z
  • Home

Young Writers Society



The Accidental magic: chapter 7

by foxmaster


"Where am I?" 

Charlotte woke up in an entirely different place. She seemed to be in some kind of... canyon? She couldn't tell. Behind her, the walls were colored a orangey salmon. The ground was made of a kind of rock that was a mix of the colors pink, bluish, and white. The ground seemed to have a sheer drop, and, she realized with a sick feeling, the bottom was shaped like a coffin. There seemed to be some kind of spray of water that came out of a large rock formation at the top of the whole thing. 

There was a large line of people that Charlotte seemed to be in the middle of. 

"Where am I?' she repeated.

A woman standing before her turned to see. She had long blond hair and strikingly orange eyes. "You are before the falls of time," she said. "It is the bridge between life and death." 

oh. …oh. Charlotte took a deep breath and tried not to panic. I'm... dead. 

"This is your chance to win your life back," said the woman. The line moved forward by a few people. "Don't touch the water, or you get pulled back in time." Soon enough, Charlotte was at the front of the Falls of Time. Deep breaths... deep breaths. She thought. Then she jumped.

The air whizzed past her, and took her breath away. She dodged one fall, then another. Soon, she was in a completely dry spot. Around her, she saw many time periods, and it took her breath away. That, and she was floating. With a strong stroke, she was moving upwards. She laughed. This ws the best thing she had ever experienced. As she flew, she saw many interesting things. There was a fiery tunnel, a fox and frog on a boat that seemed to be on a river made of silver. Silver! Wow! Soon... "OWCH!" Charlotte slammed her head onto something large. She'd made it to the end of the falls! Before her, there seemed to be a magical floating diamond. She grasped it, and woke up! 

"YOU'RE ALIVE!" yelled someone, and suddenly Toby was hugging her. 

"You'll never believe what I just saw..." said Charlotte. Then she noticed Maddie staring at her, looking shaken. "What happened?" Charlotte asked. 

"Looks like we've got an encounter with our first witch..." said Sam, motioning to the world around them. The trees seemed to be burnt, and a thick smoke filled the air. 

"Looks like we're in Witch territory, now." 

ELLIE

"Mochii?" Ellie asked, puzzled. "Whaaat?" And that was when the craziest thing happened in Ellie's life. A fox jumped out of the trees. "It's grand sorceress Mochii, and Aren't you supposed to be dealing with the Chimera?" asked the fox. 

"Y-yes ma'am!" said the knight. 

"Go ahead then!" Mochii yelled, and with a snap of her fingers, the man was gone. Then, she turned to the two girls. "You have to get out of here..." she said. "Where do you need to go?"

"Do you know where Charlotte Henderson is?" asked Ellie. 

"Charlotte... Charlotte... AHA! Yes, she's in Witch Clan territory right now, are you sure you want to go there?" 

"YES!" yelled Ellie. 

"Then I can take you there." said the grand sorceress, and suddenly they were in a sinister place.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
100 Reviews

Points: 3476
Reviews: 100

Donate
Tue Feb 07, 2023 5:40 am
dragonight9 wrote a review...



Well, that's an interesting take on death. Really cool description. Makes me wonder what, if anything, inspired it. Interesting concept too. I have so many questions about how it works.
Could she just keep coming back as long as she makes it down (or up)? Was there something special about her that allowed her to do this? Did she die from her wounds or whatever burned up the forest?

I like the fact that Mochii was clarified right away. How did she snap her fingers as a fox though?

Where did Missy go?! I thought she was standing beside Ellie when the knight attacked. Did she run or go with Ellie and the grand sorceress to the Witch Clan territory?

SO MANY QUESTIONS! I just hope a few of them get answered.

Somehow Ellie is back in the same place as Charlotte again. Why did her sister get stabbed just because a queen was evil? I still don't know.
Why does Ellie want to go where Charlotte is so soon after aiding the one who stabbed her?

by the way, I'm asking all these questions to get you as a writer to be thinking about their answers and how you are going to explain these things to the reader. Some things you can leave up to the reader's imagination but there still has to be some structure. When and how does it make logical sense to answer these questions and what's your plan for getting there. It doesn't have to be all figured out but you should at least have a sense of where the story is going so you can fit these things in.




User avatar
1075 Reviews

Points: 152
Reviews: 1075

Donate
Tue Jan 31, 2023 1:13 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Charlotte is alive and Ellie is okay! Grand Sorceress Mochii seems pretty cool. I wonder what happened to Missy though. Maybe she left. What if Queen Emerald challenges the Hendersons to fight each other? What if they join the ghosts in their house? I will have to wait and see. As always, I cannot wait for the next chapter of this story. I liked this chapter.

I wish you a lovely day/night.




User avatar
4242 Reviews

Points: 294312
Reviews: 4242

Donate
Tue Jan 31, 2023 2:27 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Another lovely chapter to add to this tale. Things are really taking off on this one here. I think you've done a great of setting up a lot of little climaxes here even if some happen perhaps a little quicker than would be ideal.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Where am I?"

Charlotte woke up in an entirely different place. She seemed to be in some kind of... canyon? She couldn't tell. Behind her, the walls were colored a orangey salmon. The ground was made of a kind of rock that was a mix of the colors pink, bluish, and white. The ground seemed to have a sheer drop, and, she realized with a sick feeling, the bottom was shaped like a coffin. There seemed to be some kind of spray of water that came out of a large rock formation at the top of the whole thing.

There was a large line of people that Charlotte seemed to be in the middle of.

"Where am I?' she repeated.


Ooooh well already we're right in the middle of some serious panic here. A pretty solid place to start given where we left off the other day and I love how this story has managed to sustain itself here through just jumping right from one moment of panic to another. It does keep us very much hooked though.

A woman standing before her turned to see. She had long blond hair and strikingly orange eyes. "You are before the falls of time," she said. "It is the bridge between life and death."

oh. …oh. Charlotte took a deep breath and tried not to panic. I'm... dead.

"This is your chance to win your life back," said the woman. The line moved forward by a few people. "Don't touch the water, or you get pulled back in time." Soon enough, Charlotte was at the front of the Falls of Time. Deep breaths... deep breaths. She thought. Then she jumped.


Okay....well that's not something I was expecting although it does make sense given what Charlotte suffered. Its an interesting mechanic there to have people be able to compete for their life back although I have to now wonder how this system works and how it affects people dying in general because it opens a very large can of worms there for any other deaths that happen in this story.

The air whizzed past her, and took her breath away. She dodged one fall, then another. Soon, she was in a completely dry spot. Around her, she saw many time periods, and it took her breath away. That, and she was floating. With a strong stroke, she was moving upwards. She laughed. This ws the best thing she had ever experienced. As she flew, she saw many interesting things. There was a fiery tunnel, a fox and frog on a boat that seemed to be on a river made of silver. Silver! Wow! Soon... "OWCH!" Charlotte slammed her head onto something large. She'd made it to the end of the falls! Before her, there seemed to be a magical floating diamond. She grasped it, and woke up!

"YOU'RE ALIVE!" yelled someone, and suddenly Toby was hugging her.

"You'll never believe what I just saw..." said Charlotte. Then she noticed Maddie staring at her, looking shaken. "What happened?" Charlotte asked.

"Looks like we've got an encounter with our first witch..." said Sam, motioning to the world around them. The trees seemed to be burnt, and a thick smoke filled the air.

"Looks like we're in Witch territory, now."


Okayy....once again we're suffering from that same issue of being a little too rushed. That gate between life and death situation feels like its just ever so slightly too important for us to be brushing aside this quickly because I can't imagine returning from the dead can be taken this casually. Because that would completely trivialize death in this story so none of the deaths to follow will end up impactful.

"Mochii?" Ellie asked, puzzled. "Whaaat?" And that was when the craziest thing happened in Ellie's life. A fox jumped out of the trees. "It's grand sorceress Mochii, and Aren't you supposed to be dealing with the Chimera?" asked the fox.

"Y-yes ma'am!" said the knight.

"Go ahead then!" Mochii yelled, and with a snap of her fingers, the man was gone. Then, she turned to the two girls. "You have to get out of here..." she said. "Where do you need to go?"

"Do you know where Charlotte Henderson is?" asked Ellie.

"Charlotte... Charlotte... AHA! Yes, she's in Witch Clan territory right now, are you sure you want to go there?"

"YES!" yelled Ellie.

"Then I can take you there." said the grand sorceress, and suddenly they were in a sinister place.


Oooh is this perhaps the fabled foxmaster? I just had to ask because fox sorcerer. Jokes aside this is a fun moment. Yet another cliffhanger to add to our collection and I think you've done a good job of this one. It manages to be far better paced that some of the others I've seen here although now we are running into the problem of there being one too many characters to keep track of.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, we have ourselves quite a powerful moment yet again. Honestly some of these are losing a bit of power because there's so many, but I think you've so far managed to have each problem be sufficiently bigger than the last and keep things interesting. At any rate, another solid chapter and I look forward to seeing what comes next.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate





Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
— Groucho Marx