I am not yet ready to surrender to the depths of Sleep, my mind still awhirl with midnight wind through my hair, curling around my fingers as we approach 80 MPH in a topless Jeep (we aren’t even speeding). My arm rests on the seatback and suddenly I’m all 80’s coolgirl redcar bombshell, pulling off her shades, winking at you through the montage music that blares through military-strength speakers. We are hurtling towards Summer’s End and the brink where the present overflows into memory. This night becomes a history, a legend, a blur of other riotous Friday nights spent screaming at the world. And we are sprawled on a hill at the park, staring at the clouds, pretending to see stars, and the automatic sprinklers come on and it’s like I am watching the memory being processed and bottled before it has even finished. Because Today always becomes Yesterday, Last Summer, When I Was Young. I cannot sleep while I am still so full of youth. I cannot sleep while I approach the ever-looming waterfall that drags Summer into The Past. I am not yet ready to surrender to the depths of What Once Was.
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140,372 Literary Works • 673,125 Reviews
Heya, Fort! Casanova here to do another review for you!
Anyway, a few things I wanted to talk about in this one.
The first thing is that this is really good, and I'm hesitant to try and correct anything because poetry isn't my best and prose poetry is especially daunting.
What I do think though is that you've taken a simple idea and made it complex, and put it into poetry, and honestly I like the feel of it. It's smooth, it goes down well, and overall it's rather tasteful. I'm guessing this is an installment to the 2 PM I reviewed, but honestly I liked this one a lot better than I liked the other one. This one has a certain abstract feeling to it, and I think that it certainly goes well with the poem.
I don't know what your usage of random caps was for, but honestly I think it helped in the poem. So props for that.
The next thing would be the last sentence/line of the poem. I'm having trouble understanding the,"what once was," part. I'm guessing you're meaning when you were younger, but then again some parts of the poem was hard for me to understand. Prose and poetry together. Something I barely understand lol.
Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped, at least a bit!
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
P.S- Sorry if this review wasn't very helpful, this is beyond my skill level
Hi. this is kman134. i'm here to review your work.
First off, the poem started off very cryptic with a lot of philosophical themes of dreams. Then it shifts to how a poem should be written. the setting was well-written and gave off a sense of realism. the reference of recollection was also well put as people don't want to leave the past.
the poem should be spaced and there were a few run-on, here and there, but it was still pretty good. anyways, i hope you keep on writing. can't wait to read some more.
This is ZeldaIsShiek here for another review in the poetry section! One thing I would like to note off the bat was your choice of formatting. Most poems do not share this unique format, and I can't help but wonder if it is a preference or a mistake. Either way, let's start the review.
First off, I noticed that your poem was very well done. It started as a cryptic unopened can of philosophical themes, but then it swiftly changed into a what a true poem should be! This is neither praise nor a mistake. I just thought this part was very interesting. Moving on, I'd like to state that I loved your use of interesting vocabulary and personification. Poems are all about metaphors and personification, and you hammered the nail in the coffin with this one!
Now onto some of the things you may have done wrong. As I said earlier, the format could have been a mistake, but I noticed a few other possible errors in this. There are no spelling errors as far as I could tell, but there were grammar errors nonetheless. I noticed that the words 'What Once Was' are capitalized, and I didn't know why. I didn't understand why this had to be capitalized since this was not a proper noun. It could have been one and I missed the metaphor, but I don't really think so. There were other capitalized words, such as 'Last Summer' being capitalized as an improper noun.
TLDR: Liked it, strange format, great personification and metaphors, capitalization errors.
-Harrison
All of the capitalization was VERY intentional. If you'll notice, everything "wrongly" capitalized" is a bigger concept than it appears if I had not capitalized it. It makes the abstract more concrete and the past more purposeful than a memory.
Paragraph poetry is a very real and popular form of poetry. I find it suits these sorts of "one moment in time" sort of train of thought thing.
thanks for the review.
All of the capitalization was VERY intentional. If you'll notice, everything "wrongly" capitalized" is a bigger concept than it appears if I had not capitalized it. It makes the abstract more concrete and the past more purposeful than a memory.
Paragraph poetry is a very real and popular form of poetry. I find it suits these sorts of "one moment in time" sort of train of thought thing.
thanks for the review.
All of the capitalization was VERY intentional. If you'll notice, everything "wrongly" capitalized" is a bigger concept than it appears if I had not capitalized it. It makes the abstract more concrete and the past more purposeful than a memory.
Paragraph poetry is a very real and popular form of poetry. I find it suits these sorts of "one moment in time" sort of train of thought thing.
thanks for the review.
All of the capitalization was VERY intentional. If you'll notice, everything "wrongly" capitalized" is a bigger concept than it appears if I had not capitalized it. It makes the abstract more concrete and the past more purposeful than a memory.
Paragraph poetry is a very real and popular form of poetry. I find it suits these sorts of "one moment in time" sort of train of thought thing.
thanks for the review.
oh my goodness why did this post four times? lol sorry %u2661
It's... Okay...
Dear fortis,
This is a nice little paragraph. I especially loved "Because Today always becomes Yesterday, Last Summer, When I Was Young" and "I am not yet ready to surrender to the depths of What Once Was." I'm definitely interested in your capitalization choice. I find it almost necessary to capitalize the words you did. In middle school, the teachers would always say that your name is capitalized because you're important. I find that these words are capitalized correctly because of the importance the show in this piece.
After looking again at this piece, I noticed the sentence "We are hurtling towards Summer's End." I find this sentence interesting, and I love how you placed the word "hurtling" into it. It reminds me of like a meteorite hurtling through space: I mean that it sounds like they are unfortunately quickly getting closer and closer to Summer's End.
Anyways, I found this a very interesting paragraph. I noticed that as soon as I hit the "Poetry" section there was "10pm" and "2pm." I will be sure to look for these time labelled poetry pieces.
Just a note: When writing Poetry, I advise you to cut your writing into smaller pieces. Sorry, I suppose cut isn't the right word. I advise you to separate your writing into multiple paragraphs. When I first saw this entry, I sort of internally groaned at the sight of this paragraph. By that I don't mean any offense. Our teacher would always say: the human's eye is attracted to small paragraphs where large paragraphs cause the eye to draw away. I used to hate believing this because I loved reading, and I thought that my eyes were always drawn to large paragraphs because it meant more reading, but now, as I noticed as I clicked on your piece I find that the facts were right.
So, my only advice is to make your writing separated into paragraphs. Sometimes it doesn't work out very well and one large paragraph is the best your able to pull off.
Anyways (for the second time), I loved this piece. I hope to see your writing in the future. Great work!
Sincerely,
bmnovelist.