Young Writers Society

Hello there!

This is an interesting poem. I really liked this. At first, I didn't get it much until I read it again and looked at those reviews above me.

It’s like the time when Mum
Put too much makeup on one eye,
Dark it was, and purple.
We weren’t allowed to ask why.

This is nice. I get the message of this line because of the makeup and purple thing.

Anyway, I won't nitpick on those mistakes 'cause I can't find anything. Maybe the rhyming and the structure of this poem?
Overall, this is definitely good and unique. Love the title too!

Keep writing!

Peace out!

Forget technique for a moment - this is one of the rare few poems on here that can take me through from start to finish, interest me the whole time, and leave me thinking hard at the end, and wanting more (although, it's good you didn't give it!). I loved the twists in this, the revealing of each little detail about the household in a step-by-step manner, but not so obviously that it's leaping out.

Blue lights,
A knock on the door wakes me.
A big man with a police hat is on my landing.
He chews on gum, mouth open and saliva.
Then I nod off. Just a dream.

At first I thought it was a dream, then I wondered if it was real - maybe some case of abuse going on that the police had to be there for. I love the blue lights, the knock, the big man, chewing on gum, saliva - these details made it electrically alive in a way.

However, here's what I can say for certain: the poem reads in a very dead manner out loud (or 'aloud in my head'). It's because of the line structure, the number of syllables in each and the shortness of certain lines. It's like a telegram: blue lights, (pause), a knock on the door wakes me, (long line so longer pause) etc etc. In a way, the shorter sentences are meant to create more of an impact, but in this case, they detract from it. I'd recommend lengthening lines and putting more interesting and quirky description in. And READ IT ALOUD - see how it feels - does it flow nice and quickly, (or even nice and smoothly and slowly), or does it seem stunted?

It’s breakfast.
Yum, crumpets and jam.
Oh, the tablecloth is gone, I never liked it much anyway.
Mum’s gone too.
Dad hums to the drip of the tap,
Soothingly, his slippers slap.

What I loved most about this was the way in which it was deceptively simple. Almost like an afterthought, you add 'Mum's gone too' - as if you noticed the missing tablecloth before her absence. This is what makes it so interesting - because we almost skip over those lines upon reading them, and so, when we get to a more obvious mention of what's really going on in the household, everything clicks marvellously into place and we can scan the poem for the third time for those cute details we missed first time round. Seems you have more finesse that way, instead of spelling it out for us in one go.

Oh, and I don't see what crumpets and jam - as interesting a title as they might be - have got to do with the story. However, I guess from the child's point of view, it kind of fits, since kids notice all the little things and totally miss the big ones. I'd say keep it .

It’s like the time when Mum
Put too much makeup on one eye,
Dark it was, and purple.
We weren’t allowed to ask why.

Then there was the day when
She walked into a door by accident.
Stupid Mum, silly thing.
Doors were always shut after that.

Here's where it began to get more obvious. That obvious innocence of the child to what's really happening is what gives it an edge, here, and makes it more chilling. Even so, for all we know, you really could have been talking about purple makeup and clumsy doors - but I think not

There’s an elephant in the room.
So I lean over and whisper,
“Dad, where’s the tablecloth gone?”

I LOVED this. At first, I didn't get it. Then, I wanted to know what it meant, so I made a bit more of an effort, and when I got it, I FELT GOOD ABOUT MYSELF - always a good thing! This is fabulous audience manipulation you've got going here.

So...the idea being that the 'elephant' is the glaring absence of the mother that is not sitting in the room, right? And I loved how you ended with a line about the tablecloth - BAM! Just like that, we knew it was all focussed on the mother - rather Shakespearean in terms of making us focus on the relevant detail by rather pointedly distracting us from it.

So, I liked this. I only wich people wrote in this matter more often - the deceptively simple manner. No need to go overboard with crazy similes and metaphors - the literality of this makes it all the sweeter. Techninically, I'd say do something about the line structure and the flow - with that sorted, it'll be perfect!

Feel free to PM me if you've made changes, would like some questions answered, or want me to take another look. I'd be very interested in seeing what you come up with!