z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Fire Underneath of things - 4 & 5

by Rook


~1,079 Words

Ivy’s town was made of metal. Gears clacked their teeth at her as she walked down the street. The sun was a light bulb with a tungsten tongue flicking electrical flames through the sky. Her friends and neighbors walked by, and Ivy put a hand up to wave before realizing they were all automatons. She slowly lowered her hand, but as it passed in front of her face, she saw her own flesh was metal. She bent her fingers experimentally, and they clinked and clacked. Then, against her will, Ivy’s hand reached down and opened the metal door that used to be her chest. It reached inside and pulled out a hunk of iron. With horror, Ivy realized it was her own beating heart.

Ivy sat straight up in bed, covered in sweat. She pressed her now-flesh-and-bone hand against her chest, just to be sure her heart was still where it should be. She climbed out of bed, and walked into the store’s front room. The flowers would calm her jangling nerves.

--

Grey wandered through the empty streets. This was his favorite time of night, or rather, morning. The only buildings with lit windows were the bakeries. Grey reveled in the chill that the night breeze brushed across his face. He had taken to wandering the streets soon after he became a lamp-lighter. He was expected to be awake for both lighting and extinguishing after all. He slept odd hours.

As he stepped into the pool of light spilling from a bakery window, Grey caught a whiff of the most delightful bread he had ever smelled. His stomach grumbled, reminding him that he’d skipped dinner that night so he could show Nikki and Ivy the machines. Grey tried the door but it was locked. Here, the freshly-baked bread smell was even stronger. He knocked. No one answered. Grey pounded at the door.

--

She hadn’t noticed the sound right away. It was almost too faint to hear, but in the absolute quiet of the night, Ivy heard a sort of high-pitched moaning. She poked her head out the door and the sound became much louder: it sounded like an animal in pain. She scouted around outside, and discovered that the sound seemed to be coming from behind her shop, in her backyard vegetable garden. She thought she’d pinpointed the source of the sound near her pumpkin plants, but Ivy couldn’t see anything that would make it. She moved the leaves around, and her fingers brushed fur. Then she saw the two yellow eyes staring up at her from a very black cat. The mewling had quieted to a low whine.

“It’s okay,” said Ivy. She gingerly scooped her hands beneath the animal. “Let’s get you inside.”

--

Grey looked around, but could see no one at all.

“C’mon Gidgit,” he said to his little invention. “Think you can pick it?” He placed the spider-like device over the bakery door’s lock.

Gidgit skittered around the knob, inserting needle-like legs into the lock. It fiddled around for a while before something clicked and Gidgit twisted. The door was unlocked.

“Thanks, buddy!” whispered Grey as Gidgit darted back under his lapel. He was mildly impressed. He hadn't taught Gidgit how to pick a lock. He wondered how the machine had picked up such a skill.

He opened the door as quietly as he could and tiptoed to the back of the bakery, where the smell was coming from. He found a very warm kitchen, heated by a brick oven and completely deserted. The baker was nowhere to be seen. But on the counter was some kind of mix of flour, sugar, and spices. Perhaps the baker had run out of eggs or something. Grey spied a pile of warm, fresh loaves. Surely the baker wouldn’t notice if just one was missing.

--

Ivy carefully laid the cat on a clean table in her shop, and lit the lamp. The cat’s black fur was matted with blood, and several long scrapes and scratches laced its body. Its ear was ripped and it had burs tangled into its fur and between its toes.

“Oh no, kitty,” said Ivy. “That looks like it hurts.”

The cat just mewled. Ivy began tugging burs out of its fur.

“Have you been fighting? Are you a brave tom cat trying to find a lady?” Ivy checked, and it was indeed a tom cat. “You were so hard to see in the dark. You were like a ghost in the night, weren’t you, ghostie-kit?”

Ivy removed the last of the burs. “There. Your feet should feel much better. Now this next part might hurt a bit, but we have to clean the scratches or it will only get worse.” She stood to grab a cup of water.  She dribbled this on the cat’s smallest scratch. It its muscles twitched but it otherwise held still.

“That’s it, Ghost,” Ivy breathed, patting the wound dry with a clean rag. “Just hold still.” Ivy worked her way up to the worst of the cuts. This one was long and deep. She sucked in her breath and poured the water. Ghost’s side flinched and he yowled. “I know, I know, Ghost. I know.”

--

Too drunk with the delicious scents of bread to think properly, Grey grabbed a loaf and hid it under his cloak. Holding it close to his side, the soft loaf warmed his body. Grey locked the door, left the bakery, and was a block away in barely a blink of an eye. When he felt he was far enough away from the bakery to avoid any suspicious gazes that might fall his way, he ducked into an alleyway and uncloaked the loaf of bread. His mouth watered as he took in the perfect flaky crust. He could wait no more, and he devoured half the loaf on the spot. It was the best bread he had ever had the chance to eat. And the taste was enhanced by the adrenaline thrill of a perfectly executed heist. Grey grinned to himself. He hadn’t expected that his nightly wander would be this delicious or this much fun.


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Tue Sep 12, 2017 10:56 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



The best thing about LMS novels is that they're like the perfect length for reviewing xD

Nit-picks and nice moments:

She slowly lowered her hand, but as it passed in front of her face, she saw her own flesh was metal.

That's a really good representation of dream-logic ^.^

Ivy checked the cat’s gender.

I don't know what it says about me was that my reaction to this was that you mean sex not gender and to wonder if cats ever failed to conform to the expectations of their sex xD

“That’s it, Ghost,” ivy breathed

Missed capital.

Overall:

WOAH. I loved this chapter. Interlude type things like this where the plot doesn't really move forward can be very hard to pull off but you totally had me hooked for this entire thing. I will now attempt to pinpoint exactly how.

Skipping from one to the other of the MCs was very useful, because it kept me in suspense and wanting to know about the other one. I kept wondering if this was going to meet to their paths crossing (and it's not a problem that they didn't, it just shows I was engaged).

It also helps that these snippets gave away little bits of information really subtly. Ivy had a nightmare; something bad happened in her past? Grey had to steal some bread; he must be poorer than I'd realised (I figured Alder would feed him, but then I guess inventing and doom predicting must not pay that well). She's given this cat a name, that must be in some way important? Why the hell was that bread left alone? I'm unsure if you'd have drawn attention to that if you didn't intend to answer it later. What on earth happened to poor little Ghost?

Lastly was the kind of grey, haunting description that made this whole thing feel kind of dark, dank, hopeless etc. It was a really good atmosphere to show that these characters are not living lives of luxury. It also made it really relaxing and allowed me to not need the plot to be driven forward to enjoy it, which is very difficult to achieve.

I genuinely can't think of a criticism for this particular chapter,
Biscuits :)




Rook says...


Ivy had a nightmare; something bad happened in her past? Grey had to steal some bread; he must be poorer than I'd realised (I figured Alder would feed him, but then I guess inventing and doom predicting must not pay that well). She's given this cat a name, that must be in some way important? Why the hell was that bread left alone? I'm unsure if you'd have drawn attention to that if you didn't intend to answer it later. What on earth happened to poor little Ghost?

Wow absolutely 0 of these are answered any all the conclusions you drew from them... they're basically all false. Obviously not your fault they're all wrong. It's obviously a fault of mine as a writer lol
Maybe you'll see why I did some stuff later on.

Thanks for the review and your compliments anyway though! :D



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Tue Jul 11, 2017 4:18 am
Dossereana says...



This is a lot better then the rest I have red so for think, :D :D




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Wed Mar 22, 2017 10:59 am
Hannah wrote a review...



So, some more things happening in this chapter, huh? I love that we get the chance to see what these characters do when they're not interacting with one another as well, because that's a different side of their personalities, right? I immediately wonder what the significance of the cat will be, and how Ivy is so comfortable caring for a wild animal right away. I wonder if this is part of a pattern -- does she often do this?

I also notice that I'm missing a narrative of what Nikki's doing at this time. It was a really nice choice to break up the scenes between bits of describing what Ivy was doing and then going back to what Grey was doing, but after an opening that contained a trio, it's odd to not have her in the mix.

Finally, my biggest issue with this section was here:

And the taste was enhanced by the adrenaline thrill of a perfectly executed heist.


So, I know his family wasn't all that well-off, even though they pretended, and that it seemed like he might have had a hard time getting enough food to eat because of that, but I don't see how that connects to being so comfortable with suddenly turning into a thief. Or is it suddenly? Because he tells Gidgit to "do his stuff", which implies he's done this before. Is this the first or one of many times Grey has stolen something? If it's the first, I would need to see more of his contemplation or a little bit more reason for this theft other than he was kinda hungry 'cause he hadn't had dinner. Does the old man at home not have any food?

Thanks again for sharing. I'd like to keep following the story if you'd like to tell me when more parts are posted.

As always, PM or reply if you have questions!

Hannah




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Wed Mar 22, 2017 3:07 am
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Que wrote a review...



Hey forti~

Like PrincessInk below me said, your point of view does change back and forth pretty fast. I like how that allows the reader to see how Ivy is progressing towards good, helpful things, healing an injured cat, while Grey is being pulled to do worse things, like stealing bread. It's really really neat how their personalities are working out here, I'm so curious to see which way they'll go! I'm not sure how you could change it- one chapter for each wouldn't work, so maybe the first half could be Ivy and the second could be Grey? You could connect them by saying something like, "and across the city, someone else was awake, too..." or something. I'm not sure if that would be better in the end or not, but it might be a little less choppy.

I think you could make Ivy's dream a little more terrifying- in dreams, you're often struggling to do things, but you move sluggishly and the world spins around you. Maybe she feels trapped, and her anxiety is building, it's a strange world and she's stuck. She wakes up scared, but maybe there should be a bit more fear in the dream itself. Is there a certain reason she has to be afraid of the city turning to metal? I really want it to relate to the "coming darkness" that's been hinted at, or at least I hope it's significant later on. Interesting!

I feel like Ivy could do a bit better than just pouring her pen cleaning alcohol on the cat's wounds. Maybe some water? Or at least dab the alcohol on with a cloth? (Well, I guess she does dry up the alcohol she poured a bit) Any bandages? It just seems kind of... Rudimentary? I just think she might've had some better options at hand, though I like the idea of her helping a cat!

One last thing- it doesn't seem like a bakery would be left empty- and still closed- right after all the bread has been baked. And if Grey has a job, why does he steal? Just for the thrill? Shouldn't he be doing his job just now, if it's already so far into the morning that bakers have baked all their bread? Just curious little questions.

Love the development of Ivy and Grey in this chapter! Neat stuff, can't wait for the next one. :)

-Falco




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Mon Mar 20, 2017 4:53 am
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hi, @fortis! Though I haven't read the previous chapters, I just clicked on this link and I enjoyed the excerpt very much!

The plot was quite calm and steady, without too much excitement, but I don't mind it at all. In fact, I like it this way. These kinds of scenes can enhance characterization and I feel as if you did a very good job with Ivy and Grey. Is Ghost going to play an important role in the later chapters? I'm just curious ;)

I personally like Ivy. I suppose it's because of her maternal nature or something. But I also like Grey's adventurous spirit. So far, I like your main characters.

The only issue I have here is the quick switching of POVs in the chapter. I don't mind it so much, but I feel as if I'm spending only snatches of time with each major character.

~Princess Ink~





Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.
— Robert Brault