The sun beamed brightly upon me as I dragged my weary feet home; wearing a brown uniform in the blistering summer is not the best of ideas. Today had to be one of the worst days of my life, this time I mean it. I spent three days working on an evaluation of Shakespeare's Midsummers' Night Dream, just for it to fall in to the evil hands of Melissa Grouch. All that girl uses her hands for is picking her next treat to call her own; she must enjoy watching you stare in horror as she slams her prize down onto her desk. I should have known better than to leave my bag unguarded...
After what felt like hours of endless walking, I finally arrived at my house. As I thumbed for my keys my dog, Alfie, ran at the door; his little paws pattered against the woodwork whilst it clicked open. The first thing I did when I entered my home was collapse onto my sofa. Cushions enveloped me in a nest of cotton.
"That's not homework!" my annoying sister, Lillie, complained as she walked out of the kitchen.
"So what are you gonna do about it? I have my rights!" At this comment she screamed with anger.
"Why are you always like this May? You're so horrible to me!" I too felt like screaming, "Now go away or I tell mum!"
I slammed my phone down and glared at her for a second, before stamping upstairs to my room. My bag grabbed uncomfortably at my shoulder as I slipped it onto my bed.
"Maybe some Facebook would cheer me up" I said to myself. Anything to block out the horrible day I was experiencing. It's always like this, everyone pushing me around-telling me what to do. Why cant they just go away, leave me to be myself. A low hum came from my bag. "Who could that be?" I sighed. I unzipped my bag and checked my phone, it was Mum, what could she want?
'I'm stuck in traffic, May, you and your sister can get some food together if you want xx' No way! I would rather starve than talk to her again. Instead, I just deleted the text and threw my phone on my bed.
I jumped onto my chair and eagerly turned on my desktop. However, what laid on my screen was not my usual home screen, but a series of ones and zeros that danced across their green bed.
A whisper hissed frantically from the centre, words that were not easy to make out leaped into my ears. As an attempt to make them out, I leaned closer to the computer. Suddenly a hand thrust through the screen and wrapped its grimy fingers around my neck. It pulled hard, almost strangling me, and dragged my helpless self into the black hole of ones and zeros.
The area around me was dark, a cold floor froze my fear. Once my eyes adjusted, I could see a faint light in the corner of my eye. Slowly, I turned around. A sight that made the hairs crawl up my neck stood in front of me. The monstrosity's feet oozed with sticky shoe polish that dripped along to my heart beat. It's legs were boney and rotten-riddled with worm like hairs. The thing's chest was open; blood dripped down to the floor and lungs lay lifeless nest to a purple, beating heart. It looked injured, I think, It's face however was different. No skin lay peeling at It's face, not a thing out of place. It's eyes were a ocean blue and blond, healthy hair tricked down.
Whilst It's face was a nicer sight which showed humanity, it was not enough to stop me screaming. A hurt look covered It, before It dissolved into pixels that sprinkled across the air.
"I see you're a bit shaken." A lady's voice called from all around, "Welcome to The Code." Footsteps approached from behind before a pale hand clasped my shoulder.
"Who are you?" I asked nervously.
"I'm Jasmine, the one who brought you here." A smile spread across her face.
"You brought me here! Why? What the hell is this place?" So many questions.
A warm chuckle came in response, "All in good time my friend, all in good time." She started to walk off, urging me to follow her. "In fact all you need to know is that you are in The Code and things will soon be revealed if you follow me." We approached two doors named '1' and '2'. She turned around and looked at me, a lot more serious than before. "If you choose '1' then we tell you everything and you will be given a set task. But, if you choose '2', then you will be left alone to figure it all out for yourself and you will not get any help what-so ever."
"Wow." I thought to my self, "What the hell do I do?"
End of chapter
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140,752 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
wow, okay so once again you have my attention in your book......thumbs up. Not a lot of people know this but writing is an art and Ms. CreAtivity whenever you put that pen to paper you draw a magnificent picture. Love this story and would like to read more. In my opinion though I think door one would be the best offer.
Cannot wait to read more
Once again, thank you so much!
*gives thumbs up*
Great job revising! 
-SnazzyPencil
This has been updated to an improved version based on your comments
Hey there godlypopo! I'm Alex and I'm here to review your work!
I love the concept of this whole story! I haven't really heard of anything about someone getting stuck in a computer (well except maybe the matrix or something). I'm interested to see where you go with this but at the same time this chapter does need some more polishing up I think.
Right now the chapter seems a little to rushed and, albeit, is very short. It's important in writing to bulk up your chapters to make it more interesting to read and to really flesh out the story. Right now it feels a bit too much of going point to point in the story and, before you know it, the main character is already in the computer. I, as the reader, want to know more about the character and her life instead of rushing into the story just 100 words into it!
That's my main point to improve, flesh it out a bit!
Here is some more nitpicks:
1)
I'm not so sure if brackets are really needed here. If you wanted to be all fine and fancy you could chuck a colon there or a semicolon or even a humble full stop. A bracket feels a little bit too sudden and out of place.
2)
"Midsummer night dream" should be capitalized because it is the name of a play. (I agree it is a boring play though.)
I spotted a few more random capitalizations. I won't list them all but here is another:
"Welcome to the code." Should be capitalized. Imagine the dialogue set out like this:
Doesn't that look a bit odd? It should be:
3)
Who where did her sister come from? That's probably what the main character thought but as the reader it feels very odd for her sister to suddenly appear then abruptly disappear again just as quickly as she appeared. I suggest saying how she appeared; a small argument maybe THEN her leaving to make it more obvious that they even had interaction. This goes back to that fleshing out thing again.
4)
Dramatic effect time! This one is just a suggestion but try replacing that comma with a period. I may sound like a teacher here but varying sentence length truly helps in this type of story!
5)
I ain't a fan of this ending really. Cliff hangers are good and all but not barely before they've even walked to the cliff! If I were you I would continue this conversation a bit more!
(Also capitals!
That's all from me! Overall I think this is an interesting concept but I feel like it needs polishing and bulking up first!
Goodbye and welcome to YWS!
-Sushi
Thankyou! I will work on your advise
Oh one more general tip! I dunno if you haven't already or are already an expert on the field but if you are writing about code you may want to talk to someone on the site to do some research or something! :3
I mean, when I did a really old story I had to talk to an A level physicist to ask him about the survival chances of certain events :3
I do a lot of programming in my spare time and I'm doing a GCSE on it at the moment, but thanks! I'll see if I can get someones help :p
Hello!
Really great idea! I can't wait to see what happens next! 
Keep Writing! 
I really love how this starts out! I only have a couple of nitpicks on this...
"(Maybe some Facebook would cheer me up)"
I think maybe it would sound/look a little bit better if you put it like this-
"Maybe some Facebook would cheer me up. I thought."
You could even say-
"'Maybe some Facebook would cheer me up.' I said to myself."
It is just a suggestion though.
I really love the suspenseful ending!
"A lady's voice called from all around, "welcome to the code."
Maybe you could capitalize The and Code, since it is some kind of group/program. You don't have to though, if other readers like it I would just keep it how it is.
-SnazzyPencil
Thanks
Hi there! I'm Eveningstar and I'm here to review your chapter.
The overall concept was interesting, and the ending left me pining for more. I desperately wanted to know what happened next, and this is a very important quality in a novelist, the ability to inspire curiosity and interest in his readers. So good job!
The description of the monstrosity you portrayed was very vivid, giving it a life-like quality. The comment about it looking hurt at the narrator's scream was also hilarious! It was a bit confusing, though. You mentioned that it had a beautiful face, but you never explained in what way it was beautiful. Was it humanoid, beautiful in the way a human face would be considered attractive? Or was it more like an animal or something else completely supernatural? This lack of clarity leaves a confused picture of this creature in my mind, despite your otherwise excellent descriptions. Also, from the way you described it, internal organs lying open and stuff, I got the vague impression that this thing was somehow injured. I may be mistaken, but if so you might want to clarify that a bit more too.
The chapter began in such a mundane, regular kind of way. A scene portraying the everyday experiences of an average teenager, the build-up to the climax of the chapter was very well done! It gave the piece an air of mounting tension and suspense, the perfect formula to get your audience hooked - keep them guessing! The everyday, trivial annoyances of day-to-day life, that nonetheless rile us like hell when we're in the middle of them, was also very realistically described. Good job on that too!
Change that to my annoying sister. The speaker here is an angry teenager frustrated with his crappy day at school and irritated with his sister. He most probably wouldn't be using a pedantic word like 'vexatious' while railing at her in his head!
You can slump against something if you're really tired, but how can you slump upstairs? To go upstairs requires movement. Slumping is defined as : sit, lean, or fall heavily and limply, especially with a bent back. I think what you meant to say here was
Apart from these minor errors, this promises to be a really interesting story, a page-turner. Keep up the good work and keep your readers guessing! You'll write a marvellous novel!
Thanks for the advise!