z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Fire Underneath of Things - 3

by Rook


~1100 words

Ivy watched as Grey filled a tank with water, adjusted a few knobs, and pulled on a cord several more times, the lights finally spluttered on. He heaved a relieved sigh and led Ivy and Nikki through the maze of machines in the workshop. They were big, hulking giants made of brass, bronze, iron, nickel, and all sorts of heavy metals. They looked so alien to Ivy. Pipes and gears and valves jutting out everywhere. Only a few were turned on, and they belched steam into the air at odd increments. The room was warm and moist with water vapor, and there was a sharp taste in the air, like copper.

“This one makes one bowler hat a day,” Grey said, pointing to one of the machines that was turned on. “And this one wards off ghosts.”

Ivy looked up at the massive iron invention. It was the size of the front room in her shop, and it was completely still and silent.

“But there aren’t any ghosts!” Nikki protested.

“That’s how you know it’s working,” Grey said with a wink. He moved to another invention. “Alder made this one to predict the future and create the future’s artistic masterpieces before the artists do. But all the work it’s done so far has been trash.” Grey picked up two canvases. One had paint splattered all over it with no seeming design, and one was just red.

Ivy giggled. “Either the future’s really weird about art, or that machine is broken.”

Grey shrugged. “This one catches the rare and deadly Tik-Toc beetle. One bite from one of those’ll kill you within the hour!”

“Oh no!” gasped Ivy. “Are there many in this workshop?” She hurriedly searched the floor for skittering death beetles.

Grey laughed. “Of course not! Alder says they’re native only to a small island off the coast of El Dorado.”

“Hm.”

“Oh don’t sound so skeptical Ivy! That machine could save your life one day!” Grey lowered his voice. “You never know what horrors the import ships carry with them.”

“Hey what does this do?” Nikki called from up ahead. She was standing by a table covered in smaller machines. She pointed to a riveted box that was featureless except for a single switch.

“I’m not sure,” admitted Grey. “Actually, I have no idea what that thing could do. I don’t even think Alder remembers what it does. I wouldn’t touch it if I were you.”

“Well then what about this one?” She pointed to a hunk of metal about the size of her fist.

“Alder was trying to make a cool decoration for his tropical fish, one that bubbled. But this one just killed the fish. He was heartbroken. I realized later that the machine removed the salt from the water. I tried to get him to see how helpful the machine was, but he just considers it a failure.”

“I’m sorry to hear about his fish,” Ivy said.

“It’s alright. I made him some mechanical fishes, and he seemed pretty pleased by them. At least it means he won’t spend an absurd amount on new tropical fish anymore. I swear he’d have to buy new ones every other week. He’d use them as test subjects or forget to clean their cage or feed them. He built an automatic-fish-feeder-tank-cleaner, but it ended up making canned ‘tuna’ instead. That was a dark day.”

“Geez.” Nikki’s eyes were wide. “I guess those fish were a thoughtful gift. So have you made a lot of these machines?”

Grey’s expression soured. “No. I started my apprenticeship here when I was really little, but by the time I was old enough to make big inventions like these on my own, Alder was consumed by this crazy-talk about darkness coming and yadda-yadda. I’ve only been able to tinker with some spare-parts.” Grey pulled a small contraption out of his pocket. It looked like a spider with ten silvery legs that all waved in the air. “This is Gidgit.” Gidget skittered up Grey’s arm and hid under his lapel, peeking out so it could still see Ivy.

“It almost seems… alive,” Ivy breathed.

“It’s kind of creepy,” said Nikki.

“Nikki!” Ivy said.

“What?”

“Don’t worry about her. I think Gidgit’s cute.” Ivy smiled.

“Well thanks, I guess,” said Grey.

“We should get going, Ivy,” said Nikki, beginning to walk toward the stairs they came in.

“If you’re leaving, it would be much easier for you to take the lift, now that we’ve got the electricity running. Or go out the front door.” Grey shrugged. “Either one. But I only leave out the back door. Fewer people around.”

“The lift sounds like fun!” said Nikki.

“Is it safe?” asked Ivy. “I’d kinda like to see the front door so I don’t have to climb that ladder ever again.”

“Oh the ladder wasn’t so bad. And there’s plenty of time to see the front door some other time. We can come back, right Grey? We’re a part of your team now, right?” Nikki looked pleadingly into Grey’s eyes.

“Of course. I can’t really believe you want to stay. Alder’s crazy, you know?”

“That just means it’ll be even more exciting! I’m ready for the lift!” Nikki grinned.

--

Standing on the platform, Ivy felt unsure. “You sure this can hold our weight?”

“Positive. It’s held the weight of some of those machines in the warehouse, and trust me, they weigh a lot more than you. I’m pulling the lever!”

“Wait!” shouted Ivy.

“Too late!”

The platform jolted, and Ivy almost fell over. She wished the platform had walls, or even just a railing to cling to. And the stairwell was so high... She tried to cling to Nikki, but she pushed Ivy’s hands away.

“You can’t hold onto me. If you fall, you’d bring me with you too,” Nikki hissed.

Grey called after them, “See you girls on Tuesday! We have meetings Tuesday and Thursday nights, and all day Saturdays. If you can make it! Bye!”

Too terrified to speak, Ivy just moaned a farewell, but it was lost in the grating, shrieking sound of the lift. It seemed to crawl on forever, but Ivy was glad she didn’t have to climb back up the millions of steps. Just when she had calmed down to a reasonable fear-level, the lift stopped with a jolt and Ivy broke out into a cold sweat all over again.

They stepped out into the night air, and the crescent moon grinned at them once again, as if it knew all about the mysterious machines beneath the city.


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Mon Oct 02, 2017 11:00 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



Hi there Forti. This is Kays here dropping in for another review on this novel of yours in the very, very late morning because I have nothing better to do at the current moment. With that being said let’s cut to the chase and delve right in, shall we?

I don’t remember water in the last chapter? Or, a tank filling with water but that’s most likely because of my memory or for the fact that there probably wasn’t a tank filling up with water in the last chapter. I’m excited to be back in Ivy’s perspective though and I’m also excited to learn more about these machines that have been hinted about earlier in the novel and to learn more about their function. Steampunk, fantasy and historical fiction, huh? This takes place in the early 1800s with steampunk machines, so I can see those two genres shining through, but the third?

Maybe the third has to do with this volcano that I’m not supposed to know anything about at this point. I can’t tell if Grey is serious about the bowler hats and ghosts but I do have to say that he made my mouth let out somewhat of a giggle in the middle of Study Hall when I read that sentence because the humor works there. I’m starting to realize that Grey’s either lying about the function of the machines and the machines are more advanced than he’s admitting or these are the legitimate machines which if so--I’m confused by where these come in to stopping the smoke.

“Oh don’t sound so skeptical Ivy! That machine could save your life one day!” Grey lowered his voice. “You never know what horrors the import ships carry with them.”


While I can’t say I like the dialogue for being realistic because that isn’t why the dialogue can shine at points, I do like the dialogue for sounding movie-like? Grey’s character and his speech patterns are familiar and his character/role in the novel seems familiar at this point which isn’t necessarily all that bad because I can relate him to other characters who make these types of jokes but I do hope that he fleshes out more as the novel goes on. I also like how Ivy is skeptical of Grey in the beginning of the chapter and has been for quite some time now but she’s the one to be fond of Gidget instead of Nikki.

The crescent moon grinning at them reminds me of the moon from Soul Eater or the moon from The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask--just a connection I wanted to make. I like the personification of the moon and that’s another example of what I mean by liking your writing--the prose itself is often quite beautiful and while this can use a bit of brushing up and while the chapter doesn’t progress us too much to the next plot point, I definitely liked this. Not too slow, not too fast this far with the pacing although I’m itching to learn more about everything. Nice job once again, Fort.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Tue Sep 12, 2017 10:36 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Just keep reviewing, just keep reviewing...

Nit-picks and nice moments:

One had paint splattered all over it with no seeming design, and one was just red.

Giggled at that.

“It’s alright. I made him some mechanical fishes

Unless he means that in the cute way, like, look at the little fishies.

“Don’t worry about her. I think Gidgit’s cute.” Ivy smiled.

“Well thanks, I guess,” said Grey.

I would have liked to see Grey's reaction to Nikki's reaction, not just Grey's reaction to Ivy's reaction to Nikki's reaction. I realise I didn't have to just say that bit after the comma but it just seemed really fun to say :P

Overall:

I was glad to see a reference to the doom that Alder was predicting, because I am clearer on the context of the story now. I think it would have helped to solve ambiguity at first if when Ivy originally saw the flyer she had in some way indicated that she hadn't heard of this supposed danger. It would just mean I was less distracted by that.

I really like our tour of the various machines and their stories are all really funny xD It makes it feel more of a shame that Alder isn't tinkering away like this any more.

I also am really beginning to understand Nikki's character and I'm eager to see the effect that she is going to have on each of the characters. Oh, I would quite like to know at some point how her and Ivy know each other. It's not particularly clear right now.

Lastly, I think your references to the doom and gloom thing are coming at a good pace, which is often not the case with stories (and something I am struggling with in my own story rn).

I'll see you for one more chapter tonight then many, many more in quick succession in the coming days,
Biscuits :)




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Wed Aug 23, 2017 3:42 pm
ChocoDanish wrote a review...



wow XD dang but seriously please describe surroundings more and Ivy and Nikki please. It seems to be steampunk but i might be wrong. i know it isn't medieval.

“Oh don’t sound so skeptical Ivy! That machine could save your life one day!” Grey lowered his voice.


if he was lowering his voice why the exclamation marks? that is contradictory. Maybe hissed or he exclaimed but tried to keep his voice down. Y is he trying to keep his voice down? can sound travel through the hideout?




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Wed Aug 23, 2017 3:36 pm
ChocoDanish says...



funny chapter




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Tue Jul 11, 2017 1:36 am
Dossereana says...



Okay I am confused, I thort that we were in the post, :( a nether thing there going throo the machines a gen, a nether thing were is the mistrey, and Nikki said right twise but the rest was okay, :D




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Wed Mar 22, 2017 10:51 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



Back again! I feel like the pacing is dragging a bit at the start of this chapter, just because of course we just had a flashback. Maybe you can consider whether Grey's flashback has a more appropriate place later in the story after we get a bit more forward action.

Here's something that made me think twice:

They were big, hulking giants made of brass, bronze, iron, nickel, and all sorts of heavy metals.


I went and did a search in Google to find what heavy metals were, and found this paragraph on Wikipedia:

The earliest known metals—common metals such as iron, copper, and tin, and precious metals such as silver, gold, and platinum—are heavy metals. From 1809 onwards, light metals, such as magnesium, aluminium, and titanium, were discovered, as well as less well-known heavy metals including gallium, thallium, and hafnium.


So it' seems a bit odd that iron is included in the first list. Also, just consider the fact that your reader might not understand what differentiates brass or bronze from heavy metals, and may think all metals are pretty heavy, and so just kind of get tripped up in this passage.

“Of course. I can’t really believe you want to stay. Alder’s crazy, you know?”


This is a little strange as well! They want to leave and go home, but then he says they want to "stay"? And sure, they want to stay, but to do what? What on earth are they thinking they will get from this?? I guess the pamphlet wasn't clear enough for me to understand.

the crescent moon grinned at them once again, as if it knew all about the mysterious machines beneath the city.


I really, really enjoy this line. It opens up the space so much, and brings to attention the contrast between the world they've known this whole time and the one they just dipped into. It does make me wonder, however, how Grey and the old man have the money? time? station? to get such a big, private space in the city!

Again, if you've any questions or comments about the review, please PM or reply. I am hoping that there's some forward motion in the next part! I have so many questions, I feel like I need at least one of the answers! Haha. :)

Hannah




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Wed Mar 22, 2017 10:45 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey fortis! I was looking for something to review today and your tag made me remember this!

So I'm really happy that we get to see what some of the machines do. And I think you did a great job contributing to the atmosphere with the different machines, while not spending too long on them. I have to say I'm curious how one tries to make a machine that makes bubbles and winds up with one that takes salt out of water. And I loved the "but that's how you know it's working" gag.

I find it really interesting that Grey doesn't seem to understand what's up with this talk of darkness any more than Ivy or Nikki do. And I want answers, of course. :P

One had paint splattered all over it with no seeming design, and one was just red.

Okay, so I'm like 90% sure that this is a joke about modern art styles,, and it made me laugh a lot. A+ joke, well-executed.

I was confused about the lift. It sounded like it wasn't attached to anything - you said it had no walls or railing, and just went up in the center of the staircase. Was it just floating upwards? Was it some sort of antigrav? That doesn't seem to fit with what I'd thought of as the time period's technology.

Honestly, this was a really enjoyable chapter. Your characters are engaging and likable and the setting is so interesting. I'm sorry this review is so short, but don't have too much to suggest at this point - the last line especially was great, very atmospheric.

I'll probably come back tomorrow for the next chapter!




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Tue Mar 14, 2017 3:25 am
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Que wrote a review...



Hey forti!

Once again, you have a really nice chapter. I love seeing your characters interact with each other, and it was neat that we got to see what some of the machines do. Though I don't have much to critique, I am surprised that the girls don't immediately question Grey. After Alder's crazy speech, wouldn't they want to know more about what's actually going on and what they need to do and such? And since Grey merely calls it "crazy-talk", does he really know what's going on? After being an apprentice for so long, he should have a pretty decent idea of what Alder's trying to do, and I suspect that the girls would ask him in order to start piecing it together. If you don't want to give it all the way, Grey could just hint that they would "get to know more at the next meeting".

On a separate note, it makes me so pleased that Grey got Ivy's name tight!

The lift seemed to crawl on forever, but Ivy was glad she didn’t have to climb back up the millions of steps. Just when she had calmed down to a reasonable fear-level, the lift stopped with a jolt and Ivy broke out into a cold sweat all over again.

In my mind, the lift was moving much faster at first. Maybe you could say that it seemed fast and dangerous to Ivy even though it moved slowly, and it felt like it took forever because of this. I doubt a lift that also carries heavy machinery would go very fast- I feel like it would also have some sort of railing or gate, unless it was in a tight space.

So, I didn't have much to say this chapter because it's so nice! I'm excited to see the friendships forming between Grey and the girls, I think you do a great job with that. :)

Can't wait for the next one!!

-Falc





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