Young Writers Society

Hi again, here's my next review.

Overall this did a good job of explaining a lot of the confusion in the last chapter, and the part about the rock at the end was a bit funny to me (I mean come on, it's a rock!). It seem a bit cliché but that's why they exist after all. They do a good job of building suspense.

I did notice a lot more grammatical errors in this one I'll list the ones I saw below:
"Alliances were. Trust was broken." What happened to the Alliances?
"lie in the regions of and of the clans' powers" the regions of What and of the clan's powers?
"the people had lifted off, theY had dropped the rock" the y in they is missing.

I was also interested to see what looked like two parts where you talked to the reader directly (unless the italics were just in the wrong spot). If it wasn't addressed to the reader who was speaking in these lines:
"Oooo. A quest."
"How disappointing." (this was before the queen said "Now go!")

Along with these suggestions I would like to add that reading your story out loud to yourself before posting is a great way to avoid grammar errors. If you read it out loud and it doesn't sound right try rephrasing it. (it helped me out a lot as I learned to write).

Other than that, I was surprised the queen expected Charlotte to be able/already know how to fly. (maybe having a small scene where she struggles with it or describes it in the next chapter would be great). Also, the Miniwings interested me since I imagined the kind of wings Hermes (the Greek god) has on his shoes.

Maybe Sam was supposed to get powers. He doesn’t seem to care though. If they aren’t allowed to use magic because it will make them evil, then why are they flying? Doesn’t that count as magic? Unless there is certain magic that will turn them evil, like using powers for their quest and certain magic that could be helpful, like flying. It’s all so interesting and I can’t wait to read the next chapter.

I wish you an amazing day/night.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This story is plodding along quite nicely here. Its maybe on the faster side of things, but for the most part it really is jumping from exciting point to exciting point and I am loving the vibes so far.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Ellie crouched behind a rock, her mind whirling.

Witches?

magic? Her sister had magic??

Today was not her day, she thought.

She had heard the witches come. She had not watched. I must follow Charlotte. Ellie thought. No harm may come to her.

"Witches?" Charlotte asked. She sat down in the nearest seat, her head aching.

"Ohhh right, you're from another world," said Maddie. "I forgot about that. you see... so. Back in the old days, everyone had magic powers. They were sorted elementally. Fire, water, air, and land. But then... someone found a magic gem. Everyone wanted it. War began. Alliances were. Trust was broken. One group of murderers and traitors got their hands on it. They got all the powers... even ones that were unimaginable. However, that magic came at price. It turned them evil, and they formed their own society. They called themselves Witches. Fueled by their actions, everyone else followed their footsteps, and made their own clans. Magic dwindled. Now, from the sorcerers of old, there are the clans made from the powers. I am from the air clan. Toby here is from the fire clan."

"Best clan." Toby pointed out.

"And we have to save everybody!!!!" yelled Maddie.

"YOU SAY!" yelled someone. They all turned around and saw a person standing behind them.

"Sam?" asked Toby. "What are you doing here? Haven't the witches captured everyone?"

Sam shrugged. "I skipped the ceremony. Everyone knows I wouldn't have gotten powers anyway."

"Well, then." said the queen. "I believe you all have a quest to go on."

Oooo. A quest. "A QUEST!" Charlotte yelled. "I love it!"

The queen sighed. "Now, the Witches can steal your magic! They can sense it, so do not do any spells near the terrain of the Witch clan territory. You all need... a spell book, this potion, and this rock... and food and a few tent!"

Charlotte raised an eyebrow. "can't we just-" she waved her hands overdramatically. "Magic it up?"

Maddie snorted. "That does not lie in the regions of and of the clans' powers, so unless you want to turn evil, no."

How disappointing. "Now go!" said the queen.

Everyone except for Sam and Charlotte began flying.

"oh, you can fly, Charlotte." said the queen. "Sam, here are some Miniwings you can put on, I expect you'll be needing them."

Ellie noticed that when one of the people had lifted off, the had dropped the rock. Ellie had no idea how she was going to follow everyone, but when the coast was clear, she ran and she picked up the rock. Little did she know, all their fates rested on that rock.

Hi! I saw your review on my novel. Thanks for reviewing

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"Ohhh right, you're from another world," said Maddie. "I forgot about that. you see... so. Back in the old days, everyone had magic powers. They were sorted elementally. Fire, water, air, and land. But then... someone found a magic gem. Everyone wanted it. War began. Alliances were. Trust was broken. One group of murderers and traitors got their hands on it. They got all the powers... even ones that were unimaginable. However, that magic came at  price. It turned them evil, and they formed their own society. They called themselves Witches. Fueled by their actions, everyone else followed their footsteps, and made their own clans. Magic dwindled. Now, from the sorcerers of old, there are the clans made from the powers. I am from the air clan. Toby here is from the fire clan."


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"Best clan." Toby pointed out.

"And we have to save everybody!!!!" yelled Maddie.

"YOU SAY!" yelled someone. They all turned around and saw a person standing behind them.

"Sam?" asked Toby. "What are you doing here? Haven't the witches captured everyone?"

Sam shrugged. "I skipped the ceremony. Everyone knows I wouldn't have gotten powers anyway."

"Well, then." said the queen. "I believe you all have a quest to go on."

Oooo. A quest. "A QUEST!" Charlotte yelled. "I love it!"

The queen sighed. "Now, the Witches can steal your magic! They can sense it, so do not do any spells near the terrain of the Witch clan territory. You all need... a spell book, this potion, and this rock... and food and a few tent!"


Code: Select all

Ellie noticed that when one of the people had lifted off, the had dropped the rock. Ellie had no idea how she was going to follow everyone, but when the coast was clear, she ran and she picked up the rock. Little did she know, all their fates rested on that rock.