~1027
Kerra burst back into the flower-filled greenhouse shouting, “The surface?! I knew you were crazy but this, this… is inexpressibly idiotic! This surpasses all stupidity!”
Shandi had frozen mid-stride, two bags of fertilizer held tightly against her body. Everyone else had frozen too, except the Grin, who suddenly appeared behind Kerra, looking guilty. “Grin,” Shandi said slowly between clenched teeth, “what did you do?”
The Grin stood up straighter and fixed the mobile half of his mouth into a disapproving frown. “Kerra deserves to know. You can’t just leave her wondering what happened to you.”
“We weren’t supposed to tell anyone about it!” Shandi screeched.
The Grin gave her a hard look. “Since when have you ever been a stickler for rules? And besides, if anyone should know, it’s Kerra. She’s helped us more times than I can count. I know I can always count on her when I need a safehouse. She deserves to know, and if I have to be the one to tell her instead of her own sister, so be it.” He folded his arms.
Kerra noticed out of the corner of her eye that Numbers was nodding, and she felt a sudden rush of love for these people. But that love was quickly replaced with the realization that they were leaving her. All of them. Her friends were practically signing their own death sentences, and the dread of knowing this settled in her stomach. Her angry outburst had left her feeling suddenly drained, and the only thing she could manage was a croaked, “Why?”
Shandi snorted. “I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
“She deserves to know,” the Grin repeated.
Shandi looked away, as if surveying the lilies-of-the-valley. “We aren’t… liked very much here. Our gang, I mean. We get a lot of trouble. I don’t want to go into details. I don’t want you pitying me or anything. You always do. That’s why I keep so much from you. So when Mar- I mean, the head gang leader needed a team to connect with the offshoot civilizations out across the wasteland, I volunteered us.” She shrugged, like it was that simple.
“Wait, wait wait,” Kerra said, shaking her head. “I thought you were the gang leader.”
Shandi sighed and rolled her eyes. “You really don’t know anything, do you?”
“No! You never tell me anything!”
“My gang,” Shandi gestured around her, “is just a small part of a much bigger enterprise. It’s one you don’t need to know or worry about. The less you know, the safer you are.”
“Okay, fine,” Kerra spat. She wanted to know more, but she knew she wouldn’t get it, and there was something else bothering her. “What do you mean by the ‘offshoot civilizations across the wasteland?’ You’re not saying there are more people out there than just live in Abyssia, are you?”
“Come on, Kerra! You can’t be this thick! Did you really think that the only people to survive the war or whatever all ended up living in one place?”
Kerra defensively spread her arms and widened her eyes. “Uh, yeah, that is what I think since there’s literally no reason to think anyone else survived. Why you think so is beyond me.”
“They’re out there,” Shandi said cryptically. “And my boss wants to reach them before the Council does. It’s only just a matter of time before they try.”
Kerra didn’t know quite how to respond to this. It sounded like a crazy conspiracy theory, but Shandi was looking at her so earnestly. Changing tactics, she asked, “And then what’s the fertilizer for, then?”
Shandi quirked an eyebrow. “I think that’s information you’d rather not know. But… maybe I’ll tell you if you agree to help us. You are in on the secret now, after all. No thanks to Maxwell ‘Blabbermouth’ Smiley over there.” She shot the Grin a scathing look. He gave a slow smile and shrugged lazily, with all the languid torpor of a cat stretching in the sunlight.
Kerra paused. “What kind of help are you talking about. I am not going to the surface with you, no matter what you–”
“Don’t worry, I would never ask you to do something that dangerous,” Shandi clarified. “We were just in need of some storage space, you know? And your apartment is so close and convenient that it just seemed perfect!”
“Storage space?” Kerra asked, her voice monotone with anticipated regret.
“For the fertilizer!” Shandi’s voice had taken on an unnaturally chipper tone. “Wouldn’t that just be the perfect way to repay us for getting you down here? You said you’d always wanted to visit! Why not repay the favor by holding onto… oh, say, about seventy bags of this premium fertilizer!”
“Shandi,” Kerra said, shaking her head in disbelief, “I don’t know who you think I am, but my apartment is my home, not some place for a gang to stash their stolen goods! I thought that–”
“Please, sis. We need somewhere to put it. We need to get onto the surface. We need to do what we were told to do. If we don’t…” She shuddered. “Well, some bad things happen. To all of us. Please. Help us. Help me.”
Shandi stepped forward and took Kerra’s hand so lightly that Kerra almost didn’t feel the pain that accompanied all physical touch. It was this simple gesture that won Kerra over. Shandi showing that she truly understood and cared about Kerra enough to remember her pain even in the heat of the moment. It was this kindness that caused Kerra to agree to one of the strangest arrangements in her life: seventy bags of premium fertilizer stacked in Kerra’s living room.
They brought with them a smell Kerra loved, but she was also careful not to light any matches. They brought with them the fear that someone would notice the smell and question her, but, as per usual, Kerra’s only visitors were various members of Shandi’s gang, who would come to collect one or two bags every few days.
As the stacks shrank, Kerra couldn’t help but feel as if Shandi was getting farther and farther away from her.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi!! Back with another review..
First Impression: Ah...Kerra is very bad at keeping secrets. And that is quite a sad ending there. She seems so powerless and helpless to do anything but watch as her sister leaves her. Quite some emotion in those last few lines.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Very subtle Kerra. *applause*
That was quite a heavy statement if you look just a little bit below the surface of it.
The sadness begins to set in.
That does sound like a crazy conspiracy theory.
That's a ridiculous amount to stuff into an apartment but okay...
First of all how does she live in that living room and second wow Shandi has Kerra wrapped around her finger.
This is a ridiculously emotional statement to end on there. Lovely ending there. You can definitely feel Kerra's emotion.
Aaand that's it.
Overall: Another great chapter. Kerra seems a little bit easy to manipulate in this chapter. She protested for like on line of dialogue then gave up so that seems a little too fast. Besides that I love the heavy emotion captured in this chapter. Looking forward to reading more of this.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Forti!
Shady back with another review for you this fine evening. I do feel myself winding down a bit now, so this is probably either the last or second to last review you'll be getting tonight (how the heck is it already 3 am?), but let's get straight to the good stuff...
Oh, Kerra, not very good with secrets, are we? He just told you that he's telling you something he shouldn't -- and then you explode about it. I mean, for good reason, but way to throw your informant under the bus. Man.
See what you've done Kerra? Gah. Don't throw the messenger under the bus that your scary sister is driving.
~ ~ ~
Aww, this is taking such a tragic turn. Poor Kerra. See what dabbling on the other side of the law gets you? That's right, dragged into the schemes of your criminal sister, that's what.
I think this story is getting me so much because I am still very much seeing the parallel between Kerra and Shandi and me and my own sister. There were so many stupid and avoidable situations that I got dragged into because I had too soft of a heart, which my sister knew how to play expertly. As such, this feels like really authentic
Anyhow, I really liked this chapter (shocker), and I'd really like to read on, but I think I've finally come to the point where I need sleep, so I think I'm going to do that instead. Hopefully I'll be able to pick up tomorrow with reading and reviewing some more!
Keep writing!
~Shady
-> Part Seven
'Mar-' is only a three letter hint, but after reading up to part twelve and looking back I'm wondering if that's Maru. I think not, Maru is an old lady in a wheelchair with a funky attitude and I can't imagine her being a gang leader, but it would be amazing if she was!
So Kerra was never a part of the plan... except now she's being used as a storage point for seventy bags of fertiliser. And The Grin was the one to deem her worthy of being trusted and tell her what was going on. Nope, I'm still not feeling the love from Shandi, especially not with that last line.
I found this part to be a little blander than the others, I guess because so far each part has had something quite gripping about it but this one seems to de-escalate a lot of things. Kerra is still harbouring some pretty dangerous cargo, but it doesn't seem to be as built up as the others. The dialogue is also a bit dry, it feels like there's a lot of 'oh you don't know so now I'm going to have to tell you.' Maybe a bit of background noise could spruce it up. I'd love to see how the rest of the crew react when Kerra mentions their plan, I'm particularly interested in how they cope- if at all- with the idea that this might not go to plan, if they're nervous at all or if they just hope for the best and try not to think about it.
Next part enspoilered after reading part twelve to not give anything away if someone happens to glance over this review;
Spoiler
-> Part Eight
Oh my goodness I didn't mean for that but it would be hilarious haha I don't think so, though. I should change those 3 letters to something else haha
Oh, hello again old friend! I've fallen desperately off of my reviewing game, but here I am in an attempt to catch up before RevMo ends.
First off, I'm really adoring the way this story is developing. The world just got a whole lot bigger with this realization that there could be more people out there outside of Abyssia and I'm thrilled that while Kerra hasn't gone out there (yet, at least) it still feels like things are starting to change. And change is what stories are built around.
The little moments in this chapter are all such a pleasure. The touch between Shandi and Kerra, Grin's, well, grin. And the fertilizer being stacked up in Kerra's apartment. They're the kinds of details that really expand characters and story and there was something just especially satisfying about the way you managed that in this chapter in particular.
The only other thing I want to mention:
Here's a bit of worldbuilding I'd like to know more about. I can make some guesses at what is so deadly about the surface (considering they all live underground, and I believe we had a bit of this info in chapter one?) but this feels like an opportunity to delve more into the social consequences and/or history of going to the surface. I'm sure they're not the first to consider trying, so what happens to people who do? How do the people living underneath the ground think and feel about people who go above?
Otherwise, fabulous chapter! I'm so excited to be diving back into this story, and I know some chapters have been lingering in the Green Room so I'm really hoping to catch all the way up very soon! <3
Thanks so much for sharing, and keep writing!
--Lauren
Greeting fortis.
I am swooping in on this work from the middle of the novel so my apologies if this review is not the most marvelous.
I rely on the title and the opening line in any piece that I survey, which doesn't seem to be much of a standard anymore. And I'm sure that it makes more sense when the reader is flowing in from the previous chapter, but such an opening does nothing for me. There's not even really the effect left behind to make me question what all these details are and who the character is. Obviously the current speaker is frustrated about something but with no backstory as of yet, my interest is not there for the relevance of the dramatic surface.
Then there is the introduction of this character into the chapter, who is the only one who isn't really explained. The other characters give us very few details about their lives but they can be recognized as some types of forms. Whereas I don't know if you're referring to a robot or a spirit or some sort of being, which I'm sure is another detail that you've given out before. It doesn't matter how many details you've given out before though because that's not going to be helping me anymore right now?
My judge of a chapter also depends on "would I be interested in this novel with a snippet from the middle?" And for what has been presented here, I just wouldn't. There's all sorts of talk of these big things coming together and dramatic people spread across the land, with the ending falling back to moping after someone. Different than how moping after a character is usually presented to an audience under the pretense, but also not terribly enticing.
So I'm not sure where to go from here but I assume I should go back and read the rest.
That's all for now.
Happy revmo.
Birdman.
Hello again, fortis, and happy RevMo!
I feel like on one hand, it's a little obvious what Grin did and she'd be much more likely to ask, "did you seriously tell her?" On the other hand, I always end up asking the super obvious questions like "did you get your hair cut?" so the current phrase could still work.
Got some excellent characterization going on there, I love it. <3
"the head gang leader" sounds like it could be a little more precise, like a title or maybe something descriptive like "the ____ leader" (I'm not sure if that would be like organization or syndicate or whatever the grand scale thing is). Also, interesting that Shandi seems to know him/her on some sort of name basis!
I feel like this part could maybe use a little work? With Kerra's gesture, I totally get what you're talking about, but the way it's phrased sounds a little weird. I'm not sure if there's another way to put it, though.
Other than that, I thought that Kerra seems to put quite a lot of blind faith in the history she's been told? It seems to me that through the chaos, there were lots of gaps, and that it's perfectly reasonable to assume there could at least be the possibility of other civilizations out there. Maybe it would be helpful if there was a piece of information like, "all of the countries across the globe banded together to get the last few survivors into Abyssia" so that it doesn't seem as if other countries or groups could have had survivors or different methods of escape.
That sounds... really suspicious. Why would this leader want to try to find other groups of people? hm...
I feel like Shandi goes from sort of a lighter, teasing tone to a more serious one in a really brief period of time. I feel like character-wise, she could do that, because maybe she just uses humor and shrugging things off to hide what she thinks is most important, but the speed of this change just seems a little insincere. I think that maybe what could make it seem a little more authentic is a line about something shifting in Shandi's eyes or her body posture before she says that to Kerra--I know that she takes Kerra's hand, but I feel like a little line before the dialogue would help to establish her sincerity somehow.
I also love how it's always identified as "premium" fertilizer.
You talked a lot about the other characters in the last few chapters, and I really would've liked to see one or two mentioned in this chapter as well! They're a little bit of a background to Kerra's and Shandi's conversation, but I feel as though one or two could be skimmed over as being awkward in the background or something. I'm not quite sure how to say what I mean here.
I'm glad that Kerra is getting wrapped up in this--I don't know what will happen from here, but I feel sure that using her apartment as storage space won't be the end of it! One thing I was going to mention is the surface. If Kerra's other sister is currently in space, then there had to have been a spaceship launch aboveground, and thus an established route to the surface. I don't know if it was maybe just too toxic to stay out long? Or if the council didn't want to do much discovering. But I feel as if there would definitely be a somewhat easy way out if others had to have gone to the surface before, unless it was closed off after the space launch (since it was hundreds of years ago).
Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on all your chapters this weekend! I'm having a ton of fun reading this.
-Q