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Suhaag Raat

by gauravkundu32


Note: I've included many Hindi words here in this work to add the Indian feeling. Their meaning is as follows:

Suhaag Raat : It is a significant ritual in the life of a newly wed couple in the Indian subcontinent as it refers to the maiden night after marriage between the husband and wife when they go for Consummation for the first time with acceptance of the society.

Fattu : Slang for coward

Sagai, tilak, gathbandhan, phere : rituals which are part of marriage in Hindu tradition.

Almirah : Wardrobe

Maahaul: Ambiance/ Environment

Kundi: Hasp, Bolt, Latch

Note: This work is free for your own interpretations

Suhaag Raat, the night of which everybody waits for, was also a special one for Abhay. Each of Abhay's friends knew that Abhay was a peace loving, not so much talkative boy and they were waiting eagerly to know about the story of Abhay's Suhaag raat. But they were not aware, at least they had not expected of such Kaand on Suhaag raat of Abhay.

Yeah, that's true. No member of Das family can forget that night...It all began during the summer of 2014, just a year ago. May 22nd was decided for the wedding night of Abhay. Everyone seemed to be happy; after all it was the wedding of the only son of Das Family. Abhay, 25 years old was a simple looking, with no distinct feature than any other average Indian men, had been called, 'fattu' by his friends since his first day of school when he jumped off on watching a dummy cockroach near his leg. Anyway, all rituals like sagai, tilak, gathbandhan, phere etc. were performed with ease. Now it was time for Suhaag raat. Maahaul was already set, bedroom was well decorated with Rajani Gandha flowers and its sweet aromatic scent brought a pleasant experience in the room. Apart from that, a king size bed was bought specially for the couple, just a few days before the wedding and was set in Abhay's room. A big Almirah with a full size mirror mounted on it was facing the bed, swift and cool air from the cooler was providing some relief from the hot and humid environment. And the moment came, Abhay entered the room and closed the kundi just afterwards and stood there for a few seconds looking at the bride. For Abhay, she was looking no less than a princess in red saree who had come from heaven only for him. On the wall, behind the bride, 'ABHAY weds Niharika' was well inscribed by glitters on a heart shaped thermocol. Suddenly the emotions of Abhay changed. He started sweating when he stepped towards the bed. His body was shaking of anxiety. On watching this entire scenario, Niharika started blushing.

"So have you planned to spend the whole night coming towards me," Taunted Niharika. Abhay could not reply because of his full attention had diverted to a glass of milk sitting on the bedside table.

"That's for you, Abhay ji"

"Hmm" was the only words came out of Abhay's mouth. After drinking milk as he sat on the bed, he felt something hard on his butt. As he touched his back pocket, he recalled the moment when he had to keep the packet of condom reluctantly because Ajay, his best friend insisted and said," Bro, don't say no today..."

It was 4 o'clock in the morning when indistinct chatter started coming from Das family. The electricity had been out and a loud, unfamiliar sound had made to wake up everybody in the house. When everyone came and gathered at the aangan, they noticed that Abhay and Niharika were missing. Ajay, who stayed at Das House after Abhay's request on that night, ran towards the bedroom of Abhay. When no reply came back after shouting few times outside the room, Ajay thought that something wrong was there. After 4-5 attempts, he broke the door. Smell of Rajani Gandha was still coming very briskly and the back window of the room was open. Blood had spattered on the floor with broken glass pieces under the table. As Ajay came closer to the bed, his legs froze on the floor. Niharika's neck was brutally split with a glass piece and the glass piece was left in the neck. The eyes of the dead body had turned white and a line blood was coming down her mouth. As Ajay headed towards the door his heart beats stopped. What he saw was gruesome. A body was badly burnt and hanging on the back wall's boundary. It might have burnt when it fell on the boundary wall which had built in electric wires for safety reasons.

One year has been passed. Nobody lives in the house of Das family because it is considered to be haunted . There is a reason for this also. Soon after the death of newly wed couple, the biological parents of Abhay were reported dead which was later declared "homicide" by police . A few days ago, when the uncles and aunts of Abhay planned to leave the house and settle in the nearby town, they died in a road accident. The building has been sealed for police inspection and for CBI inquiry Ajay is called to the main office of CBI. After one hour of inquiry the CBI officer permitted Ajay to go home. In a few days, the officer tried his best to solve the case and wrote what Ajay had told him in different pieces of paper and kept all the pieces on a big cardboard. He starts from the scratch, from the death of the newly wed couple because it was not made clear in the previous investigation. Today the officer started looking at the details and tried to connect the dots.

#1.) Abhay was not allowed to speak frankly in his home.

#2.) Abhay's father never wanted his only son to interact with other boys and girls because he was afraid that, if he plays with other boys he and his career might get spoiled.

#3.) Abhay's mother always instructed his son to stay away from girls in school.

#4.) Abhay avoided to go near women in Melas (public fairs ) because he doubted ( he was told so by his own father as well) every old lady to be Daayan whose main motive is to affect the quality of life of others by black magic.

#5.) Abhay, during his teenage, used to ask Ajay, "Is kissing bad?" "Is the act of sex bad?", "Does your parents also switch to another channel when any kissing scene appears on television?", "If sex is not bad, then why my ma or baba always ignore the question about making love, every time?","My dad scolds me, he even beat me if I sneak peek into his magazines".

In a few hours the officer prepared a rough sketch of what might have happened on that night of wedding. He submitted his file to his senior. According to him, on Suhaag raat, Abhay was very nervous because he had never seen any girl from so close distance. For an instance, he thought that the girl could be also a Daayan, so he planned of nothing but to kill her before she does any harm to him or his family. During drinking milk, his hands were shaking due to anxiety and the glass fell on the floor and broke into pieces. Abhay took one sharp piece and slit the throat of Niharika by keeping his other hand on her mouth so that she could not scream loudly. When Abhay saw the blood he got frightened and tried to escape through the window, but he forgot that behind the back window was the boundary wall with built in electricity. He directly jumped off and fell on the wall which resulted in the burning of the body.


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Wed Jun 17, 2015 2:10 pm
Dreamy wrote a review...



Well, hello there!

Finally here to review your work. I couldn't agree more with previous reviewers. They seem to have covered everything that I had to say, more precisely.
Let's see if I can find anything else. :P

I understand where you come from with this story. I thought this was going to be a humorous one with double-meaning one liners. Oh, silly me. >.> You really did surprise me with the story-line. I applaud you for bringing out what has always worked for you: horror and testing out the skills with a new writing format. The story had an originality, but I will have to say that this isn't your best work.

Every time, we start a new project the ideas, the characters, the format always makes sense and feels like ground-breaking until they are in our heads. Once you pen them out, they're bogus. To avoid that, you should keep going to upstairs a.k.a your head and ask yourself, if this is what you want. Is this how pictured it? If the answer is no, you know what to do.

The story lacked character development, so we didn't get to understand the MC— you didn't show us the MC, which in turn resulted in feeling no sympathy for his act. I'm sure you didn't want us to feel that way, did you?

The story feels like it's still in the working stage. I'm sure I told you this many times in my reviews your work. You get an idea and you simply pen it out. You are not elaborating on it. Why, though? D:

Today the officer started looking at the details and tried to connect the dots.


What follows this, are ideas to broaden you story, but instead you settle on stating them. I would have loved to see these ideas unveil in an interrogation.

I like how you have used the native words to brighten the originality. That was something new and amusing. But,

Abhay entered the room and closed the kundi


Where I come from "Kundi" is a slang, yo! It's a very, very bad word. So, I think you will have to be very careful in using the native language. You don't want to over do it and you definitely don't want your readers to misinterpret or misunderstand what you want to say. xP

Overall, good work on bringing something new but this needs loads of work.

Keep writing! If you want anything, feel free to PM me or post it on my wall.

Cheers! :D




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Tue Jun 16, 2015 9:50 pm
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artybirdy says...



Whew! I didn't expect that at all.

Nobody lives in the house of Das family because it is considered to be "haunted" by the locals.


This sentence means that the local people haunted the house. I'm sure that's not the case. You should rephrase it.

Spoiler! :
If Abhay had killed Niharika, why did his family die? Was he the cause of it? Make that clearer.


Except that, you're doing good.

Well done, and keep writing!






Thank You So much ArtStyx :)





It might be the ghost of Abhay, some supernatural power or just a co-incidence It is completely upto you, how you take it because this work is free for interpretations



ArtStyx says...


No problem!

Ah, I understand. Thanks for telling me. :)



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Tue Jun 09, 2015 6:00 am
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Dragongirl wrote a review...



Dragongirl here to review as requested!

So the first thing I want to ask: was this story translated from a language other than English? It is just the way that you use words that makes me wonder. However I may be misjudging as I know you did want to give this a more Indian feel.

I liked that you include some cultural traditions in this. It gave this story a certain uniqueness that I found pleasant.

I did notice a few spots that could use some work

But they were not aware, at least they had not expected of such Kaand on Suhaag raat of Abhay.


This sentence is confusing enough as it is but throwing in the word Kaand makes it even more difficult to understand. Especially as there is no mention as to what Kaand means.

Yeah, that's true. No member of Das family can forget that night...It all began during the summer, just a year ago.


Yeah is a very casual word to use here. Also you say that it began just a year ago. It is okay to say something began a year ago but normally when you are writing in first person. You are writing this story in third person so it sounds a little strange. A year ago from when? is what your readers will wonder.

Abhay could not reply because of his full attention on the glass of milk.


I don't know where the glass of milk came from. There is no mention of it in the story earlier on and it's appearance is simple bizarre. Is it a Indian tradition? If the glass of milk has to be in this story perhaps let the reader know why it is there in the first place.

As weird as the glass of milk seems, if it must be there don't simply make it appear. Make it part of the scenery, for example;

his full attention diverted to a glass of milk sitting on the bedside table.

After drinking milk as he sat on the bed, he felt something hard on his butts.


Most of us only have one butt. :) We have butt cheeks, buns, but only one butt.

When no reply came back after shouting few times outside the room, Ajay doubted that something wrong was there.


I think you got a bit mixed up here. If Ajay doubted that something was wrong than he wouldn't have tried to break down the door. Doubt means he disbelieves anything to be wrong. You want to say the opposite of doubt.

I am sorry if I was too harsh with my review but I would strongly suggest editing this piece a bit better.

I did like your twist ending. Very good hook. Nice way reel the reader in.

Have a great day and keep writing.

DG






Thank you so much Dragongirl for this review. Yes, glass of milk is a symbol of Suhaag Raat in Indian tradition and I haven't translated it from other language. I wrote this short story especially for the Indian readers and that is why I included words like Kaand which has no specific word in English. By the way, thanks again, you really helped me :)



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Mon May 25, 2015 9:19 pm
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artybirdy wrote a review...



This definitely gave me a surprise. When I read the title, I was expecting it to be a romantic story of a new married couple and the awkwardness they are likely feel. I don’t think I have ever read about a murder mystery on a ‘suhaag raat’ and, thus, I’d like to applaud your originality!

However, as I read through, I noticed a couple of things you can improve on.

1. You rushed the details and *told* us the story, rather than *showing* it to us. For example, you mentioned that Abhay’s a peaceful, no so much talkative boy. Instead of *telling* us that, you could have said: as the excited chatters and laughter erupted among his friends, ripping through the silence of the night, Abhay fiddled with his fingers, lost in his own thoughts.

Not a good example, but do you see my point?

2. You could have prolonged the suspense and tension in the second last paragraph. Upon discovering Abhay and Niharika’s dead bodies, Ajay must be horrified or even distressed. So, *show* us that.

3. I noticed that you seemed to change tenses a lot, i.e. from past to present and vice versa. I’d advise you to proof read to avoid obvious mistakes/errors.

4. I felt that the questions at the end served no purpose. The reader has them in their minds anyway, so they are not needed. It’s quite amateurish to add them in.

Over all, good attempt! Indeed, your idea was strong, but it requires better execution.

Good luck, and keep writing. :)




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Sat May 23, 2015 10:04 pm
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Mea wrote a review...



Thanks for requesting a review! Now let's get down to business.

This is an interesting start. I enjoy reading about other cultures (I'm American) so this is interesting for me. Something to keep in mind, since you are from India yourself (this applies to all nationalities, though) that people reading your story may not be from India and may not understand Indian culture. You do a pretty good job of explaining here, but still be aware of that.

You asked me to review on grammar, but as far as the actual rules go, it's pretty good. You don't have many grammar errors, mostly just confusing writing, which I will address. Overall, the story is rushed and confusing. You need to split up your second and sixth paragraphs. So much happens in them that they become confusing.

Don't be afraid to linger. One of the major problems with this story is that you don't give us time to absorb anything. Don't tell us that Abhay was a peaceful, gentle boy, show it in the way he treats his dog (or any animal) gently or how he speaks softly even when provoked. Spend some time showing Abhay in his normal, peaceful state, then we will understand that something has gone wrong when he seemingly turns violent.

Your first paragraph is really confusing. It seems like there's supposed to be a narrator telling Abhay's friends what happened, but it's disjointed and awkward.

But they were not aware, at least they had not expected of such Kaand on Suhaag raat of Abhay.

It's mostly this sentence that is confusing. What is Kaand? If we knew that, everything would be clearer.

I'm going to basically revise your second paragraph for you, to show you what I mean by lingering, and hopefully to show you where you have confusing writing.

Original paragraph:
Yeah, that's true. No member of Das family can forget that night...It all began during the summer, just a year ago. May 22nd was decided for the wedding night of Abhay. Everyone seemed to be happy; after all it was the wedding of the only son of Das Family. Abhay, 25 years old was a simple looking, with no distinct feature than other average Indian men, had been called, 'fattu' by his friends since his first day of school when he jumped off on watching a dummy cockroach near his leg. Anyway, all rituals like sagai, tilak, gathbandhan, phere etc. were performed with ease. Now it was time for Suhaag raat. Maahaul was already set, bedroom was well decorated with Rajani Gandha flowers and its sweet aromatic scent brought a pleasant experience in the room. Apart from that, a king size bed was bought specially for the couple, just a few days before the wedding and was set in Abhay's room. A big Almirah with a full size mirror mounted on it was facing the bed, swift and cool air from the cooler was providing some relief from the hot and humid environment. And the moment came, Abhay entered the room and closed the kundi just afterwards and stood there for a few seconds looking at the bride. For Abhay, she was looking no less than a princess in red dress who had come from heaven only for him. On the wall, behind the bride, 'ABHAY weds Niharika' was well inscribed by glitters on a heart shaped thermocol. Suddenly the emotions of Abhay changed. He started sweating when he stepped towards the bed. His body was shaking of anxiety. On watching this entire scenario, Niharika started blushing.


New paragraph, with commentary:
No member of Das family can forget that night.

It all began during the summer, just a year ago. Abhay, the only son of the Das family, was getting married. At twenty-five years old, Abhay was plain, with no distinct features. He had been called fattu by his friends since his first day of school, when a dummy cockroach on his leg caught him by surprise.

The other marriage rituals had been completed with ease. Now it was time for Suhaag Raat. Maahaul (Who/what is Maahaul?) was already set, bedroom was well decorated with Rajani Gandha flowers, and its sweet scent brought a pleasant air to the room. A king size bed had been bought for the couple a few days before the wedding and stood in Abhay's room, large and inviting. A big Almirah with a full size mirror mounted on it faced the bed, while air from the cooler provided some relief from the hot and humid environment. The moment came.

Abhay entered the room and closed the kundi behind him. He stood there for a few seconds just looking at the bride. She looked like a princess in red dress who had come from heaven only for him. On the wall, behind the bride, 'ABHAY weds Niharika' was well inscribed by glitters on a heart shaped thermocol. (What's a thermocol?)

Suddenly the emotions of Abhay changed. He started sweating when he stepped towards the bed. His body was shaking from anxiety. On watching this entire scenario, Niharika started blushing. (Why did his emotions change? This doesn't make sense. Also, why would Niharika act this way when he's so obviously uncomfortable? Elaborate please.)


You should do a similar thing for the sixth paragraph, splitting it up and elaborating.

Also, the questions at the end are unnecessary. If you set up the story properly, these questions should occur to the reader without prompting, and with them it sounds gimmicky and fake.

I don't think I've been very helpful, and for that I'm sorry. I'm not really sure how to approach this story, especially when you wanted help on grammar, but structure, pacing, and content is what really needs work. I hope I've helped a bit, and thanks again for requesting the review. I'm sorry if I sound really harsh.

Good luck with your story!




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Thu May 21, 2015 6:04 pm
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KatGirl wrote a review...



It has potential, but that's pretty much all I can say. This is quite short and has a good handful of grammatical mistakes, which could be repelling a lot of readers. The second paragraph seemed way too clumped together. Try to split that one in half.

"Many questions were still unanswered. What could have actually happened ? Did anyone try to breach the security after killing Niharika, if that is the case how did he manage to get inside ? Where was Abhay at that moment ? Was that Abhay's body which was hanging after getting burnt ? Did Abhay kill Niharika, if that is the case, why did he do it afteral he was a peace loving boy during his whole life time till date?"

I suggest not putting the question marks that far away from the actual text. It just makes the paragraph look odd.

" That's for you, Abhay ji"
Again with the odd spacing.

"So have you planned to spend the whole night coming towards me" Taunted Niharika. Abhay could not reply back when his eyes went on the glass full of milk.

All dialogue should have an ending inside of it, such as a period, comma, question, or exclamation mark:
Exclamation for happy/excited,
Period for an ordinary sentence,
Commas only for the beginning of the first part of a dialogue.
Questions for when a character is asking something.
Also, your eyes cannot "went on the glass of milk". Instead, use a word like "darted" The sentence should be: Abhay could not reply because of his full attention on the glass of milk. Or something like that.

if that is the case, why did he do it afteral he was a peace loving boy during his whole life time till date?

"Afteral" is not a word, so I am assuming you meant to say after all.




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Thu May 21, 2015 2:50 pm
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MaheenYasmeen22 wrote a review...



Hello..
First of all, I know that you have issues with English Language, so on that note, 'well done here'.


Secondly, I see there are no comments or reviews here, so in order to attract more people towards your story , you obviously would have to make it more interesting. Include more mature vocabulary in your writing. Look for the spelling errors above. No matter how good a story is, if there are grammatical or spelling errors in it, it won't appeal much to the people.


Thirdly, there are lines here which would fly over the head of the person who doesn't know Hindi or Urdu, at least. Of course, then people won't get it and when they don't get it, how would they appreciate it? You could have provided a short description of the main terms used above, enclosed in parenthesis of course.


Lastly, overall a nice idea. I appreciate your efforts. Keep writing to improve! :)





If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.
— Jane Austen