Young Writers Society

Hi again, still not completely sure how to do this but here are a few things I noticed while reading.

The first big thing was a grammar error in the 7th paragraph. "She shakily on the light" you meant to say "She shakily TURNED on the light" right?

Also when the queen is introducing Toby and Maddie you said This- is Toby..." Then later said "Is Maddie..." There should have been another "and this" in between. If you are making a list of names either don't include the "Is" at the start of every introduction after the first, or say "and this is" at the start of each, but that tends get tedious except when describing a specific attribute about each of them (like the fact Toby has magic powers).

Lastly, I was unsure if this was intentional (if it was really good job) but the story from the point where Ellie fell in onwards felt very confusing. This makes sense as no one understands the situation the character has just fallen into, and so long as this is explained well later on it is a good idea.

The last point was that there was a few connections and mysteries for the reader which I enjoyed. The fact that Ellie was probably taken by the witches 'offscreen' was cool when I realised it. Also, the mysterious ghost and apparent frustration of the queen were interesting. (perhaps the queen knows Charlotte somehow)

Overall I liked the chapter length this time and the story seems to be starting to kick off. Good job overall.

Ah…so I’m guessing that Ellie was supposed to get magic. I wonder who the ghosts are. Could they have been the ghosts of past kids who weren’t supposed to get magic? Maybe they’re the witches or the witches’ victims. Or maybe none of the Henderson sisters were supposed to get magic. The Queen seems like a good guy, but she could be a secret villain. I can’t wait to read the other two chapters!

I wish you a lovely day/night.

Hello, it's me again

This was an amazing follow up from chapter 1! The chapter length was good, and a lot of improvements have been made.

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"Charlotte, won't you take the clothes out of the dryer?" asked Ellie, propping her feet up on the coffee table.

"Dryer? as in, basement dryer?"

Ellie gave her a side-eye glance. "Duh. Haven't you been, like, living for the past few weeks?"

"Fine, I'll do it if it makes you happy." Ellie patted her on the shoulder.

"Great, then."


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Charlotte slunk down the stairs to the basement like a cat, as if that might make her smaller and harder for the ghosts to see. She shakily on the light, and then- it flickered and went out, leaving her in complete darkness.

She ran down the stairs and opened the door to the dryer so hard, it slammed against the cement wall with a loud clang that almost made her jump out of her skin. Charlotte took out all the clothes, and was about to go out of the dark corner, when... a ghost made it's presence known. Not a first, of course. It just flew around and played with her hair. She slowly turned around, and saw its face.


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Charlotte looked up, and saw she had fallen through some kind of trap door. It was hidden quite expertly. she thought. Until she realized she was still falling. Boom! She landed on soft grass, in the middle of a large field. Glimmering mountains that seemed as if they were made of diamonds were on one side. On the other was a large stage.

"What the?" she asked. She noticed everyone sitting in front of the stage was staring at her. A queen in emerald robes was carrying a large cup, then suddenly her eyes glowed. She spoke in an oddly layered voice and said,

"The next person to gain magic is Charlotte Henderson."


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  "WHAT?" yelled Charlotte. "I'm getting WHAT?" The queen gave her a disdainful look.

"Come backstage with me." She snapped her fingers, and two other kids followed her. The queen sank into a soft chair. "Tea? Cream? Cookie?" she asked in a friendly tone. but anger flooded in.

"This-" she pointed to a boy. "Is Toby. He got Magic powers." She then pointed to a blond girl in a fancy dress. "Is Maddie. she also got magic powers. But you know who didn't? The person who was supposed to." She leaned forward.

"I swear I don't know what happened." said Charlotte.

"Please," said Toby.

"Fine." said the queen. she stood up, opened the curtain, and looked out. Then she screamed. EVryone was gone.

"The witches-" she said breathlessly. "The witches took them."


Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: It seems we've got ourselves a pretty neat followup to that first chapter here. I love quickly we're leaping into things here. There was a section that was maybe a bit too fast but honestly it still works really well here and I find myself very much wanting to continue reading. Charlotte and Ellie are also continuing to be pretty fun characters.

Anyway let's get right to it,

That night, Charlotte and Ellie were sitting on the couch watching Netflix. Despite Charlotte's concerns, Ellie had decided that no protection was needed against the ghosts, and luckily, none had decided to make an appearance. Until...

"Charlotte, won't you take the clothes out of the dryer?" asked Ellie, propping her feet up on the coffee table.

"Dryer? as in, basement dryer?"

Ellie gave her a side-eye glance. "Duh. Haven't you been, like, living for the past few weeks?"

"Fine, I'll do it if it makes you happy." Ellie patted her on the shoulder.

"Great, then."

Charlotte slunk down the stairs to the basement like a cat, as if that might make her smaller and harder for the ghosts to see. She shakily on the light, and then- it flickered and went out, leaving her in complete darkness.

She ran down the stairs and opened the door to the dryer so hard, it slammed against the cement wall with a loud clang that almost made her jump out of her skin. Charlotte took out all the clothes, and was about to go out of the dark corner, when... a ghost made it's presence known. Not a first, of course. It just flew around and played with her hair. She slowly turned around, and saw its face.

Empty eye sockets, and a skeletal mouth grinned back at her. IT was covered in blood, and seemed as if it were halfway through the stages of decaying. Charlotte's scream logged in her throat. She forgot the clothes completely, and ran. She suddenly fell.

Charlotte looked up, and saw she had fallen through some kind of trap door. It was hidden quite expertly. she thought. Until she realized she was still falling. Boom! She landed on soft grass, in the middle of a large field. Glimmering mountains that seemed as if they were made of diamonds were on one side. On the other was a large stage.

"What the?" she asked. She noticed everyone sitting in front of the stage was staring at her. A queen in emerald robes was carrying a large cup, then suddenly her eyes glowed. She spoke in an oddly layered voice and said,

"The next person to gain magic is Charlotte Henderson."

ELLIE

Ellie walked down the stairs to the basement. What was taking her sister so long? She creaked open the door, and a sight she had never seen befell her. A trapdoor in the floor was... glowing. She leaned over it, and accidentally fell in...

"WHAT?" yelled Charlotte. "I'm getting WHAT?" The queen gave her a disdainful look.

"Come backstage with me." She snapped her fingers, and two other kids followed her. The queen sank into a soft chair. "Tea? Cream? Cookie?" she asked in a friendly tone. but anger flooded in.

"This-" she pointed to a boy. "Is Toby. He got Magic powers." She then pointed to a blond girl in a fancy dress. "Is Maddie. she also got magic powers. But you know who didn't? The person who was supposed to." She leaned forward.

"I swear I don't know what happened." said Charlotte.

"Please," said Toby.

"Fine." said the queen. she stood up, opened the curtain, and looked out. Then she screamed. EVryone was gone.

"The witches-" she said breathlessly. "The witches took them."