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The Accidental Magic: chapter two

by foxmaster


That night, Charlotte and Ellie were sitting on the couch watching Netflix. Despite Charlotte's concerns, Ellie had decided that no protection was needed against the ghosts, and luckily, none had decided to make an appearance. Until... 

"Charlotte, won't you take the clothes out of the dryer?" asked Ellie, propping her feet up on the coffee table.

"Dryer? as in, basement dryer?" 

Ellie gave her a side-eye glance. "Duh. Haven't you been, like, living for the past few weeks?" 

"Fine, I'll do it if it makes you happy." Ellie patted her on the shoulder. 

"Great, then." 

Charlotte slunk down the stairs to the basement like a cat, as if that might make her smaller and harder for the ghosts to see. She shakily on the light, and then- it flickered and went out, leaving her in complete darkness.

She ran down the stairs and opened the door to the dryer so hard, it slammed against the cement wall with a loud clang that almost made her jump out of her skin. Charlotte took out all the clothes, and was about to go out of the dark corner, when... a ghost made it's presence known. Not a first, of course. It just flew around and played with her hair. She slowly turned around, and saw its face. 

Empty eye sockets, and a skeletal mouth grinned back at her. IT was covered in blood, and seemed as if it were halfway through the stages of decaying. Charlotte's scream logged in her throat. She forgot the clothes completely, and ran. She suddenly fell. 

Charlotte looked up, and saw she had fallen through some kind of trap door. It was hidden quite expertly. she thought. Until she realized she was still falling. Boom! She landed on soft grass, in the middle of a large field. Glimmering mountains that seemed as if they were made of diamonds were on one side. On the other was a large stage. 

"What the?" she asked. She noticed everyone sitting in front of the stage was staring at her. A queen in emerald robes was carrying a large cup, then suddenly her eyes glowed. She spoke in an oddly layered voice and said,

"The next person to gain magic is Charlotte Henderson."

~~~

 ELLIE

Ellie walked down the stairs to the basement. What was taking her sister so long? She creaked open the door, and a sight she had never seen befell her. A trapdoor in the floor was... glowing. She leaned over it, and accidentally fell in...

~~~

  "WHAT?" yelled Charlotte. "I'm getting WHAT?" The queen gave her a disdainful look.

"Come backstage with me." She snapped her fingers, and two other kids followed her. The queen sank into a soft chair. "Tea? Cream? Cookie?" she asked in a friendly tone. but anger flooded in. 

"This-" she pointed to a boy. "Is Toby. He got Magic powers." She then pointed to a blond girl in a fancy dress. "Is Maddie. she also got magic powers. But you know who didn't? The person who was supposed to." She leaned forward. 

"I swear I don't know what happened." said Charlotte. 

"Please," said Toby. 

"Fine." said the queen. she stood up, opened the curtain, and looked out. Then she screamed. EVryone was gone. 

"The witches-" she said breathlessly. "The witches took them."


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Thu Feb 02, 2023 6:33 am
dragonight9 wrote a review...



Hi again, still not completely sure how to do this but here are a few things I noticed while reading.

The first big thing was a grammar error in the 7th paragraph. "She shakily on the light" you meant to say "She shakily TURNED on the light" right?

Also when the queen is introducing Toby and Maddie you said This- is Toby..." Then later said "Is Maddie..." There should have been another "and this" in between. If you are making a list of names either don't include the "Is" at the start of every introduction after the first, or say "and this is" at the start of each, but that tends get tedious except when describing a specific attribute about each of them (like the fact Toby has magic powers).

Lastly, I was unsure if this was intentional (if it was really good job) but the story from the point where Ellie fell in onwards felt very confusing. This makes sense as no one understands the situation the character has just fallen into, and so long as this is explained well later on it is a good idea.

The last point was that there was a few connections and mysteries for the reader which I enjoyed. The fact that Ellie was probably taken by the witches 'offscreen' was cool when I realised it. Also, the mysterious ghost and apparent frustration of the queen were interesting. (perhaps the queen knows Charlotte somehow)

Overall I liked the chapter length this time and the story seems to be starting to kick off. Good job overall.




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Sun Jan 22, 2023 4:53 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Ah…so I’m guessing that Ellie was supposed to get magic. I wonder who the ghosts are. Could they have been the ghosts of past kids who weren’t supposed to get magic? Maybe they’re the witches or the witches’ victims. Or maybe none of the Henderson sisters were supposed to get magic. The Queen seems like a good guy, but she could be a secret villain. I can’t wait to read the other two chapters!

I wish you a lovely day/night.




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Sat Jan 21, 2023 7:39 am
Zeno wrote a review...



Hello, it's me again

This was an amazing follow up from chapter 1! The chapter length was good, and a lot of improvements have been made.

Code: Select all
"Charlotte, won't you take the clothes out of the dryer?" asked Ellie, propping her feet up on the coffee table.

"Dryer? as in, basement dryer?"

Ellie gave her a side-eye glance. "Duh. Haven't you been, like, living for the past few weeks?"

"Fine, I'll do it if it makes you happy." Ellie patted her on the shoulder.

"Great, then."


From this section, I can tell that the sisters indeed have a good relationship. It gives me a feeling that they will be partners instead of rivals as the story progresses.

Code: Select all
Charlotte slunk down the stairs to the basement like a cat, as if that might make her smaller and harder for the ghosts to see. She shakily on the light, and then- it flickered and went out, leaving her in complete darkness.

She ran down the stairs and opened the door to the dryer so hard, it slammed against the cement wall with a loud clang that almost made her jump out of her skin. Charlotte took out all the clothes, and was about to go out of the dark corner, when... a ghost made it's presence known. Not a first, of course. It just flew around and played with her hair. She slowly turned around, and saw its face.


This part of the story gave me a feeling that this novel might be a comedy-horror novel. The "flew around and played with her hair" gave it away. If this is what you're going for, then great! If it isn't, then I'd suggest adding more suspense.

Code: Select all
Charlotte looked up, and saw she had fallen through some kind of trap door. It was hidden quite expertly. she thought. Until she realized she was still falling. Boom! She landed on soft grass, in the middle of a large field. Glimmering mountains that seemed as if they were made of diamonds were on one side. On the other was a large stage.

"What the?" she asked. She noticed everyone sitting in front of the stage was staring at her. A queen in emerald robes was carrying a large cup, then suddenly her eyes glowed. She spoke in an oddly layered voice and said,

"The next person to gain magic is Charlotte Henderson."


This part of the story caught my attention. Now I'm curious about the sisters and the whole magical world.

Code: Select all
  "WHAT?" yelled Charlotte. "I'm getting WHAT?" The queen gave her a disdainful look.

"Come backstage with me." She snapped her fingers, and two other kids followed her. The queen sank into a soft chair. "Tea? Cream? Cookie?" she asked in a friendly tone. but anger flooded in.

"This-" she pointed to a boy. "Is Toby. He got Magic powers." She then pointed to a blond girl in a fancy dress. "Is Maddie. she also got magic powers. But you know who didn't? The person who was supposed to." She leaned forward.

"I swear I don't know what happened." said Charlotte.

"Please," said Toby.

"Fine." said the queen. she stood up, opened the curtain, and looked out. Then she screamed. EVryone was gone.

"The witches-" she said breathlessly. "The witches took them."


There's a glimpse of mystery here. I'm really excited about what's going to happen next. And, once again, based on the tone of Charlotte, it gave me a comedic feeling.

Overall, this is a great chapter 2. My only criticism is that the story doesn't quite link up with the mansion and the reason their parents were going to Rome, not yet at least. Chapter one and chapter two felt like two completely different stories. Other than that, great job!




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Fri Jan 20, 2023 6:29 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: It seems we've got ourselves a pretty neat followup to that first chapter here. I love quickly we're leaping into things here. There was a section that was maybe a bit too fast but honestly it still works really well here and I find myself very much wanting to continue reading. Charlotte and Ellie are also continuing to be pretty fun characters.

Anyway let's get right to it,

That night, Charlotte and Ellie were sitting on the couch watching Netflix. Despite Charlotte's concerns, Ellie had decided that no protection was needed against the ghosts, and luckily, none had decided to make an appearance. Until...

"Charlotte, won't you take the clothes out of the dryer?" asked Ellie, propping her feet up on the coffee table.

"Dryer? as in, basement dryer?"

Ellie gave her a side-eye glance. "Duh. Haven't you been, like, living for the past few weeks?"


Well this is going along nicely. It looks like after that little scare both of them have in fact just settled down there and they're both just doing normal enough chores there. I can't wait to see what we'll end up running into with the actual ghosts coming into play besides just those pranks from earlier.

"Fine, I'll do it if it makes you happy." Ellie patted her on the shoulder.

"Great, then."

Charlotte slunk down the stairs to the basement like a cat, as if that might make her smaller and harder for the ghosts to see. She shakily on the light, and then- it flickered and went out, leaving her in complete darkness.


Oooh love the way you portray that here. Its a very relatable thing to have this person be so cautious about it when having to do this whole thing alone as opposed to being relatively comfortable earlier when with Ellie. It adds a nice extra touch of personality to the whole thing.

She ran down the stairs and opened the door to the dryer so hard, it slammed against the cement wall with a loud clang that almost made her jump out of her skin. Charlotte took out all the clothes, and was about to go out of the dark corner, when... a ghost made it's presence known. Not a first, of course. It just flew around and played with her hair. She slowly turned around, and saw its face.

Empty eye sockets, and a skeletal mouth grinned back at her. IT was covered in blood, and seemed as if it were halfway through the stages of decaying. Charlotte's scream logged in her throat. She forgot the clothes completely, and ran. She suddenly fell.


Oh wow...that escalated quickly. I was not expecting to have a ghost that was quite that scary make an appearance so fast. It seemed like we were heading towards perhaps a few more simple haunting first but this is just leaping right into some quite terrifying things here and I can't wait to see where this takes us.

Charlotte looked up, and saw she had fallen through some kind of trap door. It was hidden quite expertly. she thought. Until she realized she was still falling. Boom! She landed on soft grass, in the middle of a large field. Glimmering mountains that seemed as if they were made of diamonds were on one side. On the other was a large stage.

"What the?" she asked. She noticed everyone sitting in front of the stage was staring at her. A queen in emerald robes was carrying a large cup, then suddenly her eyes glowed. She spoke in an oddly layered voice and said,

"The next person to gain magic is Charlotte Henderson."


Ooooh this is lovely. Well I suppose we get our answer to why the book happens to have this title. That's also definitely a really powerful plot twist right there. I was not expecting for this to immediately go into a situation this mysterious but I love it. It really gets us very much hooked and that's wonderful to have so early into the story.

ELLIE

Ellie walked down the stairs to the basement. What was taking her sister so long? She creaked open the door, and a sight she had never seen befell her. A trapdoor in the floor was... glowing. She leaned over it, and accidentally fell in...


Well that was easy. The first question I had was how Ellie was going to react to what must have been some interesting sounds going from the basement so her going to investigate is quite nice and then of course immediately falling into that same trap is a lovely way to ramp up the mystery again because we know have both of them falling in here.

"WHAT?" yelled Charlotte. "I'm getting WHAT?" The queen gave her a disdainful look.

"Come backstage with me." She snapped her fingers, and two other kids followed her. The queen sank into a soft chair. "Tea? Cream? Cookie?" she asked in a friendly tone. but anger flooded in.

"This-" she pointed to a boy. "Is Toby. He got Magic powers." She then pointed to a blond girl in a fancy dress. "Is Maddie. she also got magic powers. But you know who didn't? The person who was supposed to." She leaned forward.

"I swear I don't know what happened." said Charlotte.

"Please," said Toby.

"Fine." said the queen. she stood up, opened the curtain, and looked out. Then she screamed. EVryone was gone.

"The witches-" she said breathlessly. "The witches took them."


Oooooh bit plot twist here. This story is really moving fast here. Perhaps as bit too fast. I would maybe linger on this declaration and the reaction to it for just a little bit longer because right now we can hardly process this much like Charlotte before this woman is launching into this other mysterious tale that appears to be driving the plot forward. And while I love that and this cliffhanger it happens maybe a little too fast here and so the surprise of the whole magic declaration doesn't get to quite shine through properly here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think it makes for a pretty solid piece here. Its a good followup to the first chapter and it makes the story even more intriguing and the way this plot is shaping up here sounds like we'll have some pretty interesting things going down. I can't wait to see what happens next.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate





“A good book isn't written, it's rewritten.”
— Phyllis A. Whitney, Guide to Fiction Writing