There is a stranger in my bed.
His eyelids twitch when he sleeps,
I wonder if they always do.
He clings to the covers as if he knows them,
and sucks at the pillow like it’s a teat.
It was a race to the finish line,
I came second.
Just the silver trophy for me
as he was showered in gold.
He might leave his watch behind
and I’d treasure it forever,
What if he leaves his wallet?
I could put my photo inside.
Pride of place.
I won’t ever wash the sheets;
I’ll wear them as my veil
when we get married in my dreams.
He’s awake.
He looks straight through me,
Gathers his clothes and
Walks away without a word.
I search desperately for a memento,
Oh, I think he took one instead.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
I edited this a little using some of your marvellous and helpful ideas!
Have i changed it for the better or worse though haha?
I don't think this one's ever going to be perfect..
There's some pretty interesting fragments in here, every so often, scattered into a poem that also is full of useless lines. "He explored me like Drake / and I let him" is a perfect example of this. You've used a simile but it's gone nowhere -- there's no connection (in imagery terms) to the next line (which is also lazy, I mean, "and I let him"? You can do better.)
Nonetheless you also have "It was a race to the finish line / I came second," which is sublime. So are the last two lines. The irony and self-awareness through the piece really stands out. It just needs better images, extensions of your ideas, and to get rid of that boxers on the wall bit.
Why the please? It seems an appropriate simile to me.
Drake is an explorer.
By the way, I read a few of your other reviews and they also seem a little severe- You can offer constructive criticism without the stark tone, have a look around the forums and you'll notice people are doing it all the time.
Thanks for taking the time to look at my work!
sucked on the pillow like a teat? Does he think its a marshmallow? Please.
Mostly I think you'd benefit from condensation.
I don't understand the Drake reference.
Other then that its not bad, a lot of intensity. I want more sensory detail though, more light and shadow, color, some touch and maybe a smell. Some parts definitely made me feel uncomfortable, and I think you should try and magnify that as much as possible.
kinda reminds me of the song "I Never Came" by Queens of the Stone Age
Wow, I really, realy, REALLY liked this. Totally captured the mood of the situation and portrayed it in an interesting light. Nice job!
Wow, yeah I definitely have to add how much I like this. It's so emotional without being whiny and superficial. It's just great! Nice work!
That was... really goood... can't believe nobody else has commented.
I really liked it. It was just kind of beautiful.
Hey, I really liked this. In fact, this is a useless post, I don't have any crits. Just wanted to say that I thought you'd captured the mood of this situation perfectly...
Txx