Tears stained her face, holding whirl pools of sorrows. "Please don't go!" She pleaded, her voice cracking. I pulled her into a tight embrace; brushing my fingers through her brown, silky hair, whispering that it will be all right. I then pulled away and looked into her eyes, they were a watery blue that laid under their glassy bed. "You don't have to do this," she sobbed, "come seek refuge with us in the new mountains. Please. Do it for me... Do it for yourself." My pity was replaced with a hint of shame. I really could stay, with them, but I needed to do this.
"I'm sorry." Thats all I said. No elaborate apology, no reconsideration. Just sorry. "You know I need to go. Like we planned. What happened to the girl I know? The one who loved adventure, who faced fear head on? The one who agreed to this..."
"I didn't know." Her lips started to tremble, "How would I know that they would find us, that they would identify you?"
"I told you that this was the plan! We told each other that I would leave to find it!" I felt like shouting, my voice wanted to increase-blame her for everything. But that would just make everything worse.
"It's just a myth Aaron! Just because our parents said that there was such a weapon, doesn't mean there is!"
"Molly," My voice softened as an attempt to calm her,"they took everything from us... I think that if I can find it we can finally get rid of the dream catchers. Get your brother back." At that a flash of hurt danced across her eyes. Sighing, Molly nodded and dragged her feet away, wiping her tears off her cheek. "Molly, wait!" I called after, "Are you not coming with me?" Such false hope flooded my thoughts.
Slowly, she stepped around. Shaking her head at me. "I'm sorry Aaron, but I need to look after the town. The dream catchers could be back at any minute." That was that. I was left to my self, all alone.
Trembling, I stood there not moving until she disappeared into the warm glow of sunrise in that flowed out through the gap in the mountains. The sunrise shouted silently into my ears, You have eight hours until I go down...Then they come for you. This would have never happened if the dream catchers did not come, if they didn't creep into our minds at night and drag us into a world unthinkable. The rumours started as soon as they came; talking of an untouchable threat, one that could only be killed with the starlight staff. Others said that you were only taken if you saw a magic core of light the night before. But that's only a rumour...
Eight hours was not long. I had to get to the next village and fast. I reached down and took out the instructions in my pocket, the mountain leader had given me. Scrawled in messy handwriting was my first direction; he told me that I would get the next one from the river leader when I entered the village. West. I had to go West until I met the boundaries of the water town. I once heard that the boundary was surrounded by a river that captured all those who try to brake in.
'Shit!' I thought, 'I can't swim... What a great start to my journey!'
(uploading chapter to competition after a few tweaks)
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Lol, you already know I like this story and believe it or not you are becoming my new favorite author. I love the way you put these ideals together and you have a very interesting concept here with this story. I like the way you describe your characters and I can really see them as I read your story. I enjoy your work and will love to read more.
Thank you!
Hi, steampowered here for a review!
This was an intriguing beginning, and I would definitely read more of the story based on this. It feels a bit like I’ve jumped in halfway through the story – is that intentional? However, it doesn’t waste time, and it gets straight to the point. Good job!
Since the chapter’s quite short and there don’t seem to be any holes in the plot so far, I’ll have to resort to the more nitpicky details…
I think this should probably be “Please don’t go!” she pleaded…
I’m not quite sure what this means. Maybe you could rephrase it so it makes more sense?
What’s a magic core of light? I’m slightly confused…
There’s a lot of information in this story, especially with regards to the dream catchers and to Molly’s brother, which I’m very interested to find out more about. However, there’s one thing which slightly confuses me – is this set in our world, or in the dream world?
I loved the ending; it was definitely unexpected, which made me smile. I think this chapter could be made longer; there’s so much you’ve hinted at and haven’t explained, and a lot of backstory that needs to be filled in (such as the mountain leader) What happened before this point? I’m not saying you have to explain everything now, but it’s just something to think about. I have to admit that having been thrown into this world, I’m not entirely sure what’s happened beforehand. But it’s good, it really is, and I’d love to read some more of it! If you upload a second chapter feel free to let me know, and I will definitely review it for you!
PS: Does this need an age rating for language?
Thanks, and oops. I posted this when I was new, I probably didn't know how to set an age rating XD
Howdy @godlypopo! Alex here to review your chapter! Happy gift giving weekend!
I absolutely love some the things you have in this chapter! Although currently the chapter size is small you've really managed to pull in the reader by not telling too much yet such as "who are the Dream catchers?" and "what is this weapon?". You used some pretty good devices as well such as personification in this sentence:
I can feel how pressured the MC feels at the limited time thanks to you saying the sun "shouted". Very nicely done!
Here are some things I think you could improve on:
1)
"The one who loved adventure" but so far she doesn't seem to be all that keen on adventure. The way she doesn't argue back that she is adventurous and instead prefers to stick to what she knows seems to suggest the opposite. In my opinion you could maybe have her insist she is still adventurous or something.
2)
We've already established that the world has changed because of these mysterious dream catchers and you did it in a great way before! This sentence sort of just states the obvious and ruins the effect to had of showing the reader but not telling them. I would suggest removing this line.
3)
Loved the first part of the sentence; thought it gave the MC character and I liked it. But "What a great start to my journey!" seems a bit... cliché and cheesy.
Overall, a great start to the story! I loved the majority of the story and how you described everything in a interesting way through metaphors and such! Keep going!
-Sushi
Thanks x
No problem
Very interesting, and I thought it was descriptive too. And I like how you ended with the cliffhanger. But the question, 'who are the dream catchers?' kept on repeating in my head, and now I want to read more. This story is missing something though, and I can't put my finger on it. I'll let you know when I figure it out.
Ok! Cool! Congrats on your first review
Nice. It's a very intriguing beginning. It's really caught my attention and made me curious to read more. I like how you ending this write sort of as a cliff hanger because it leaves a lot of questions in the reader's mind: Who are the two characters (Aaron and Molly)? What is their objective? Who are the dream catchers? What is their objective? Why do they attack others in their dreams? What is the starlight staff? Is it even real? etc. Very nice job my friend. I look forward to reading more. -IceWinifredd
Thanks!
You're very welcome!
*journey oops