Grey
~1214 words
Grey had stumbled home after extinguishing the lamps. He had been exhausted: he hadn’t slept in over 24 hours. Now he awoke, refreshed, to the late afternoon sun. He stretched and began his morning routine, his mind going over the things he would have to do that day.
Grey’s bedroom was practically just a closet in the Workshop. It was separated from the huge machine-filled room by a flimsy wooden door and barely had enough floor space for a narrow bed, small dresser, and very cluttered desk. Thankfully the Workshop’s bathroom was right next door. Grey glancd at himself in the cracked and filthy mirror. He looked like he’d died last night and his brain just hadn’t realized it yet. He sighed and dipped his hand into the basin of water he’d refreshed yesterday. Cold as always.
Grey was halfway through washing himself with a wet cloth when he remembered something that Tommy had said to him that morning.
Tommy had been severely drunk still when Grey had bet up with him at the end of their respective lamp routes. He had reeked as well, and Grey desperately wanted to get away as quickly as possible. But before he’d managed to ditch him, Tommy had given Grey yet another piece of unsolicited advice.
“Listen Grey,” Tommy had said, clapping him on the shoulder. His speech still a little slurred. “I know you’re trying your best, and I love you for it, but you have no idea how to go about getting yerself this woman. Gotta show ‘er you mean business. Gotta be bold and brash and… brass. That’s what I did.” He smiled wide, but with confused eyes, as if he wasn’t even sure what words were waterfalling from his mouth. “Got myself some ladies last night, just went right up to them, and soon I got them drooling all over me and we went to this real nice place—”
“Okay!” Shouted Grey, shrugging out from under his grip. “I get it. You’re drunk. Go home Tommy. How much did you drink anyway?”
Tommy started laughing.
“Forget I asked,” groaned Grey, walking away before Tommy could answer.
“Buckets!” Tommy shouted after him. “Buckets and buckets, Grey. You really missed out on a great party!”
--
Grey was positive he hadn’t missed out on anything, but Tommy was probably right about needing to be bolder. Grey resolved to ask Ivy out that very next Tuesday no matter what. He gave up combing his rat’s nest of hair and stepped into the Workshop. Alder had been working all morning while Grey had slept.
“You’re finally up I see,” Alder said dryly. “Do you think you could take over for me here? I’ve got some letters to send.”
Grey nodded and Alder left. Filled with renewed determination, Grey set to work on the invention Alder was always working on and got a lot done on it. The machine was still far from finished, but it felt good to accomplish something he was actually supposed to be doing. For quite a while now Grey had been working almost exclusively on his side project. He’d do a rush-job at whatever Alder asked him to do just so the old man didn’t get suspicious, but now he had enough time to do good work because he couldn’t work any further on his side project until he got the scrying sphere from Jack. Once he got that, his machine would be complete and he and Ivy could go test it—together. If she said yes, of course. She would, wouldn’t he?
Needing some reassurance, Grey looked forward to lamp-lighting that night. He sped through his lighting, eager to talk to Tommy, but Tommy wasn’t there yet. And he didn’t show up until half an hour later, when Grey was considering giving up on him entirely.
“Where were you?” Grey demanded. “I’ve been waiting forever!”
“Lightin’ the bleedin’ lamps, ratbag.” Tommy was clutching his head. Of course. He was deeply, deeply hungover.
“I just wanted to tell you I’m taking your advice,” continued Grey, a little more cautiously. “I’m going to be bolder. I’m asking her out no matter what this Tuesday!”
“Well ain’t that sweet? What a fat lot of good it’ll do you, too. Because I’m sure being bolder will fix everything. Never mind the fact you’re as attractive as the pimpled rear of a horse and have the personality of a sack of yogurt. Now do us all a favor and just leave me alone.”
Both Grey and Tommy went home in a sour mood that night. On his way home, Grey broke into three different sweet shops, almost as if he thought sugar would somehow fix his problems.
--
Monday morning Tommy was not waiting for Grey at their usual spot and Grey didn’t bother waiting for Tommy either. The rest of the day was typical for Grey. He ran some errands for Alder, worked more on Alder’s invention, and cleaned up a bit around the Workshop. Grey thought nothing interesting would happen all day, but he was pleasantly surprised when Jack dropped by.
“Jack? For heaven’s sake, come in!” Alder said after realizing Jack had been waiting at the door for several minutes, holding his top hat in hand.
When Alder had said Jack’s name, Grey’s head shot up. Did he have the scrying sphere already?
“Well this isn’t your usual time,” Alder said, “but I suppose we can talk now if it’s urgent.” He started to descend the ladder he was standing on. Grey’s heart sank. Jack was just here for Alder, as usual.
Jack cleared his throat. “Actually, this time I’m here for Grey. Do you want do step into the chamber room for a second, Grey?”
“Did you get it?” Grey asked eagerly after they’d closed the Workshop door.
“Yeah,” said Jack and pulled a glass orb from an inside pocket of his suit. He placed it in Grey’s outstretched hand. The glass was warm from being held close to Jack’s body. Within the glass, Grey could see a miniature, distorted version of the entire room around him, even his own face peering into the sphere.
“Is the Magic Black Market in Hazel’s Hill?” Grey asked.
Jack blinked, plainly surprised at Grey’s question. “Of course. Where else would it be?”
“Do you know a lot of witches?”
“I know a fair few, why?”
“Do you know one called Strix?” Grey bit his lip. It was a long shot, but maybe Jack would know her and could show him where she lived so he could apologize.
“No, sorry, can’t say that I do. Do you want me to scope that witch out?” Jack heaved a sigh. “Based on your surprise about my price for that scrying sphere, I really don’t think you’d be able to afford my private investigating prices.”
Grey was tempted to ask what his rates were, then changed his mind. He didn’t want to send an investigator after Strix. It would probably just make her hate him even more. “No, but… do you think you could just listen around for a witch named Strix for me? Friend to friend? Her familiar is an owl.”
“Sure thing kid,” Jack said, slipping his top hat on again. “See you around.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Well, after a brief rest I'm back to try and catch up with this novel. Going to attempt to do it tonight but we'll see if I burn out halfway through.
Nit-picks and nice moments:
This might be a pet peeve of mine, but I much prefer it when numbers are written out as words.
Also, "severely drunk still" is slightly odd word order. I'd have thought "still severely drunk". Also I feel like Grey might have used some slang there - hammered, plastered, wrecked etc (I heard 'binned' the other day xD)
Was I told what day the meetings happened on? If I was, sorry, otherwise this is a bit confusing because I don't know what I'm comparing it to to see how much time has passed.
You probably want to put the speech and the tag the other way around because for a second it sounds like he's saying this with Alder in the room.
Overall:
This chapter was slightly confusing just by what it placed emphasis on. There's a lot about Tommy, and I think it's still talk of him right up to where you say something to the effect of it looking like it's going to be a normal day. Since this tells me that something is about to happen, positioning it that close to informing me of the change in Grey and Tommy's friendship makes it feel like that information is relevant to what is going to happen. Obviously it makes sense to have all this stuff about Tommy, but maybe you could have a buffer of him thinking about Ivy or something?
In fact, I think I would quite like a little reflection about Ivy. It feels like Grey's feelings towards her are contributing in no small part to his attempt to distance himself from Tommy. I know explicitly outlining your character's thoughts can be a bit info-dumpy but I think I definitely care enough about Ivy and Grey by this point to what they want to say every now and then.
One thing I really want to compliment though is your pacing. This can be a thing that relies on instincts to get right, so I don't know how much conscious thought goes into this. But you're hitting the right beats at just the right times. You know, keeping the characters going without leaving me feeling unsatisfied and keeping suspense without feeling drawn out. Good job!
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Helloooo again!
Aw, poor Grey has too many problems. Luckily, you don't! Haha.
I did see a few minor grammar things scattered throughout (like a he that should have been she), so you may want to just scan for those.
24 hours without sleep? I'm not sure that's long enough to feel refreshed, but alright.
O-O It spreads like an infection. Grey, stop now, while you still can!!
Like BlueAfrica mentioned, I really wonder how much Grey knows about the project. It would be interesting to know! Also, I'm ever more curious about the side project with the smuggled scrying sphere... Hm hm.
Also, the scrying sphere itself. I don't know how it works, but presumably its magic and you can see things in it. Could Grey not somehow use it to find Strix's address, or is it somehow too dangerous or limited? Just curious.
Fun chapter! Ugh Tommy is such a jerk, I wish he'd get a new job so he'd stop poisoning Grey's life. Maybe Grey can get a new job. Who knows? Is Strix looking for employees willing to come to Hazel's Hill?
-Q
Hey, I'm here to review.
I think I've reviewed some chapters of this novel, though they're earlier ones. I'm not sure what's currently happening, but I like what I read here! I'm not confused to the plot's progress here, and I think you handle the characters well. Tommy in particular has a distinct way of talking and deliciously not likeable. That being said, since I only read this chapter, I think he has a rough time when he becomes mean at Grey, but who knows? It would be nice if he's simply a bad person. We need one in every story that isn't evil. Just bad.
It's refreshing to see how Grey doesn't think long about going bold at Ivy. I like that he doesn't think whether he should or should not, and simply concludes that a way is better than none. That says a lot about his character, how he doesn't hesitate much (though I'm not sure if he would feel as confident as he is now when he faces Ivy - he does take a while before being honest to her, after all). The part about him going to the candy shops, while strange and can get him a label of being a thief, is something I've read from the previous reviews (I checked those even though I didn't read the chapters xD) also marks him as a character of his own.
I think the transition here is a bit too fast - I expect to see Alder's reaction when he knows Jack's there for Grey, and how Grey reacts to that. Then, they can go to another room. By doing this, the flow is smoother and less fluctuated.
And that is all! Nothing much I can say about this chapter; I'm curious as to know what's Grey's project as well as how would it go with him and Ivy. I love me some cute moments. <3 Keep up the good job!
Well screw you too, Tommy.
What a terrible
personfriend. (No, just kidding, he is also a terrible person.)Question: so we know that Grey also thinks Alder is kind of crazy and simply stays with the group for the sake of a roof over his head. I'm just wondering if he actually knows what Alder's machine is for and how it works, or if he just follows whatever specs Alder gives him and builds it without really knowing a thing about it. Does he resent working on it, since he thinks Alder's crazy? Or is he like, "eh, whatever, keeps this roof over my head, pretty grateful, I guess."
I appreciate the fact that he wants to apologize to Strix.
I think this paragraph could be condensed, considering the whole basis of it is "ho hum, nothing to see here, boring ordinary day" so it seemed a little pointless. I like the first line a lot (screw Tommy, that rotter), but then from there I think the next sentence could be along the lines of "otherwise, the day was typical, until Jack dropped by" and cut out all those middle bits.
Until next time!