Heya, Fort! Casanova here to do a review as promised for you!
Hmm, first thing to say is I don't see a lot of prose, and honestly I'm bad at it, but I'lll give this a shot.
First Impression
The first thing I noticed about this was the amount of detail you're putting into it, and it seems a bit overly detailed. You're putting so much into it it's choking me, so to speak. Like, the first line. You're obviously describing a hot day, but it seems you could have left it at the humidity pat and the hanging over heaving chests and sweaty brows. That's just my personal opinion on that. Anyway, onward to the review.
The next thing I'd like to bring up would be the flow. Is it supposed to be a slow, steady beat that leaves you breathless after you read it aloud? that's how it seemed to me, but I could be mistaken on that part as well. Anyway, onward.
The next thing I'd like to bring up is this line,"It’s asleep like the day is a dream easily forgotten, how the breath comes so slow, there’s no wind at all, and as this great sphere revolves around slowly, like a lullaby pirouette, I can hear her turning in her sleep, the sky a great blue blanket to keep in the memories." Honestly, I love this line. It's great, except for the flow of it which seems to go on and on.
Anyway, overall I think you have a really good poem, but I do think you could add some to it. It seems not finished. Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped! Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on!
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
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