O frothing ocean waves that mold the lands
You churn and toss your head in proud acclaim,
Your playthings are the works of human hands.
Chameleon skin, your ever-changing mood
From black to gray to green and back again--
The blue of sky is your most constant food.
You shield the hidden depths of lands unseen
And tempt the careless sailor to become
Another part of your museum-scene.
The temperamental humors of your veins
Cause you to roar and prance and then to still
Like a proud horse under his master's reigns.
You are the perfect jewel and gem of earth;
Mother of life, who gave the song its birth.
O dancing, cresting wonders of the sea,
The endless water-stretches are your own.
You play among the winds, alone and free.
A somber creature sometimes, but you laugh
At all attempts to chart your guarded realms;
The storms, they love to froth on your behalf.
The tempests, rain and lightning are your friends,
They are your fellow guardsmen, standing watch
Over the mysteries kept from eyes of men.
You pine for sky, for places where you rest
In droplets formed to clouds, away from all
The chaos and confusion of the crest.
Your tears no mortal sees or understands
The ageless work of your unwearied hands.
Yet through the clouds of sadness comes a light,
A music sirens dare not to purloin,
You lift your head and sing throughout the night.
O mirthful child of never-ending life,
Yet ancient in your heart, you still declare
Yourself the queen o’er ev’ry sailor’s strife.
No festive flute could keep the tune you play,
No mortal sleep infringes on your song,
Your voice awakes the sun to start the day.
A maiden full of youth and vigor true
Could not hope to match the swirling pace you set
When you dance like light in sparkling morning dew.
Your ballroom spans the world and ‘velops all
That’s hidden under stream and waterfall.
>I edited it. quite a bit, actually<
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
I just had to take this opportunity to thank you, all of you, for your wonderful help and encouragement on this piece--it's officially going to be published in my university's annual literary magazine!
Both that happy fact and reading over all your kind comments has really reaffirmed me as a writer; thanks again.
Terrific. I loved the imagrey. A few of the verses seemed kind of stiff, though.
I loved it, i was at a loss for words, i thougth it was brilliant. I have nothing to add to what any of the other people have said, any problems with it i couldnt see. I am not good at commenting on poetry, i either love it. or i dont think much of it.
Yours i love, of course, how could i not, when it was written by such a talented writer.
Please, i am begging you, continue writing more
-Skell
Glad that Big Sis liked my crit. XD
Sohini, Fabien, thank you both so much! Sohini you gave me a LOT of really good pointers, I will deffinately go back and see what I can do (although I did use aproxomate ryhme at some points on purpose, you caught a lot of stuff I didn't see--thanks!)
I grew up right on the sea. The waves and the spray in the winter would splash the front windows of our house.. Words can't describe how that piece made me feel. It gave me a sense of longing and nostalgia and I want to thank you for that.
This is one of the greatest Nature poems I have read here till date. I am moved.
but I think the length of the lines in this stanza is disrupting the rhythm of the poem.
The use of imagery is beautiful and the way you have managed to capture the mystery and awe-inspiring quality of the sea wave, is truly beautiful. The personifications are excellent too.
The essence of the sea’s ever-changing mood and her wrath and mystery is wonderfully captured.
My favourite stanza will be: “O mirthful child of never-ending life
Yet ancient in your heart, you still declare
Yourself the queen o’er ev’ry sailor’s strife”
I also see the sea as a majestic Queen!!
And :
“No festive flute could keep the tune you play
No mortal sleep infringes on your song
Your voice awakes the sun to start the day” Awesome!
The pattern of the poem is a little tricky but very novel.
I think the rhyming is in a b a format. But at 2 occasions, they didn’t rhyme:
1.“O frothing ocean waves that mold the land
You churn and toss your head in proud acclaim
Your playthings are the works of human hands”
*you could change the land to lands so that it rhymes with hands.
2. “The tempests, rain and lightning are your friends
They are your fellow guardsmen, standing watch
Over the mysteries kept from eyes of men”
friends and man don’t rhyme. Why not use “Your friends are the tempests and the rain” for the 1st line? Rain and men don’t rhyme either but sound a little alike.
3. “You shield the hidden depths of lands unseen
And tempt the careless sailor to become
Another part of your museum-scene”
*although, I love this particular stanza, Ithink the rhymes “unseen” and “scene” are a little turn-off.
“Yet through the clouds of sadness comes a light
A music sirens dare not to purloin
You lift your head and sing throughout the night “
* I am not sure
Punct achomplished!
Yay poems!
O, comma, frothing?Nothing to say other than technical stuff, I can't speak much about dragons..
And, you had NO punctuation! Okay well almost none, but I mean...That makes a lot of your lines one long sentence! *gasp* ^_^ Poetry And Punctuation.
I really enjoyed reading this.
from one poet to another
I will say, that as a poet, I'm not fond of poetry with a rhyme scheme, as in that not many people can pull it off, because it really diminishes the vocabulary usage, but wow oh wow.
This is definately a great usage of rhyme scheme. I also quite like the topic as well.
Stanza 5 is brilliant:
"You are the perfect jewel and gem of earth
Mother of life, who gave the song its birth. "
you've managed to weave much imagery into this, and it's wonderful. The use of the sensory imagery is lovely too. And some abstract analogies are quite interesting too.
Bravo
--Claire
I am sorry if you were hoping for a criticism, but it was just too good. It reminds me of a really old poem which is a rare thing. I particullarly liked the way that you discribed the uncontrolable nature of the sea.
Keep writing!
~SishBee~
I say this with true honesty, and with the added delight of being able to quote with possibly no one noticing: that is beautiful.
I live by the sea, and there is such a thing about it that makes such a wonderful subject to write about, and you have it here down really nicely.
That is so well put down. The way the sea moves, it does dance and play, and it is as magnificent as you put it down as.
And the poem RHYMES!!!! *clutches at heart* Love rhyming poetry, can't get enough of rhyming poetry . . .
-Twit
Thanks fireweed! *gives a cookie*
Awesome.
Consistent rhyme and rhythm, smooth flow, lovely imagery, lyrical phrases. This has an ancient, mystical feel to it, like something you would read in a fantasy book.
Sorry if you were hoping for a harsh critique. I know that pure praise isn't very constructive, but I really enjoyed this piece.
Keep writing! ^_^