Connection - 25

by Rook

Published December 24, 2018

In Current Novel: Connection

~1148 words

(directly continued from previous chapter)

There were, however, also people who had not removed their chip. Kerra was able to rule out all of these because not a single one had gone anywhere near Ruth’s apartment.

She was finally left with a list of about thirty people who had anomalies that could have helped them commit such a crime and who had also removed their location chips. She started combing through the small details of each one, looking for something that would make one suspect stick out more than another.

She wasn’t finding much until… there. The file of Destiny Dupree-Hollins looked as if it had been tampered with. There was a special note saying that the file had been wiped, but some of the information had been recovered using a remote backup from several years earlier. The information that had been recovered included things like her name, date of birth, gender, address, and parents, but many other, more detailed pieces of information had not been restored. That would have been enough for Kerra to sit up and pay attention, but it was something else that placed Destiny fully into suspect territory: there were a couple names listed under “known friends” that Kerra recognized.

She recognized the names George Ramirez and Angela Lefebvre as Numbers and Angelface. If Destiny was friends with them, it seemed likely that she had known Shandi too. In addition to a host of useless anomalies like regenerating teeth and a sensitivity to magnets, Destiny had an anomaly that seemed to perfectly fit the crime: semi-malleable skin, which she could take advantage of by changing her facial structure to more resemble Shandi’s to get Ruth to open the door. Additionally, from the old picture in the file, it looked as if Destiny had light brown skin very similar to Shandi’s. Kerra also assumed that such skin was less likely to flake off constantly and leave behind DNA evidence.

Kerra didn’t know how Destiny might have influenced Ruth to kill herself, or make it look like she’d killed herself, but Kerra was sure that there was some way it could have happened. She could figure that part out later. The most pressing problem was finding Destiny. She’d removed her chip, of course, and the address that the file listed was likely outdated. After a little bit of poking around, Kerra discovered that the address listed was actually where Destiny’s parents, Mrs. Dupree and Mr. Hollins lived.

Kerra set Destiny aside for the moment and combed through the rest of the suspects. If she was going to actually go to Destiny’s parents’ house, she wanted to make sure there was no stronger suspect. There wasn’t. None of the other suspects had any connection to Ruth or Shandi at all, and what’s more, their files were untampered with. There was something fishy about Destiny Dupree-Hollins, and Kerra was going to get to the bottom of it.

---

It was the anniversary of the ship’s launch, and, as usual, everyone had been invited to a ship-wide social. The cafeteria was full, with almost all of the 175-person crew in attendance. It was a lot of people, but they had all been awake for a few years now, and Everen knew them all. She scanned the crowd of grinning, chatting faces. Everyone looked relieved to have an evening away from work and it was a release they dearly needed what with the recent murders.

Everen’s usual day, however, consisted mostly of socializing until someone needed to send a message to Earth, and so the break aspect of this gathering was not nearly as exciting to her as the idea that the murderer was likely somewhere in this room.

Sure, maybe the murderer was avoiding the party, too wracked with guilt to show their face, but Everen had made a special note of all the people who were not in attendance. She’d seen all of them in the past week, and all of them had jobs that were essential to keep the ship running. It could be one of them, but Everen guessed that a mastermind culprit would not want to draw attention to themselves by not being in attendance at something like this.

From where she sat at a table in the front corner of the room, she looked from face to face, scrutinizing every one. Sure, there were a couple people in the crew that always rubbed Everen the wrong way, but she couldn’t imagine any of them murdering their crewmates.

This left two options: Either someone was a psychopath and was expertly hiding the fact that they didn’t care about others with their deceptive charms, or someone actually thought they were doing the right thing somehow.

If it was the first option, she could rule several people out. Some people just don’t have the chops to being a psychopath. For example, Everen could tell that Janna was no psychopath. Based on the emotional conversations they’d had in the past, Everen knew Janna’s love and empathy ran deep. Not that Janna was a suspect anyway. Everen had exposed the misaligned units of measure to her, and Everen was still around. Not to mention the fact that she’d been with Janna when the first murder had happened.

That’s right, alibis, Everen thought to herself. About a third of the ship had an airtight alibi for at least one of the murders. Everen could rule those people out for now, unless there were multiple killers or some sort of collusion going on. That was something at least.

But she couldn’t rule out the people who Everen knew weren’t psychopaths. Perhaps the murderer really thought they were doing the right thing by killing those people. Everen couldn’t know for sure. She’d have to keep looking into the murders.

Everen suddenly sighed. She felt like she was getting nowhere. Sure, she’d maybe ruled out one third of the ship, but so had all of the investigation teams, and that hadn’t gotten them anywhere. Why did she think she could be doing anything different?

She did know one thing that maybe no one else knew: the measurements were different. She’d thought there was no one she could tell, but maybe, just maybe there was. There was safety in numbers after all. Maybe she could tell all of the people with alibis. Anonymously of course. And then she’d ask them all to attend a meeting together where as a whole, they could search for someone who… someone who…

Everen didn’t know. What kind of question could she ask to the murderer that only the murderer would answer in a certain way? She groaned. She was so close to a good idea, but there was always something stopping her from executing her plans. She’d have to bring up this idea with Janna. She knew she couldn’t trust anyone 100%, but now Everen also knew that she couldn’t do it alone.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Que
Review
Que wrote a review Review · Jan 12, 2019

Heya fortis! I'm back again for another amazing chapter. :)

Destiny Dupree-Hollins

I'm sorry, but can we just take a moment to admire how fabulous this name is? :D

there were a couple names listed under “known friends” that Kerra recognized.

She recognized the names

A smidge redundant here.

Additionally, from the old picture in the file, it looked as if Destiny had light brown skin very similar to Shandi’s. Kerra also assumed that such skin was less likely to flake off constantly and leave behind DNA evidence.

Maybe switch the order of these two sentences? Because the skin flaking off is more related to its ability to shift and reform than its color.

Kerra set Destiny aside for the moment

Doesn't she know that you can never set destiny aside? ;)

It was the anniversary of the ship’s launch, and, as usual, everyone had been invited to a ship-wide social.

As usual? But they would have been asleep for all of the other anniversaries. I know that like two sentences later it says that some people had been awake from years, but does that include Everen as well? Is this completely new for some people?

but Everen had made a special note of all the people who were not in attendance.

I love how she thinks of every possibility and examines it closely!

Some people just don’t have the chops to being a psychopath.

Is 'being' the right word here?

Wow, it seems like Kerra is doing a lot better than Everen in her search--which is strange because Everen is on a ship with constricted numbers. I'm very curious about the outcome of both, especially since the chapters are alternating more frequently! I know you've probably mentioned the number of people awake/on the ship before, but I keep forgetting, so sometimes it seems like there are a lot and sometimes very few. I hope that in Everen's chapters and investigations, we can meet a few more people from the ship to get a better sense of who the crew is and who suspects might be.

I love how things are heating up! In Kerra's point of view, I hope she still gets the chance to interact with others from the gang and maybe Drigg--we didn't get to see him very much. But I love the way this has been going, and I can't wait to see what twists might be coming, and what solutions might exist as well. :)

-Q

User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2018

Heya fort,

Breathe a sigh of relief, I'm finally to your last chapter posted. One more review and then I'll be out of your hair ;) Also, a bit of an aside, but did you notice -- Red Team is back to first place, where we belong. Woot-woot! Let's get started...

Kerra was able to rule out all of these because not a single one had gone anywhere near Ruth’s apartment.


Smart, smart... work smarter not harder. Love it.

She was finally left with a list of about thirty people who had anomalies that could have helped them commit such a crime and who had also removed their location chips.


Okay, this is another aside, but something else that came to mind. So, if the government is creepy and wants to keep tabs on people, then how are so many people getting away with removing their location chips? You'd think that if the government placed them there in the first place, then surely these people would be caught and re-chipped once the government noticed they were running around rogue, no?

She recognized the names George Ramirez and Angela Lefebvre as Numbers and Angelface.


Ahhh, the explanation I so coveted. Thank you ;)

There was something fishy about Destiny Dupree-Hollins, and Kerra was going to get to the bottom of it.


Yes, but how are you going to explain that, if you do? I lied to use my clearance to get top-secret files from a stupid, muscular secretary... not gonna go so hot for ya, Kerra. I sure hope you have a plan...

But she couldn’t rule out the people who Everen knew weren’t psychopaths.


Does... she... know that some people are psychopaths, then? Why are they allowed to roam freely throughout the ship, if so???

~ ~ ~

I really liked this chapter (surprise, surprise, lol)! It was really cool getting to see both sisters, independently and separately, but simultaneously combing through evidence trying to find the people responsible for the murders. There's just a bit of parallel and similarity, while different circumstances, that is charming.


I think that's about all I have for you! I can't guarantee I'd be able to keep up with following your LMS, as my life is insanely busy and I'm bad about getting behind, but if you wanted to add me to your taglist then I'd be down for that and would be willing to try to at least somewhat keep up. I'm really enjoying your story!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

User avatar
Twit
Review
Twit wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2018

Hey fortis!

There were, however, also people who had not removed their chip. Kerra was able to rule out all of these because not a single one had gone anywhere near Ruth’s apartment.

Do you need all these words? I feel it would read smoother trimmed down.


She was finally left with a list of about thirty people who had anomalies that could have helped them commit such a crime and who had also removed their location chips.

Again, this feels rather wordy. Style differs obvs, but try cutting down: thirty people with the right anomalies who had also removed their chips


The information that had been recovered included things like her name, date of birth, gender, address, and parents, but many other, more detailed pieces of information had not been restored.

Try The recovered information included...


there were a couple names listed under “known friends” that Kerra recognized.

She recognized the names George Ramirez and Angela Lefebvre as Numbers and Angelface.

Repetition - can you reword?


In addition to a host of useless anomalies like regenerating teeth and a sensitivity to magnets, Destiny had an anomaly that seemed to perfectly fit the crime: semi-malleable skin, which she could take advantage of by changing her facial structure to more resemble Shandi’s to get Ruth to open the door.

Verrrrry long sentence.


Additionally, from the old picture in the file, it looked as if Destiny had light brown skin very similar to Shandi’s. Kerra also assumed that such skin was less likely to flake off constantly and leave behind DNA evidence.

Could you integrate Kerra's assumptions into the narrative so there's less distance? Instead of using phrases like Kerra assumed, write the narrative as if it's Kerra's thoughts, so we get everything through her focalisation: Maybe such skin was less likely to flake off and leave behind DNA evidence.


Kerra didn’t know how Destiny might have influenced Ruth to kill herself, or make it look like she’d killed herself, but Kerra was sure that there was some way it could have happened. She could figure that part out later.

Again, can you focalise this?


After a little bit of poking around, Kerra discovered that the address listed was actually where Destiny’s parents, Mrs. Dupree and Mr. Hollins lived.

Can you describe or show this poking?


There was something fishy about Destiny Dupree-Hollins, and Kerra was going to get to the bottom of it.

Not loving this sentence as these are both quite cliched phrases.


It could be one of them, but Everen guessed that a mastermind culprit would not want to draw attention to themselves by not being in attendance at something like this.

wordy birdy

-

tldr; focalisation and wordiness

keep writing! message me with any questions or follow up

-twit

User avatar
Ejay1806
Review
Ejay1806 wrote a review Review · Dec 25, 2018

Hey there! Ejay here for a quick review.
To be honest, I returned to this website after nearly a year. And, I am mighty glad that I chose to review one of your pieces. I really liked the narrative style, and the names that you chose for your characters, Everen and Janna are so tantalisingly unique.
Overall, this piece read extremely well. I hope that you will continue to write like this.
Have a great day.
Cheers!

Regards,
Ejay



the only theft here is of decency when carina decided to rob me of my pride and put me on a banana
— veeren