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The Accidental Magic: Chapter three

by foxmaster


ELLIE

Ellie crouched behind a rock, her mind whirling. 

Witches?

magic? Her sister had magic??

Today was not her day, she thought. 

She had heard the witches come. She had not watched. I must follow Charlotte. Ellie thought. No harm may come to her. 

CHARLOTTE

"Witches?" Charlotte asked. She sat down in the nearest seat, her head aching. 

"Ohhh right, you're from another world," said Maddie. "I forgot about that. you see... so. Back in the old days, everyone had magic powers. They were sorted elementally. Fire, water, air, and land. But then... someone found a magic gem. Everyone wanted it. War began. Alliances were. Trust was broken. One group of murderers and traitors got their hands on it. They got all the powers... even ones that were unimaginable. However, that magic came at  price. It turned them evil, and they formed their own society. They called themselves Witches. Fueled by their actions, everyone else followed their footsteps, and made their own clans. Magic dwindled. Now, from the sorcerers of old, there are the clans made from the powers. I am from the air clan. Toby here is from the fire clan."

"Best clan." Toby pointed out. 

"And we have to save everybody!!!!" yelled Maddie.

"YOU SAY!" yelled someone. They all turned around and saw a person standing behind them. 

"Sam?" asked Toby. "What are you doing here? Haven't the witches captured everyone?" 

Sam shrugged. "I skipped the ceremony. Everyone knows I wouldn't have gotten powers anyway."

"Well, then." said the queen. "I believe you all have a quest to go on." 

Oooo. A quest. "A QUEST!" Charlotte yelled. "I love it!"

The queen sighed. "Now, the Witches can steal your magic! They can sense it, so do not do any spells near the terrain of the Witch clan territory. You all need... a spell book, this potion, and this rock... and food and a few tent!" 

Charlotte raised an eyebrow. "can't we just-" she waved her hands overdramatically. "Magic it up?" 

Maddie snorted. "That does not lie in the regions of and of the clans' powers, so unless you want to turn evil, no." 

How disappointing. "Now go!" said the queen. 

Everyone except for Sam and Charlotte began flying. 

"oh, you can fly, Charlotte." said the queen. "Sam, here are some Miniwings you can put on, I expect you'll be needing them." 

ELLIE

Ellie noticed that when one of the people had lifted off, the had dropped the rock. Ellie had no idea how she was going to follow everyone, but when the coast was clear, she ran and she picked up the rock. Little did she know, all their fates rested on that rock.


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Fri Feb 03, 2023 5:32 am
dragonight9 wrote a review...



Hi again, here's my next review.

Overall this did a good job of explaining a lot of the confusion in the last chapter, and the part about the rock at the end was a bit funny to me (I mean come on, it's a rock!). It seem a bit cliché but that's why they exist after all. They do a good job of building suspense.

I did notice a lot more grammatical errors in this one I'll list the ones I saw below:
"Alliances were. Trust was broken." What happened to the Alliances?
"lie in the regions of and of the clans' powers" the regions of What and of the clan's powers?
"the people had lifted off, theY had dropped the rock" the y in they is missing.

I was also interested to see what looked like two parts where you talked to the reader directly (unless the italics were just in the wrong spot). If it wasn't addressed to the reader who was speaking in these lines:
"Oooo. A quest."
"How disappointing." (this was before the queen said "Now go!")

Along with these suggestions I would like to add that reading your story out loud to yourself before posting is a great way to avoid grammar errors. If you read it out loud and it doesn't sound right try rephrasing it. (it helped me out a lot as I learned to write).

Other than that, I was surprised the queen expected Charlotte to be able/already know how to fly. (maybe having a small scene where she struggles with it or describes it in the next chapter would be great). Also, the Miniwings interested me since I imagined the kind of wings Hermes (the Greek god) has on his shoes.




foxmaster says...


oh, dear, I forgot about the rock. Wat kind of author am I?



dragonight9 says...


Lol, the human kind.



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Mon Jan 23, 2023 1:01 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Maybe Sam was supposed to get powers. He doesn’t seem to care though. If they aren’t allowed to use magic because it will make them evil, then why are they flying? Doesn’t that count as magic? Unless there is certain magic that will turn them evil, like using powers for their quest and certain magic that could be helpful, like flying. It’s all so interesting and I can’t wait to read the next chapter.

I wish you an amazing day/night.




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Sat Jan 21, 2023 6:46 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This story is plodding along quite nicely here. Its maybe on the faster side of things, but for the most part it really is jumping from exciting point to exciting point and I am loving the vibes so far.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Ellie crouched behind a rock, her mind whirling.

Witches?

magic? Her sister had magic??

Today was not her day, she thought.

She had heard the witches come. She had not watched. I must follow Charlotte. Ellie thought. No harm may come to her.


Well that's quite a lot there. I love how well Ellie is handling this at the moment. It almost seems like maybe she knows a little bit more about what's going on here than Charlotte at the moment, although it is still tough to say just from that one mention about the witches there.

"Witches?" Charlotte asked. She sat down in the nearest seat, her head aching.

"Ohhh right, you're from another world," said Maddie. "I forgot about that. you see... so. Back in the old days, everyone had magic powers. They were sorted elementally. Fire, water, air, and land. But then... someone found a magic gem. Everyone wanted it. War began. Alliances were. Trust was broken. One group of murderers and traitors got their hands on it. They got all the powers... even ones that were unimaginable. However, that magic came at price. It turned them evil, and they formed their own society. They called themselves Witches. Fueled by their actions, everyone else followed their footsteps, and made their own clans. Magic dwindled. Now, from the sorcerers of old, there are the clans made from the powers. I am from the air clan. Toby here is from the fire clan."


Hmm this isn't too bad here, but its a little bit of an info dump there. Given its in chapter three and it does sort of blend into this piece its not too bad at the moment but you still probably want to be careful when it comes to quite this much information being thrown into things here.

"Best clan." Toby pointed out.

"And we have to save everybody!!!!" yelled Maddie.

"YOU SAY!" yelled someone. They all turned around and saw a person standing behind them.

"Sam?" asked Toby. "What are you doing here? Haven't the witches captured everyone?"

Sam shrugged. "I skipped the ceremony. Everyone knows I wouldn't have gotten powers anyway."


Okay that was an interesting entrance there. For a moment I was worried that was going to be someone more on the evil side of things but it looks like that is not what is going on at the moment. Well, let's see where this is going here.

"Well, then." said the queen. "I believe you all have a quest to go on."

Oooo. A quest. "A QUEST!" Charlotte yelled. "I love it!"

The queen sighed. "Now, the Witches can steal your magic! They can sense it, so do not do any spells near the terrain of the Witch clan territory. You all need... a spell book, this potion, and this rock... and food and a few tent!"

Charlotte raised an eyebrow. "can't we just-" she waved her hands overdramatically. "Magic it up?"

Maddie snorted. "That does not lie in the regions of and of the clans' powers, so unless you want to turn evil, no."

How disappointing. "Now go!" said the queen.

Everyone except for Sam and Charlotte began flying.

"oh, you can fly, Charlotte." said the queen. "Sam, here are some Miniwings you can put on, I expect you'll be needing them."


Okay this feels a tiny bit rushed here. Not necessarily bad again, but jumping into this quest so quickly feels a little too rushed again. I feel like maybe we need to get a bit more used to this new normal with this whole witch thing and quests.

Ellie noticed that when one of the people had lifted off, the had dropped the rock. Ellie had no idea how she was going to follow everyone, but when the coast was clear, she ran and she picked up the rock. Little did she know, all their fates rested on that rock.


Well that's quite the statement to end on. Love that we're continuing to get more and more cliffhangers here at the end of this. Its definitely making us want to continue here. And having Ellie just following behind them in general is a really intriguing plot line here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think we've got ourselves a pretty solid chapter once again right here. It continues the vibes from the previous ones pretty well. The only issue again is the pacing being a little on the faster side, but it remains interesting enough that I definitely find myself wanting to see more.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




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Sat Jan 21, 2023 8:26 am
Zeno wrote a review...



Hi! I saw your review on my novel. Thanks for reviewing :)

Code: Select all
"Ohhh right, you're from another world," said Maddie. "I forgot about that. you see... so. Back in the old days, everyone had magic powers. They were sorted elementally. Fire, water, air, and land. But then... someone found a magic gem. Everyone wanted it. War began. Alliances were. Trust was broken. One group of murderers and traitors got their hands on it. They got all the powers... even ones that were unimaginable. However, that magic came at  price. It turned them evil, and they formed their own society. They called themselves Witches. Fueled by their actions, everyone else followed their footsteps, and made their own clans. Magic dwindled. Now, from the sorcerers of old, there are the clans made from the powers. I am from the air clan. Toby here is from the fire clan."


This is thrilling. Immediately we are introduced to the world. The powers grouped by elements and the dark gem that turns people evil is a somewhat familiar idea, but it is creative enough to hook me up. Also, just saying here that you might have forgotten to add something after the "Alliances were".

Code: Select all
"Best clan." Toby pointed out.

"And we have to save everybody!!!!" yelled Maddie.

"YOU SAY!" yelled someone. They all turned around and saw a person standing behind them.

"Sam?" asked Toby. "What are you doing here? Haven't the witches captured everyone?"

Sam shrugged. "I skipped the ceremony. Everyone knows I wouldn't have gotten powers anyway."

"Well, then." said the queen. "I believe you all have a quest to go on."

Oooo. A quest. "A QUEST!" Charlotte yelled. "I love it!"

The queen sighed. "Now, the Witches can steal your magic! They can sense it, so do not do any spells near the terrain of the Witch clan territory. You all need... a spell book, this potion, and this rock... and food and a few tent!"


Sam, Toby and Maddie sounded like children to me. And the queen portrayed a mother figure guiding her children. Overall, this novel so far gave me a feeling that it is a children's fairy tale. If this is the tone you wished for, then you've done a great job!

Code: Select all
Ellie noticed that when one of the people had lifted off, the had dropped the rock. Ellie had no idea how she was going to follow everyone, but when the coast was clear, she ran and she picked up the rock. Little did she know, all their fates rested on that rock.


This is a great way to end a chapter. The subtle mystery about a rock leaves people wanting more!

Overall, you've added a great ton of mystery to this chapter. I'm looking forward for chapter 4!





Some call me a legacy, others call me a hero. But I assure you, dear admirers, I am only human.
— Persistence