18+

The Council of Terra - Part 1

Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

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⛓Six Feet Under⛓

TW: 18+ | Slight Descriptions of Violence | Mature Language

PT 380, Dimension Y-062

Hestia Lorenz

Voices rattled across the rolling sand of the baseball field, kicked up by soles of the cleats of the Kingston Wyverns, dashing across home plate! A lone, red-headed girl came up to bat. The scoreboard’s innings had made it to their limit, the score finally tied, last up to bat was Hestia Lorenz.

Her teammates bit at their nails with anticipation. She tucked her hair roughly into her hat, sucked in through her teeth, and stepped up to bat. The one person who made any audible noise was her Mom in the stands, Rhea Lorenz. A red-headed woman just like Hestia, famously much taller than her own mother. She was gifted a phoenix necklace by her Mom, it was the very first thing written in her will. Rhea let out a hearty cheer for Hestia before everything fell silent again. Even the dust fell to the ground in anticipation. The wind blew against her face, the trees looked her way.

“Strike one!” The umpire cried out as the first ball skittered past Hestia’s face.

Her eyes blinked rapidly, as if trying to regain composure. Her bat nearly touched the ground, meaning she had swung at it, even if her reaction time was shot. If only she had seen the ball coming from a mile away. This time, focus on the pitcher. Eye on the ball. She shook her bat in a cheeky circle, as if saying “come and get me!” The next ball flew with a curve to it, but Hestia’s training prepared her. As if picking a fly mid-flight out of the air, she sent the ball into the stands. Which sat behind and to her left.

“Foul ball, strike two!” The umpire’s voice screeched.

The final ball. Hestia’s teammates' voices began to pipe up, along with other supportive parents including her mother’s. Her reaction time wasn’t shot, everything was there, she reassured herself. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and rolled her shoulders before the last and final ball came barreling towards her.

“Strike 3!” The umpire’s voice concluded.

Following the embarrassing after-game pep talk with the coach, Hestia’s Mom drove her home. They sat in the car in relative silence. Hestia leaning against the window, glancing over at her Mom occasionally in disgust. Disgusted at what the Lorenz name brought her, expectation, and not the good kind of expectation where if you don’t do good you’re considered “average”, the black and white expectation that came with her family name.

As a Lorenz, if you succeed, you are acclaimed as a hero, a savior to humanity just like Terra Lorenz, Hestia’s grandmother. If you fail, the curse of Terra follows you. In Terra’s case, it involved being seen as a terrorist and an enemy of the United States government. Someone to be hunted. In Hestia’s case, it meant her dreams of becoming a professional ball-player were set back twice as much due to the reputation her family had. It was akin to rolling a dice whenever she walked into a room with someone who knew of her family’s history. “Maybe if they’re a little more liberal they’ll let this one slide…” Hestia often thought.

While her Mother was not a war hero like her Mother before her, Rhea was revered for different, but similar reasons. Finishing what Terra started and maintaining rights for mutant-kind across the United States. With some help, Rhea was able to finish Terra’s work and assist in the grand-opening of Meta Island! (What Hestia liked to call it.) Terra was hated and loved as a war hero and potential savior, Rhea was hated and loved as a political figure. So what was Hestia?

“-a disappointment!” Rhea’s voice sounded. She had begun to focus on Hestia once they pulled into their driveway. When Hestia looked back, confused, Rhea assured “Don’t think you’re a disappointment.”

“Then what might I be?” Hestia asked cheekily, half-expecting a lazy answer.

“Things like this happen. You’ll have many more chances to prove yourself. I know you’re a great ball player. All we have to do is keep practicing. How about this? Maybe I can start using some of my powers to amplify my throws. It’ll be like a real professional is throwing you fast-balls!”

“Only if I get to do the same to you first.” Hestia jeered.

________________________________________________________________________

The next day, Hestia went to school. Monday was the day that presentations for history projects started. The assignment was to “focus on a figure who changed our perception of history.” This felt like too lofty an assignment for a mere freshman to find one single person who changed humanity’s perception of our world. So Hestia chose something closest to home, her grandmother. Not a lot was “solidified” in documented history involving Terra. But one thing was known for sure. She freed metahumans from the MFI’s containment camps. So Hestia chose this.

She walked into school, Averting her eyes from most of her baseball team. She felt some wandering eyes pierce her soul as she passed some of them in the halls. Others were more sympathetic, or didn’t care. When her friends approached her at her locker asking about the game, she immediately changed the subject.

After shambling through some classes, she excused herself to use the bathroom. On her way out, she saw some girls she knew chatting it up loudly. As she went to leave, they took notice of her.

“Hey Hestia! I heard Evelyn put out a hit for you after what happened last week.”

“What happened?” She asked innocently. Hestia truly had no idea what had happened, her mind was so swallowed by the events of yesterday that it was like every other event in her life was a blink in her existence. The other fifteen years were spent slowly watching a curve-ball fly past her face as she failed to hit it.

She was snapped out of her thought. “Um, you don’t remember? You got her in trouble with the Dean! You saw her smoking and spilled.”

“Oh…Sorry. I forgot. What ended up happening to her, anyway?” She remembered now. She saw her smoking her vape in the bathroom and told the Dean of Students after they were each caught on camera walking out of there around the same time.

She felt a light slap across the back of the head from one of the other girls.

“This isn’t a conversation. She got suspended, and now her parents are pissed. I thought you knew about girls' rules. Girls don’t snitch on other girls!”

She turned to face the one who had delivered the slap to her head. It didn’t hurt, but it was just enough to bother her, and take the situation a little seriously.

“Hey…I said I was sorry. I’ll remember the rule. I just didn’t want to get in trouble too.”

“That isn’t enough! Next time, you won’t be so lucky!” The girl facing her declared as she delivered a hearty slap across Hestia’s face. Nearly bringing her head to the ground. The girls snickered to themselves and ducked away before anybody came.

Hestia watched as they left. “Stupid, you should’ve just not let yourself get involved! Is that weak sorry the only thing you had to say in response?” Her inner dialogue prodded at her as she sat against the wall of the bathroom with her hand on her face. A small amount of light began to radiate from her hand, and the pain faded.

The Power of Olympus was what she and her family were blessed with. The power was passed down to Rhea, and then to Hestia. However, Hestia never had time to use it to its full potential. Except for its healing capabilities, which she prided herself on. Terra was not a strong healer. This was Hestia’s one claim to fame. She was better at healing than the great Terra Lorenz! Who never needed to heal herself, she was far too strong for such a meaningless ability.

Hestia wasn’t.

She had fallen off the monkey bars and sprained her leg as a toddler, and Rhea took the opportunity to use her own power to heal Hestia to stop her from crying too loud in public. From that moment, every time Hestia scraped her knee, fell off her bike, or had a hangnail, she healed herself quickly.

“...For my project, I decided to do my grandmother, Terra Lorenz.”

There was a pretty slide with appropriate transitions that flipped to the next slide of her presentation. A portrait of Terra was displayed along with a block of text. She felt the judgemental eyes of the class piercing into her. A privileged girl like her doing her famous grandmother when she’s done nothing of note? Pathetic.

(editor's note: this is a commission I got from my friend!)

She stood awkwardly at the front of the room, passionately going over different known facts about Terra’s life. Geeking out about niche photographs and videos showcasing Terra’s special fighting style, which involved telekinetically controlling pieces of her signature weapon, the Artemis Armor.

“To summarize, one of the most notable things that Terra ever did was stop the MFI, Meta Facilities Incorporated. The general populace thought that they were allies to all meta-kind, but they turned out to be running an underground operation which jailed metahumans and used them in labor camps hidden throughout the United States. Terra was the one to stop them and set the metahumans free! Does anyone have any questions?”

A young man rose his hand, Hestia was quick to pick him to answer, surprised that anybody had something to say about her presentation at all.

“Wasn’t that choice essentially what led up to the meta-mutant civil war?”

“Oh, well. I guess so? I don’t think it’s fair to say that it was Terra’s fault though.”

“Well, if they weren’t let out all at once, then maybe the U.S. could have accounted for the population problems that followed. Maybe the death toll wouldn’t be as high.”

“True, but I don’t know how that could’ve been stopped. Sometimes true change takes real rebellion. My grandma was ready to bear the weight of her mistakes.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call her a ‘hero’ though.” The young man huffed. Hestia was on the border of tears. She felt like she wanted to vomit as she glided to her desk.

Hestia arrived home. Rhea had gone to work for the day and had notified her that she was working a late shift. These days the house is empty. Hestia put in her earbuds and practiced her swing in the backyard. One year, the year after she learned the truth about Santa, was when Rhea presented her with her favorite Christmas gift, An Ai baseball pitcher that learned based off of the batters tendencies. It allowed Hestia to improve without a pesky batting partner to keep her occupied.

Despite baseball being a team sport, Hestia never became friends with many of the people on her team, many of which were men. Who formed their own cliques which did not allow girls like her. She convinced herself it was because she tried too hard to be “one of the guys.” The game was more important to her, anyway.

She held her bat up to swing, but was distracted when she heard a loud noise from inside of the house. She gently set the bat down and walked inside. The TV screen, which wasn’t even on when she had walked in, was filled with static. It felt like a callback to the horror movie Hestia had watched last week with her mother. However, it was the height of the day. She turned the TV off, and with it went the static. Hestia stepped back outside.

Only to see a bright red sky. Just like the stories.

Scorched Earth, red skies, the end.

Screech!

Tire tread was violently eaten up as Rhea turned into the driveway. It was the first time Hestia had truly seen her mother use her powers. Like an angel coated in red, she jumped over the roof of the house and gently landed in front of Hestia. She lifted the phoenix necklace that lay under Hestia’s shirt, cradling it in her hands.

“Take this, go to olympus, and run. We need you as far away from here as possible.”

“Mom, what’s happening?”

“I don’t know. But it means you have to run. Hold the necklace, and think about Olympus. Just like all those pictures I showed you, the stories I read you.”

“I-I can’t! What’s going to happen to you?”

Rhea grabbed Hestia’s hand with inhuman strength. A grip that Hestia couldn’t hope to break. Her vision was blurred as a visage of red only found in her nightmares flooded her backyard.

“Think about Olympus!” She demanded, implanting the thought of Olympus into Hestia’s head, like a switch, her body disappeared from Earth, and reappeared on top of a mountain suspended in the air, disobeying the rules of gravity.

Hestia’s body was shaking, her molecules had been removed and subsequently rearranged. She keeled over on her knees, throwing up on the ground. She rose to her feet, regaining her vision and allowing for her heart to slow a beat. Allowing her to realize what she held in her hand.

It was her mother’s disembodied arm.

Even above the heavens, the red that swallowed all living things engulfed the world. Heaven and Hell along with it.

________________________________________________________________________________

PT 394, 14 Years Later, DRU HQ

Enzo Eclipse

“Fake world. Fake world. I have to go back.” These words repeated over and over again inside of the mind of Enzo Eclipse. For five months, all he could think about is those he left behind, whether or not they were AI, code. Whatever they were.

He sat in a featureless room. The walls were a shiny white. The only thing adorning them was a sign that read “Jackie’s office”. Enzo was waiting for his supervisor to finish her report to Captain Jackie. Enzo was the first of his kind (second, technically) who inhabited Dimension Regulation HQ. It was mostly inhabited by Glitches, those who lacked a home dimension. They were given two choices, serve DRU, or die. The second classification was Outcasts, like Enzo’s supervisor, Petra. Outcasts left their dimension by some means. Petra is able to live with her family as if DRU was just a day-job. Enzo was assigned a new title. Insider. A living being that DRU created.

After exiting his simulation, Enzo was essentially on the same level as a Glitch, forced to undertake dangerous missions to protect dimensions within DRU’s database. Due to Enzo’s body being physically unfit, he was given preverbal training wheels. The easiest jobs. Patch a dimensional rip here, apprehend a harmless glitch there. It was almost embarrassing. The embarrassment was the last thing Enzo worried about when he had to sit down to eat lunch with the room filled with beaten and battered glitches who had lost out on an easy day's work.

Past the door Enzo sat next to, Petra sat across from Jackie’s desk. Her office was adorned with many artifacts from years of fighting for DRU. She kept commemorative items from missions that meant a lot to her. The most recent was a star-shaped necklace that read “STARDUST” on its underside. The tall woman before Petra had an eye-patch and long, pink hair. Equally scarred and ageless. She sat back in her chair, resting her boots on her desk. As if already proclaiming to Petra “eat my shit!” She sat with her blind eye towards Petra as she explained Enzo’s situation.

“He wants to go back into the simulation. Is he valuable enough to DRU that you can’t simply put him back? He had a sister in there, she was very real to him. You knew he would be like this when you let him out due to Edriel’s influence, but you did it anyway.”

“Putting him back into the simulation is more complicated than you think. Edriel effectively disabled the simulation. Enzo is a failure of an experiment, he wasn’t on the top of the boss’s order list. He wanted an indistinguishable clone of Tempest and Terra Lorenz. We failed at both objectives, now Master N is pissed. Frankly, I do not have the time to think about your problems.”

Petra looked despondently past her old friend. The simulation was made to recreate Enzo in Tempest’s image; this was ruined when the AI who was in charge of the system, Edriel, decided to change many major events in would-be Tempest’s life, turning him into Enzo Eclipse of the Kubota Family. A failed experiment next to another failed experiment that was much higher priority than him.

“You aren’t the Master’s puppet.” Petra hissed as she walked out of the office. Enzo looked up at her with hopeful eyes when she stepped out. “Let’s go talk about this over something to eat.”

Enzo and Petra sat in the cafeteria eating processed sandwiches. Around them stood the main area where glitches resided. They came in all shapes and sizes, cultures and aesthetics of one dimension represented with each new glitch that inhabited the cafeteria. A familiar man sat across from Enzo and Petra. It was Nova.

If Enzo was supposed to be Tempest Lorenz, Nova was supposed to be Terra Lorenz. His first failure as an experiment had to do with his conception. Instead of his artificial body developing to look like the original Terra’s, he developed into a man. Inside of the simulation, his life was very similar to that of the original Terra’s.

He continuously pushed his curly orange hair away from his face as he quietly sipped on his miso soup, listening into Petra and Enzo’s conversation with little subtlety.

“Who even is Master N? Why does he care so much about me and Nova?” Enzo pried.

“That old geezer is the creator of DRU. He wanted that simulation to shape you into someone you are not. It's as simple as that.”

Enzo locked eyes with Petra. “Why can’t I go back in? You’re hiding something.”

“Have you ever heard of the story of Azathoth?” Nova piped up.

“So now you say something.” Petra muttered.

“Azathoth is known as the blind idiot god. He is the master of all creation, but everything he created is unknown to him. All of reality is merely a part of Azathoth’s dream. When he awakens, all things end. Everything goes black. No warning, no red skies, no Radio. His eyes simply open, and everything ceases. That is what the simulation was like for us. We woke up. Why would the simulation have any reason to exist after that?” Nova explained.

“How can you even say that? You had a daughter in the simulation.” Enzo countered.

“I loved Rhea. But there is no going back. Your sis, Emi was her name, right? Just because you didn’t spend enough time with her doesn’t mean you shouldn’t treasure the time you did spend with each other.” Nova responded as he finished his meal and left.

“You didn’t spend a lot of time with your sister?” Petra asked.

“She was always sick, I was always trying to provide for her. The jobs I did for the Yakuza got harsher the more I asked for money.”

“That’s hard.” Petra reflected.

They sat in silence. Enzo thought back to his time in the simulation. He remembered his little sister’s face. Even when she was in the hospital, she wore a permanent smile. Every job, every night spent in the clutches of harmful crime lords. It was all wasted when Enzo could’ve just spent it with the only thing he cared about. In the real world, what was the point when he had nothing to live for? Before he was to make a choice, he wanted answers.

“Take me to dimension Y-062. That’s where this all started, right?”

“Why the hell would I take you there? It was destroyed by Radio fourteen years ago. Jackie might be pissed if I were to go!”

“I thought you said you didn’t care about Jackie anymore. You decided to take me under your wing when you became my supervisor. I need to know who Tempest Lorenz was before I continue on. I want to know who I was supposed to be.”

“You want to go to a broken world to find remnants of Tempest Lorenz? It’s unlikely we’ll find anything. He died about forty years ago.”

“I don’t care. I need to know. Besides, I have this as my guide.” Enzo held up a kitsune mask imbued with special powers. On the back of it, many pressure sensors and minuscule lights, creating a complex network of coding attuned to Enzo. It read “Dimensional Augmented Reality Mask”.

“We might find some really bad stuff if we go there, you know that, right? Y-062 is where the first Radio attacks happened.”

Comments & reviews · 4
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Tikaya
Review
Tikaya wrote a review · Thu Apr 09, 2026 2:04 pm

The odds were 1 in 14 but Council of Terra was still chosen =D

I love that you put pictures in your stories :3

I like the first paragraph! It conveys immediate action and we have a clear sense of stakes!

Okay now I am having a pronoun confusion: “ famously much taller than her own mother. She was gifted a phoenix necklace by her Mom,“ Are we talking abt Hestia being given the thing and being taller than her mom or her mom being taller than her grandma and having the necklace? @@ Also careful with the grammar, it’s “her mom” here since we are not using “Mom” as a substitute for a name.

How can the dust settle and yet the wind still blow?

The way she misses her fist pitch is also confusing. Didn’t she see it coming? Probably not from a mile but still? I don’t understand where her focus has been.

Oh I like that she doesn’t save the game. That’s an interesting development and also gives grounds for curiosity: why are we following this girl? What is her story? Will she succeed next time in whatever she sets out to do? We already have a precedent of losing so expectations are all over the place! Which is obv good!

Hmmm I also don’t really get what Rhea means by amplifying Hestia’s throws. Wouldn’t that be cheating? And why is “Only if I get to do the same to you first” a comeback? I don’t get it ☹

I feel like this could also use another read through, there are some words capitalized that shouldn’t be and also… dialogue formatting ☹

Hmm if the game really came down to Hestia, I think the entire team had something to do with that xd So everyone is to blame!


I don’t really understand what that means? “She saw her smoking her vape in the bathroom and told the Dean of Students after they were each caught on camera walking out of there around the same time.“ Who was walking out together? Is this like blackmail material for the dean? @.@

Okay I feel like you build up Hestia pretty well: Nothing goes right for her in school and she’s also not living up to her family name. That’s all good stuff!

So… why do you need to tell that she’s a great healer? Why not… have her not see that and just keep it hidden or unknown for a moment. She seems like the kind of person who would downplay her only claim to fame because she’s so downtrodden and constantly thinking abt being a disappointment. Wouldn’t it work better if she just casually heals herself without really thinking about it?

The commission looks really really good!!! If you are still in contact, let your friend know I love it :3

Hmmmm Hmmmm I kinda don’t really have a good picture of her mom’s powers. So the entire scene where she arrives home and drives and jumps and stuff is kinda lost on me. I cant follow the action and I also cant really understand what really is happening?

Maybe you could have set up her mother’s power earlier? I understand that this is a sequel but you are starting a new book and it’s important that you make sure new readers get what’s going on. So idk instead of focusing on school where nothing of note really happened other than nobody likes Hestia and we get some exposition on her grandma, why not have the baseball scene between Rhea and Hestia to show their powers in action?

Hmm I also feel like you could have handed out the info about the DRU etc more smoothly? Maybe in a scene? Or in dialogue? Right now it’s just a lot of info told in a way that probably won’t lodge themselves in my mind ☹

Okay, now we have dialogue but it’s still confusing @.@ Maybe you should just slow down with the concepts and names and stuff and just… slowly introduce them. One key point at a time? Now we have that Enzo is kinda not-real in very real sense? I keep thinking he’s an AI brought to life back when his home dimension got destroyed or whatever?

Whenever I start reading a Green Room work from the middle onward I am very permissive of stuff being poorly explained or stuff referencing stuff that happened before. But this is chapter 1 of a story your recommended. Even if it is a sequel you cannot do this @.@ You can’t just throw so much stuff at the reader without them being completely overwhelmed and getting lost. I get that you want to get to the actual plot of this story but even then, I feel like some of the stuff the characters talk about here is probably not necessary to understand this new plot ☹

I think this story works perfectly for what you set out to do: writing down your thoughts. And it really shows so much creativity!

It just doesn’t really work if you want anyone else to read it because I have no idea who these characters are (and you mention so many!) nor why I should care about them. The only one I got attached to was Hestia because you spend enough time with her that I got to know and like her! And even then, all the backstory stuff (why is so much of it in chapter 1???) dragged down her side of the story too.
It’s okay to keep things mysterious and leave some things unexplained. I feel like I’m being beaten over the head with exposition at every corner (except for most of Hestia :3)
Sometimes, less is more.

PS: If that didn't scare you off, then don't forget to add the next chapter to Request Wall Post XD

Random avatar
Ravena
Review
Ravena wrote a review · Sun Aug 31, 2025 3:41 pm

Hello, My Friend!

It's been a while! It’s me, Raven, and I’m here to finally check out The Council Of Terra! And as always, I'll be using the Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?

What The Black Eyes See
~ A full analysis and breakdown


WOAH, this was an absolute banger of an opening for the next DRU story!! I was so excited to learn about Hestia and Rhea, and pleasantly surprised to see the return of Enzo! Hestia's story felt somewhat normal, just a kid with dreams of playing ball professionally, then the horror strikes and oof—what a stark contrast that was. Then the LORE you reveal through Enzo, and what that implies happened, oh my gosh...Let's get into the details.

Plot and Pacing: Fantastic! This was a solid opener—we get perspectives from characters new and familiar alike. I like how it wasn't too abrupt of a cliffhanger, like you left it off just as the sky turned red, yet answered one devastating question with essentially another question—if Radio's first attacks were in that dimension, on Earth, so long ago, what is it gonna look like now? What will Hestia look like now? ooo...I also really enjoyed the semi-closure we got for Enzo, considering where his storyline ended.

Descriptions and Setting: Great! I mean, no complaints here. I would especially highlight the setting details in Enzo's part of the story, with details like battered glitches and how he stands in such stark contrast to them. Likewise, hitting us with the red sky, and all the hell that followed at the end of Hestia's part? Brutal.

Characterization: Poor Hestia. Poor Enzo. Both characters feel like they're in a position where they just don't fit in. Assuming they will meet up inevitably, I wonder if that will become something that drives a bond between them—or something that just becomes more of a challenge for their respective characters. I was surprised at how Nova was able to move on, but his logic is sound, and it does fit his character as he always gave off a more wizened sort of vibe. Hopefully that can likewise inspire Enzo to move on...

Grammar and Wording: Overarchingly? No complaints!

Where The Dagger Points
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations


Not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…

She had fallen off the monkey bars and sprained her leg as a toddler, and Rhea took the opportunity to use her own power to heal Hestia to stop her from crying too loud in public. From that moment, every time Hestia scraped her knee, fell off her bike, or had a hangnail, she healed herself quickly.

“...For my project, I decided to do my grandmother, Terra Lorenz.”

There was a pretty slide with appropriate transitions that flipped to the next slide of her presentation.


Nothing wrong with either of these scenes, both were great! I just felt like maybe the transition between them was a little bit abrupt? Like we get sucked into Hestia's exposition, think this dialogue is going to be maybe someone interrupting her train of thought, only to abruptly realize "oh, we're back in class now." It's by no means the end of the world, you still get what's going on, but maybe a little transitional bit describing her leaving the bathroom and setting up for her presentation would help this come off as less jarring?

But of course, that is only my opinion! That's all, great writing job ~

Why The Grin Widened
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts


No theories yet, as it is a bit early. Except, well, something tells me that Radio is gonna be a major figure, if not the primary antagonist in this story, which I am very much looking forward to, given she's one of the villains I have enjoyed the most in this universe (they're all great—I just inherently play favorites lol).

Anyway, highlights and reactions! I have many!

Voices rattled across the rolling sand of the baseball field, kicked up by soles of the cleats of the Kingston Wyverns, dashing across home plate! A lone, red-headed girl came up to bat. The scoreboard’s innings had made it to their limit, the score finally tied, last up to bat was Hestia Lorenz.


I love how deceptively normal this feels, seeing a Lorenz just playing ball with the kids. It immediately establishes a new tone for this story, compared to the chaos we normally see, and it drew my interest for that reason—have we moved on, and this is genuinely just a semi-normal version of Earth now, or is something else going on? It's like the quiet part of a horror movie. It seems chill, but you don't trust it! lol.

The one person who made any audible noise was her Mom in the stands, Rhea Lorenz.


Oh snap, RHEA! As in the young daughter we saw, now she has a kid of her own?! It was super cool to be seeing the generations of the Lorenz, passing on like this.

Disgusted at what the Lorenz name brought her, expectation, and not the good kind of expectation where if you don’t do good you’re considered “average”, the black and white expectation that came with her family name.

Terra was hated and loved as a war hero and potential savior, Rhea was hated and loved as a political figure. So what was Hestia?


I love this angle you set up for Hestia's character, because yeah, after everything we've seen, even the reader is gonna be like, "hey, you're the granddaughter of Terra, what do you have to offer?!" (and that made me feel guilty for thinking so XD).

“Hey Hestia! I heard Evelyn put out a hit for you after what happened last week.”


Uh-oh, first rival spotted >.> Although, looking back at this, I guess that whole incident wouldn't even matter anyway, huh? lol

“This isn’t a conversation. She got suspended, and now her parents are pissed. I thought you knew about girls' rules. Girls don’t snitch on other girls!”


Oh GOD, not the freaking clique behavior, I am getting flashbacks to the gaggles in my own schools! XDDD Actually, I hope this doesn't sound like I'm making fun of this part—it inherently makes me kind of giggle, in a sort of satirical way, because you know...so real lol. But it does suck for Hestia here, and god if it isn't realistic/relatable in one way or another.

“That isn’t enough! Next time, you won’t be so lucky!” The girl facing her declared as she delivered a hearty slap across Hestia’s face. Nearly bringing her head to the ground.


OH SNAP! What a nasty girl this is...

(editor's note: this is a commission I got from my friend!)


That art was amazing! Kudos to your friend!

It felt like a callback to the horror movie Hestia had watched last week with her mother. However, it was the height of the day. She turned the TV off, and with it went the static. Hestia stepped back outside.

Only to see a bright red sky. Just like the stories.


OH SH—things are happening! Did NOT expect that, but I freaking love this surprise attack!

She lifted the phoenix necklace that lay under Hestia’s shirt, cradling it in her hands.

“Take this, go to olympus, and run. We need you as far away from here as possible.”


Hmm, necklace noted. I wonder what significance that has, and its connection to Olympus... (00 )

Allowing her to realize what she held in her hand.

It was her mother’s disembodied arm.

Even above the heavens, the red that swallowed all living things engulfed the world. Heaven and Hell along with it.


...No words. Some gore, some cosmic horror, some ominous cliffhanger. Cinema. Written cinema ~

“Fake world. Fake world. I have to go back.” These words repeated over and over again inside of the mind of Enzo Eclipse. For five months, all he could think about is those he left behind, whether or not they were AI, code. Whatever they were.


Man, poor Enzo. Everything that happened to him, no wonder he's in shock. I mean, if I found out someone I loved was just a bunch of 1s and 0s, I don't even know how I'd react.

The second classification was Outcasts, like Enzo’s supervisor, Petra. Outcasts left their dimension by some means. Petra is able to live with her family as if DRU was just a day-job. Enzo was assigned a new title. Insider. A living being that DRU created.


Ooo, I do like learning more about the ranks and dynamics within DRU.

The most recent was a star-shaped necklace that read “STARDUST” on its underside.


Ayyyy, a Sky reference!! Nice easter egg!

Edriel effectively disabled the simulation. Enzo is a failure of an experiment, he wasn’t on the top of the boss’s order list. He wanted an indistinguishable clone of Tempest and Terra Lorenz. We failed at both objectives.”


Oh man, so even if they wanted to put him back under, and Enzo got the chance, he STILL couldn't return. That world of his is not only fake, but dead? That is absolutely brutal.

A familiar man sat across from Enzo and Petra. It was Nova.


WOAH, Nova is still alive?! Cool!

“Who even is Master N? Why does he care so much about me and Nova?” Enzo pried.

“That old geezer is the creator of DRU. He wanted that simulation to shape you into someone you are not. It's as simple as that.”


New lore unlocked, the "geezer" and creator, Master N. Ooo...

Azathoth is known as the blind idiot god. He is the master of all creation, but everything he created is unknown to him. All of reality is merely a part of Azathoth’s dream. When he awakens, all things end. Everything goes black. No warning, no red skies, no Radio. His eyes simply open, and everything ceases. That is what the simulation was like for us. We woke up. Why would the simulation have any reason to exist after that?” Nova explained.


LOVE this! Azathoth was such a great comparison to draw here—I mean, so much of this universe does inherently give that Lovecraftian cosmic horror vibe, so very cool reference.

“We might find some really bad stuff if we go there, you know that, right? Y-062 is where the first Radio attacks happened.”


Ooooo, so it WAS Radio (my thoughts in the moment)! I am so excited to see this place after her attack, I bet it's gonna be gnarly.

Our Mad Thoughts...


Overall, that was an awesome opener, I can't wait to see where you take this story! Nicely done! :D

Thus concludes my review. To leave off, here are some inspiring quotes, courtesy of your resident Poe freak ~

"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."

User avatar
Liminality
Review

Hi there Noah! Lim here with a review.

This sounds like the beginning to an interesting story! There’s definitely a lot of concepts and worldbuilding to unpack here, but from what I gather the story focuses on two main characters: Hestia and Enzo. Hestia’s normal life where she is struggling to make it in baseball is disrupted by some kind of big catastrophe that forces her to escape to Olympus, which might be some kind of alternate dimension related to her family’s powers. Meanwhile, it seems that in this setting, an organisation called the DRU does work across dimensions and for some reason is trying to create a replica of Hestia’s grandmother and another person from the Lorenz family, Tempest. I’m guessing at this point that the DRU exists for Hestia’s dimension as well, or would be able to interact with it, and that they’ll be a major antagonist?

I really liked Rhea’s character! The conversation she and Hestia have in the car felt heartwarming even though Hestia didn’t really buy her advice. By the end of the chapter it looks like Hestia has lost that supportive figure (though perhaps temporarily? I can’t tell yet!) and is going to have to figure this one out on her own, which is a great way to create a sense of risk and tension in the story.

A couple of questions I have for you as the writer are:
1) What role do you think the lines about “the red” play? For instance:

Even above the heavens, the red that swallowed all living things engulfed the world. Heaven and Hell along with it.


Only to see a bright red sky. Just like the stories.
Scorched Earth, red skies, the end.

No warning, no red skies, no Radio.


I gather that the readers are not meant to fully understand them at that point, but the first line I quoted in particular does stick out as being different from the normal, character-centric narration. Is that an intentional departure from Hestia’s point of view? Is it a quote from a prophecy or something which Hestia is remembering?

“I wouldn’t exactly call her a ‘hero’ though.” The young man huffed. Hestia was on the border of tears. She felt like she wanted to vomit as she glided to her desk.

2) This part got me wondering more about Hestia’s relationship with her family heritage. I think it’s complex, but what does that look like in terms of her internal thoughts, especially in this scene? Are there other ways in which she supports the idea of ‘rebellion’?

Another thing I like about this chapter is how you set up Hestia as having a ‘character flaw’. I thought it was interesting how her “snitching” on Evelyn didn’t have to do with her principles but was just a result of her trying to save her own skin. It definitely doesn’t make her seem heroic, and so her struggles with her family’s ‘heroic’ or ‘big’ identity feel like a legitimate and interesting conflict.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this first chapter. There’s definitely quite a lot of information to digest, especially between the two points of view, but I thought the ideas were interesting and the characters’ goals and personalities seemed to drive the story and pull all the info together. I also liked that the information was conveyed through characters going about their lives, interacting and having conflict. As mentioned, I was kind of looking for more of that emotional process for the scene in Hestia’s presentation, so if I were to suggest one thing for a revision it would be to explore the feelings in that scene since they seem important to her arc. Otherwise, I enjoy how this chapter sets up a journey for Hestia and Enzo to go on.



Hope this helps, and keep writing!
-Lim

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the morbid S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - Hestia is the granddaughter of Terra Lorenz, but people don’t really like her. Rhea seems to love her, though. Hestia is sent on some other dimension, Enzo is still missing his old world. What will become of them?

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.

Chocolate Bar - I like how you described Rhea’s love for Hestia. She cares about her daughter and doesn’t want her to feel alone! I also like how Enzo still wants to go back to the simulation, because Emi was the realest thing to him and someone like her isn’t easy to let go of. I felt really bad for Hestia, especially when the girls got mad at her. She didn’t deserve that!

Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely first chapter of this story! I have a feeling that Hestia might be dead, but I could be wrong. Maybe she’s the only survivor. I wonder how Enzo and Hestia will meet, if they do. I’ll be sure to check out the next chapter and…

I wish you a magnificent day/night! ^v^



more fish is always superior to less fish
— Shady