Note:- contains mature theme and strong language
"What happened? What're you saying?" cried Henry.
"I can't cheat Philip behind his back..." said Mary after a pause.
"You're not cheating anybody. It's just kind of revenge in a positive manner." Henry tried to persuade Mary.
"I don't know what're you saying?"
"Look, here at my face. Philip did injustice to you, didn't he? Now you're free, dear. You deserve full enjoyment." exclaimed Henry.
"Hum, y...yes I think you're right..." replied back Mary wiping her eyes full of tears.
"So what're we waiting for? Ha-ha, let's do it. "Said Henry and giggled.
"Um but...if someone comes here then?" Asked Mary.
Henry was trying his best to convince Mary. He tapped Mary's shoulder once and said," Don't worry dear. Nobody comes here. Believe me."
Henry took off his shirt and came closer to Mary in order to kiss. After few minutes both were half naked, both were wearing their underwear only.
"You don't know how much excited am I; this is my first time you know?" Said Henry and gasped.
"You don't know how much nervous am I..." thought Mary.
As Henry came closer Mary felt a shock in her head. Some words stroke her head which were told to her sometime back.
Whatever you see with your eyes is not always right. One has to keep faith in his partner in a relationship as there is no place of doubt in a relationship.
"Wait a second..." Retorted Mary.
"Now what happened!" Said Henry.
"I...I need to go to toilet."
"
What! What the heck! "Thought Henry.
"Really, are you serious?"
"Y...Yes, oops Sorry Henry but shh! I need to go to toilet right now."
"
Damn! Shit! Now where can we find a place for your ..." cried Henry.
"Don't Worry when we were coming here I remember a place full of garbage. I think I can go there and..."
"Are you sure? Don't you think you'd be caught if you go there?"
"Nope, it's very near. I assure you that I'll come back in a minute." interrupted Mary.
"If you're insisting then... hey, if you say I can accompany you to that place."
"Nope. I mean it's okay. Why would you bother? Just remain here. After all we've many things to do now, isn't it? I'll be back soon." smiled Mary and stood up to go. She put on all her cloths as fast as she could.
"Don't go too far. You might get caught. Okay?" said Henry and expressed his care for Mary.
"Yeah, don't worry." said Mary and came outside the room.
When Mary came out of the room, the pungent smell started coming again, making her feel uncomfortable. She pinched her nose and moved towards the dark tunnel. Her footsteps were moving faster but with care so that they would not produce audible sound.
"Damn it! This door is closed." cried Mary in her low voice.
Spinning frantically about in the pitch darkness she suddenly felt a sickening feeling in her stomach. She couldn't move. Slowly she moved her hands down to her stomach, finally finding the source of the sudden pain blossoming inside her. It was the rod. She'd run right into it. With a gasp she jerked it out of her body. She could not make heavy noise so she tried her best to control her pain. She fell down on the ground but gathered all her strength and moved to another direction.
After few minutes of struggle she saw some light. She felt like, ah at last I am out of the hell but she was not aware that something worse than hell was waiting for her welcome.
She could see some people moving here and there randomly (they were looking like nurse and guards from their outfit). She continued dragging her body and when came under bright light one guard noticed her. Mary shouted in her low voice, "Help, Help ".That guard ran and came near. He said, "Ma'am, are you okay?"
"Agh ...Can I make a call to Superintendent Robinson?" said Mary and she went to unconscious state thereafter.
"Nurse! Sister! Here, yes here, please come fast." shouted that guard and after a few seconds many people came there after listening to the voice of the guard. They put Mary's body on that moving bed. One doctor recognized Mary and asked the guard, "Did she say something before going to this state?"
"Yes sir, she was requesting to call Superintendent Robinson."
"Anything else she said, do you remember?"
"No, she didn't"
"Okay move her fast to ICU. Her stomach is bleeding badly, seems like something entered piercing her stomach." Said that doctor and those helping guards moved the bed to the ICU.
Soon, the red bulb outside the ICU room glowed.
"Doc, you're here?" Asked the guard to the doctor.
"Yeah, why?" replied the doctor.
"Who's there at ICU?"
"Oh, I sent my colleague. I have many works to do now. You're the eye witness of Mary and listened to her statement first so you have to come with me. I have some works for you also."
Both started walking towards the cabin of the doctor.
"Do you know about this lady sir?" asked the guard.
"I guess you're new here, right?"
"No sir, I went to my village for some purpose and came for duty today only", replied back that guard.
"Oh I see, actually this lady was missing from this hospital and one another guy was also with her. Robinson sir has strictly instructed the whole hospital that if anyone gets any news about her, must inform CBI as soon as possible."
"Oh I got it, so are you going to make phone call to Robinson sir?"
"You're smart dude", smiled the doctor and dialed a number when they entered his cabin.
"Hello, this is Dr. Raj from Orchid Hospital Dreamland, may I speak to Superintendent Robinson please. It's urgent." said the doctor.
After waiting for few seconds. A voice came from the other side of the phone.
"Yes doctor anything new have you got to say?"
"There's a good news sir. We've found Mary but I don't understand why she wanted to talk to you, sir ?" said Dr. Raj.
"Mind Blowing news! where's that vixen now , can you give phone to her ?"
"I am sorry Sir, she..." Dr. Raj told the whole story to Robinson.
"Bloody Shit! okay keep an eye on her and give me minute by minute update of her health status. I'll reach there anytime"
"Sure Sir, we'll be waiting for your arrival." Said the doctor and the phone got disconnected.
Dr. Raj informed everyone to be alert and said the guard to wait outside his cabin till Robinson comes. After few minutes a chubby figure was in front of Dr. Raj. Dr. Raj called that guard and when he came saluted Robinson. Robinson wanted to listen the whole story from the mouth of that guard so he asked the guard to tell the tale quickly but in detail. Robinson recorded the statement and gazed at the guard.
" Didn't she mention the name of Henry a single time?" Asked Robinson to the guard but got interrupted by Dr. Raj.
"Sir, I asked him the same question but...?"
"Did I ask you ?" shouted Robinson.
"Sorry sir." Said Dr. Raj and out his head down.
"I don't understand why ass holes like you try to become over smart in front of officers. I don't like morons interrupting in between my conversation, got my point?" Said Robinson, widened his eyes and gasped after saying.
"I'm sorry Sir."
"You better be, doc. So where I was. Oh yeah, I was saying, did she say anything about Henry like where he is ?" asked Robinson to the guard.
When the guard saw the doctor getting scolded, he gulped with fear. He replied to Robinson's question with trembling voice, "n...no sir she didn't utter a single word rega...regarding this topic. Whatever she said I repeated it back to you ju...just now."
"Okay, fine. I have my own way to find that rascal" said Robinson and went away.
As I've only read chapter 5, I'm a little fuzzy on the setting. I'm interested, so I may go back and read the other chapters later.
Now the paragraph really stands out. The best writer is one who can go back and improve on their work. ;D
You asked me about pacing, so I'll start with that. Since I haven't read the other chapters, I can't say anything about them. However, pacing is all about what happens. So what happened in this piece?
Henry and Mary -> Mary gets hurt -> Robinson shows up
In some books, that list might be pages long. However, this chapter used a lot of dialogue between characters. When people talk, there's often a lot of wasted words, so chapters with dialogue tend to move slower.
A writer can only go on so long with epic events, quick plot twists, and fast writing. Eventually it gets stale, and the reader gets tired, so slow pacing isn't a bad thing. Really, it only matters that the whole thing (the other chapters) isn't slow. BlackNether liked the pacing, it sounds like. So you are probably right on target.
It looks like you really improved on the paragraph where Mary gets hit with the rod. Originally, based on BlackNethers' quote, you basically just said "Oh yeah, she got hit by a rod. It hurt."
So now, it looks like you have the pacing right, along with improved writing. You still, however, have many mechanical errors, like grammar and spelling. I'm not a grammar expert, but I will try my best.
Read below the spoiler for my final comments before reading the spoiler, please.
Spoiler
You mean clothes, I think.
"They" says that you are talking about a group of people. "Looking like nurse and guards" says that the group of people consists of one nurse and many guards. "their outfit" says that all the people in the group all share the same outfit. I'm guessing you meant:
"they were looking like nurses and guards from their outfits"
I'm not 100% sure about the last part, "their outfits," being plural. I think that if "outfits" is plural, it implies that they each have their own outfit, whether or not it's the same (and the nurses probably have different outfits, I'm guessing).
"For some purpose" sounds weird. The guard would know why he went to his village. If he didn't I wouldn't hire him! As for the story, why he went is probably completely unimportant. I would just remove that phrase. I think there should also be a comma between today and only. Only is "extra information," a specific detail added onto the sentence for clarification. Things like this generally have a comma around them. I would write the sentence like this:
"No sir, I went to my village and came for duty today, only."
I think by "that moving bed," you mean a stretcher. Also, use "that" only once the object has been brought up. If they are just bringing any random stretcher, not a specific one previously mentioned, you can use "a," like "They put Mary's body on a trolley."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stretcher
By works, I think you mean jobs. The difference is kind of confusing when I have to think about it, but when you want to use work in the plural form, use jobs. Otherwise, the word job and work is interchangeable. Works could also mean something you have made, like I have posted many works on YWS. But when you are not making anything, only doing something, jobs is a better choice.
With quotation marks, I reccomend having any fiction book next to you while writing. Nobody ever taught me so I pretty much had to figure it all out by myself. There's all kinds of commas and things that don't make sense that are supposed to be there.
For example, anytime someone stops speaking with a period, use a comma if you are going to add anything extra as the narrator. The above should be:
"You deserve full enjoyment," exclaimed Henry.
You could also use:
"You deserve full enjoyment."
When the sentence ends in anything else, like "..." or "?", you never use a comma:
"Um but...if someone comes here then?" Asked Mary.
The ? is correct here, but just like with "exclaimed", "Asked" should not be capitalized.
I suggested a lot of grammar changes in the spoiler. As I said above, I am interested. When I get the chance, I want to go back and read your other chapters. After I do that, I can give you a deeper review of the actual plot, pacing, setting, themes, and characters. But right now, after not understanding a lot of the plot, it's hard to say anything really meaningful, other than petty mistakes like grammar. Grammar is only important in the final work, but in the beginning it's always the ideas that matter most.
Let me know if you want me to keep doing the grammar nitpicking, otherwise I'll just focus on elements of the story.
The most important thing I've seen is that you've edited your story since you've first posted it. That is an amazing quality, and very hard for many writers. If you keep doing that, you will improve so much faster. Save your old work, too, if you can, because then you can always see how much you improve.
Grammar and spelling are things that can be improved with just reading. Style, creativity, and form can only be improved with writing.
Keep reading, keep writing,
--SK15
PS: I won't make promises, so no telling if and when I'll get your pieces. I will try my best, however!
I think it has a real great plot and spelling, but your grammar isn't your best work. I found a lot of errors. One of them being from this sentence 'Whatever you see with your eyes is not always right. One has to keep faith in his partner in a relationship as there is no place of doubt in a relationship.' Mary is a girl isn't she, and there are 4 other things I noticed but I'm not gonna sit here and chew YOU out while I eat doughnuts. Over all its a pretty good story just, next time check your grammar. Keep writing!
-Krystal6
Hey Gaurav, Black here for a Review Day review! (BTW -really enjoying this book/ story, a lot. I wanna know more
)
Thus I think I'll only be covering your grammar and spelling problems! (That means this is going to be a quite short review!)
All right! First off: Nice work. Your action was really nice, your dialogue was good and to the point, your style was good for this type of thing, you really seem to have a hand on originality (an important thing to me -shows me what kind of a writer you are), and, also very important, you have a plot! Plot is the top level of your story, it's the organization and the drive! And, well, you have it!
However, you do have problems, a number of them. Seeing as I have not read the rest of this story and am really, really, really tired of writing top-notch reviews tonight, I have decided that I am going to have to be content with dealing with only your low level problems on this review
Okay, so I'll only be covering your Grammar and Spelling! I'll be giving you some examples of your problems, and then I'm going to be giving you some base-level fixes, then I'll wind up with giving you a few more general solutions to your overall problem. So, time to get started! Here goes!
This makes absolutely no sense. Reading it in context I can assume that you mean 'I can't cheat Phillip behind his back. . . .'. This makes no sense: REPHRASE!
Uh, okay, first off, you need a comma after your 'hum', and the sentence with 'Mary wiping her tears' doesn't make sense. Maybe her eyes, but not her tears. Maybe tears in context, but not like this. Also, guys don't giggle. They chuckle, they laugh, they roar, they grunt, and they smirk. But they DO NOT GIGGLE! XD
Isn't 'Mary' a girl? Also, seeing as this is a sort of monologue type thing, you should put this sentence in italics, not bolds.
Okay, this paragraph isn't violently worded the way it should be. She just got jabbed in the stomach (mind you she would have had to hit it HARD to get stuck anything serious), and you have to show what she's thinking and feeling through your wording and her actions. Don't say 'As she turned around, she could not see the iron rod in the darkness and got hurt in her stomach by the rod'. You go 'Spinning frantically about in the pitch darkness she suddenly felt a sickening feeling in her stomach. She couldn't move. Slowly she moved her hands down to her stomach, finally finding the source of the sudden pain blossoming inside her. It was the rod. She'd run right into it. With a gasp she jerked it out of her body' . . . more emotional words + violent actions= More interesting story.
Uh, okay, just so you know, you always italicize monologue (thoughts). It's kind of a general rule. Remember what I said about more emotional wording too! And actions! Also, the last part of this sentence is hard to understand. Something like 'but she did not know that something worse than hell was waiting to welcome her'. It would make more sense.
Okay, so I have to get going here. Good job though! I enjoyed this piece! <3 A lot! You have a great style, a great pace, and a great story idea! I love it! I advise you to practice writing a lot, it'll help you improve your grammar and spelling. Practice DOES make perfect! Anyway! Good work, and remember: KEEP WRITING - You WILL improve if you do!
~Black~
I giggle e.e
Are you stalking me O.o