written for Sashlash Stormsinger, my alter ego, Master of the Waters and Emperor Over a Thousand Seas
The green waters still,
Not a sound.
The waving trees hushed,
Not a breath.
The sky turning dark,
Nothing stirs
Save swift-moving clouds
Overhead.
A deep distant throb,
Thunder rolls.
A brief fright’ning flash,
Lightning strikes.
Thousands of droplets
Pound gently,
Waves thrashing upwards,
Water breaks.
The storm starts to surge,
To resound.
All nature responds
To my song
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Very nice imagery. I agree that the apostrophe (apostowotsie??
) in "fright'ning" disrupts the flow. Just putting "frightening" is fine.
I think, when you say "the trees hushed" you mean the hushed to be an adjective, as in "the trees are hushed", am I right? Also, when the droplets "pound gently", it sort of threw me off. It's just my opinion, but I think the rain should either fall gently or pound into the water hard.
This is a beautiful poem, and I really like the free-form too.
~Twinflower
Very pretty, Gyr! I especially liked the first eight lines.
If I'm being critical, then it's with the word "fright'ning" in "fright'ning flash." I'd take out the " ' " and simply put "frightening" coz when I saw the apostowotsie, it kinda threw me out of sync in the reading.
Very neat ending, it makes me think of a fantasy nature, a Middle-Earth-esque place. That makes it a nice place, btw.
-Twit
*grins knowingly*
I love visual stuff like this. I may have to write you that scene now, dagnabbit!
All nature responds
to my song
Yeah, that's just hot.
You don't have to capitalize the first word of every line-sometimes it makes more sense if you don't. I really like this poem, and anything I'd have to say Cal already stated.
Great job!
Wiggy
*mutters* that's not all that's alien...
sorry, couldn't resist. punctuation is a pain, I know, but for me it's capitalizing the first of every line. Drives me nuts.
I tried CL, hope it's better. Using punctuation in poetry is rather alien to me, I must admit.
Nice, beauteous imagery Gyr, but there are things that would make this poem even better, first: punctuation.
As Bob would say - DO THE PUNCT!
Right now the poem is just one long phrase, and some of the wording gets confusing when (as a reader) you don't know where the pause is.
Here is an example of what I mean:
The green waters still
Not a sound
- because there is no break we are left wondering where still goes with 'waters' or still goes with 'sound'.
There is also the fact that you tense jump. First line is present: still, third stanza is past: hushed. Then you go back to present. Was that 'hushed' a concious choice?
Also wondering, are these congruous -- throb and rolls, can thunder throb and roll?
A deep distant throb
Thunder rolls
Other than that, nice homage to your alter-ego.
I've been doing poems more in the style, lately. I love free-form! I really like the imagery and the way it flows. Thumbs up!