With Shelly stabbing the silvery metal hard onto the skin of my lower back, my only option was to press the two hand pistols I held harder into Logan's shoulder and Alfred's head.
I quickly looked around the cramped room, noticing how the 20 of us, Mr. Right's 8th period English class, huddles together, each with a hand gun or knife. How Mr. Right snuck them into the school was unknown, as were we.
Days before Mr. Right had sent home permission slips to stay late at school. Nobody knew why, but he had said it would be fun. I had my mother sign right after I got home from school that day.
"You're reenacting history," Mr. Right had said to us.
He handed us each a gun or knife, and told us who to point the weapon at. The 20 of us, vaguely confused, but not wanting to disobey an adult, we listened to our English teacher.
"This is like a horrible chain reaction," Shelly whispered in my ear. I must have had fear on my face, because Mr. Right just looked at me and...smirked!
"We're only going to die if we decide to shoot," I whispered back. "Or one of us could, at least, if one of us decides to shoot."
I bit my lip. Were we to just stand here the entire night? Our parents wouldn't worry about us until it got late, since they were informed we would be staying after.
Thoughts ran through my mind. Where were the other teachers? Am I going to die?
Mr. Right was defiantly crazy.
We stood there for at least two hours before Mr. Right started to clap.
The cruel smirk never left his tinted pink lips. "I despise you children," he started. "You ruined my career. Ever since I was let out from jail, I've had to work at this stupid high school with you stupid teenagers! You never listen to me in class, always on your little phones and gadgets. Do you understand how incredibly rude that is? Disobeying your elders?"
I tried to block out his yapping, closing my eyes and looking down.
I needed an idea, fast. Who knew what Mr. Right could do to us?
------
Ugh. ugh, ugh ,ugh gu hgu hgu gughg hwuhidfjgifla. I don't even know. I saw a picture but itsd hard to write oops sorry don't kill me please I want to lvie a life by watching degrassi and eating mallomors (what sp oops)
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Excellent story. It's short, simple, and elegant. The wording is good and the point of view works well. I especially like the tension you present at the beginning. Then you explained at a good pace. The flaw I find is that I think you could have made this longer. It's fine that you didn't, but would've been a good story at 3000-6000 words.
I give it a 8.3/10 good work!
Hey Holly!
I'd remove this word. Later, you also say that he handed them each a gun or a knife. Why does she have two weapons?This was quite the fun little read. It had an absurd kind of plot and weirdness that sort of spoke to me. I quite enjoy works like this.
However, this was very light on descriptions though. Aside from obviously being very short, even for a short story, this doesn't explain a lot of what is going on. If this piece was a lot longer, or even just a little longer, it could be a lot better.
I'd definately want to know some more backstory of what is going on here. Who this teacher is, what kind of experiment they think they are doing, and what kind of age these people are. I'll get back to these.
There are several things I can comment on, as well as pointing out a few grammatical errors, but I can do that as I move on.
So I'll just write as I go along:
Edit
Edit
You broke the tense in the middle of the paragraph here. Handgun is also one word.
Suggestion
This line read a bit wrong.
Edit
This is one of those sentences where a comma makes all the differance. Without the comma, this line has a different meaning than what you intended.
Without the comma, it reads like you allude to something actually before he sends those permission slips.
With the comma, it reads as if days before today, he sent those permission slips to their parents.
So, I said earlier that I would like to know a bit more about what he is doing. We know he is attempting for them to do some reenactment, but not what exactly. Having all of his students pointing a gun at each other doesn't strike me as a good reenactment, or a reenactment of something known for that matter.
Edit
Awkward wording. Removed that one and it flows well again.
Okay, I really liked these two lines. They're good and have a bit of humorous undertones in them.
Edit
Quick typo.
Okay, this is another one of those things I wondered earlier. I was unsure of their age, because at some point he calls them kids, but then he says that he works at a high school. That's no problem, however, if these students are teenagers, then I'd assume they wouldn't accept this. I wouldn't buy them standing there like this for two hours. At some point, someone would rush him. Or just escape. Especially seeing as you never say he is carrying any weapons himself.
I did find it odd that he used to be in jail and somehow was hired to teach at a school. Obviously, depending on his crime, it might be alright, but I just found it odd that you included it.
He seems to be very easily annoyed.
Your author's note is really weird. I like it.
Alright, that's pretty much what I could comment on for this short.
I did like the randomisity of it, and the crazy character of Mr. Right is something I'm always going to enjoy. Despite being a bit short and having a few errors here and there, it was written pretty decently. It's a pretty fun and creative idea to write something around.
You tagged this as a short story though, and I think the fact that this piece doesn't really have an ending deafeats the purpose of a short story. Maybe you intended this as a longer piece, or a short in two or several parts.
In any case, I'd like to read more from you. You're definately a young writer with lots of neat potential.
Keep it up, Holly!
Cheers
Birkhoff
That was so long I'm crying
thanks for the compliments
Allo, there. Myndi here for a review.
What an odd little story.
I must say, when I clicked on this, I had no idea this was going to be what came of my curiosity. It was...interesting, to say the least. I am not sure if you plan on continuing this or not, but I advise you do so, because...you left me extremely confused.
Mr. Right. How ironic. I love how simple that humor is, though. Mr. Right working at a school after getting out of jail. Now, that! That, was really hard to believe, unless he somehow slipped that under his background check in the school. I have no idea what to expect, though, this is your story, I'm sure you can make it how you want.
There are not many things with your writing that I can nitpick at besides --- and this made me cringe --- the use of "defiantly" in place of "definitely". Other than that, I could find no jarring mistakes.
Your story is good, although I feel as if I missed something. That may be sorted out if you wrote more? I am not sure if that is your intention, but I find that would be a good idea. So I can understand this piece, heh...
Anyway, it was entertaining. Write on, my friend.
~Ikkoku
Danks
Hey! Dawny here for a review!
So, this is a weird story that I would never have thought of. However, it was really good. This seems like some of my teachers over the year. I love the name of mr. right, because it was so not the character that you thought he was going to be. I couldn't find any errors in your writing, so can't really comment on that. What I want to know, is were the weapons fake? Because if they were, that would be a funny ending. I guess thats all I can say...
Have a great day!
.o. Okie danks