i wrote this spontaneously, which is weird for me cos i usually sit and plan a poem
and consider devices and structure etc. but this came straight from the heart and is
unfortunaetly, all true feelings of mine. I might show it to my dad one day, when i
stop being so gutless, but until then i suppose it's just words.
They say that blood is thicker than water,
But I know that is not true.
I will always have feelings for others,
That I’ve never possessed for you.
You think that I am callous,
Heartless, cruel and cold.
But I do have a heart, Father,
Which you’ve never had to hold.
You’ve had endless chances to change,
To gain what’s rightfully yours,
Why didn’t you claim me, Daddy,
to end this infinite war?
Do I surrender, is that down to me?
I am a child, don’t you ignore.
If I wait for you to concede,
Will I wait for ever more?
I want to say goodbye,
Farewell, so long, adieu…
Because the ideal Father in my head,
I know now will never be you.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Wow!!
I absolutely love this!!
oh my gosh!!
It's really beautiful.
I love the part that says
"You think that I am callous,
Heartless, cruel and cold.
But I do have a heart, Father,
Which you’ve never had to hold."
I wrote a poem to my dad
kind of the same the feelings and everything
but yours is infinity times better!!
hehe
Keep writing, this was really inspiring to me and I really felt what you were saying.
This poem was so beautifully! It had so much emotion. I loved how you made everything flow. Excellent job!!
PG-
I've referred to my relationship with my dad as a war where neither of us are backing down, and i'm asking is it up to me to back down, even though i'm the child? i suppose my intention was to play on his guilt, to say that surely it isnt down to a child to surrender in a war like this, surely it should be him, the adult.
H
x
WOW
You've done an excellent job here. This piece is just wild with feeling!
I just have a question about this line: "Do I surrender, is that down to me?" What exactly are you trying to say here? The wording is just puzzling me...
Also, I'd recommend modifying the last line, as Raimunda said. It flows a lot better.
Other than that, bravo!
-PG
I had to read it twice because I didn't get it at first, but that's because I'm stupid and not because it's rubbish, because it isn't; it's really good.
You definately show your emotions instead of writing them, which is what you are supposed to do, so, like, yey.
One thing;
I think you should get rid of the "that it" here because the line...flows more without it, mon.
Year, so, j'aime ca.
xxxx
I agree with dark_angel, this is a very emotional poem.
I relate to this stanza, hence I really hope that you do get to show this to your Dad.
Back to the poem:
Actually with the same stanza I quoted. You say that you will always have feelings for others but then say that you've been called "callous, unfeeling, cruel, and cold." Which to me, is contradictory.
Then, (this may be just me considering I'm a Christian) when you capitalize Father and Daddy, it makes me think that you are talking about God. Though, you are obviously talking about your biological father, right?
Other than those two things, I think the poem is great! Keep writing!
Hey, Helen! I'm going to critique your poem today. ^^
For starters, this is an incredibly emotional piece of writing. It just sucked me right in and made me think. I really loved it, and thought that was insanely amazing to pack so much emotion into one short poem.
I hate to critique something that comes from the heart, but if you post something on YWS, you're pretty much asking for constructive criticism, so here I go. I thought it was a little confusing that the lines were different lengths. I know poems don't have to have the same lengths, but it didn't quite flow in my mind. Maybe a line-length scheme would help?
Just a suggestion. Feel free to PM me about anything concerning the review, or anything else.