I started reaching for something more
Before I was conscious of it
---
When I was eight years old
I got yelled at
For trying to hang out
with the neighborhood boys
---
When I was nine years old
I asked to dress up as a dude
For Halloween
---
When I was ten years old
My father said to me,
“Oh my daughter, I have to tell you something.”
I don’t remember what he said
All I knew was that he called me his daughter
I was his daughter
---
When I was eleven years old
I focused on becoming a feminine
I wanted to grow into a woman
I wanted it so bad
Despite feeling like a fraud
Despite feeling like this was beyond me
---
Maybe a tiny voice said I would never become
A woman
---
When I was twelve years old
I locked myself in the bathroom
And styled my hair short
Minutes, maybe hours passed
And I stared at myself in the mirror
In wonder, curiosity shaping my thoughts
---
When I was thirteen years old
I was told that because I was a woman
I shouldn’t go to college, to save the spot for a man
Because I was only going have children in the end
It felt as though I was watching a movie
Looking into an alternative universe
Because surely they couldn’t be talking about me
---
When I was fourteen years old
I dressed as a “guy” when I went to school
Made a pact never to wear another dress
But I didn’t know yet
---
The funny thing is,
Even within the limits of a sheltered childhood
I knew something was off
But what exactly, I could never place
---
Now I’m fifteen years old
My mother called me by a boys name to insult me
And I liked it
---
My sisters used they and them pronouns as a joke
And I liked it
---
I stumbled when asked my gender
And I researched
To learn why
---
Because after growing up
In a world where my gender brought me
Tears
Unease
Inequality
And
Jealousy, of which was far beyond my reach
It was a finding the key
To a lock I didn’t know existed outside of my mind
---
I don’t want to be a woman
I don’t want to be a man
I don’t want to be both
I want to be me
Just me.
---
Not your daughter
Not your girlfriend
Not your wife
Not Ma’am, Miss, Madam
---
But it causes tears to fill the corners of my eyes
To remember that I am hiding
From my peers
---
In their atmosphere my “new ideas”
Are far beyond their reach
“My name is -------, and my pronouns are she/her.” I say
And I’m a liar
---
But maybe not for long
“My name is -------, and my pronouns are they/them.” I’ll say
And I’ll live my truth
I’m reaching for they and them
best of luck to you in the future as well.
Points: 5
Reviews: 21
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