We wait until our wedding night.
Frantic fingers paw at me
And a pool of white lace trickles away.
My secret is exposed,
Like untouched snow devoured by first sight.
Sweet nothings in my ear are
Not quite the vows he had written himself.
I liked his whisper before,
But now it penetrates like an acid wind,
Burning a hole in all I thought I knew.
He’s at my throat,
His tongue a razorblade.
The same tongue that asked with bated breath...
...Yes!
Invitations, guestlist, three course,
No,
four course. He wanted the fish.
New toaster, blender and lamp.
Dropped two dress sizes,
Ivory, cream or white?
Has to be white.
But not once did I get to know him.
I see him now,
Beads of sweat on his forehead,
Clammy hands outstretched,
My Husband.
A stranger.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,022 Literary Works • 672,750 Reviews
I really like this, and I think the best bit is how it ended. I think comparing the innocence of virginity to pure white snow is a little bit cliché, but everything else is well-written. I think it's a very original poem, and it flowed very well so no problems there. Nice one.
if only some people had read this poem before getting married it was great but i think you could've added a little more to the pain that the woman was feeling so that we could've felt more sympathy for her
I really like it. Especially the vulnerability I felt coming from the narrator. I felt kind of remorseful for the woman. What made you write this? Did you have an inspiration from someone? Or just a random thought? Sorry, I'm curious, but I do like it.
I liked this...alot. For me, it's a message many young people should read today. They don't realize what a gift purity is.
The last bit, somehow threw me off the main point, and kinda grossed me out. Idk, it just bugged me.
Beads of sweat on his forehead,
Clammy hands outstretched,
My Husband.
A stranger.
Overall, good job, and I like this.
WHOAH amazing. Just throughing that out there
Hi Helen
Thanks for replying, I think its really interesting to know the story behind a poem.
I had a feeling when reading your poem that you may have that view. And its made me see the poem in a different light.
Also the the question you posed, whether you really know your partner untill you sleep with them is an interesting one and it got me thinking. I think you addressed it very well.
Btw im doing this on my phone which dosent have spell check so sorry if there are any mistakes.
Xxx
Hey thanks for the reviews.
Selene- her secret is her body. Nobody's ever seen it before, it's like she's giving it away...
Emma- I got my inspiration from a decision I made to not have sex before marriage. I wanted to pose the question 'can you ever truly know your partner until you have sex with them?' I'm saying that all these things she may have found endearing when they were together become negative when she sleeps with him for the first time, such as his tongue, his touch etc
Wow that was lovely. But I came away from it quite sad. I don’t know why. But I think the second part had a general air of detachment, despite the fact that it was a about a couple coming together. Actually it was a nice juxtaposition from the franticness from the first bit. I don’t know whether that’s what you were going for sooo maybe its just me haha.
I also liked the mystery and the sense of vulnerability I got from the narrator.
But may I ask where you got your inspiration from?
Oh and you have a quote from Educating Rita, which I love, and its from my favourite part. So your alright in my books
Hi, Helen! I really like this style of writing you have going here- it's unique! The small details you were mindful to insert were quite effective in setting the stage for this poem, as well. Great job!
However, I found myself needing a little more explanation in some parts. I was a bit confused with the part on her wedding night and the woman saying that her secret is exposed. More background information could be used to properly describe the secret. I saw that at many points you tried to elude to the story and the emotions. This can either be very well or horribly in poetry, but for the most part I felt you needed some more clarity in what you were trying to communicate, especially in the story itself. Try writing your thoughts out before writing the poem. This can help organize the poem and increase the power of the message and/or story you are trying to get across. Another probably more common way to fix this is saying it out loud. That way you can kill two birds with one stone and take care of the grammar errors and awkward phrasing (which I didn't see as a problem in your case) and any out-of-place lines. These editing techniques can help improve your poetry tremendously.
I enjoyed reading this poem and thought you touched nicely on the emotions without bluntly saying anything. Yet what is good could be great with practice! I wish you luck on your future poetry and I hope what I've said has helped.
~Selene