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The Fire Underneath of Things - 30

by Rook

~1300 words

Ivy

They had finished their meal a while ago—Ivy was so glad that Grey had enjoyed the soup and cheese scones—and they had had an easy conversation, talking about everything from favorite books to crazy neighbors. Ivy realized how much she actually liked Grey as the conversation continued. Sure, he was a little quirky and eccentric, and maybe he was a bit socially awkward, but Ivy could tell from their conversation that he was passionate about things he cared about. Especially about Ivy. It was a little embarrassing watching him lay it on so thick, but Ivy was flattered anyway. His social faux pas made him cuter, and now Ivy could see his true character, the dirty face and somewhat-silly cloak he always wore didn’t phase her. It was just part of what made him who he was. He was bumbling and awkward, smart and passionate, and Ivy was falling harder for him every minute they talked. How could she ever have thought him creepy? He was just trying his best. Ivy realized she had never had this big of a crush on anyone before, and here he was in front of her, earnestly trying to win her affections. It was really nice to feel like this.

Eventually, however, there was a lull in the conversation where they both realized it was time to get a move-on to the main event. Grey went up to the bartender and paid for the meal, leaving a fistful of small coins on the table for Claire’s tip. When Grey’s back was turned, Ivy doubled the amount.

They stepped out of The Silver Crane Inn. By now it was very dark, almost the middle of the night. Ivy hadn’t realized how long they’d been talking for. Grey immediately started leading Ivy toward the nicer part of town. Grey began to babble. Maybe from nervousness, maybe from excitement, or maybe a mixture of the two. Ivy couldn’t really understand what he was saying: he was speaking really fast, but she didn’t catch some parts.

“So, I had Gidgit before and he did okay, but I needed something better, because the best ones still elude me and you know they’re the best for a reason. So I thought I’d make one just for this and make it the best anyone’s ever seen, and I didn’t know if I could do it, but I did! And we’re gonna see if it works like I think it will tonight. I even put a scrying sphere on it just in case something goes wrong. I put so much time into making this machine and I think it’s the smoothest piece of work I’ve ever completed, especially considering I did it on my own, and I’m so happy you’re here! I know you might not like the idea at first, but you’ve got to promise me you’ll try. You’ve just got to try!” He paused his waterfall of words to cock his head at Ivy, obviously expecting her to respond.

“Uh, okay, yeah sure. I promise,” she said, baffled. They were deeply entrenched in the rich part of town. Ivy felt a little grubby just standing next to the darkened opulent houses.

Grey blew a lot of air out. “I’m glad to hear you’re gonna try at least. I know it might not be up your alley, but I didn’t think it was up mine until I tried it and it was like the best rush. And you don’t need to worry! I made sure everything’s going to go smoothly ahead of time. Talked to some people who know things. I’d only be worried about dogs and maybe that old woman? But she sleeps early. It’s going to be fine. That’s why I made sure to add the scrying sphere. Should work perfectly. I’m just so glad you’re here with me.” He smiled, but Ivy saw something start to crawl into his expression.

His eyes were filled with so much concentration and elation. Maybe it was just his incomprehensible rambling that was beginning to make Ivy think he was truly cracked. They stopped right outside the door of an enormous house. The house had two turrets, each topped with fancy spikes; it had gables and columns, balconies and a widow’s walk. In short, it was the fanciest house Ivy had ever seen.

“Grey,” Ivy said, suddenly anxious, “I’m sorry if I’m missing something, but I still don’t understand. What does your machine do?”

“I’ll show you,” he said, and grinned, his expression now looking completely mad. Ivy felt dread pool in her stomach as Grey slipped the machine on, the metal bracing snug against his forearm. He flexed his fingers experimentally and the long spindle fingers of the machine danced intricately. He approached the door and inserted the needle-like fingers into the keyhole of the ornate brass doorknob. Ivy shuddered at the clicking sound they made as they scraped around in the lock. Then, with a jerk of Grey’s wrist, Ivy heard the lock click open.

Ivy didn’t know what emotion to feel first. Should she feel impressed that his machine had worked so well? Terror that someone would find them breaking in? Curiosity at what he was planning? Fury at Grey for dragging her into this? Upset that he would think she enjoyed this sort of thing? Fear that he was keeping many other dark secrets? Disbelief that the guy she had fallen for so hard would do something like this? In the end, Ivy’s face refused to make any expression at all, and, not knowing what to say, she said nothing.

Grey turned to look at her to gauge her reaction. He seemed to take a blank face as a good sign, because he smiled that lopsided grin at her, as if he’d just cracked a joke instead of broke into a house. Maybe that’s what this is, Ivy reasoned, a joke. Or if it’s not… I’m sure he has a good reason for being here. Maybe this is where his parents live. He did say they were part of the upper class. But he also said they lived out of town, and why would he have to break in? …I’m sure he has a good reason for this.

“Ready?” He asked, but he didn’t wait for an answer, instead, he grabbed Ivy’s hand and pulled her closer to him and the door. “Now see this?” He pointed at the scrying sphere inset into the machine. Currently, it was reflecting the world around them in miniature. Grey waved at Ivy playfully in the reflection, but Ivy just stared.

“If we put it close enough to the door,” Grey moved his hand as close to the door as he could without obstructing their view of the sphere, “then it can see through walls. It’s magic, after all!” And sure enough, the sphere was no longer reflecting the street and the front door to the house. Instead, it showed a great entryway, lit only by the moonlight that slanted through the window above the door.

Grey grinned again. “All clear. No dogs to bite us, no old ladies. Let’s go.” He opened the door soundlessly and pulled Ivy into the dark room. Their footsteps were muffled by a thick, rich carpet that had a design Ivy thought she recognized from her and her father’s travels.

The house was so quiet Ivy was afraid to breathe. She couldn’t believe she was letting Grey literally drag her into this, but morbid curiosity held her tongue. What she really wanted to do was shout, “Are you out of your addled mind?” But she didn’t want to make even the slightest noise. She felt strangely disembodied, like she was watching her life play out like a train-wreck, and she couldn’t look away.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
ExOmelas
Review

I've realised that when I catch up tonight I'll be one review behind Lizz in the all-time standings so now I'm typing even faster bwhahaha :P

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Ivy was so glad that Grey had enjoyed the soup and cheese scones

That is such a nice detail to start with xD

So I'm not sure I'm convinced by your first paragraph. The whole 'trying his best' thing... It just doesn't really send the best signal. Grey was a bit creepy, and he still is with how thick he's laying it on, as Ivy picks up on (like, she says she's not overly happy with this, right?). So I just don't get her logic for suddenly changing her mind. I could understand her maybe starting to see the good in him and taking the decision to perhaps give him a chance, but what is actually happening is a bit too fast.

“Ready?” [b]he asked


instead, he grabbed Ivy’s hand

That should be the start of a new sentence.

[quote]Ivy thought she recognized from her and her father’s travels.[quote]
That's a wee bit clunky. Maybe "from her travels with her father"?

Overall:

Yeah so, it probably doesn't help your case to have Grey immediately force Ivy to participate in a break-in. Breaking the law definitely seems like something that consent needs to be asked for first. There's also the fact that because I don't get to hear any of their fun conversation I don't get a real feel for the chemistry between the two of them. This means I don't even have any evidence to contrast my intuitions about what Ivy's reaction should be.

Random sidenote: your setting was very good here.

The pacing is still there. I think if you can moderate Ivy's opinion of Grey a little - maybe to like "He hadn't been the best friend, he'd made her uncomfortable, of course. But maybe there was good in him. She'd give him a chance and see where it went." then later "Well, so much for a chance! What was he dragging her into?" - then I think this would be a great culmination of two of the strands of plot that you've created so far.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)

User avatar
Que
Review
Que wrote a review · Tue Sep 19, 2017 3:00 am

Hey fortis!
Wow, so I feel like things get really intense in this chapter.

he was passionate about things he cared about. Especially about Ivy. It was a little embarrassing watching him lay it on so thick, but Ivy was flattered anyway. His social faux pas made him cuter, and now Ivy could see his true character, the dirty face and somewhat-silly cloak he always wore didn’t phase her. It was just part of what made him who he was. He was bumbling and awkward, smart and passionate, and Ivy was falling harder for him every minute they talked. How could she ever have thought him creepy? He was just trying his best. Ivy realized she had never had this big of a crush on anyone before, and here he was in front of her, earnestly trying to win her affections. It was really nice to feel like this.

Woah. So, a few things about this. Uh, I thought it was kind awkward with the whole, "passionate about the things he cares about- like me" thing. Maybe it's just because I feel awkward about it, but it kind of still casts Grey in a bit of a creepy light, which contrasts with Ivy's happy feelings in response. Maybe Ivy can just realize that Grey genuinely likes her and that's nice for a change, but it's not so creepy/awkward? I don't know, it's up to you. Also, even though Ivy says there's a connection, she's kind of jumping into falling hard for him pretty fast. I understand that she can have a crush (happens all the time to me), but it seems more like she's trying to convince herself she likes him- if that's what you wanted, great job. However, if she's genuinely into him, maybe there's a way to make it seem more natural and less like she's forcing herself. (I mean, it wasn't super obvious, but I kind of got that sense)

I know you might not like the idea at first, but you’ve got to promise me you’ll try.

I know it might not be up your alley, but I didn’t think it was up mine until I tried it and it was like the best rush.

Red flag!!!! Considering Grey's penchant for stealing, the long spindly fingers, and the fact that they seem to be breaking into someone's home, this wasn't a good date idea.

Well, I didn't have much to say about this except I fear for Ivy. Ugh that's pretty scary! I hope nothing bad happens, and maybe Ivy's excuses to herself will actually be true. *fingers crossed* Eek!

Fantastic job!!

-Q

Hello :)

Justlittleoleme here,

Let me start out by saying that there is absolutely nothing wrong with this ... except for the fact that it isn't finished(at least for the first paragraph).
My first impression was that it was an overview of a story rather than a story. If it was a animation it would be referred to as a storyboard.

Take this sentence for example:

"Sure, he was a little quirky and eccentric, and maybe he was a bit socially awkward, but Ivy could tell from their conversation that he was passionate about things he cared about."

Not only is this sentence written somewhat awkwardly, it is an entire sequence of action that your readers don't get to be apart of. The only one convinced that Grey is passionate about the things he cares about is Ivy, because she is the only one getting to have the conversation.

The rest of us are handed a sentence, and expected to believe it, the same way a story boarder draws a simple picture and indicates the action being performed.

In short, you are telling us , not showing us, and thereby depriving us of some fairly interesting action and dialogue.

Don't TELL me Grey cares passionately, SHOW ME. Please. ^-^

As I mentioned before, their is a bit of awkward sentence structure as well, but that might simply be a matter of taste on my part.

I think there's space for both telling and showing. If I actually showed the entire conversation, there'd be an entire chapter's worth of information that isn't important to the plot. I've saved the reader time by just telling them more succinctly what they are supposed to get out of it. And really, if they were to read the conversation, they still probably wouldn't get the right thing out of it. Consider what I'm saying here. IVY thinks he's quirky and eccentric, awkward but passionate. She has a CRUSH on him. Any normal person probably wouldn't see that side of him. If the person you have a crush on says hi to you, you might read a lot into /how/ they say it, their expression, etc. etc. Your underlying feelings change, in your mind, what was actually said. The conversation would be about boring stuff to people other than Ivy and Grey, because the readers aren't fully informed on the culture and the likes and dislikes of the pair. Novels don't tell every detail of even the main characters' lives. They don't detail them going to the bathroom, but you know they must. It's one of those situations here.

So thanks for the review, but I'm going to keep telling in places where telling is much more appropriate than showing.

I edited my first review a bit. I see what you mean now, especially since the rest of your chapter seems fairly balanced as far as showing and telling goes.

It's simply the first paragraph, and like you said, you meant it to be brief. Still, I get the feeling this is the first real social interaction between these two characters, and because of that I find myself wanting to get to know Grey the same way Ivy is getting to know him.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Yeah! Sorry for the misunderstanding. These two have had pretty extensive social interactions. They're both main characters. I'm switching POVs almost ever chapter. You did come in on chapter thirty, so you missed out on a lot of the interactions before!

Ah ... now I feel kinda clumsy. Well... that's what I get for reviewing a chapter right in the middle of a book. Heh.

User avatar
BluesClues
Review

How could she ever have thought him creepy?


Maybe because he spent kind of a lot of time acting like a creep?

Oh, Grey. Poor, naive Grey. "Breaking into a house is a perfect first-date activity, right?" No, dear. No, it really isn't.

I liked the second part of this chapter, when Grey's rambling and Ivy's like, "What is even happening" and then description of what happens with the machine and the house. I'm really curious to see where this goes, because I have to assume there's really a point to this beyond breaking and entering. I mean, at least I hope so. I hope Grey literally did not just break into some stranger's house on his first date with Ivy.

The first paragraph, though. And also this:

Disbelief that the guy she had fallen for so hard would do something like this?


I know you say she's falling hard for him, but...I don't buy it. Not as things stand now. I mean, fine, she agreed to go on a date with him even though he didn't exactly dazzle her the first several times they met and then also broke into her shop that one time. She's a nice person. And I realize he brought her to her favorite restaurant (even though it's because that happens to be the best he can afford). But we don't actually hear any of their conversation there, whereas we have actually seen him acting creepy and too pushy or too forward or whatever prior to this, so I just don't feel like she's actually fallen for him at all, let alone hard like this chapter insists.

But I also know you said in maybe an author's note in the prior chapter that you want to change that later to more of a Victorian-era courtship instead of a modern-style date? If you do I imagine it'll be in a later draft, but I'm curious to see if maybe that turns out to work better. Like old-school courting until the night he invites her to sneak out with him to test this machine... So I don't know if you've thought further about developing that idea, but I feel like it might turn out really well.

Image

The last point you made is what I'm hoping will work! Thankns so much for the review!

You're welcome! Thanks for tagging me in the club. I can't believe I didn't know about it.



People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear.
— John Patrick, The Curious Savage