you are a hole of the way things should be, a taste of a home i never knew and never got the chance to squander like so many others have done. it’s the way you’ve always been like cigarette-butt burns in the skin like someone took a hole punch to your leg and punched, punching away, leaving maroon and salmonella bruises mottled to perfection, and the way you place your feet looks like you’re trying to run away from me, just like everything else in this ruination of a life and i think you lie when you promise me that you’ve never- been a dancer- i mean, just look at the way you place your feet! the stars wink when you make your promises, like they’re in on the whole charade, but indoors is too confining and final, voices echoing back in the closeness of the walls, and the whole earth breathes through the crack in the door and i can hear it… wheezing, so yes, outdoors is so much better, even if the snide stars do wink, snickering, but i don’t care: they’ve always looked like glowing cigarette butts anyway, and they’ve always had a home, even if they choose to leave it in flaming fury like so many others have done. i know one of these stars will point the way your feet faced when you leave me like the leaves will leave these trees around us because it’s almost fall again, and the aspens will strike and scratch the sky in their bareness and leave scars that, if you could see them, would look like the lines aeroplanes leave behind and float away so silently like where do the leaves go anyway? if i can find that place, will i find you there when you leave me?
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi fortis!
This is a really beautiful piece, and it felt dark and hollow to me. I love the way it just continues on but at the same time it doesn't feel like it's dragging on.
I liked how you described the stars as glowing cigarette butts, especially after you already used cigarette butts earlier, so even though the narrator is thinking of the stars, it's actually one thing the entire way through that other things relate back to. I thought it was the same with the stars leaving their home, and it was earlier mentioned that people squander home as well. I'm not sure if linking the beginning to the middle/end of the poem was intentional, but I thought that really added to the poem as a whole, and helped me connect with the narrator and all thoughts leading back to one.
This was the only part that didn't seem to work well for me. Even though it's a train of thought, the break here (never- been a dancer) doesn't feel very natural. If there's a break, I generally think that it's to abruptly change track, but that doesn't happen here. I think the second break is alright, because it's going to a different topic, and it feels like it belongs there. I also thought that the second part of that sounded a little strange as well. I feel like it would've worked better as something like, "I could tell by the way you placed your feet", but maybe it doesn't work as well for what you're going for.
Anyway, this was a very cool poem, and it somehow made me feel a little empty after reading it as well. I really loved the way you finished it off with the falling leaves and trying to find where they go. It's just beautiful all around, and I think you've done a very nice job with it.
-Falc
Thanks for the review <3
The part that you mentioned was an unnatural break was 100% supposed to be that way. I'm so glad you felt it, because that's what I was trying to go for.
The train of thought was going to something else like: "and i think you lie when you promise me that you%u2019ve never wanted to run away from me, I mean, just look at the way you place your feet" or something like that, but the speaker thought it exposed them too much and so she quickly covered it up with something like dancing. So it was a break from the honesty that the reader is getting with a quickly and hastily covered lie. c:
I'm glad you enjoyed it ^^
The title was out of my understanding and the reason no one reviewed yet and its sad cause the work is good.
Sorry to say but what you had in your mind wasn't portrayed well but yes on reading we do get a glimpse of it.
The mistakes that made this diamond look like a glass:
"you are a hole of the way things should be"
okay so what does "hole" means here maybe its a mistake and "whole" should be written instead.
"it’s the way you’ve always been like cigarette-butt burns in the skin like someone took a hole punch to your leg and punched, punching away"
you should have rephrased it or put a "." after "always been" and a comma after "in the skin"
and "whole" instead of "hole" and what do you mean when you wrote "and punched , punching away"
On second reading i was able to understand everything except the mistakes in sentence formation and i found the whole thing extraordinary, the examples and the details are amazing and the last line was touching and i loved it and a reader will love it too.
Plot was full of love and romance but you must know
First impression is the last one. and the first impression of it isn't that good and most people won't read it again and it will be such a calamity to not read something like this.
Great Work but remember what i pointed out or you are killing a beautiful piece of yours yourself.
Everything you pointed out was 100% intentional. The poem is supposed to be very train-of-thought, so for that reason, I made it pretty much two long sentences with an introduction sentence. This is because many times in our own thoughts, we don't think in nice little sentences, we think in emotions and images that don't have set punctuation. "Hole" is definitely supposed to be "hole." This poem is very much about emptiness and loss and not everything is supposed to make sense logically, but every word should give you an idea of what the narrator is feeling. "Hole" is a very empty word, while "whole" feels full.
Thanks for the review!