The building was quiet as I walk in. Cassidy bustles in front of me. She knows something is wrong. My fingers tremble as we approach the elevator.
"You'll be okay," I tell Cassidy, noticing her shoulders shake. "You're only 17, you probably just have a bad fever."
Cassidy scowls. "A fever doesn't make your nose bleed three times a week! It doesn't make all of your limbs swell up to the size of China!"
I shake my head. "You're fine now, aren't you?"
Cassidy lets out a quiet chuckle and she rolls her eyes. "Hardly."
I don't know what to say, so I stay quiet. My back presses against the wall of the elevator as a few other passengers step on and off it. The floor Cassidy's doctor is on was 16, we were only on floor 8. I can't help but just think about Cassidy for a second. She had been getting sick recently.
Mrs. Barret, Cassidy's mother, gave us 20 dollars for bus fair and she sent me and Cassidy into the city. I remember her exact words.
"Louise," Mrs. Barret started, "take Cassidy into the city. To her doctor. I think she has some type of illness. She has a large amount of odd symptoms."
Cancer. Diabetes. Tuberculosis.
All I could think of were different diseases. It made a shiver run down my spine.
Cassidy gives me a hard look. "What's up with you?" she asks.
"Nothing," I say. "I'm fine, just had a little thought." I fake a smile, as to show my friend that I was alright, even though I wasn't even close.
-
I close my eyes as the doctor exits the room. I can't cry, not now, anyway.
I gently pat Cassidy on the shoulder. "Cass..." I begin.
Tears stream down her face as she clenches and unclenches her fist. "Terminal brain cancer. How did I know something was wrong? I must be psyche," Cassidy forces a giggle, but it becomes drowned in her tears.
I suck in a bus load of air. "Cassidy, you didn't do anything wrong."
"Don't lie to me! Best friends don't lie to each other!" Cassidy snaps at me. "I must have done something wrong. I just...I must have."
I shake my head. I couldn't do anything about this. If Cassidy believed in something...there was no way she was going to let it go.
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127,920 Literary Works • 671,487 Reviews
Hi there! So, Overall I like what you have going here and I'm excited to see where it leads. First think I noticed was that you used Cassidy's name A LOT throughout the story. I don't know if that was your intention, but sometimes it's nice just to put she or something like that. You also didn't really say anything about what I'm assuming is the main character. It can be nice to throw that stuff down in the first few chapters so I will have to read on and see! Let me know when you have other chapters posted so I can take a look.! - GossipGirlxoxo
Hi. The first few sentences are a bit choppy. I would suggest saying something like:
The building is quiet as we walk in. Cassidy walks in front of me, looking as if she is weakening with each step. I try to make myself believe that nothing is wrong, that everything's okay, but I know the truth. We both know the truth- something is wrong. Very wrong. My fingers tremble as I press the up button in the elevator.
Notice that I completely excluded the word bustle and made Cassidy's situation seem even worse. The news about the brain cancer is to much too fast. Try deepening the situation faster or extending the scene. I also had trouble following the scene change.
Otherwise, I like your story. It is quite the beginning and immediately hooks the reader! I can't wait to keep reading!
Note: You said psyche. That means your mind. I think you meant psychic.
Be persistent and do the impossible.
Evilly,
Aure
This is really good, hollyhuez!
I was just as intrigued as I was in your prologue!
Good work here, I personally quite like the length of your chapters, as they're short and sweet, and I think it's easy to upload a piece of work which seems to drag on a bit. This, however, does not, so it's good.
I quite like Louise's character, as she has the concerns and worries that a good friend would have if one of their close friends had symptoms of worrying illnesses.
I like Lucrezia's idea too, that Mrs. Barret should seem like Cassidy is okay, or it's nothing serious then it would come as more of a shock.
I like your writing, keep it up!
-CFG
Hi there!
All right, so there were some issues in the accuracy here, as Gravity already noted, as well as the shortness. This isn't anything to be ashamed of. However, I would suggest doing some deeper research. Don't be afraid to go back and edit, rewrite the whole chapter if you must. BUT, that's your choice so I won't put any pressure on you.
I actually enjoyed this. A lot of emotion came through, and it was definitely well-written. I think this story has a lot of potential.
Okay, a few suggestions here. First off, I'm not sure why the first "cancer" begins with a capitalized C. If it was a stylistic choice, I would recommend capitalizing the C in the second "cancer" as well.
Honestly, though, I don't think you should have Mrs. Barret saying that. I think it would be better if she's clueless and doesn't know what her daughter has.
You could change it to something along the lines of: "Take Cassidy into the city. To the doctor. I think she has some kind of illness or something . . . I mean, she has a large amount of odd symptoms . . ."
This way, it would come off like she's in a state of denial, and it would make more impact when Cassidy's saying she knew she had cancer because she was the only one that actually thought so.
Just my opinion, of course.
Anyway, besides for that, good work on this. I think you have a great story on your hands!
Ohh good idea. Thank very much!
I'm going to be very honest with you. This isn't a chapter. This is less than a page. The piece of writing you have here is about the length of a good prologue. I also think Louise's character isn't convincing. Plus, you don't have the Doctor thing down. The mother would have to be there to take her to the appointment so she could sign papers and fill out paperwork. Also, with a cancer test, people don't typically get the results back for cancer until days or even a week afterwards. I also don't understand why Cassidy's mother wouldn't go with her daughter to this life changing appointment. Your facts don't match up. I think you needed to do more research before you posted this.
I thought this piece was well written. There is no question that you are a good writer. I can see that in the great descriptions you've included. I just think you need better research and thought. Other than that, I think this book is very intriguing. Keep writing,
-Gravity
Actually it depends on what cancer it is. Breast cancer patients get their results that day. I also think it depends on insurance.
No it doesn't. Both my mother and I have had mammograms done and it took 2 days for results. Brain scan results take a day or two because the scan itself takes about an hour or two, and then the doctor has to analyze if there's a foreign body in the brain. If their is a body, the doctor determines if it's a mass, a cyst or a tumor. Then he or she determines if the tumor is cancerous. Insurance has nothing to do with it, insurance however, does affect how quickly treatment can commence. It really all depends on the doctor, but it takes at least until the next day for results.
Uh. I just have to say this real fast, I'm only 13. I don't know anybody with cancer. It's also my story and I can make the chapters as long as I want. Thanks for the compliment though...
You don't have to know anybody with cancer to do research. All you had to do was type in to google "Brain scan result time". And voila, your answer. The chapter thing is fine, it's just a technical mishap. The information mixup... big no-no. If you sent this in to a publisher they would tell you the same thing. Be accurate.
My immediate family member was able to know she had cancer right after she got her mammogram. Then they did a very nasty biopsy that took a while to get results back from.
You know what, this is actually a hard piece for me to read because my immediate family member had had cancer. You got the part with Cassidy knowing that she had cancer, the ones who have it always seem to know they have it before the doctor tells them. The part with her friend, Louise, is a bit unbelievable. It is more heart breaking to see someone you love so much go through it and not be able to help them in a particular way.
The only other problem was when it talks about the floors and the doctor being on the sixteenth, that was a bit funky.
Anyway, you're doing a great job keep writing.
oh, for my comment above use this link: and scroll to the bottom
http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/cancer- ... s/mri-scan
<3 I'm sorry about your family member. And about the floors, I was just like, wtf do I do, so I made it a tall building.