Like Glass

Hallo!

I'm pleased to see more and more pantoums around YWS. I approve of this. That said, they're difficult poems to master -- you have to think in advance and make it work for now and the future, but I think you did decently with it here.

However, I feel like the flow of this poem is a little bit less than smooth, and that's because there is very little connectivity between the lines of the poem. A pantoum is an active process; each line needs to be able to work where it's originally placed and where it will be placed, so it requires a lot more thought and planning than common poems do, dearie. I think that your lines here sound a bit like fragments due to the placement of line breaks and punctuation, and if you connected your thoughts a little better, it would flow much better.

Hope that helps!

June

Wow. This was beautiful.

A few things I noticed...here and there you used shes, which should have been she's.

Also, "He ignores her, he forgets her, he refuses to give her his love that shes endlessly searching for." Great line, it would have sounded a bit more smooth if you had written it like this though:
He ignores her, he forgets her, he refuses to give her his love that she has endlessly been searching for.

With a switcharoo and a wibawoo a line can sound just as wonderful as bacon cooking in the morning!

Fantastic poem....obviously since this was hardly a review haha. You're a great writer, please keep writing.
Toodles.

Hm... OK.

It's a little stiff. That might be the word I'm looking for. Or heavy, but not the emotional kind of heavy, but like the "I want this poem to mean something so I'm going to put a cinder block in it" heavy. Essentially what you're saying is this girl is super bummed out 'cause this dude doesn't love her. But you could have totally said that in a much easier way, in a much shorter, less repetitive, less dramatic way.

How often is the night's blackness and dark scary clouds with presumably a 90% chance of precipitation with isolated thunder storms compared to being sad, especially the kind of sad incurred by some unrequited love? Well, often. So there's that. I want you to think about this, not because I find this really cliched but because I believe that if this tale is so important that you attempted to write a poem about it, then you can take that significance and pour it into something a little bit better. Significance/Passion/Poem.

So now we gotta talk about this repetition. Why are you repeating yourself so often? I get it, repetition equals emphasis, but you have to know exactly why you are emphasizing something and what you intend to do with that emphasis. Don't repeat something just because you think it sounds good. The thing that frustrates me is that you have some great stanzas here:

"They tear her apart from the inside out,
Burying her under the ground she's trying to stand on
As she searches for words never said
That she never finds."

I totally dig that, man! It's good! Good image, good way of putting it, good structure. You have great poetic intentions. But then you ruin it by piling on more of the same thing, more or less, in two more stanzas at the end. Here's what I've done:

"He doesn't care, not even a little.
The night's blackness encases her.
Her heart shatters like glass,
Glass windows guide the falling rain and tears
Heavy dark gray clouds hide the stars,
Hide the fears, hide the regrets,
As they seep into the cracks of her shattered heart.
She puts on a fake face, to hide the torment,
They tear her apart from the inside out.
As she searches for words never said.
Burying her under the ground she's trying to stand on
That she never finds.
He ignores her, he forgets her, he refuses to give her his love that shes been endlessly searching for
She's sinking, drowning, dying, in the tears, rain, and glass. "

I took out all the repetition, and now you have about half of your poem left. I have nothing against repetition, let me reiterate. But it HAS to have a purpose. I like your premise, I can see what you were TRYING to do, but with you went a little crazy with the Cool Whip and now there's very little ice cream. You see what I mean? Now take that idea, turn it down a little bit, and add some more depth, some more concept. Then it will be heavy, but it won't feel like you were trying too hard.

I do like it, but that's just what kept me from really enjoying it. Hope this helps.

Wow, just wow.
I have never encountered this type of poetry writing before. It is interesting, and seems very complex. I have a feeling that writing like this must be difficult, and you surely have a skill.
The story you have created is just heart breaking. You describe things so well, and create a vivid picture, which is essential in most poetry.
At first it was a little hard for me to understand, but it may have been a fault of my own :').
In the end, i enjoyed reading this, keep up.