Note:- The writer has no intention to hurt the feelings of any religion, person, place.If anyone feel uncomfortable may not read further as this work contains strong language and theme.
Mehta heard a loud scream stroke his eardrums. He stood up in one quick motion, the chair screeched back. He dropped the paper he was holding and ran fast towards the door.
As he reached the door the power went off. It was quite strange for Mehta as there was an inverter along with generator facility available. With hope that power may come soon he waited for five minutes but nothing happened. As he stepped forward with his left foot power came, but again there's something strange. There was something unusual happening for Mehta. The whole area was not illuminating bright as it was before. The place was illuminated with red light. Mehta frowned as he clearly remembered that no red colored bulbs were present anywhere.
"
Where is this light coming from ?". It was daytime but there was darkness everywhere except the area where Mehta was standing. " I'm quite sure that this is neither a dream nor a hallucination." , thought Mehta again. He came out of the room and what he saw was quite disturbing and astonishing. There was no one present , not even a single creature. He called out to the security guards loudly but no response came from anywhere.
"What the hell is this! Is anyone here ? Anyone there ? Hanif ? Raju ?" , shouted Mehta loud but he could not hear anything except his own echo. He gulped and started looking here and there. Suddenly he heard some kind of voice he's familiar with. It was his own daughter's voice. Mehta forgot that his daughter's no more in the world . He tried to hear the voice and thus followed it. As he started following the voice, the strength/opacity of the sound also increased. Soon he reached a point where he saw his daughter playing with dolls and giggling loudly. Mehta stood there and gasped for a minute.
"Elena ! What're you doing at that corner, dear?" asked Mehta with a curious tone.
Elena said nothing but smiled once with her cute face. There was a kind of glow radiating from her face. It was so wonderful that Mehta wanted to stand there forever and look at his daughter's face for long.
After five minutes, Elena’s expression changed and Mehta could now see fear in her eyes.
Four men came out there from the darkness. Mehta could not understand what was going to happen. He wanted to go near his daughter but could not .His legs were not moving. Then Someone came fast from behind and hit Mehta's head hardly. He fell down on the ground and blood came out of his head. It started flowing down his face towards neck. Elena cried loudly when saw blood on Mehta's face. "Daddy, Daddy !", screamed Elena .
Two of the four men started taking off their pants."Ey ay no no what're you going to do with my angel?" cried loudly Mehta. The person who had hit Mehta started fastening the hands of Mehta with ropes and one person came near him. All men were dressed like robbers and were having healthy bodies. Their mouths were covered with black cloths. Mehta could not see their face so he tried to snatch off the cloth from one of them who's near him. As he saw the face he got a hard kick in his groin area by that person. He shouted badly but could not do anything as his hands were not free. Therefore he flung his legs. The person who was standing behind him, came in front and hold Mehta's legs.He took out a needle and thread from his pocket." Now you're not going to say anything and just watch and listen to what we're doing bloody moron !", said the person in his cracked voice.
"Do it soon, we have no time in our hand why don't you kill him ?", yelled the other man.
"No bro, let him also enjoy a bit ' said the person standing near Elena and started laughing.As Elena saw everyone busy in the conversation, she broke into a run but strong hands caught her. She turned to see the same person who’d been standing near her." Where're you going my little bird ?, mocked that person.
He slapped Elena so harshly that she fell off on the ground and blood came out from her nose. Again all men laughed." ha aha hah stupid girl ".
"Hey you, yes you, keep a firm grip on his legs and stitch his mouth quickly "said the person who slapped Elena. The person who was taking out the needle from his pocket came closer and with the help of the other man held Mehta's Head by his hands tightly and started piercing Mehta's lips.
"Hold him tight, man he's shaking his head" Then both men came closer and started slapping Mehta rapidly one by one." Oh God please help me and my Elena ! "said Mehta and started crying in a low voice." this was your last sentence old retarded man" said the person sitting near Mehta and hold Mehta's jaw tightly and continued stitching his lips. Now in a minute they're done and Mehta's face was full of blood. His eye's could not see what was going to happen next. He muffled but his lips were badly bleeding which stopped him to utter a single word. His Head fell down along with his body unconsciously and what he heard after that was only crying and sobbing of Elena. He closed his eyes for few minutes but after sometime his eyes flickered. The person standing nearest to him noticed that Mehta was still somewhat conscious.
He came closer, and sat directly on his face.
'Uh huh, " gasped Mehta as he opened his eyes. He found himself sitting on his chair and holding the photo frame of Elena. He took the glass of water that was kept on the table and drank the water in a single breath. Then somebody knocked the door twice. He saw Hanif coming towards him. He came and sat on the chair kept for clients to sit." So Bhaijaan how's the case going on ? Is it solved or any new information you've gathered?" asked Hanif looking at Mehta's face. Mehta said nothing. "What happened buddy, are you okay?" asked Hanif. After wiping off his tears and water from his lips Mehta said, "yar you know nah, about Elena, just now I saw her in a daydream I guess" "Oh I see, I understand and feel sorry for whatever happened to your daughter that day but three people have been arrested." "They're not three people. They're four rascals. If I'll find that fourth man I'll kill him by myself", said Mehta in a furious tone.
"Relax man, I'm with you but you've to take care of yourself. See yourself , what kind of face have you made now. If you allow me, I can handle the case of Philip."
"No brother, it is okay. But you know Hanif .Nothing is going to happen. I am damn sure. Now a days these kind of crimes are very common in this country. For few days people shout for justice, do candle march and after one month they forget what happened. Laws are not strict. Only the relatives of the sufferer know what's going on with them." said Mehta and put down the photo frame he's holding.
"See, even the fourth men is still not arrested and even in the news headlines...Have you heard about that serial killing case" said Mehta trying to recall something.
"Yes I know, but we know that in that case only Philip's arrested and now he's here".
"No man, something's still there we do not know. I'd seen the face of that man partially. It was not Philip. Bro, I just need one favor from you"
"Yes tell me, Hanif is at your service ,Sir"
"ha ha man, stop doing this. Can you please collect some information about this Philip's case and send it to me by tomorrow morning if possible. I'm not feeling good now."
"Yes yes why not. Now I am free. I'll do that for you buddy, You, please go home and have some rest." "Thank you Hanif" said Mehta and both men stood up.
After a few minutes Mehta took his bag and went straight to his home.
Okay, Sushi is back for her review part two!
I realize that this is a lot to look at and revise all at once so I shall break it down. The first section in blue, first of all "cried" should be capitalized because the before quote ended in a question mark. The other thing I have a problem with is the way it sounds. Try reading it aloud and see how it sounds. It would be okay if you pur Mehta before loudly, but in this case you didn't.The red section that I highlighted is a description if I am correct. When you want a person to understand what the characters look like it is best to make it detailed, not vague, saying that they have healthy bodies. I have no idea what I should be seeing in my head with this description.
The green section that I highlighted is unneeded in the way you phrased it. The reader already knows that his hands are bound so why say it again? Try not to waste a single word. The part after that sentence is a fragment. If someone was told to read that sentence, nothing else and they didn't know what this story was about or what had already taken place, they would be very confused. The easy part is since you started it with "therefore" all you have to do is blend it in with the sentence before.
The orange part I highlighted only has grammar mistakes. There should be no spaces between quotes and the words they surround, otherwise the reader will get confused as to who is speaking and what they are saying. There should be a comma before "bloody moron" to show that the "bloody moron" is the subject, the person they are speaking of. Also at the end there should not be a comma following, that's like putting a period after a comma. I don't know how to explain it besides the fact that it is gramatically incorrect.
You forgot the closing quote and put spaces where they don't go.
Overall your story is really good and would be easily sold if you could get your point across. You have the ability to write things that interest and captivate readers, you just have some trouble with grammar, descriptions and the writing mechanics of it all. Trust me, if you just read over your stuff a couple times and fix all those problems, take your time to edit, this would be flawless. Remember you can ask someone to edit with you if you like, make things easier on yourself. Plot was wonderful!
Sushi
Hey thanks a lot for your wonderful and detailed review.
Well, let me start by saying that the idea of the story is intriguing and it made me want to keep reading. It definitely had an emotional appeal, and that's one good thing to keep in a story.
I see that some people have already commented on the grammar/spelling types errors, so I'm going to assume that they've covered that already. I am more interested in the story line itself. Personally, I think that a great concept exists here, and, with some proper expansion and details, it could become a wonderful story. One thing there should definitely be more of is details. Some descriptions, much like what occurs in the daydream, should be put throughout the entire story. The daydream was an excellent example because that made me feel like I was a part of the story, and that's when you've done something right.
The story is a great idea, and I think this could be wonderful. My major suggestion would be to add details and descriptions, and take your time to write everything you have to write. Write down every idea that you want, and then go back through, read it, and delete and edit what you really want it to say. I am excited to read more. Good job.
Thank you for your review.
It seems that you forgot to put the word "the" in this sentence. Another thing I wanted to address was your usage of the word suddenly. Use a different word or don't use it at all, think that for every time you use the word suddenly you pay me a dollar. Use it sparingly so that the effect might be greater.
In this sentence you have a comma where it is unneeded and you are also missing a comma where it needs to be. So far where your commas are placed it takes away from the flow of the story. You need a comma before "but" because "but" is a conjunction, and you also need to take away the comma after "hope".
As you go on in this paragraph you say too many unnecessary things. We don't need to know that he stepped forward with his left foot, we already figure that there are no read bulbs since it wasn't red before the power outage. You also tend to change your tense, from present to past, make sure to watch out for that.
When you are showing a person's thoughts you need to put things in italics instead of using quotes.
Here if the part above was in italics this line would be unnecessary since we would already know he was thinking this. Try not to repeat yourself as much as you can.
In my opinion this sentence is redundant. If no one is present then of course there would be no human beings, you would have to either delete that part or change the human part to something else. Otherwise this just takes away from the flow.
When using quotes there is no spacing between the quote and the word. Also to clear something that had me confused for a while, when a quote ends with a question mark, period etc. then the following word is capitalized. No space goes before a question mark either, no space before punctuation, only after.
If it is a kind of voice you must go on to describe what kind, not whose it is. Also you changed your tenses here again from past to present and back again. In the following bits of this paragraph please find another word for voice or else you will sound like a broken record, if you are interested here's a link the make things easier. Voice.
For long what?
Just a word for future reference, starting a paragraph let alone sentence with "then" is not good, "then" is a conjunction and should go after a comma.
Overall the story seems a little interesting, just make it flow nicer and it will be golden! I will let you fix the first part and read it over yourself before I critique further! Good job, and like Frayer said, take your time, we're not gonna hound you for the next part, writer's can only write when they want to or else the creative juices aren't so juicy.
Alright, review time!
I don't believe I've ever read any of your works so it was a real pleasure. Anyways, let's get started.
I'm going to start with my nitpicks. There's a couple initial grammatical errors that I noticed. First off, the punctuation marks and the quotations for dialogue. For example:
It should be like this:
The problem I noticed was that there were added spaces between the quotations and the actual dialogue. Also, there were commas after the dialogue that have no purpose because there's already an ending punctuation mark. This happened throughout the piece, so just be sure to go back and fix that.
Next, is the dialogue formatting. When a new speaker starts speaking be sure to make a new paragraph. Here's what I mean:
It's a little difficult to understand who is talking here. (I'm going to sound stingy when I say this but...) The correct format for this would be:
*
*I also fixed some of the grammar in the excerpt.
One last nitpick and I'll stop my rambling and tell you what I liked. I have this problem all the time when I write because I get caught up in the descriptions and forget what tense I'm using. When you do a self-check before you submit, make sure you are using the same tense through out the piece. For instance, "I sprint towards the exit and opened the door." There's two different tenses going on there, present and past. How about this: "I sprinted towards the exit and opened the door." or "I sprint towards the exit and open the door."
That's all my edits for you, so just go through and fix those up. That way, the reader will have an easier time reading the piece
Let's get to the good stuff. (Finally after my long-windedness) The plot is there. You have good description and use the violence tastefully. It isn't over-dramatic violence that I sometime see. I am thoroughly curious about where the story is going and I think I'll go and read the other chapters. Keep writing and thanks for asking me to review!
-Jadefox
hey Thanks a lot for the review, I am glad to hear that you like it
Hi so imma review this!
Ok, first off I like the stories concept, I really do.
It just seems like you were rushed to write it, like you did it as fast as you could.
Remember, writing a story doesn't happen in five minutes. It takes time to develop a plot, create characters, and the theme of a story. It takes me days to come up with a good story, and even longer to write it.
There were many grammar, capitalization, and punctuation mistakes, but I think they were from you typing too fast.
Remember to spell check your work and to revise it as many times as you can to correct mistakes like this.
Overall, good story. Just slow down a bit.
Keep on writing:)
-Frayer
Thank you for the review. You're right. I was in a hurry. Next time I'll take care of that. Thanks again.
Hey, here I am, doing you a review
The first thing I noticed is that you don't have any paragraphing here. You don't even start a new paragraph when someone new is talking, which it this a bit confusing and had to follow. It just helps give the work some structure and flow. I also noticed that the narration and dialogue doesn't seem to flow naturally. I'll say what I tell most people that make this mistake; Try listening to the flow of normal conversations, and then read this story out loud to yourself, you might be able to hear what I'm talking about.
There were a few things that really bothered me in this chapter. The thing I found most annoying was here;
" See, even the fourth men is still not arrested and even in the news headlines...............Have you heard" etc.
The dots indicative a pause don't need to be so numerous. Usually an ellipses is either like this ... or even this . . . not a whole line. This part also really bothered me;
"ha ha man, stop doing this."
usually, you don't write in a ha ha, if they are just laughing naturally. I would have written, "Man, stop doing this," laughed Mehta. And the last thing was where they both hug, and then for some reason they hug for a few minutes and Mehta just leaves. It doesn't seem very natural to me . . . I don't generally hug someone for minutes when I'm just saying goodbye . . . unless they're dying/I'm never seeing them again.
You also seem to narrate every single action these two make. It's not necessary to say, "they stood up, came near, and hugged each other" because the reader can infer that in order to hug, you must be near. It just makes it a bit awkward to read.
Anyway, keep writing, you have a lot of potential
- Jon
Hello there, thanks a lot for the review. This piece of work was actually in paragraphs but I do not know why it is not showing here. I'll edit those lines again.
All you have to do it put more spaces between the paragraphs after you past it from your computer.
okay Thanks Jordin:)