z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Fire Underneath of Things - 34

by Rook


~1156 words (I don't know why I'm still including word count since I'm no longer in the LMS contest)

A/N: I realize that this chapter is suuuuuuper dialogue-heavy and they're not really doing anything else except for talking. Sorry. Hopefully in future revisions that gets fixed? haha

Grey and Strix crept back though the thankfully still-silent house, not speaking until they were a good block away.

“Well of all the people I thought I would meet in that house,” Grey said, “you were the last person I was expecting. In a way I’m glad you were there though. Ever since our first meeting, I’ve been trying to figure out a way to find you again so I could apologize.”

“Really? I think that’s kind of dumb but okay,” Strix said.

“I’m also really surprised how easily you forgave me.”

“Grey, this ruby means more to me than holding a grudge, and I’m not the type to hold a grudge anyway. Especially not for something I know isn’t really your fault. It’s not your fault society hates witches.”

Grey shot her a somewhat disbelieving look. “So you’re not still holding it against me?”

“Of course I’m not. I’m a woman of my word! Why would I even continue to hold a grudge after I told you I forgave you? What would be the purpose? Just seems like a waste of energy to me. What I’m confused about is why you handed over this ruby so willingly. Even if you can’t tap into its powerful potential as a focusing talisman, it’s still worth more than the house you stole it from.”

“Well I couldn’t exactly just saunter down to my local pawn shop and sell it there. If I sold it anywhere, it would be immediately publicized, traced back to me, and I’d have been hanged for sure. I just wanted it to be displayed and admired and not hidden away.” Grey paused for a moment. “Now that I’m trying to explain it to you, it sounds really weird.”

“To me it sounds like you had some crazy idea that this would somehow impress Ivy,” Strix said. She arched her eyebrow and looked at Grey from the corner of her eye. “Am I wrong.”

Grey just answered with a groan.

“I know I don’t know her at all whatsoever, but I wonder if you think you know her better than you do. Maybe you’ve just built up an idea of who she is and what she’d like, and that isn’t who she really is. How long have you known her?”

Grey felt his face grow warm. “I don’t know. Maybe three weeks? Four?” Grey wrinkled his brow. “Has it really only been that long?”

“Three or four weeks?” Strix asked incredulously. “What in the world prompted you to think this was okay?”

Grey groaned again, running his hand through his hair. “Tommy.”

“Tommy?”

“Tommy.”

“No further explanations?”

“Ugh. You’d understand if you met him. He’s my friend I guess?”

“Well if he’s behind your stupid decisions, may I suggest you distance yourself from him? It sounds like you don’t even like him.”

“Well we sort of work together in a way. And also he’s one of my only friends. He was my only friend until I met Ivy and Nikki. But now I’ve gone and royally screwed things up with Ivy so I’m kinda back to square one.”

“What are you talking about, Grey? I’m your friend now. Especially if it means you won’t harass women anymore. You need a voice of reason in your life. This Tommy guy sounds like a bad influence.”

Grey didn’t know what to say. He just nodded in agreement.

“I mean, as long as you don’t pull that kind of stuff on me.” Strix stopped walking, so Grey did too, still stunned at Strix’s directness. She looked him right in the eye and said, “I’ll tell you straight up front like maybe Ivy was too intimidated to do, but I like you as a friend Grey. Keep it at that and don’t pull any crap.”

“Okay. I won’t.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah. No offense or anything, but I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable dating a witch anyway.”

“Non-taken. I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to date a non-witch.” She shrugged.

“Fair enough. So did you mean it?”

“What? I mean, yes, I mean everything I say, but I am curious what you’re referring to.”

He could feel himself blushing again. “When you said you’d be my friend.”

“Yeah of course I meant that. I mean, we’re friends already right? Maybe not good friends, but friends nonetheless!”

“I guess it’s just rare for me.” Grey opened his mouth as if to say more, but he decided he didn’t need to look even more pathetic by crying, which might happen if he said anything else.

“And you said you worked for a secret society, right?” She began walking again, and Grey followed. He realized they’d long since passed his turn to go home, but he didn’t want to cut off the conversation yet.

“Yeah. Are you interested in joining?”

“I don’t know. Maybe? I’m busy a lot and I get tired from training since becoming more powerful is my primary goal right now. When do you meet?”

“I mean, I told Nikki and Ivy Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, but it’s really a daily thing, so honestly you could drop by absolutely whenever and it would be fine. You know where it is right?”

“Yeah, I watched you as an owl.”

“That’s kind of creepy.”

“Hey we were almost to your place anyway, it’s not like I followed you home or anything. And I needed to see where I could find you in the future because you owed me a favor and you never know when you’ll need to call in a favor.”

“Fair enough.” They walked along in silence for a little while, and Grey thought about the favor Ruby (quick author’s note: I realize that there are now two “rubies” in this story, so I think I’m going to have to change her name) had promised him. Strix had shown him that favors were not something to be taken lightly, and could be used very advantageously.

“So, that’s a cool thing on your arm. What is it?”

Grey explained the functions and how it worked, and the topic eventually worked its way around to what Grey did at the Workshop. Before Grey knew it, Strix had stopped in front of a small, crooked-looking house. Suddenly Grey realized he was in Hazel’s Hill.

“Yeah so I gotta go now,” Strix said, shifting from foot to foot. “But this has been an… interesting night.”

“You can say that again,” Grey said with a laugh. “I’m really glad I got to see you again, and…” he felt a blush rise yet again to his cheeks, “that you’re willing to think of me as a friend. Sorry again for like, everything.”

“Stop apologizing! And it’s no issue. Everyone needs more friends, and I’m happy to be one. See you later, Grey.”

“Bye!” Grey smiled at Strix and turned around. Hopefully he’d be able to find his way out of Hazel’s Hill without her help.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
760 Reviews


Points: 31396
Reviews: 760

Donate
Fri Mar 30, 2018 8:32 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hello and welcome to this, my five hundredth review!

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Okay so as the conversation begins I actually feel like a lot of the most awesome stuff from last chapter is kind of shied away from. I found it really impressive of Grey to swallow his pride and apologise, and for Strix to agree to forgive him. It was kind of perfect, to be honest. Going back over it seems a bit laboured. Especially so soon, when they haven't had time to reflect and maybe think over the conversation and realise that something didn't add up, or something like that.

And then about him giving up the ruby. It was fairly clear that he did it because it would be just as useless to him as the people he was accusing of being greedy. This is also something it took a lot for him to admit, and going over it again feels like it takes something away from that.

“What are you talking about, Grey? I’m your friend now. Especially if it means you won’t harass women anymore. You need a voice of reason in your life. This Tommy guy sounds like a bad influence.”

I love you, Strix <3

“Yeah of course I meant that. I mean, we’re friends already right? Maybe not good friends, but friends nonetheless!”

The tone there's a little weird. It sounds like she's trying to hype up a team for some sort of sporting event. Like, we may be small, but we are strong nonetheless! Just sounds a bit... excitable.

“I guess it’s just rare for me.” Grey opened his mouth as if to say more, but he decided he didn’t need to look even more pathetic by crying, which might happen if he said anything else.

I'm not sure there was enough build-up for Grey almost crying to not be sudden. Unless there was characterisation in previous chapters that would lead to that which I've forgotten about since I haven't read it in a while.

Overall:

I think my favourite passage of this was from Strix teasing Grey about Ivy, through pointing out how weird he was being, to calling out Tommy, to telling him straight up she just wants to be friends. The dialogue here was really smooth and believable, and wholesome messages all round. I actually thought Strix was going to be kind of more... mysterious and confident than she is? I can tell she's quite young here, which is very realistic.

The dialogue feels a bit off again towards the end. It seems quite forced, like they're two people who only half know each other on discord who've accidentally fallen into a disagreement and are now desperately trying to express that they are the one at fault. Other than the reveal of her following him as an owl; that was amusing xD

I realise some of this might be unclear so let me know if there's anything I should try to expand on.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




User avatar
498 Reviews


Points: 5966
Reviews: 498

Donate
Sat Feb 17, 2018 3:51 pm
View Likes
Que wrote a review...



Heyyy forti!

I’m honestly so glad that Strix is here right now. Like she’s totally saving the day every day. <33

Woah honestly this bit is concerning,

Grey shot her a somewhat disbelieving look. “So you’re not still holding it against me?”

Like how did Grey get to that point where he can’t take anything on an honest level? Yikes.

“Well I couldn’t exactly just saunter down to my local pawn shop and sell it there. If I sold it anywhere, it would be immediately publicized, traced back to me, and I’d have been hanged for sure. I just wanted it to be displayed and admired and not hidden away.”

He says that now, but when he was taking it the ruby, it was totally the most creepy thing ever! He completely looked like he might just be stealing it for himself or for Ivy, so that seems a bit inconsitent, since if he was really just taking it for a museum or something, he wouldn’t really act that way.

“Ugh. You’d understand if you met him. He’s my friend I guess?”

“Well if he’s behind your stupid decisions, may I suggest you distance yourself from him? It sounds like you don’t even like him.”

“Well we sort of work together in a way. And also he’s one of my only friends. He was my only friend until I met Ivy and Nikki. But now I’ve gone and royally screwed things up with Ivy so I’m kinda back to square one.”

“What are you talking about, Grey? I’m your friend now. Especially if it means you won’t harass women anymore. You need a voice of reason in your life. This Tommy guy sounds like a bad influence”

Thank you so much Strix for giving great life advice. I thought it was kind of weird how Grey says that Tommy is his friend “I guess”, but then says that Tommy is his only friend. The second one sounds much more fixed, while the first is sort of an indecisive “I don’t know what he is to me”. If it’s more like the first, then his later thoughts on Tommy should also follow the same indecision. However, I haven’t seen a lot of that surrounding Tommy? Like Grey seems to know he’s kind of bad but sort of follows him anyway.

“Non-taken. I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to date a non-witch.”

Shouldn’t it be none taken? And does it need that hyphen?? (I don’t actually know these things)

“And you said you worked for a secret society, right?” She began walking again, and Grey followed. He realized they’d long since passed his turn to go home, but he didn’t want to cut off the conversation yet.

“Yeah. Are you interested in joining?”

“I don’t know. Maybe? I’m busy a lot and I get tired from training since becoming more powerful is my primary goal right now. When do you meet?”

“I mean, I told Nikki and Ivy Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, but it’s really a daily thing, so honestly you could drop by absolutely whenever and it would be fine. You know where it is right?”

“Yeah, I watched you as an owl.”

This sort of seems weird. I mean, my memory of their first meeting is a bit hazy, but I don’t suppose Grey told her what the society was all about, so it seems weird that he would ask her if she’s interested in joining. Unless she just wants to join the secret society because it’s secret and cool? I feel like he’d want to tell her something about it first or she’d want to ask about it first, rather than seeing if she wants to join. Also, I can understand now why Strix would know where it is, but I can’t see Grey jumping to that conclusion and assuming “you know where it is right?”

Also, with the end, are there any problems regarding that time the witches couldn’t be out? (I sort of vaguely remember that) Is the neighborhood all weird since everyone’s inside? Is Grey relieved that he doesn’t have to get weird looks from other witches? Or, if it’s not past curfew or whatever, how does that change things?

Please please keep writing more. <3 I still love your story so much. Although, I do feel like it could get back a little bit to the urgency of Alder’s plan and such while this other plot stuff is going on — I’ve sort of lost sight of the main thing, but that also may be from the break you’ve had in writing it. It’s probably only been a few chapters. Really good work though! I still hope Ivy’s okay.

-Q




User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Tue Feb 06, 2018 12:56 pm
View Likes
BluesClues wrote a review...



~1156 words (I don't know why I'm still including word count since I'm no longer in the LMS contest)


I mean, you can always rejoin as a rogue...

What I’m confused about is why you handed over this ruby so willingly.


Me too, Strix, me too.

I wonder if you think you know her better than you do. Maybe you’ve just built up an idea of who she is and what she’d like, and that isn’t who she really is.


Okay, yes, the chapter is soooo dialogue-heavy, but Strix is dropping some serious truth on this boy.

Okay. So of course the big issue you know, because the chapter is almost entirely dialogue and moves quickly from topic to topic. That's an overwhelming issue that probably hides most other issues you might have here, so I won't say anymore about that - you already know.

So instead I'm going to talk about bits I really liked!

First of all, I love seeing Strix as a positive influence on Grey, and not as a romance like girls are usually resigned to, but as a friend (especially since she flat-out told him "look, we can be friends, but don't push for more than that, friends is good enough") - she might even get him the heck away from that creep Tommy. In fact, if Ivy actually can overlook this idea of a "date" (I'm guessing she will), he's more likely to win her back by listening to Strix and staying away from Tommy.

I love Strix flat-out telling Grey that this was a terrible idea for a date, especially with a girl who he's built up in his mind rather than actually getting to know her.

I love the repeated references to an anti-witch society and how Strix doesn't blame Grey for it but still isn't going to put up with his nonsense, but also she acknowledges her own prejudices (like how she takes no offense to him not wanting to date a witch because she wouldn't want to date a non-witch).

Basically, I think you've got a lot of good nuggets here, even though the chapter overall is kind of blah because of the fast-moving dialogue.




Rook says...


any suggestions on how to convey all this info without boring readers and having talking head syndrome?



BluesClues says...


For one thing, you could probably draw out the setting a little more as they walk together (especially when they first leave the house, like they were just breaking in somewhere but as they leave it doesn't particularly feel like they just broke in somewhere). You can also show us what they're doing other than walking - Grey seems like he's feeling a little awkward, so maybe show us some of that awkwardness.

And then the one moment I thought was weird and kind of awkward was "so you're part of a secret society, right?" "Oh, yeah, totally secret, but let me tell you when we meet and stuff."




Stupidity's the deliberate cultivation of ignorance.
— William Gaddis