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The Accidental Magic: chapter 6

by foxmaster


Well, then. Charlotte had a mixture of feelings flow inside of her, but mostly just pain, in addition to annoyance, hurt, and anger. 

"This sucks." said Maddie. "Charlotte, if you could-" 

"I've just been stabbed, honestly, do you think I can free you right now?" Charlotte groaned and rolled over. Oh, what she wouldn't give to be back at home, listening to her favorite songs,  and eating Takis while sitting upside down on her favorite chair. If only.  But that was not the case. 

"Come ON Charlotte," said Sam, glaring at her. "The faster you help us, the faster we can get out of here, and you survive..." Charlotte glared at them, but she scooted over and took out some of her magical fire power. She burned through the net, trying to keep it controlled. But using her power was just too much, and everything went dark...

MEANWHILE

Not a sign of them in over 10 hours. She was angry, facing around the great hall. Her emerald colored silk dress billowed around her- and she was named after the color.

A loud knock came from the doors, and the sound echoed around the chamber for a few seconds. Emerald waited, but she gave in and opened the door. A short woman clad in black was waiting there. 

"Emerald, I have to speak to you." she said. Emerald gave her a scathing look. 

"That's queen emerald to you." she said, and shut the door.

ELLIE

"How could you?" asked Ellie the tenth time. Missy-as that was the Witch girls' name- glared at her. "I've already TOLD you, the queen is evil. What more do you need?" she asked. 

"I'm glad you're so sure." snapped Ellie. "Because, back there, that didn't seem like the right decision."

"Must I remind what YOU did?" she asked. "Well-" began Ellie, but she was suddenly pushed against a tree. A man (knight?) had his sword pushed against her chest. "State your business." he said, "and maybe Queen Mochii will let you live."  


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Stickied -- Tue Feb 07, 2023 5:21 am
dragonight9 wrote a review...



Wow. Charlotte didn't really seem to care all that much about being stabbed. More like... annoyed.

She really would just rather go home than be stabbed by her sister's new 'friend'. I mean, of course she would!

I'm just surprised her reaction was so docile (or seemed so). If she was tired from blood loss or depressed or something other than her own personality caused her to be so uncaring towards her situation it should have been made more clear.

Queen Emerald and Queen Mochii! (nice name by the way)
It's good to get a kind of behind the scenes look at what's going on in the world. Are these new character? How do they relate to the queen who sent Charlotte on her mission? Is one of them the evil queen Missy was talking about?

It's a good idea to have your reader asking questions, but you should also remember to answer them before adding too many new ones. Otherwise it's easy to loose track of what's going on.

Also, Ellie didn't seem to be acting of her own will last chapter yet she still seems to think she decided to do those things herself and thus feels guilty. It could be made clearer why she feels this way. At least she was upset about Missy's actions. Which missy of course turned around on her to make Ellie feel guilty instead. (That was good writing)

Overall I just feel like I have been given a lot of loose threads here and haven't been given anything that ties them all together. Maybe that will happen soon, but it's good in a longer story to have a solid base for the story to launch off of. You don't need to dump all the info right at the start but I feel that a little more context would help here




foxmaster says...


yeah, that was what happened to me, because I was in kind of a hurry to finish this novel. The name "Mochii" is based off of something me and my friends did in the fourth grade: "Desk Pets" I had a fox named Mochii and even wrote a five-book series starring the characters and a really annoying kid in my class as the evil villain.



dragonight9 says...


Lol! Nice ;)



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Sun Jan 29, 2023 5:32 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



Hello! Happy Review Day! I hope you're having a great one!

First things first, what a cliffhanger! I love how with every chapter, you continue to keep your readers on their toes, but this one struck me as particularly great!

I think Ellie and Missy might be my two favorite characters so far. I love how conflicted Ellie is, and I can't wait to learn why the witch feels the way she does! There is just so much interesting stuff going on here, and I am living for it!

I also can't wait to see how their dynamic changes as the story progresses. Will the witch drive Ellie to her side of things? Or will Ellies love for her sister continue to clash with Missy's plans? Either way, I'm excited to see how everything plays out!

As for Charlotte, it was a little comical how blasé she was about the whole being stabbed thing. If you intended the scene to be humorous, you did succeed in getting a chuckle out of me. However, considering it directly follows Ellies betrayal, I would've liked to see Charlotte reflect on her sister's actions.

This is a minor nitpick, but remember that whenever a new character speaks, there should be a break in the paragraph. For example, here-

"Must I remind what YOU did?" she asked. "Well-" began Ellie, but she was suddenly pushed against a tree. A man (knight?) had his sword pushed against her chest. "State your business." he said, "and maybe Queen Mochii will let you live."


-should be three paragraphs instead of one. It helps the reader know who's speaking at any given time, and adds clarity to your writing.

But other than that little formatting issue, this was a great chapter! I loved the characters interactions with one another, and how it fleshes out their relationships. And, once again, an excellent cliffhanger to leave us on!

All this is to say, keep on writing, and Happy Review Day! :D




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Sat Jan 28, 2023 2:57 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is quite a climactic scene yet again. Things really clashed at their strongest in the previous one, but it looks like this chapter is definitely not meant to be a respite by any means because we're still just getting hit back to back with some devastating blows here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Well, then. Charlotte had a mixture of feelings flow inside of her, but mostly just pain, in addition to annoyance, hurt, and anger.

"This sucks." said Maddie. "Charlotte, if you could-"

"I've just been stabbed, honestly, do you think I can free you right now?" Charlotte groaned and rolled over. Oh, what she wouldn't give to be back at home, listening to her favorite songs, and eating Takis while sitting upside down on her favorite chair. If only. But that was not the case.


Well that's quite the moment there. Charlotte is taking this whole thing incredibly calmly for someone who was just stabbed like that. That seems to be some rather strong perseverance on her part to be able to resist things like that. It seems she's more annoyed than hurt here and now I'm curious how she managed to become a seasoned fighter to a point where she reacts this way.

"Come ON Charlotte," said Sam, glaring at her. "The faster you help us, the faster we can get out of here, and you survive..." Charlotte glared at them, but she scooted over and took out some of her magical fire power. She burned through the net, trying to keep it controlled. But using her power was just too much, and everything went dark...


Well things are heating up there. At the very least it looks like Charlotte is free from the worst of the danger at the moment although that stabbing being shrugged of so easily is a bit concerning here. I suppose becoming a witch has more perks than we were led to believe at the start. Although not it seems we've got a bigger problem for Charlotte, so ahhhh well hopefully she is okay.

A loud knock came from the doors, and the sound echoed around the chamber for a few seconds. Emerald waited, but she gave in and opened the door. A short woman clad in black was waiting there.

"Emerald, I have to speak to you." she said. Emerald gave her a scathing look.

"That's queen emerald to you." she said, and shut the door.


Well our little visit from the person who appears to be the villain here is a little bit longer this time. We definitely get a rather interesting bit of information about what this person is like although we still maybe don't really know enough to start thinking too much more on that.

"How could you?" asked Ellie the tenth time. Missy-as that was the Witch girls' name- glared at her. "I've already TOLD you, the queen is evil. What more do you need?" she asked.

"I'm glad you're so sure." snapped Ellie. "Because, back there, that didn't seem like the right decision."

"Must I remind what YOU did?" she asked. "Well-" began Ellie, but she was suddenly pushed against a tree. A man (knight?) had his sword pushed against her chest. "State your business." he said, "and maybe Queen Mochii will let you live."


AHhh well once again this is moving so fast we can hardly react here. Wow. Things definitely aren't slowing down in the slightest there and before Ellie can even properly process what's just happened, we've got someone coming up to threaten lives.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this chapter does once again start to suffer from being too fast because yet again we just aren't able to feel the consequences of what happened earlier and that honestly makes those earlier moments feel irrelevant and the tension is just drained out suddenly. Well, let's see what more happens in the times to come.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




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Fri Jan 27, 2023 5:04 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Ahh here is Chapter Six! It’s a little rude of the others to just have Charlotte free them all. Can’t one of the other kids with powers do it while Charlotte has time to grieve what happened? I guess they have to do this considering the circumstances. I hope that Ellie and Charlotte are able to make up. Then, Missy, the other kids, and the Henderson sisters could fight Queen Emerald!

I’ll look out for the next chapter.

I wish you an amazing day/night.




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Fri Jan 27, 2023 9:37 am
Zeno wrote a review...



Hi, I'm here to leave a review.

Code: Select all
"This sucks." said Maddie. "Charlotte, if you could-"

"I've just been stabbed, honestly, do you think I can free you right now?" Charlotte groaned and rolled over. Oh, what she wouldn't give to be back at home, listening to her favorite songs,  and eating Takis while sitting upside down on her favorite chair. If only.  But that was not the case.

"Come ON Charlotte," said Sam, glaring at her. "The faster you help us, the faster we can get out of here, and you survive..." Charlotte glared at them, but she scooted over and took out some of her magical fire power. She burned through the net, trying to keep it controlled. But using her power was just too much, and everything went dark...

This is a nice follow up from the end of the last chapter. The emotionless reaction of Sam upon Charlotte being stabbed had me an uneasy feeling. It was like Sam didn't care about Charlotte's situation at all. What surprises me even more is that Charlotte seemed to be ok with it.

Code: Select all
A loud knock came from the doors, and the sound echoed around the chamber for a few seconds. Emerald waited, but she gave in and opened the door. A short woman clad in black was waiting there.

"Emerald, I have to speak to you." she said. Emerald gave her a scathing look.

"That's queen emerald to you." she said, and shut the door.

This was quite a sudden jump from the plot as I was expecting a continuation for Charlotte's black out. This made me hard to follow at first and took me some re-readings to figure out that the "she" was the queen that sent Charlotte to the quest.

Code: Select all
"How could you?" asked Ellie the tenth time. Missy-as that was the Witch girls' name- glared at her. "I've already TOLD you, the queen is evil. What more do you need?" she asked.

"I'm glad you're so sure." snapped Ellie. "Because, back there, that didn't seem like the right decision."

"Must I remind what YOU did?" she asked. "Well-" began Ellie, but she was suddenly pushed against a tree. A man (knight?) had his sword pushed against her chest. "State your business." he said, "and maybe Queen Mochii will let you live." 

Ok we were introduced to a new character - Queen Mochii - now. This was a nice cliff hanger.

In conclusion, this chapter is a little confusing compared to the other chapters. I needed to spend more effort in order to understand the plot. Also, it seems the story is going in different directions, with characters that are not related to each other, it may be useful to make it clear how they are related to the story or how they are going to interact in the future. Overall, the chapter is well written and has potential, but it may benefit from a bit more clarity in terms of the plot and the characters' relationships.





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