I woke up one morning and saw my pink, fluffy bedspread, and a light red colored paint on my walls. I saw a wooden door that lead into the hallway and by the door was a black rug. I saw a white desk, and two matching bookshelves. They were both loaded with books with strange bumps on them, Braille. I saw a mirror and looked at it.
I saw a girl with short, blonde hair and green eyes. She had freckles and didn't look very tall. I knew who it was, even though I hadn't seen her in 12 years.
I then started to cry, loudly and hard.
I had been blind since I was 4 years old.
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140,482 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
Hollyhuez,
This is a really interesting poem! I loved the same like that Totypeawriter did. Here's my only suggestion:
"They were both loaded with books with strange bumps on them, or Braille."
I think you should get rid of the 'or'. Because we know it had to be Braille since she use to be blind. It would make the sentence less awkward and and the words would flow much better in my opinion.
This poem is very different from what I usually see, great work.
Dang, I wish you had continue this. It has so much potential. Since this is so short, this is going to be a very very short review. First off, I would categorize this under short story than a poem, or perhaps even prose, because judging by the way you formatted it and how you used the language. This is not a poem.
I don't know why, but crimson doesn't quite work here. Crimson is the colour of blood, like freshly bled blood. So her wall looks like it has been painted with blood? That's nice..for someone who has been blind for so long. Ok, so I assume is a softer shade of red, whatever it is. Choose a softer word. Ok?Right, so this whole thing was incredibly short but I wish, wish you would develop it. Like how she saw her bedroom for the first time, she has been blind for twelve years wouldn't the first time she see something be filled with amazement, wonder or perhaps apprehension? Describe those feelings to us instead of just narrating it! Also, if she has been blind for so long it would be quite illogical that she'd be able to see so clearly.
I will assume that she knew how she looked because her parents probably described it to her, but still. I still there should be some lead up to this, like some amazement or wonder of her touching her features.
Overall: I wish you would expand this and continue to write on, it has potential. Keep up the good work!
~Laure
Really nice to read and a thought provoking concept to think about. Love the line "I knew who it was, even though I hadn't seen her in 12 years."
Hello, it is Em101cats with a review for your great work here!
Wow, this is touching! I feel like this really got to me. Wow! What a way with words making feelings stir you have. You, my friend, have got some serious talent.
... Okay, awkward. No, not your writing. This review. I hardly ever find anything to review on that has no mistakes, yet you blew me away with your perfectness. Great grammar - check. Great spelling - check. Great meaning - DEFINITELY check. What else can I say here? I don't think there's anything. I loved this, really!!!!!
Keep up the great work! I'll definitely be reading more from you!
~Em101cats~