~1024
Ivy
A/N: The ending of this chapter is so weak. I wrote like, idk 400 words in 5 minutes because I was scrambling for time. Sorry for the sub-par chapter. I'll try to do better next week.
When Nikki finally arrived at the Workshop, Ivy gave her a significant look. So, after they left—after a somewhat awkward few hours—Nikki rounded on Ivy. “What happened?” she asked excitedly. “You gave me The Look.”
“Can we get to my place and we can talk about it? I don’t want to be overheard at all.” Ivy looked around, as if expecting to see Grey’s face popping out from any corner.
“For sure!” Nikki said. “But let’s hurry. I can’t wait any longer!” Nikki pulled at Ivy’s wrist and they both sprinted the whole way to the flower shop. Ivy felt her ankle turn dangerously on a couple cobbles as they ran, but nothing that impeded the speed they were making as Nikki dragged her along.
Ivy’s heart felt like it would explode out through her ribs and every breath set her lungs on fire. “Did… we really… have to run… that whole way?” she panted.
Nikki smirked, but Ivy felt a little satisfied to see she was breathing heavy too. “Yeah. Am I going to die of anticipation to hear what you have to say or are you gonna get your keys out and open this door?”
Ivy rolled her eyes, but unlocked the door. Ghost was sitting right inside the doorway, and Ivy almost tripped on him. His black fur blended in with the darkened room. It was the sudden flash of his yellow eyes that alerted her to his presence. “Hey Ghostiekit, what are you doing sitting right by the door?” Ghost mewed and stood, stretching his back as he did so. Then, he gave a shake of his head and gracefully slunk out into the night.
“I guess that answers that,” said Nikki with a laugh. “Now can we hurry up?”
“Yeah, of course. I just didn’t want to step on poor Ghost.” Ivy led Nikki to her back room. Nikki sat on her writing desk’s chair and Ivy sat on the bed. “Where to begin?” She flopped onto her back and began to retell the conversation that took place before Nikki arrived at the workshop.
“You said yes?” Nikki exclaimed after Ivy had finished.
Ivy was hiding her face behind her hands. “Yes. Do you think I should have? I didn’t want to be rude, but I also don’t want to lead him on.”
“Lead him on? Ivy, isn’t there even a small part of you that likes him?” Nikki cajoled.
“Well, I guess there is,” Ivy relented. “He’s definitely better than that pig he’s friends with. Although, isn’t there a saying about how you can judge a man by the company he keeps?”
Nikki made a dismissive gesture. “The only thing that shows about Grey is that he’s kind to others even when others aren’t very kind. Grey’s an upstanding gentleman. Or at least he’s been trained as one and chose to reject it in favor of a more adventurous lifestyle.”
“I don’t know if that’s how the story went. I think his parents—”
“Whatever!” Nikki interrupted. “The important part is he’s a good guy, and I think it’s great you said yes. You guys are gonna have so much fun together! I wonder where he’s going to take you for dinner!”
“I have no idea,” said Ivy, getting nervous about this. What if he took her somewhere they only served seafood? Or what if it was somewhere super fancy and she didn’t fit in?
“And this machine,” continued Nikki. “What do you think it does?”
“Again, no idea. It looked really cool though. I’m sure it does something beautiful. It had these elegant finger things. It looked like a dancer!”
“Hmm,” said Nikki, and then was silent for a while. In the silence, Ivy could hear voices outside, probably from the bar down the street. She could hear wooden wagon wheels bumping over the cobblestones. Suddenly, in that silence, Ivy felt very safe. She felt as if nothing could go wrong as long as Nikki was her friend.
“Think of anything yet?” Ivy prompted. She was already feeling better about this date, no matter what it would turn out to be, just because Nikki was there to sympathize with her.
“No, except… Obviously the machine must be something Grey could plan a date around. You’ll probably go somewhere special to use it… I don’t know Ivy, but it sounds terribly exciting. You’d better tell me about it immediately afterwards.”
“I will, I promise,” Ivy said with a grin. “There would be nothing else I’d want more than telling you all about it after it’s all over. How else will I expend my nervous energy?”
“That’s exactly right! Okay, well, I need to get home. Got a busy day of farming tomorrow. Pulling weeds and whatever. But I wish you luck. And if you need to stay at my place the night before or something, you know our doors are always open, and Mum likes you better than me anyway.” Nikki grinned as well.
Ivy walked Nikki to the door. When she opened, it, Ghost slunk back into the shop. “Safe journey,” Ivy called after her. Nikki waved. “Now you,” Ivy said, turning to Ghost. “What do you think you’re doing, just wandering in and out of the front door? Either come in or stay out!”
Ghost looked up at her and mewed. He began to rub against Ivy’s legs, and she let out a sigh. “Okay, you can keep being a nuisance. But only because you’re so cute!”
As Ivy got ready for bed and work the next day, Ghost followed her around, purring. His purrs comforted her even further, calming her jangling nerves. She had never actually been asked out before. There had never really been many opportunities, as Ivy only really hung out with Nikki and never went to parties or anything with a social scene like that. She realized that she never thought anyone would be interested in her. Knowing Grey thought of her like that made Ivy flush with the thought she even could be desirable. It was a happy thought, and Ivy had happy dreams that night.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
I, uh, started reading before I could write an opening sentence and now there's rather more pressing matters:
Uh, oh no. Oh dear. This is not going to end well. This is going to be so awkward. I was actually going to bring this up in overall but it might as well go here: speaking of awkward, I would like more real-time story of the rest of the night in the workshop. Just an incident or two here or there. It just felt very rushed at the beginning.
Really? Nikki's the one that's pressuring her into going through with a date with a guy she doesn't really like that way.
Oh, I see. That wasn't overly clear to begin with, but I think you cleared it up quickly enough.
This should probably be a new paragraph.
Overall:
You're probably right about the very end of the chapter, but I think only like the last paragraph. In that paragraph, you've got out every point you wanted to make, but in a very sketched in way. There's not that much flow in that paragraph, just a list of facts about how Ivy's feeling. I think if you're going to rush a paragraph out though, getting the bare bones down is the way to go.
In general, I think this chapter is pretty rushed too. I feel like maybe it could actually cut straight to their conversation and include Ivy thinking about the rest of the evening from time to time.
It's also not overly clear that Ivy's mind is beginning to change about the date, which I think is because I don't understand what it is of what Nikki's saying that's convincing her. This might be subjective though. That Grey should be judged for being friends with Tommy and that this shows he's just nice to everyone are two conjectures that both could be true and I just tend towards the former. I think maybe aggregating opinions on Grey would be the way to go to see if what Nikki says should stay the same or change at all.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Hello!! Man I saw your author's note an related so much, that LMS rush for sure, I totally get it. (It's already the end of the week again and I haven't written?!)
Ahem. Anyway. I didn't really have any little nitpicks, just thoughts on the overall. It seems a little oddly paced- fast, then a lull, then fast again (or at least as I read it). So yeah, LMS, I understand, but just for the future that might be something to look at.
Like Ivy, I really didn't see a need for them to run to Ivy's house, or really to be there in the first place. If you really want the date story to come out at Ivy's, maybe Grey can offer to walk them part of the way home, which would make more sense for why Ivy doesn't discuss it in the streets. Then, they can still be cautious even when he leaves them, and hurry home to discuss, but that way you don't have that awkward silence between two friends who clearly want to talk about things, and there isn't so much of a sprint back to the house in order to talk. Something to think about!
Also, I feel like Ivy is totally just convincing herself that Grey is nice. She probably is, since she hasn't seen Grey being a good person, but then again, even the reader doesn't see Grey being nice too much? He tries to be nice and apologise to Strix, but he also kind of does that by being stalkerish... Maybe that's what you want, but maybe Grey should have some good traits apart from his gentlemanliness? They don't have to come out all the time, since obviously he is dealing with some issues like stealing, but it would be good to know that they're there, even if underneath.
Last, I feel like Ivy gets too happy at the end. That feels bad to say, but she's so nervous, then I know Nikki and Ghost confort her, and she convinces herself that things are okay, but still... I'm not sure she would be that authentically happy and lose her worries that fast. There must still be something lingering at the edge of her vision, at the back of her mind, some tickling doubt or concern that she actively pushed away.
This was a neat transition chapter! Ugh, we just want to know what that machine does already, forti. Suspense!!! <3
-Q
Hey fortis!
It's nice that Ivy accepted when Grey asked her out, isn't it? And Nikki seems to be happy for Ivy and now possibly romance??? Even he is friends with that nasty Tommy (or were they still friends? I vaguely remember that they quarreled). Either way, I think he's a nice person, so it's great to see him being friendly with Ivy and Nikki or having feelings toward Ivy.
This chapter feels calm and it's a lovely place for character interaction. I'm not too sure and maybe it's only me, but this feels a wee bit rushed. I'm not too sure if it's even something to comment on and perhaps it's just stemming from the last paragraph. The last line feels as though it's trying to *end* the chapter. When I draft some long piece of work, I often try to end a chapter less than but close to 2k and sometimes I get an awkward ending because of that. I see that in your author's note you mentioned that this ending does need work.
I think, like I said before, the ending is awkward and I feel as if the context of the last line calls for perhaps a bedtime scene or something like that? Maybe Ivy could be snuggling into bed and thinking about everything that had happened to her and then eventually falling asleep.
Hope this ramble helped!~
-Ink
Hey, I’m here to review!
I’m pretty sure you can start the sentence without ‘so’; it’s unneeded.
The dialogue isn’t wrong, though I think there are better words to replace ‘and’, like ‘where’, or just adding ‘there’ at the end of it.
There’s nothing indicating they’ve arrived at Ivy’s place, so the transition is a bit too sudden. I would suggest to show they’ve arrived first before Nikki asks the question.
It seems obvious Ivy doesn’t want to step on the cat, so you don’t have to include that. Nikki’s words before these can be interpreted as her being impatient rather than them being slowed down by Ghost.
I wouldn’t mind if you prefer to use other words than ‘said’ a few times in a chapter, but these three - exclaimed, cajoled, relented - are used in succession, and they distract us from the dialogue.
I would suggest to just use one exclamation. When you use too much of them, the dialogue become less serious, which makes us focus on them less.
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Too much use of silence. One is enough.
Overall, I think this is pretty much a relaxing chapter. Just like Nikki, I wonder what kind of place would Grey show to Ivy that is also suitable for him to use his machine. I hope the date wouldn’t be conventional. Anyway, there are pretty interesting tidbits in this chapter, like Nikki’s mother prefers Ivy over Nikki (though it doesn’t bother Nikki, which means the preference isn’t really serious) and Ivy’s being asked out for the first time. Tidbits like these are essential to make a chapter in which nothing much happens interesting.
And that is all! Keep up the good job!