Note:- The writer has no intention to hurt the feelings of any Religion, person or anything. Although This work contains Religious theme, it has nothing do with any Religious groups,communities, books or any person.This is completely based on fiction and resemblence to any person, place etc. is purely co-incidence.
"How do I believe that you're God ?", asked Mary.
"Mary, do thee know how thee came here?"
"Um y...yes I do remember. Philip was coming towards me with a knife and I took in all pills at once... Heck yeah, I must be dreaming now."
Mary continued," This must be a lucid dream. How many times I tried and waited for this moment..."
"No Mary, thou are not dreaming. Can thou see this place? Look carefully." Said the Sphere of Light and disappeared.
Mary started looking here and there. She was in the middle of clouds. It was like a beautiful garden floating on clouds. White Clouds. It was surreal. She could fly, loiter or do whatever she wished to. There was nobody to disturb or say against her. She felt lighter than before. After a few minutes of wandering, the sphere of Light re-appeared.
"So Mary, do thee still think that this is a dream"
"I doubt... but...um are you speaking the truth?"
"I never lie to anybody. Dear, I have something for you. Let's come and see..." said the Light and started moving. After a few seconds they were at a place where small sphere of lights were roving.
"Look at thyself. You're one of them."
Mary started looking at her body and she felt shocked when saw own self similar to those small spheres radiating lights. She had no definite or solid body.
"Thee are a soul and you're immortal. Thee are a part of me. I sent you to Earth to experience life of Human and learn lessons. I am not happy with thou deed though."
"Why so Lord, What have I done?" Mary asked with surprise. She continued saying," Are you not happy to see your daughter..."
"I see thee everyday Mary, every time thee are in front of my eyes. I am omnipotent. Do thee know that thee have made a serious crime."
"I and crime? No way. I cannot. Huh, It is Phil who..."
"No, my dear daughter. It's THEE who committed suicide and not Philip. Thee have a lot of potential. I have given special qualities to everyone. No one is inferior to anybody. Do thee know that those people who commit suicide are not brave? Life has many treasures and one needs to explore life in order to get happiness. If today you are in a bad situation it means that there is something to learn from it. Thee should not quit. I reward only those people who fight against their problems."
Mary did not utter any word.
"If thee think that by quitting thee will get relaxation. Thee are wrong. So my dear daughter never quit. I help those who help themselves. I give you a second chance Mary. Philip needs you. He loves you. One more thing thee should always remember. There is no place for doubt, FEAR and jealousy in a relationship. Thee should trust your partner if you truly love him. Thee should also ask him about his problems and try to resolve them. Thee should go now and I hope thee never forget what I told. My blessings are always with thee. "
After a few minutes Marry found herself in a room. As she opened her eyes and flicked her fingers, she heard some voice.
"Doctor, she has come back to conscious state."
A nurse ran towards the door. Marry saw that the place was dimly lit and she felt happy when saw herself in human form again.
"Ah, I am back. Thank you Lord." Said Mary and closed her eyes.
"Are you okay, Ma'am?" A virile voice came again.
Marry found Henry stood beside her. A doctor was also standing but the person sent him outside.
"I think I know you officer, do I?" Asked Mary.
"Yes Ma'am we met at your home that night." Replied back Henry.
"Oh yeah, how can I forget! Officer, I need a favor from you." Said Marry and tried to sit.
Henry came closer and said," Yes Ma'am tell me."
"Please save my Phil, he's innocent and believe me there is something wrong going on."
"I understand ma'am but it is not in my hand. I was his best friend and thus it is my duty to save him but... Do you know ma'am you're in a great danger now. I came here to inform you that the whole CBI department is raising eye on you."
"For what reason officer?"
"You tried to commit suicide and the whole department thinks that you were also involved in the murdering case, along with Philip. They think that you're afraid and scared of getting arrested. Therefore you committed suicide."
"God knows I didn't do that for that reason."
"I trust you but may I know why you did that...I mean suicide?"
"I was scared and felt restless. When I came to know that Phil is a criminal I could not bear the pain..." said Marry and paused.
After few seconds she continued saying," May I know how you get to know that I..."
"Actually that night we came to your house and we were keeping eye on you. This is very confidential but I am telling you because you're my friend's wife."
Henry continued saying," we have special agents who keep eye on people whom we have doubt or we feel suspicious. We unlocked your door after you went outside next morning with your car. Inside house, our squad fitted cameras in every room and in every corner to see every activity of yours. We did not arrest you that night as we had no evidence."
Henry looked around to ensure that no one was overhearing.
He said," When we saw in midnight you taking in some kind of pills and felt unconscious, we reached there and took you to this hospital. Robinson sir wanted to come to interrogate but I convinced him. He's very tough man. He never shows mercy or kindness to anyone. Everyone in the department hates him for his attitude... "Said Henry but got interrupted by Marry.
"Oh I see, did you see Phil in my room?"
"No, we didn't. We saw you crying and then taking pills..."
"I saw Phil there. He..."cried Marry.
"That might be hallucination ma'am. As we know that when we're disturbed then mind plays tricks upon us."
"I too think so. So what's the plan? How can I prove that I am faultless? I am a bit scared now."
"I have no idea. What I know is that, once your husband is proved innocent then only..." Said Henry and gasped.
Hey, Gaurav! Here as requested.
Thou - you (when they're the subject, e.g. thou are called Bob)
Actually, just to let you know, I haven't read the other critiques so I may repeat what has been said already. I won't focus so much on plot and character since this is in the middle of the novel.
I liked the piece - I liked the morals behind the story and I really like the idea of the near-death experience. It was interesting!
Nitpicks
Throughout the chapter, you kept switching between 'Mary' and 'Marry', which makes it confusing as if they were both two people. You also used 'thee' in the place of 'thou' and vice versa:
Spoiler
Thee - you (when they're the object, e.g. The boy hit thee!)
You - You (plural)
Ye - You (plural as well, apparently, although I'm not sure about this)
Thy - your
Thine - yours (can also be used for 'your')
Here, since the dialogue is being followed with a dialogue tag (he/she said), you should replace the full stop with a comma, and remove the capital letter from the S.
Other things
Hm. I have a question - was she in a coma, or had she fainted? For if she was in the latter, normally people don't wake up and start talking as if nothing had happened, despite what's usually portrayed in movies.
Also, I'd quite like to see a little bit of description. She's obviously found herself somewhere unfamiliar so we need to see some of that. You can also try to manipulate the words to reflect her confused mental state by describing it in a way that makes the whole room seem threatening so that we feel that too.
Another thing - I can't judge fully, but the characters don't seem to particularly have any personality. Do they have any particular things they say often, or any particular mannerisms or habits like biting their nails or their lips when they're nervous. I want to know the characters, but at the moment, they aren't that close to being real for me. Make them come alive and write about them as if they were real people you know! (Not make them people you know... but you can use them for inspiration
That's all from me! Hope I helped and if you've got any questions, feel free to ask me.
Bluesy.
Hey thanks for your wonderful review. I'll take care of what you said.
The way this is written just doesn't seem right. Maybe if you used "doth" instead of "do". Also if this is "God" then shouldn't he be up to date on the language changes?
Since no one new I speaking I don't really see why you made this into a new paragraph. It should all continue to stay in one paragraph.
You said "cloud" three times in just this little section. Too repetitive.
It should be "Humans" or "Mankind". There is not one human but many and you have to show that through how God talks.
The way that you take this plot is interesting letting Mary and the reader see Heaven the way you see it. Your mechanics are getting better and the way you write seems less awkward. The only thing is your characters. To me it seems that they have no definite personality and it takes away from the depth of the story. Try to work on that a bit, your descriptions seem to be improving a bit too. Keep up the good work.
Thank you for your kind words. I'll work hard on those things you pointed out.
Sure! Anytime
Hello there!
I like your story, its very interesting however I do see several things you could change.
I think that was a neat idea, of how you described their appearance, but I felt like you kept using the word "thee" maybe you could find another word and substitute it? Like thou, or ye?
Also on the last sentence, instead of just saying "said Henry and gasped." Perhaps you could say "Said Henry only to stop and gasp at the sight before him." Or something like that.
Other than that I enjoyed it, and look forward to reading more!
Hey there! Alliyah is here to review! I agree with lakegirls that it was brave of you to take on a piece with some religious notes and addressing suicide. While in my opinion the olde-English Language is a little distracting, it does help character identification.
Overall, really interesting ideas, and your main character is developing well. Thanks for posting, you have a great start to a story!
I like the details describing the souls with no body, cool idea.
Make sure to remain consistent in the olde-language use. In this sentence: "It's THEE who committed suicide and not Philip." I'd take out all the contractions and change to "It is" and I feel like italics would be more effective than the all caps.
Some other problems were you changed the spelling of 'Mary'/'Marry' in a few sentences. In this sentence: " They think that you're afraid and scared of getting arrested." Be careful to avoid redundancy, scared and afraid mean the exact same thing so no need to use both.
A few parts in the dialogue are a bit awkward as well, something that normally works well is try reading character by character out-loud, and determine whether a person would actually say it that way.
~alliyah~
I really liked this story a lot! It grabbed my interest right from the beginning and I didn't even break from it until the end.
I'll definitely be keeping my eye out for chapter 4!
I like the risk you took in writing this!
Keep up the amazing work
-Nicole
Thanks a lot for your review.
Well then... interesting idea here but I don't personally think this is a good topic to write on because you want to appeal to an audience and many people would have quit reading when they read "Do thee know that those people who commit suicide never get salvation?". Also if you are trying to appeal to a Christian audience many would disagree on you as a writer using God as a character because we shouldn't put words in his mouth. As far as your writing structure goes id have to recommend combining sentences in the beginning such as "Mary started looking here and there. She was in the middle of clouds. It was like a beautiful garden floating on clouds. White Clouds. It was surreal." by doing so you would also add more sentence structure! I think this is a cool original idea I just don't think there is much of a market for it. Sorry
Hey thanks for the review I'll edit few lines later.