I'm going to be late. The hands of my mother's watch tick in a slow yet intimidating rotation as that lurk closer to the time. With an angered sigh, I snap my head toward the window to watch the harsh bullets of water smashing against the window - the weather is always like this. Awful. A strong scream, chimes into the silence from behind me, alerting the busy car of the nearing problem; the world comes into focus as a large monster of a wave breaks the barricades and smashes into us. I fall to the ground as I'm propelled off the chair and hit my head on the floor - that's when a silent ringing starts screaming into my ears blocking out all other noise from my surroundings - an iron taste falls across my tongue. I clamber up to the window just in time to see one last wave heading right toward-
* * *
It's so hot outside. My fan is seemingly my new best friend as I claim it for myself - guarding it from my whining brother, Pat. In a huff, he switches the news on and falls back into the new arm chair. The TV flashes and rants on about a large wave that hit the returning London train heading our way. Lucky things. It would be nice to have a bit of rain about now.
Pat switches off the news and takes a long quizzical look at my reaction. "No survivors apparently." He sighs, trying to make small talk. "Poor buggers... You know - what if that happens to us like- you know - on our way to London next week?"
Laughing, I stand up and lean on the back of his chair." Then I will open my arms and embrace it! Can't stand this heat.' He glances up at me with a childish, worried look. "Don't worry it's not gonna happen! You know that." Snickering, I go back to sit down. "We aren't allowed to die anyway. For mum's sake - got it?" Slowly, Pat nods and turns his attention back to the cartoon that he had just flicked to.
Children, like him, don't need to worry about problems like that just yet..
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139,664 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Okay, so this piece definitely brought tears to my eyes. (Really sad what happen to those people on that train.) But you writing style is still exquisite like always. I loved your story, and how you put two stories into one. You are very talented and I can say I love your work and hope you keep on writing.
Thank you once again!
I have to say that I am not sure if you are trying to create a continuous loop of events or if this is like a premonition. Who is the first character introduced? Is it the same as the brother in the next section?
While that is a large chip in this story, your concept and descriptions are very good. The fear that is felt during the first part makes it very realistic and brings a sense of relation to the characters.
I have heard of this exercise in the past and am actually trying it myself. Having people send a random photo for a story to be drawn from. Good job.
Happy Writing!
Hi godlypopo, Felistia here with a review on you short story.
The story: I find the story a little confusing on the whole, especially in the beginning. It might just be me not using my imagination, but I don't know where the character is in the first paragraph and in the second all the way to the last paragraph I don't know if it is the same person speaking as in the first. It was over all a bit confusing.
Descriptions: Your descriptions in here are amazing though. The way you compeer things to other things in the story is perfect, though you don't describe were the characters are enough in my opinion.
Over all I liked it and look forward to more of your work. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Thanks
Hey there,
I quite enjoyed this short little piece- I pondered it for a time, and I have some thoughts I'd like to share about it barring the initial nitpicking and constructive criticism. But for now... Nitpicking and constructive criticism it is!
Description is quite good, although a few of the descriptions seem a little unsupported, for example- "The hands of my mother's watch tick in a slow yet intimidating rotation"
Why is intimidating? Perhaps "foreboding" would fit better. Overall though, descriptions are well done, grammar is on point, and the whole thing is a nice and thoughtful tale. So, onto the more complex opinion about this.
As I finished reading, I initially thought that the first girl and the second were separate. and that the idea of the story was how little we regard events that are, to those victim to them, horrific events. That still holds up when I look back on the story and see that the two girls are the same person. But the story then becomes more of a tragedy, and a lot simpler as a result.
I still greatly enjoyed this, and I'll be looking out closely for more work from you, but just bare in mind, that even in simple stories like this, there can be hidden opportunities to express a greater meaning, that applies to the reader.
Happy Writing!
Thank you ^-^