Young Writers Society

Hey there, Alice here to give a review!

MY FIRST THOUGHT

Wow, quite a lot to digest! It was quite a fun read. I don't know much about the story yet so would definitely like to check them out. This seemed like a very fast-paced and chaotic storyline, with a fun group of characters.

A vampire ghost octopus?!" shrieked Froggie. "Those are real?!" he gasped

What is the world is A vampire ghost octopus xD That is quite a creative creature you created, nice!

Narration/Plot

The narration was quite humorous but I noticed a little hecticness in the pacing of events, like they were talking about flowers and then suddenly there were ghost attacks. Try slowing things down a bit for the readers to easily grasp the plot and feel that emerged in the storyline. Don't worry as I notice it must be your first novel, is it? And you are excited about it and I was too, writing my first chapter of the novel, it is quite understandable. But even if the genre is humor, you still need to give a little more detail so that the readers get more connected. Try doing that in the following chapters and maybe when in the future you edit this one out.
like you could have expanded on the atmosphere and details of the forest to create a vivid setting.

Dialogues/Formatting

The dialogues were fun to read, especially this part:

"Probably off the road." I said. "Because he thinks we'd think he went on the road, so went the opposite way." Of course! Perfect logic. Smart, I am. Practically genius.

"Unless..." said Froggie in his know it all voice. "He think we'd think he'd think he'd go off the road, so went on it instead."

"That makes no sense!" Morgan insisted. "He probably thinks we'd think he'd think we'd think that he'd go on the road, so he went in the trees!

A fun little confusion right there haha

So, the dialogues are the entertaining part of your chapters. It's just they seemed a little out of place sometimes with the formatting. One thing I noticed is you use two punctuations after a dialogue.

"A vampire ghost octopus?!" shrieked Froggie. "Those are real?!" he gasped.

Here you used a question mark, as well as an exclamation mark. I do think that is grammatically wrong, it doesn't seem to matter to me that much but just maybe go and edit those things and everything is fine:)


Characters

Froggie is quite funny, I don't know much about the characters yet nor what they are doing following this person in the person but your characters seemed fun!

~A LIL SUGGESTION~

There are multiple good threads in the site's forums Writing Tips with good advice about the pacing of a novel or a chapter, you could check that out as well if you want:)

Overall

A lovely and light story going on here, it is nice to read something like this once in a while. And as always please don't force yourself to think that all my suggestions are good, take what you want and leave the rest. We all are excited writers wanting to move on with our stories and I totally understand it, it's normal:) Looking forward to reading more work from you!

Keep Writing👍
-ALICE^-^

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well things are definitely happening now after we've relatively calm moments. This one has definitely exploded into a lot of action and things are already getting very interesting.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I stared at everything all around me. It was so... dark. I had never been in the forest before, or outside in general, so I had no idea what to even expect overall.

"Well..." said Cheyenne after a moment. We walked forward for a bit in silence. Soon we got to a road. (It was also dark.) "Where do you think Toren went?"

"Probably off the road." I said. "Because he thinks we'd think he went on the road, so went the opposite way." Of course! Perfect logic. Smart, I am. Practically genius.

"Unless..." said Froggie in his know it all voice. "He think we'd think he'd think he'd go off the road, so went on it instead."

"That makes no sense!" Morgan insisted. "He probably thinks we'd think he'd think we'd think that he'd go on the road, so he went in the trees!"

Well that definitely seems like quite a bit of debate there to be starting a quest off with here. Hopefully they manage to resolve all of that before things manage to devolve in any capacity to some sort of surprise attack.

That conversation went on for about fifteen minutes or so, until Sam said: "Let's split up! I have a headache! Me and the frog dude go on the road, and y'all go in the trees!" We all nodded and expressed quiet words of agreement. Then- wait!

"But you are the only one who has magic!" I cried. "No fair! What if a... a... aha! A vampire ghost octopus attacks us?!"

"A vampire ghost octopus?!" shrieked Froggie. "Those are real?!" he gasped.

"No, they're not." said Cheyenne. "Mochii is just making things up." (I was not, by the way.)

"But still!" I shrieked. By then the two boys were walking in the other way, and Froggie was saying: "I am Froggie, not the Frog Dude."

"Oh, well." said Morrigan. We turned around and began walking through the trees. It was dark, and I kept on jumping a mile when a bird cawed or something or other. Sigh. Although, the flowers were beautiful.

Well that was quite the chaotic plan there but it seems thankfully they managed to actually finish of all the planning before things got too heated and they got distracted from the main issue. I also really want to see a vampire ghost octopus now.

"Look!" said Cheyenne. "A Flurpule!" We stared at a flower that spat out a sweet-tasting spray.

"What color is 'Flurple'?" asked Morgan.

"It is extinct now." said Cheyenne, before saying: "A rainglow! A Ghostalo! A Rainbowl!" She pointed to a rainbow flower, glowing; a flat flower that was clear and creepy-looking, and a bowl that looked and sounded like a storm cloud. Wow!

Sooner or later, we got to a clearing. "What's that?" I pointed to a brown flower.

"Uh-oh!" said Cheyenne. "That's a flart. It's super dangerous. Makes people suffocate to death if you smell it."

We all held out noses and rushed forward. Soon-another clearing? Whaaaaaat? "What's with all those clearings?" asked Morgan. Then- whooooo! "It's... three o' clock!" said Cheyenne. "The ghost hour!" and then, ghosts rushed out of those trees.

Well that looks like quite the collection of flowers. This ghost invasion seems a bit rushed there in the midst of all that. Maybe you could either avoid all the flower descriptions or have the ghost situation happen slightly later because with them back to back like this, the pacing comes off a little bit weird there.

"Mwa ha-ha-ha-ha..." said one, too creepy to describe. It would make you skip dessert for a month, to quote the haunted mansion.

I screamed, and ran around lie a headless chicken. "Stop!" said Morgan.

whoosh!

A mysterious, dark figure swung from the trees on a vine. "Take my hand!" they said.

"No, thanks-" said Morgan, before another evil laugh cut through the air. "Never mind..." she said.

We zoomed up, up, and up before we got to a tree house in the branches. The mysterious person swung open the door and told us to walk inside, and make ourselves comfortable. As soon as we sat down, something seemed off. Then-

"All this food is mine!" I gasped. "Just yum..."

"Jump!" I whispered. Cheyenne quickly tried to open a window, but it was locked.

"Looks we do his the hard way-" said Morgan, and she tore through the wall. "Come on!" We all jumped, and then I realized just how high up we were.

Well that escalated quite quickly there, although this time with all the ghosts and things going on there, it did actually fit quite well with what was already going on. It looks like we're jumping straight into another cliffhanger so let's see how far this manages to go.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, it looks like quite a lot is happening there. I can't wait to see what happens next there. Definitely a lot of big questions being asked there without any answers at the moment. Looking forward to seeing that next chapter.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate