The moon looms high
on this dreary night.
My love for you
is a dwindling fight.
.
What once were stars
are crying eyes.
My trust for you
is now compromised.
.
The wind in my hair
is now long gone.
Like the dreamy sights
you were once from.
.
Well I say goodnight
to you and your will.
And ditch the love
that lies there still.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Lol, so did you just off this poor guy in this poem or am I reading this wrong? Honestly I feel like this is something my mom is going to write if her husband don't get his act together......lmao, but I do love the flow and tension in the poem. It sounds like the women got fed up with the BS and well......now this guy is no longer among the living. Thats just how I look at it and knowing your creative mind you probably meant it that way.
~love your writings and hope to read more
hi there and happy review day! why am I up at midnight reviewing I have a full day tomorrow...-__-
I really think this is a nice poem for starters. Good rhyming scheme and rhythm. Pretty steady.
Just a few personal nitpicks to make it even better:
two phrases
"long gone"
and
"ditch"
pretty modern phrases in the midst of a lovely poem that otherwise has lines like "dwindling flight" and "the moon looms high".
but words like the former I mentioned don't add-- if anything, take away-- from the beauty. I would suggest using a thesaurus or something to find a phrase or different words to work in those spots even more.
But I like the poem otherwise! A good start. Don't be afraid to let your originality shine through your writing, that's what makes it unique and FUN for us to read!
Thanks for bringing writing to the world today~
~iron.n
Hey there! Writer here to give you a review
I'm on a review rampage, hee heeFirst thing I want to say is, your title choice is very interesting. I take it this is a poem about nature? Is the "natural" part of the title referring to nature? If so, "natural" might not fit here, because the word kind of means instinct or what comes easily. If that makes sense. If it's about nature, I'm not 100% sure "natural" works as the title. But don't quote me on that, it's only how I perceived it. Plus, I'm awful with titles, so don't take my word for it XD
Sorry for pulling out a full stanza, but there are a few things I need to talk about here. First off, I'm not too keen on capitalizing every line. For one thing, you are indicating them as sentences with a period at the end, so that really doesn't help the capitalization. I suggest following the regular syntax rules. That way you can spice up your poem, add some variety, and all that jazz. I like the rhyming here! Although the moon looming is a little cliche, if you ask me. Try creating a new image with the moon
Few things here: "What once was stars" should be "What once were stars." Little verb disagreement there. Also, I like how you didn't fully rhyme "eyes" and compromised." It still rhymes, but not entirely
I think "is now long gone" doesn't fit the rest of the poem syllable wise. It just seems to short with the syllable number in the other lines. Perhaps add another syllable to keep consistency? Also, I really don't like the "from" and "gone" as end rhymes. They don't rhyme at all, which breaks consistency. Try to work on that ^^
I think you should use more imagery here. How does she say goodbye? (he or she) Also, you have some stanzas with periods on the 2nd line, and some with commas. I suggest picking one since you're trying to set some pattern here.
I know grammar shouldn't be talked about too much, but it does play a role in literary works ^^ Go through and look and punctuation, syntax, etc., since you seem to have that in here. It's there and needs to be tweaked a little.
I liked the concept of this poem very much! However, I think it could be written better with more imagery and details. It just seems to fall a little flat.
I hoped I helped in anyway! Any questions, let me know.
~Thewriter13
Ok I'll sort that out (The capitalisation is because of my computers autocorrect
Damn Mac) Thanks
Ha ha, glad I was of some help ^.^
Hi there!
So, I like the elegance of this poem, and the way it has a lilting melody. Nice job bringing in the emotion here; I could feel it but I wasn't drowned in it.
But there are a few things I can nitpick here. When you said,
"What once was stars are crying eyes,"
you committed a grammatical error. It should be,
"what once were stars are crying eyes,"
because the "eyes" are plural and you need to use a verb that corresponds with that.
Also:
"Like the dreamy sights
You were once from."
Sounds a bit awkward, and the "from" doesn't rhyme. I was expecting a strong rhyming word there, and instead saw a weak preposition. Even if you wanted to keep the "from," the wording could be changed to make it flow better.
Lastly:
"And ditch the love
That lies there still,"
I think you should replace the word, "ditch." It doesn't match with the elegance in the rest of the poem. It sounds like you used a quick word that conveyed the meaning you wanted, but it's not powerful enough.
Other than that, great poem, keep writing!
~WritingforHim99
thanks