Rough draft, constructive criticism required please!
The Doctor said, I think you're sick,
Take these pills and wear a smile,
Now quick, quick, quick,
I'm late for a round of golf.
His little girl sits on his desk,
Safe in a frame all teeth and rosy cheeks,
After golf, will he stop at the shop
to bring her favourite sweets?
I wonder if he pats her head and tucks her in.
She falls asleep to the sound of Mum and Dad,
Chinking glasses, belly laughing, and later,
Loving aaaahing.
Sunny morning brings kisses all round.
Ruffling the hairs on daughter's head,
He says, I know they're your favourite,
And picks a raisin from his bread.
When little daughter eats it in a blink,
Does Doctor think of me and how
The Prozac doesn't go down
Quite so easily?
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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I agree with the other comments. The last stanza needs a bit of work. I loved the first stanza it made me smile for some reason! I also liked the second stanza, but I do agree with that other comment adding another quick. I think with a little tweaking the poem would be perfection! So keep writing!
Hi,
I loved the first two lines of the second stanza because there was that moment where I thought his daughter was actually sitting on his desk! The ending is very effective.
I'd make it clear what her favourite is in the fourth stanza.
I'd read this aloud to get a sense of how it sounds because sometimes it's a bit bumpy. I'd try and have a similar number of syllabyles in each line. I'd also tighten up the rhyming because you switch the pattern you're using a couple of times which hinders the flow of the poem. I think an abab rhyme pattern would work best.
Hope this helps, and do feel free to p.m me if you have any questions.
Jas
Well as the other two reviewers said, that last stanza seems a little disconnected from the rest of the poem, because you focused so much on the daughter, and there wasn't much mention of the narrator/patient. It's a pretty cool idea for a poem, but it's going to need a little touching up.
Good luck, and keep writing!
~Hope
I think this line could use another "quick" to even out the syllable count.
The last stanza seemingly came out of nowhere. There was such a focus on the daughter, that the narrator was lost. I suggest either shifting the focus of the poem entirely onto the doctor's daughter or bringing in the "does he think of me" line earlier in the poem. Also, why is Prozac mentioned specifically?
The third and final stanzas had me wondering where they rhyme and rhythm went. I suggest either revising them to fit the rhyme and rhythm pattern of the other stanzas, or giving those two stanzas a shared pattern of some sort.
Lastly, punctuation. Poems are generally punctuated the same as prose and follow the same rules of grammar as such. You've got a lot of run-on lines in this poem, and it makes for not very pleasant reading.
Overall, this isn't a bad start. Pick a rhythm/pattern and stick to it, focus the subject of the poem better, and punctuate properly and I think it will turn out decent.
This seems somewhat disconnected to me because the first stanza doesn't quite follow the last in syllables. The first stanza ends quite solidly with golf because of the nice cut off after being so quick. Also it is the only stanza with a heated repetition in it which disconnects it from the rest of the poem. I also feel as though the meaning is somewhat lost due to how the poem dwells on the doctor's family rather than the differences between who he treats. All the same I find the poem to be witty with the connection even though there are so many other patients who're swallowing more than Prozac. It gives me a sense of overwhelming unimportance. How it swings back around to this one patient who's sick with such clarity is impressive.