Terrify my heart,
Reckless submission sweeping through my soul,
Fearlessness chaining me to pain.
The art of giving control:
A craft too sweet
For my logic-bound mind to grasp.
Slavery is an inescapable.
The only choice—
Which side to serve
Which chains to wear.
Freedom never found in breaking free,
Dare to submit.
Fear of giving in, but
Independence overrated.
Bend the knee,
Break the heart,
Lose the sense of all-important self
And fall,
Arms outstretched,
Into the inescapable truth:
Welcome home.
Note: yes, it has religious significance to me as a Christian, but please don't let that affect your crits.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Thanks, both of you, I've really been waiting for someone to comment. Crystal, I understand how it could be confusing to you, sorry you didn't enjoy it. AmeliaOliver, I'll deffinately consider the stanzas idea: if all it does is make it easier to read, that's reason enough!
In all, I found it rather disjointed, as if you came up with a bunch of phrases and listed them. Except for the end of the poem, beginning at "Bend the knee, break the heart ..." Eh, after rereading it a few more times, my thought process becomes less and less like this, though.
I wanted to separate it at times into stanzas, but I don't know if there is really a good reason to do so other than to make it easier to read by breaking it up. So not something earth shattering, but still something to consider.
I really, really liked the last line "Welcome home".
Note: I liked the religious significance, but as I'm Christian as well, I might be a tad biased
All in all, I think this is a good poem. But there were a few things that confused me.
For starters, what exactly does it mean to 'give control'? That didn't quite make sense to me.
Also, you said 'slavery is an inescapable' Is 'inescapable' meant to be a noun? If it is, you may want to make that more obvious, as it looked like a grammatical error.
One last thing. At the end you said 'Welcome home'. That bit was a bit unclear. Is it saying that to be home means to be enslaved? Or is it just reiterating that you can't escape slavery?
I really liked this poem, I think it had a deeper meaning that the reader will ponder for a while after reading it, and I think that that's a good quality in a poem.
Keep writing!
-Sorceress