lines will flow better together. It'll just make it a bit easier to read. I would also suggest changing that first 'a' into 'the' as there is only one moon and...yeah... just a suggestion, but I think 'the' would go better there. Also, maybe change the 'like it was' to 'as if it was'. Again, just a suggestion I feel like would go better with the context. So the new lines would be
I would also suggest ending that last line with a period. Maybe switch around the third line to 'Your words flow superbly as you speak' or maybe 'Your words flow superbly in the night air'. I would also suggest adding 'tonight' after the 'on' in the last line?
XD Sorry, that was a lot, but I was just sticking my thoughts out there. Your poem's fine without any of that, I just thought I would give you my personal ideas and suggestions. Adding a layer of icing to the poem or whatever. Anyways, well done! I really enjoyed this. Keep writing! (You don't have to use any of my suggestions if you don't want to.) Thanks!
~racket
Hey there!
Nice poem you have here, short and sweet.
Having a moon and midnight seem a bit cliché, but that's your choice. If you wanted, though, you could change midnight to crescent, three-quarter, or half moon instead. Just options. Also, I don't know how well "shapes your face" works, I would go for something more like "lights your face".
Ah, you were trying to have every other line rhyme here? If not, superbly still sounds rather awkward here. My mind was thinking musical things here, like "flow with melody", which would still rhyme and make an interesting image. It's really your decision, but try reading it a bit and testing out different words or phrases. The right thing will come to you.
I think the is here should be are. Also, Steggy below me is right. "Me and you" is probably the focus, you maybe you want to italicize them? Whatever you think.
Good luck writing, and nicely done!
-Falco
Hello!
Stegosaurus here for a review!
This is a good poem and glad you shared it on YWS! The diction that the author has it pure and I can tell it come from the heart as you wrote this- also I enjoyed the little rhythm you had in here as well.
As a fellow writer, I feel like you could expand more off of this since it has such emotion that it would suck to just leave it off there (however you can choose to live it off there since you are the poet of it). Also it doesn't seem to set off the theme as for what you are trying to go for.
I think this simile falls short of a simile because it doesn't compare to unlike things. I would suggest trying to think of something that would make sense, but as well comparing something unlike (or use a metaphor- up to you).
To me, I feel like there should be a colon after words since it is stating a central point for the whole stanza.
Overall, I liked this poem and could tell it came from the heart. I hope to read more from you!
If you want me to go over anything, let me know!
Steggy
Even though this poem is short, I feel as though that makes it all the more powerful. I love the meaning and point in this poem because i can relate to it. The rhyme scheme is great, and I like how you put it in 2nd person point of view. Good job, I cant wait to read more of your work!:) I can definitely see you becoming a writer about relatable relationship type of topics.