I quickly looked over at Mikey as if he was suppose to tell me what to do. When my burning eyes focused on his face, I could see he had an open gash on his bushy eyebrow, and dry blood under his nose. I shivered thinking about what my face must look like.
I did a double take when I seen how gorgeous Mikey actually was. His chocolate brown eyes melted in the light of the sun. His black hair was just long enough to flip and a bit shaggy. I had a weird impulse to run my hands through it. The outline of his muscles practically had me drooling, but I had to snap back to reality here.
"What do we do?" I whispered to Mikey, trying to hold back tears.
He just closed his eyes like he was hoping this was all a dream... I know I was.
The man who had opened the hatch was still standing there but his focus was on another man who seemed to be giving him orders.I didn't want to just sit there and wait to take what was coming to me, but my body couldn't find the strength to move.
"Take them to Jesse, I'm going to help Sophia with the others" I heard the man giving the orders say, while his footsteps clicked further and further away.
"Chrissy, follow my lead, We're gonna get out of here" Mikey whispered.
Before I could respond Mikey laid on the ground and started shaking as if he was having a seizure. I squinted my eyes confused until his words echoed in my head
"follow my lead"
"Help!" I yelled "He's having a seizure please help!"
The man with a rotten smile let a ladder down through the hatch and took his time climbing down, which proved his heartlessness. Once he knelt over to focus on Mikey I pulled my leg back as far as I could and with all my power I smashed my foot into the mans head. The man fell to the ground unconscious.
Mikey looked at me shocked.
"Nice kick!" He said with a grin and a chuckle.
I guess the thought of it was kind of funny considering I'm a 125 pound, 17 year old girl.
"We need to go before he wakes up!" I said grabbing Mikey's hand.
I went up the ladder first, only peeking my head up to make sure no one was around. I could feel the heat beating down on my face. It felt good considering where we just came from. When the coast was clear I plopped into the soft grass and took a deep breath, feeling the fresh air linger in my lungs.
"We're out" Mikey said latching the hatch door.
I smiled at him as I took in my surroundings.
About 20 feet from the hatch was a beautiful light blue Victorian house, around the house was about 50 acres of beautiful land, and around that was a giant,(maybe 30 feet tall), repulsive electric barbwire fence.
"Great... now what?" I said
"Well, let's make our way to the fence" Mikey said.
Mikey and I began walking, our feet sinking into the luscious grass.
"What on earth am I wearing?" Mikey said, In disgust.
"I was hoping those weren't your real clothes" I said cackling.
Mikey had on an all white button up t-shirt and all white shorts, almost like he came from a mental institute.
"I wouldn't be laughing" Mikey grinned "You're not looking too fabulous yourself!"
My eyes bolted to my clothing. I almost cried when I seen the bleach white rags I had on my body. I had on a button up shirt just like Mikeys, and a skirt that hung down to my dirt covered ankles.
"oh... my... god." I mumbled under my breath, grabbing at the rags.
Mikey just laughed like it was the funniest thing he had ever seen.
Ahead of us was nothing but open field. So we were going to have to pray no one sees us as we are walking, because we are too tired and dehydrated to run.
"Do you remember anything?" I asked Mikey
He walked silently, I read confusion on his face, Like he was asking the same question himself.
"I remember playing my guitar in the garage with my bestfriend, and we were talking about writing a song for a talent show, but everything after that is a huge blur"
I looked down at my feet...
"I know how you feel" I said. "Last thing I remember is eating diner with my mom and brother"
"Do you think they're okay?" Mikey asked.
Before I could answer the question I heard a distant car engine murmuring behind us. Mikey and I turned around to see something that looked liked a golf cart coming towards us. Only it was much faster. In the passenger seat was a man holding a tissue to his mouth.
"Oh no" I thought.
"CHRISSY COME ON!' Mikey yelled.
We ran as fast as we could, but not fast enough. The men skidded in front of us. Each of them had a cloth in their hand, before I knew it the cloth was over my mouth, and with in seconds I was unconscious. So much for escaping.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hi! I'll do this one, too, right away.
"When my burning eyes focused on his face I could see" -- When begins a transition, so a comma before I, like last time. And maybe say, onto his face, it runs smoother.
"a open." -- whenever a word starts with a vowel, or a vowel sound, as in honor, a becomes an
""Where are we?" I thought." -- This is sorta unnecessary, bc the reader knows they don't know where they have been taken to.
"I didnt want to just sit here and wait to take what's coming to me, but my body couldn't find the strength to move." -- You've switched into present tense in parts, here. Remember to either stay all in past tense, which you mostly do, or all present tense.
Again, things are capitalized or left in lowercase where they should be the opposite.
latter is a double D, not T
"around, I could feel the heat beating down on my face." -- You'll have to start a fresh sentence beginning with the I, or put a ; where the comma is.
I like the way you introduced Chrissy's physique with, "it was kind of funny considering..." You took advantage of an event, knocking out the man, to introduce it, so it felt like you weren't just listing it. For this reason, it just melted right into the action scene.
You might want to have the mc estimate how tall the fence is. She did estimate the distance to the house and the size of the plot of land.
When you describe what they are wearing, it feels more like a list. It isn't like it belongs in a story, it feels more like a bunch of bulleted facts. You could introduce in other ways. For example, "When I caught sight of my body, I almost ripped the raggety thing clinging to me, to pieces in shock. The dress was ghostly pale. Not my clothes." And how does Chrissy know that Mikey isn't his own clothes? Only Mikey would know that, unless she asked him, but she didn't.
"Before I could answer the question I heard a distant car engine murmering behind us. Mikey and I turned around to see something that looked liked a golf cart coming towards us. Only it was much faster. In the passenger seat was a man holding a tissue to his mouth." -- I like this whole part. One, because it is a surprise, and two
"Mikey and I tried to run but not fast enough," -- Two sentences earlier, you basically told us that they ran as fast as they could but the vehicle out-paced them. And you could cut the rest of that sentence too. Might look something like this: "Each of them had a cloth in their hand. Two gags. Two of us. Within seconds I was unconscious. So much for escaping."
Well, overall, only a few things happened, and now I guess they'll have to wake up again in another unfamiliar spot. So, we see they are abducted. I really want to find out by what or who! So far, it's been a little cliche, but I can totally live with that. And so far, there hasn't been a whole lot of time to fit dialogue in, so I want to see more of how the voices are. I would also like to see a little more imagery. Did you even tell us what Mikey or Chrissy look like, hair color, hair qualities, eyes, skin tone? I think a few more details, and some polishing will make a great difference moving forward.
I'm sorry that I didn't give it more praise, but I am very interested to see what is developing here. Why have they been taken? Are they special? Are they for ransom money? Is this tied up in anything bigger? I'd love to find out!
Chapter 3 is done! id really love it if you reviewed it!! you may want to reread the other ones. since i fixed them!!
Hey! Thanks for telling me about this! I am really intrigued now! I really hate how the chapters are so small D: haha
There was still capitalization errors: Mikey's name was capitalized and there were capital words in the middle of sentences.
During the thoughts, leave off the quotations. Just keep them italized.
But overall, I am ready for the third chapter! ^_^
Oh yeah, I would really enjoy some more detail about them getting caught!
Chapter 3 is done!!