Run-Part One

by hollyhuez

Published December 27, 2013

Violence

In Shorts

NOTE: This is a Hunger Games one shot type thing. It'll probably be like 3 or 4 parts long.

-

"You have to run, Julia," Grey speaks softly. His hand on my shoulder makes no effort on me standing up. I cannot feel my ankle, only a sharp pain.

"I-I can't," I whisper. "My ankle, it hurts."

Grey closes his eyes and snaps his lips closes. He shoots a look towards Kirsti and Lincoln, the tributes from District 9. We formed an alliance with them 3 days ago. I don't know how, but the four of us had managed to stay alive in this death trap. "Can you at least stand up?"

I shake my head. "I'll try," I softly say. I grab onto Grey's arms and start to hobble upwards. It takes all my strength, but I manage to stand up, with the help of Grey, of course.

The next feeling I have is being picked up. I'm slung over Grey's shoulder. We were off running.

Running again. It's all we seem to do these days.

-

"We'll just stay here overnight, or at least until we get caught," Kirsti says, braiding her long brown hair. It makes her look nice, with her hair out of her face.

I quickly nod. "What's the plan about the Careers, though?"

Lincoln shoots me a confused look. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," I begin, "we know that the main Careers are Jada and Beck, right?"

"Right," Kirsti agrees. "But what does that have to do with anything? They're going to try to kill us, why do we need to know who they are?"

I bite my bottom lip. "Well, maybe if we find their weaknesses, we could -"

I hear a snicker. "Please, Jada's from one and Beck's from two, they can slaughter all of us in less than a minute. They probably don't even have weaknesses!"

I don't know how to respond to that, so I don't. I cross my arms and lean against the thick tree branch. The four of us are hiding in a tall tree, it's large enough for us to be spacious about how we're sitting.

"How's your ankle?" Grey asks, scooting closer to me. His fingers gently traces onto my ankle and I wince. Grey's fingers retract and he sits up.

"It's a little better. Doesn't feel like heaven though," I force a small chuckle. "I can survive, though."

I see Grey crack a smile. He moves on the tree branch so he's directly across from me. "I've just realized something, what ever happened to the male from your district?"

I'm from District 7. The male tribute from my district was named, Neal. I haven't heard from Neal since right before the games begun. Let's just say, our relentionship was critical. "I don't know. He never showed up at night time when they showed all the dead tributes," I say flatly.

Grey nods. He switches positions, as if ready to jump down from the branch - but I doubt he will, we're over 50 feet in the air. "I should go try to catch a squirrel or something. We need to eat, don't we?"

I dimly nod. "Sure. Be careful, okay?"

Grey laughs. "I'll be okay."

I nod again. Grey starts to climb down the tree. I keep my eyes on him the entire time. Once he reaches the bottom of the tree, he runs off into the woods.

He ran away. But he'll come back.

-

I guess I've fallen asleep, because I'm woken up to a loud shouting. "Come on down!" the person, whoever they are, yells. I can tell by the voice who it is: Jada.

I peer down from the tree. A tall girl with dark skin and messy black hair smirks up at Kirsti. I gulp quietly. I stare at Jada. She has a long knife in her hand. She'll kill us all I can just feel it.

I glance at Kirsti who locks her eyes with mine. I shake my head and Kirsti looks back downwards. If she didn't, out cover may as well be blown; it doesn't seem like Jada knows the rest of us are up here with Kirsti.

My eyes suddenly flicker across from me. Grey is there, a long, deep red scar, well more of a scab, flows across his cheek.

"Grey, what the hell did you do?" I hiss.

He smiles a cheekily grin. "Ah, I came across Salvatore. Don't worry, though, I took care of him."

He must've killed him when I was sleeping, though I think it's odd how the cannon didn't wake me up. "So, what're we going to do? Kirsti is stuck; Jada'll come up here if she needs too."

Grey lifts his shoulders up and down. "I don't know," he says.

I roll my eyes. "You're such a help." I suddenly feel foolish for trying to make a joke in this situation. This is a life and death situation, I bet I was just making it worse...way worse. I shake my head and peer down off the tree branch again. This time, Jada wasn't alone. Next to her, was Beck. His thin figure was almost invisible in the forest.

"Jada," Beck began. "Why don't we let her be?"

I heard Jada snicker very loudly. "Hell no!"

"The fire, though. We can get away, she might not be able to though. And if she does try to get away, we have Neal."

Neal.

Jada sighs. "Fine," she glances up Kirsti. “You’ll die, bitch. Let’s go Beck.”

Something else was said, but it was muffled. I couldn’t hear. I then hear a yelp, then feet running away. This was it.

I bring my knees closer to my chest and peer down the tree. My hands on another branch to stable me, or in other terms, so I won’t fall.

“Neal,” I say. “Hey, Neal!”

The boy with pitch black hair looks around the treetops until his green eyes settle on my frame. His expression softens, but I can see his knuckles whiten around the grip of his pocket knife. His cheeks puff out quickly. “It’s you,” he says.

“Aren’t you glad to see me? Or are you going to kill me? Should I tell Six you’ve betrayed District 7?” Six Talons is our trainer. His name isn’t actually Six Talons, but he won by ripping his opponent’s face off. Gruesome, yet utterly brilliant.

“How the hell would you tell Six? You’re just going to die, Julia,” Neal shoots back, lowering the knife just a tad.

“I won’t die. Neither will she,” – I point to Kirsti – “and neither will Lincoln or Grey! We’ll get out of
here alive. Unlike you,” I spat.

“Oh, Lincoln and Pinkie are here too?” Neal asks, sarcastically.

I shake my head. “Just fuck off, Neal.”

Out of the corner of my
eye, I see a shiny glint of silver. It was by were Lincoln was asleep. I also
saw a pale white hand. My breathing stops. “Neal…” I stutter. “Who else is
guarding with you?

Neal bites his bottom lip. “No
one, Beck told me to be alone.”

I stare at the sliver,
which is now metal. It was a metal sphere. The sphere was being carried by a
boy with milky white skin and brunet hair. I don’t know his name, but he was
from District 3. “Lincoln!” I shout out, quickly standing up in the tree,
griping the base off the tree.

Kirsti, Grey and even Neal have
their full attention towards the boy and the sleeping Lincoln. Me yelling his
name must have woken him up, because Lincoln’s eyelids flutter open. He looks
at me. His blue eyes fill with tears as he realizes what’s happening.

Next thing you know, a cannon
blows off, shaking me. I grip the tree as hard as I can. “He’s coming down,
Neal,” I murmur. With all my strength, I climb the tree and get to the spot
where Lincoln lies lifelessly, a long sphere in his chest.

He boy smirks at me. “I can
fight bare handed,” he says.

I ignore his statement. “You’re
going to die. You’ve killed my team, my friend. You sick bastard,” I say. My
hands quickly collide with the boy, and he lets out a loud scream. I watch as
the boy flies to the ground. He lands on a dry patch of grass. His neck is
broken – I can tell from the angel he’s lying at. I hear a cannon. Dead. I’ve
killed someone.

I glance at Kirsti, her
eyes are wide, but filled with pride. “Let’s get out of this damn tree,” I say.
Kirsti nods and we both start to climb on down.

Once we reach the bottom,
Grey is already down there, the weapon Neal had is now in his possession and
Neal nods. “I think if Pinkie has it, it’ll be more useful. So, where to now?”

I ask no questions about
Neal. I shrug. “Should we start to the Cornucopia? Nothing ever hits that
place,” I say.

Kirsti nods again. “Fine,
but we have to keep a keen eye on our surroundings.”

And with that, the four of
us travel towards the heart of the game. The place where we should avenge our
friend’s death. We can survive this. We can win this. We can do this. We can
run away from it.

Yeah.

We can run.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
manisha
Review
manisha wrote a review Review · Dec 29, 2013

Hi there Holly!
I'll review as I read.

Firstly, as this is a fan-fiction you must mention so. I know you have put up in the note it is Hunger Games type thing. Just mention its a fan-fiction of Hunger Games. That works.

Grey closes his eyes and snaps his lips closes.

Closes is closed.

"It's a little better. Doesn't feel like heaven though," I force a small chuckle. "I can survive, though."

though is repeated twice. It sounds kinda jarring to repeat a word. I suggest you swap it with a different word.
She'll kill us all I can just feel it.

She'll kill us all; I can just feel it.

My eyes suddenly flicker across from me. Grey is there, a long, deep red scar, well more of a scab, flows across his cheek.

This line sounds very odd.
Do you mean-
My eyes suddenly flicker around?
Grey is there and a long, deep red scar, well more of a scab, flows across his cheek.
Or
Grey is there; a long, deep red scar, well more of a scab, flows across his cheek.

"The fire, though. We can get away, she might not be able to though.
You did it again. Repeating though twice in the same line.
My hands on another branch to stable me, or in other terms, so I won’t fall.

This makes no sense. What is trying to do? Is she trying to balance herself? Rephrase it.

I shake my head. “Just f*** off, Neal.”

If you plan to use slang be sure to rate the story 16+. That option is available when you are publishing a work.

“Oh, Lincoln and Pinkie are here too?” Neal asks, sarcastically.

Who is Pinkie?
Out of the corner of my

eye, I see a shiny glint of silver. It was by were Lincoln was asleep. I also

saw a pale white hand.

Tense shift! Saw is see. Maintain the tense.

I stare at the sliver,

which is now metal.

It sounds odd.
try-
I stare at the silver, which was actually metal.
“Lincoln!” I shout out, quickly standing up in the tree,

griping the base off the tree.

You don't have to mention tree twice. It sounds jarred.
“Lincoln!” I shout out, quickly standing up in the tree,
griping the base off it.

His blue eyes fill with tears as he realizes what’s happening.

I was very confused as to what was going on. You need to tell us exactly where the milky skin boy is. Lincoln is sleeping on the tree right? So the boy is there too? Is he on a branch? How did he climb up without being noticed? It makes little sense, don't ya think?

And even if Lincoln realizes what is happening, I don't think his eyes will 'fill with tears'. His face would probably register the shock and fear. And he dies even before he can react.
I suggest you tweak this bit so the reader understands what is going on.

a long sphere in his chest.

I think you mean spear? Sphere is globe shaped. It cannot be long.

“I can

fight bare handed,” he says.

I ignore his statement. “You’re

going to die. You’ve killed my team, my friend. You sick bastard,” I say. My

hands quickly collide with the boy, and he lets out a loud scream.

He comes to kill Lincoln and isn't scared of being outnumbered and being killed? Sounds kinda unrealistic. Or too simple. Maybe he puts up a fight? Or had a plan that went wrong?


I ask no questions about

Neal.

I thought Neal was the enemy here? Now they are a team??

Overall,
it was a good read. I like the Hunger Games so I enjoyed reading this. You have good narrative skills and some parts are done well. As geekgirl mentioned some of the names are unique which is a good thing.

Your staring was well-done. It made me want to read more.

Now to the nit picks.
Some of the sentences are kinda awkward. Read it twice to check if it makes sense. There are a few grammatical mistakes, especially with punctuations. Also play with some human emotions and thoughts. Lincoln is dead and I don't feel anything for him.Make the reader connect to your characters. Give us a background on them. Give them a character. You want the reader to feel your characters.

Give it a read again and sort out the ideas properly.
Otherwise, it was a good attempt!

Keep writing!

If you have any questions feel free to ask me!

Hope I helped!

-manisha

User avatar
tgirly
Review
tgirly wrote a review Review · Dec 29, 2013

Good job jumping into the action right away. However, at the beginning at least, I think you need to work on some of your details; you start to describe the characters and for the most part that's good, though a few of the details (the long hair making the girl look "nice" though the long hair part's a good detail, and the boy's mouth 'snapping shut' which makes me think of a sea turtle which is funny, but doesn't really fit with the mood you're going for here) could be reworked and you need more about the surrounding. They could be floating in space for all the reader knows until you finally mention a tree which helps give us some clues about their surroundings.

Dialogue is a strength of yours; really good job with that.
"I guess I've fallen asleep, because I'm woken up to a loud shouting. "Come on down!" the person, whoever they are, yells. I can tell by the voice who it is: Jada" If she can tell by the voice that it's Jada, why does she refer to the person first as 'whoever they are'? I might take that out. You also switch verb tenses a few times, so if I were you I'd make sure to clear that up; either have it all in the past or all in the present.

So overall, you need more and more specific detail, your dialogue's pretty solid, and you've got a nice plot starter so far. I look forward to the next part. Hope this review helped, even if it was a bit scatter-brained!
Keep writing and Happy Review Day,
-tgirly

User avatar
geekgirl
Review
geekgirl wrote a review Review · Dec 27, 2013

First things first, I really liked this piece because I love the Hunger Games. I love the names that you chose for the characters. Great job with that. However when I was reading I did notice some things that could be improved.

(quote) "Grey closes his eyes and snaps his lips closes" This really stood out to me because it didn't make a lot of sense. Perhaps instead of using the word 'closes' you could have used the word 'closed' even though I understand that the story was set in present tense.

(quote) "If she didn't, out cover may as well be blown." If you haven't noticed it says 'out' instead of 'our.' I know these simple mistakes happen but I just thought that I should point it out for you.

(quote) "Ah, I came across Salvatore. Don't worry, though, I took care of him." (Love the name Salvatore) I feel that in this sentence the first comma isn't really necessary. I see what you were trying to do with the punctuation though, about how the word 'though' wasn't necessary in the sentence, but it just confused me.

(quote) "So, what're we going to do?" Quick note, I don't think 'what're' is a word. I understand that you're trying to explain the accent people speak with but it was a little confusing.

In the last third of the work I don't know what happened to the formatting but it became really confusing because it must have glitched part of a sentence to a new line. I think that more description regarding the setting could have been possible. Don't be afraid to describe not only the sight but the smells, tastes, textures and noises.

I really enjoyed this though, keep up the great work. :)

Dang girlll, I need more people like you to like review my stuff...haha. I copied it from word because the actual website was being laggy and that's how the formatting got messed up...dammit. Thanks for pointing that out, though c:



As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro