Hi there Forti! This is Kays back again to review this novel of yours in the midst of cooking although I do mean to go into this with guns blazing because the more I read of this, the more I want to read more of this. :p
Woah. I didn't expect to be changing perspectives but I don't dislike this either since I wrote my first novel under multiple perspectives and there can be benefits to doing this that are definitely highlighted in another novel I've been following which is @Lightsong's Dancer of the Fire Blade that utilizes different perspectives in a positive way.
I come back to this a day later seeing as I want to complete Team Tortoise this month and eventually earn that new star but for now I can only do a review seeing as I have deadlines for other events such as LMS and Inktober to meet today. Picking up where I left off, there's a bit of repetition in the first five paragraphs seeing as every other paragraph (the first, third and fifth all begin with the name 'Grey' which becomes stale and that can be fixed in a future draft).
Grey felt his heart swell with pride at the machines he had worked on that he couldn’t even see clearly. He looked at Ivy and could see her face glowing with curiosity and wonder. “It kinda is, isn’t it?” he said.
Here's another place of awkward wording near the end of the first sentence with the 'he had worked on that he couldn't even see clearly' part is awkward so I'm going to suggest rewording that. Furthermore, I do want to talk about Grey outside of structure and flow of a few of his sentences in his perspective in this chapter. I didn't expect for this to overlap with the last chapter and maybe there can be cutting down of that in the next draft to avoid the reader reading the near-identical content in a shorter and briefer form to get to another point? I realize that the point of overlapping and having both Ivy's perspective developed and Grey's developed early on is important and having the two earn enough page time early on is important to balance out the perspectives but I do hope that this is kept to a minimum except for when perspective comes in handy, showing the other side such as we're seeing right now by how Grey is utterly bored by the old man's speeches (I hope he ends up receiving more character, by the way, he seems interesting) while Ivy is amused. We also see that this leads into a flashback where we receive a line that's particularly powerful and this is what I mean when I say that I like the writing more than the dialogue--a comment I made early on.
His parents would be glad to be rid of him. He was a burden on them financially, another mouth to feed in a family that only wanted to feed their image.
This. This sentence leaves a strong impact and I love that. As for Alder Thornton, I may not be remembering correctly but is this the old man? If not, I remember hearing his name before either in the novel or from you talking about him in Discord but I can't remember exactly where. Overall I can see the flashback being done a little stronger with revisions and editing to cut out those bits of awkward wording and to make the execution stronger but overall this is an enjoyable chapter to receive backstory about Grey from.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Points: 220
Reviews: 1081
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