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Violence

The Accidental Magic: Chapter 5

by foxmaster


They had all been walking for hours and the tunnels never seemed to stop. Until... CRASH! Charlotte got slammed into the wall and the whole world seemed to spin around her. The wind had gotten knocked out of her. A wyvern tore through the wall and gave a screech that set her teeth on edge. Maddie screamed. 

"WHAT DO WE DO?!" she asked hysterically. 

Charlotte thought for a moment, then it hit her. "OUR MAGIC!" she yelled, and summoned fire to her hands. She zapped it on the Wyvern. CRACK! The tunnel began to cave in. 

"We have to run!" Yelled Maddie. They all dashed out of the tunnel as fast as they could. 

"AHHH!" yelled Charlotte. She was falling through a hole. "Hold on!" yelled somebody, but she couldn't tell who. She tried to use her powers, but she couldn't focus. She panicked. 

"Shoot!" yelled Toby, and he was falling beside her. Maddie and Sam followed. BOOM! they all landed on the soft ground. They were back where they started.

ELLIE

"What price?" she asked. The girl narrowed her eyes.

"You have to stop your sister from working with the queen." said the girl coldly. 

"WHAT THE-" she yelled. 

"The queen is evil. She's the QUEEN of the WITCHES." Yelled the girl. She clasped Ellie's hand, her nails digging into her skin. "OW!" yelled Ellie. Suddenly, they were on a large cliff. 

"Ellie?" asked Charlotte. She was staring at her and the witch girl. 

"do it." hissed the girl. She handed Ellie something small; she couldn't determine what it was. Ellie tossed it at the two boys and a girl, and a net sprung out and trapped them. 

"WHAT?" Charlotte asked. "I'll take care of your sister." said the girl. And then it happened. Ellie watched as suddenly the girl took out a small knife and stabbed Charlotte right in the stomach. Charlotte screamed, blood pooling around her. 

"Come on," said the girl, and they disappeared from the scene. Ellie couldn't forget Charlotte's look in her eyes, full of betrayal.  It was only later that she questioned wether she made the right desicion.


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Sun Feb 05, 2023 6:41 am
dragonight9 wrote a review...



Wow! What the heck just happened?!

You definitely grabbed my attention and made me want to read more with this chapter.

The revelation that Wyverns exist in this world and their narrow escape definitely got me excited but the next part caught me by surprise as their situation only got worse.

It didn't really seem like a betrayal to me though since Ellie seemed to have no idea what she was doing. Then she went with the violet eyed girl and I was a bit confused. This girl she had no reason to trust just told her someone she assumed to be good was evil then teleported to her sister and stabbed her, perhaps killing her, and she followed her?! Even if she did believe the girl I would have expected more conflict within her or at least some kind of solid decision or reason for just trusting what this stranger told her to the point with being ok to stab her sister.

I know she later questioned her decision (desicion was spelled wrong by the way), but it didn't seem like she had made a decision in the first place.
If things were simply moving too fast for her (I felt that as a reader so it would totally have made sense) then it should have looked more like Ellie was being pulled along rather than willingly leaving her sister to die.

All this is to say it felt like you rushed to get to the point and didn't allow time for feelings to develop between characters and each other or the reader. Don't be worried about cranking out a new chapter or getting to the point. Take your time and have fun watching your characters interact with eachother.

Despite that, the feeling in this chapter was on point and refreshed my desire to keep reading as any good story should.




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Wed Jan 25, 2023 3:47 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



If the girl is a witch and The Queen is the Queen of witches, then why would she want to stop her? Unless the girl is a good witch. I thought that there was a sixth chapter, but now I don’t see any. What happened? I’m getting really interested in this story. I think that the Queen might provoke Charlotte to hurt Ellie after what happened…In any case, Ellie should be careful.

I wish you a lovely day/night.




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Tue Jan 24, 2023 6:31 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is quite the continuation from our previous chapter here. That set up something big to come, but I really wasn't expecting it to go this far this quickly. I probably shouldn't be surprised given the pacing of this but this one really hits you very hard as a reader. I think you handle it quite well there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

They had all been walking for hours and the tunnels never seemed to stop. Until... CRASH! Charlotte got slammed into the wall and the whole world seemed to spin around her. The wind had gotten knocked out of her. A wyvern tore through the wall and gave a screech that set her teeth on edge. Maddie screamed.

"WHAT DO WE DO?!" she asked hysterically.

Charlotte thought for a moment, then it hit her. "OUR MAGIC!" she yelled, and summoned fire to her hands. She zapped it on the Wyvern. CRACK! The tunnel began to cave in.


Well that was quick. I was not expecting things to end up going quite so badly for our protagonists here but wow, things are certainly getting underway here and getting underway quite fast at that. Love the way we leap into this one though. For once, the faster pacing actually plays to this story's advantage in this moment.

"We have to run!" Yelled Maddie. They all dashed out of the tunnel as fast as they could.

"AHHH!" yelled Charlotte. She was falling through a hole. "Hold on!" yelled somebody, but she couldn't tell who. She tried to use her powers, but she couldn't focus. She panicked.

"Shoot!" yelled Toby, and he was falling beside her. Maddie and Sam followed. BOOM! they all landed on the soft ground. They were back where they started.


Well...things really do be tumbling down here and tumbling down quite fast there. I think you do a pretty decent job of showcasing how one would react in a situation this surprising, especially for people who clearly don't seem to exactly have the most experience in handling situations like this one.

"What price?" she asked. The girl narrowed her eyes.

"You have to stop your sister from working with the queen." said the girl coldly.

"WHAT THE-" she yelled.

"The queen is evil. She's the QUEEN of the WITCHES." Yelled the girl. She clasped Ellie's hand, her nails digging into her skin. "OW!" yelled Ellie. Suddenly, they were on a large cliff.

"Ellie?" asked Charlotte. She was staring at her and the witch girl.


Okayyy well here we go. Our other arc is starting to mesh with the original one and things are really heating up in here wow. We are certainly not cutting back on anything with the way things are proceeding here. I am loving the chaos that's being spread as a result of it. This chapter is really thriving in the mayhem.

"do it." hissed the girl. She handed Ellie something small; she couldn't determine what it was. Ellie tossed it at the two boys and a girl, and a net sprung out and trapped them.

"WHAT?" Charlotte asked. "I'll take care of your sister." said the girl. And then it happened. Ellie watched as suddenly the girl took out a small knife and stabbed Charlotte right in the stomach. Charlotte screamed, blood pooling around her.

"Come on," said the girl, and they disappeared from the scene. Ellie couldn't forget Charlotte's look in her eyes, full of betrayal. It was only later that she questioned wether she made the right desicion.


Oh wow I did not see that one coming. Things really taking quite the turn with that particular move. Betrayal is definitely a rather powerful tool to use and seeing it happen quite so powerfully here is quite the move. Definitely the biggest of the cliffhangers of what we've seen so far.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a strong moment in this story here. It looks like its going to be an event that really drives the rest of the plot to come here. I can't wait to see where you end up going with this. There's just so many questions to answer now.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




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Tue Jan 24, 2023 1:30 am
Zeno wrote a review...



Hi, I'm here to leave a review.

Code: Select all
Charlotte thought for a moment, then it hit her. "OUR MAGIC!" she yelled, and summoned fire to her hands. She zapped it on the Wyvern. CRACK! The tunnel began to cave in.

"We have to run!" Yelled Maddie. They all dashed out of the tunnel as fast as they could.

"AHHH!" yelled Charlotte. She was falling through a hole. "Hold on!" yelled somebody, but she couldn't tell who. She tried to use her powers, but she couldn't focus. She panicked.

"Shoot!" yelled Toby, and he was falling beside her. Maddie and Sam followed. BOOM! they all landed on the soft ground. They were back where they started.

Amazing! We're finally introduced the magic the characters have been possessing this whole time! The characters using their magic to fight the Wyvern is exciting. However, the scene where the characters fall through a hole and end up back where they started is a bit confusing and doesn't seem to add much to the story.

Code: Select all
"The queen is evil. She's the QUEEN of the WITCHES." Yelled the girl. She clasped Ellie's hand, her nails digging into her skin. "OW!" yelled Ellie. Suddenly, they were on a large cliff.

Ooh! This is exciting! This scene is intense and dramatic, with the girl's revelation that the queen is evil and her demand that Ellie stop her sister from working with the queen adding a new layer of complexity to the story.

Code: Select all
"WHAT?" Charlotte asked. "I'll take care of your sister." said the girl. And then it happened. Ellie watched as suddenly the girl took out a small knife and stabbed Charlotte right in the stomach. Charlotte screamed, blood pooling around her.

Finally, the betrayal and stabbing of Charlotte is a shocking and emotional moment. I was shocked and concerned for the characters upon reading it. This doesn't feel like a children's fairy tale anymore.

As a conclusion, I agree that this chapter is comparatively fast-paced than the previous chapters. With that said, the story is getting more and more exciting and I'm definitely looking forward to the next chapter!




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Mon Jan 23, 2023 11:20 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



Hello, and belated welcome to the site! I hope you're having a great day or night!

This chapter was certainly explosive, and I loved it! The drama between the two siblings is very compelling, especially since the reader can't be sure who is right in all this. I would've liked to spend more time on this, perhaps lingering a bit longer on the moment of betrayal, or drawing out when exactly it's meant to happen. As great as this already it, I did feel it escalated rather quickly.

I'm super curious about the witch girl, and what role she plays in all of this! I hope we get more about her in later chapters. She seems to be erring on the side of evil, considering she, y'know, stabbed Charlotte. But I do wonder if there is more to her than meets the eye.

You're very good at writing brief descriptions that connect us to the characters, like here-

they all landed on the soft ground.


-and here-

She clasped Ellie's hand, her nails digging into her skin.


-and you have a ton of super interesting ideas! Your characters, plot, and world are all a heck ton of fun, and I can't wait to see how you flesh all this out in future chapters! However, I also feel that at any given moment, you are already three steps ahead of the reader. You don't give any of the characters time to breathe, and instead, usher them onto the next conflict.

Let your characters exist in the moment. Set the scene, and hone in on specific emotions they're feeling. Then, when the action picks up, your reader is on the very edge of their seat. For example, don't sum up hours of travel in one sentence. Make your readers feel how wary and exhausted your characters are. Describe how monotonous the tunnels seem. Then, when the wyrvern comes barreling onto the scene, there is a visible shift in the pacing.

However, you've done an absolutely stellar job in getting me invested in this story! I want to see these characters to succeed, and learn how their juxtaposing missions come to a head. How will Charlotte survive the coming chapters? Will they be able to escape the tunnels with such an extreme injury? Who is the witch girl?

If there is one thing you've done completely right, it's offering the reader numerous questions to latch onto. I hope to see them answered soon! With all that said, keep on writing, and have a fantastic day/night! :D




foxmaster says...


thank you for the kind reviews! I will definitely keep that in mind.




Books give a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything
— Plato