even our traces forgot our names and eyes

Hi fortis,

So I'm guessing they don't assign moderator positions based on creative thinking and writing ability. Because this is about as developed as a infant who just soiled his diaper. Lucky for you, toddlers grow up to be functioning independent entities.

Right off the bat, "her face is a tragedy". I don't really care how great the poem might be after that, you ruined it completely within the first three lines. Almost impressive in a way. Why did you feel the need to shove the intended emotion down the reader's gullet like a goose being prepared for foie gras? If you had started that second stanza with the crying, it would have been a more powerful opening salvo because it would have allowed us to see what's going on for ourselves. Readers are not stupid. It's dangerous to ever assume that.

I'm also getting a sense here that you're trying to establish continuity between different images; it's not working. To give an example, "filled at last like the shadow of dusk or overflowing riverbanks". The riverbanks are fine but how does a shadow of dusk fill? I'm not saying it's not possible, I'm saying you have done an embarrassing and elementary job of trying to convince the reader that this is a workable image. Same thing for "breathes galaxies and whispers wind through trees"; our thoughts are dragged too quick from the electric canopy of a vast galaxy through the more subdued environment of a forest without much reason being given or a bridge being built. Flow is important - not just for words themselves but for ideas as well.

@PenginAttack is absolutely right; the line breaks destroy whatever redeeming quality this piece may have had. It seems to this reader that you inserted line breaks in random positions because God Dangit That's The Way Poems Should Be! That's wrong, and a common error. Every time we start to take an idea (for example "as her eyes turn red") and really imagine it vividly, the rug is pulled out from under us and a new line is formed. This is extremely disconcerting. The human mind is not a machine able to parse an idea at will at whatever speeds we want, it is a more fragile thing that necessitates a gentle wind to weave a powerful picture and get it embedded in the psyche before a new one comes along. This can be done by letting the poem breathe naturally. Next time, read the draft to yourself and really decide honestly if it has a flow that either a) is smooth or b) is choppy in a way that efficiently complements the theme the work is trying to convey. Right now it's neither.

Strike a match into this and let it burn. Inhaling the byproducts of carbonation would be less painful than trying to decipher any meaning and purpose to this poem.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Yo Forticuno,

As I said earlier in chat, this poem has a very nice heavy disquiet to it that I'm a very big fan of. I also really like what you're doing with format here. It feels like breath, in and out in slow waves, which really suits what you're doing content-wise.

I am a big big fan of the connection between your italics and the later eyes going red watching the stars, it's delicious and cyclical and a bit meta depending on how you read it and that's some very nice work. I think it sticks out as well because the disquiet you have here is heavily influenced by the disjointed feel of the stanzas. They work in that they present this staggered feeling of slowly moving forward, like being in a bunnyhopping car. It doesn't work for me though in that I think it detracts from the feelings I receive from the poem? I'm not as well connected so I feel a bit empty from it.

I think your final line reinforces the unpolished feeling that your poem has. I think I understand what you're going for, I think you want the disquiet and the slightly uncomfortable sheen that the poem has. That bit is definitely working - like we're looking through a slightly foggy lens into the street and watching this happening, half understanding and half not. I really like that element, I feel in tune with it. I don't feel in tune with the sawed off sentences and fractured images. It's unfortunate because I think that the disquiet is heavily influenced by those elements I don't feel as individual pieces. Your first stanza, though, is the biggest culprit, I think that is just a step too far in the direction I don't follow in. Probably if you could smooth out the final two lines I could be on board. I'd suggest losing the "and" and the full stop from the second last line and then adding perhaps a "now" to the final line. I like that there is almost no punctuation otherwise and it didn't suit, having two lines together with such finality. Your poem isn't a finality, it's a slow moving river. Or rather the river under ice, all speed and ferocity calmed down so that we, the people, can interact with it.

So I like it but also don't like it? I'm sorry this is so awful of me to say! I hope I kind of helped though.

<3

Fortiiiiis! Lemme review your poetry like it deserves to be reviewed~ <3

I can't find any nitpicks to point out other than a lack of punctuation (which I'm assuming is deliberate?), so moving on to flow and stuff.

her face is a tragedy
she cries alone in a car
the rain stands on her shoulders
and the sunset melts through the window.
drops of evening.

bullet casings
or scat
wrinkle her nose
as she breathes galaxies
and whispers wind through trees

still in the nighttime
owls may hoot or frogs croak
or there’s that stiller-than-silence
that the thick snowbanks bring

striking matches against
brittle far-off mountains
the sun was made of glass
and the moon of paper…

This is an amazing poem and it was very touching! I like your details! It is very vivid and I love it! There are just some lines that don't make sense, like the one that says, "She knows you are a lump of warm breath..." It doesn't make sense and it doesn't fit your poem. But I'm probably just being really picky. this poem is amazing! It is very deep and full of meaning! You are truly an amazing writer! Keep it up!

Hey fortis, Edelweiss here for a review!
This overall was a emotional piece, and the poor girl almost made me cry! There's a nice flow going on here, it's almost like a sad story. My favorite line is "the sun was made of glass and the moon of paper.."
I didn't understand though the line "she breathes galaxies and whispers wind through trees."
It just seems out of place. Also the line "and she knows you are a lump of warm breath underneath quilted covers"
I think the word "lump" should instead be piece, lump just doesn't fit.
Other than that I think this was beautiful! Keep it up!
-Edelweiss-