Connection - 34

by Rook

Published February 25, 2019

In Current Novel: Connection

~1035

“Janna, do you have some time to talk? And I mean like, a lot of time. And energy. And open-mindedness.” Everen was poking her head into the infirmary, where Janna was sitting at her desk, scratching numbers on a tablet as usual.

Janna looked up at Everen, looked down at her work, wrote a few more things, and then switched off her tablet. With a sigh in her voice, she said, “Sure Everen, what is it?”

“You don’t sound prepared for what I’m about to tell you.” But Everen slid all the way into the room, anyway, closing the door behind her. “Does this door lock?”

“Does the door to the emergency medical center—open 24 hours a day in case there’s an emergency—lock?” Janna reiterated dryly.

Everen strode further into the room. “Right, dumb question. Help me drag one of the beds over in front of the door.” She began pulling at one of the hospital beds.

Unruffled, Janna said, “Everen, if you’re suffering from paranoia, I want you to know that you’re not the only one, and that there are people who can help you, but I’m not one of them. We have a whole team of psychologists who have been helping a lot of people recently with paranoia. They have practice. Would you like me to walk you over?”

“I know where the psychology department is,” Everen said, turning to roll her eyes at Janna. “And I’m not being paranoid.” She paused a moment, considering. “Okay, maybe I am being a little bit paranoid, but when you hear what I have to tell you, you will be too. There’s no way that this room could be bugged or anything, right?”

“Everen. We wear communicators with us at all times. There’s no need to bug the room.”

Everen stared down at the communicator band on her wrist as if she’d never noticed it before. “We gotta take these off and put them somewhere they can’t hear us.”

Janna sighed. “If I do that, will you finally tell me what’s going on?”

Everen nodded.

“Fine. Give me yours.” She slipped off her own communicator and made a beckoning motion with an open hand. Everen gratefully plopped her wristband into it. Janna walked over to the wall and pressed on a certain point. A drawer popped out, and she dumped both communicators into it. She shut the drawer with a click, and it once again seemed like no more than a part of the wall. “Now what is this about?”

“You must promise to speak of this to no one,” Everen said. She boosted herself up so she could sit on the edge of the hospital bed.

Janna rolled her eyes, but when Everen gave her a hard look she said, “Fine, fine. I promise.”

Everen studied her for a moment, then nodded. “Alright. You know how I can speak telepathically with my sister? Well, it turns out, that there are some other beings that use the same… let’s call it a frequency, to communicate. And they just so happen to live on the planet we are headed to.” Everen began to explain how she’d first talked to the motes.

Janna listened quietly, even when it seemed like any normal person would butt in and demand to know why she hadn’t immediately told the captain. She listened all the way through to the end, when the motes had revealed that the captain was the murderer. When it was clear that Everen was done, Janna said, “Wow, okay. You’re lucky I trust you to not be crazy, otherwise, I’d definitely think you’d lost it. But if there’s one thing I’m not surprised about, it’s that the captain is behind this.”

Everen gaped. “What? Why would you suspect her?”

“She’s been suspicious to me for a while, but what am I supposed to do? Accuse her?” Janna threw her hands into the air. “And then when the murders started happening, I got even more suspicious. But I would be next! What was I supposed to do?” she repeated.

“I’ve never once suspected her,” Kerra said, furrowing her brow. “What made you suspicious?”

“She talks like she’s always going to be in control. She’s always paying attention to the meetings about how society is going to run on the planet when she should really be more concerned with the science behind getting the ship to land safely, you know, the stuff I’m doing. I think she has a mind to make herself queen or something,” Janna grumbled.

“What? How have I never noticed this?”

“Tell me, what do you think of our dear captain?”

“She’s successfully gotten us this far, she runs a tight ship that works together in a manner tha-”

“No,” Janna snapped. “Don’t tell me what she’s done. You know some of the awful things she’s done now. Tell me about her personality. What she’s like.”

Everen thought for a moment, and then shrugged. “I don’t know. She’s always seemed really busy. She seems no-nonsense and distant. All work and no play. I haven’t really gotten to know her all that well. She mostly just uses me to send and receive messages from Earth.”

Exactly!” Janna nearly shouted, startling Everen into glancing at the door to see if someone had been listening. “You may not know her, but she knows you. She knows that you are perceptive, especially when it comes to people. She’s afraid of you, Everen. Afraid you’ll see her for what she really is, a slippery, conniving, little-” she bit off the end of the sentence. Taking a calming breath, she began again, “She avoids you, Everen. And that more than anything is what started to tip me off. Who would avoid you when you’re so charming, enthusiastic, and fun to be around?” Janna blushed a little, as if she hadn’t realized what she was saying.

“Aww, you think I’m charming?” Everen teased.

“I’m very lucky that you’ve taken a shining to me. I don’t know why you would, since I’m probably the most boring person on this ship, but I’m thankful.” Janna’s face was very red now. “Anyway,” she continued, sounding flustered, “what I’m saying is that… I believe you.”

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Mar 6, 2019

Fort!

I... clearly did not do well with that studying last week, eh? Oh well. I am here now and I'm super excited to see what you have for me next. Let's get started...

Janna rolled her eyes


Okay so this isn't really a /problem/ per se but I noticed it so I thought I would point it out. Early on in this chapter you have a lot of frustrated little mannerisms -- at least two eye rollings, sighing, dryly saying things, etc. And like I said that's not really a problem, but at the same time it was frequent enough that when I got to this line my mind was like "man there's been a lot of eye rolling in this chapter" and then I went back and realized this was only the second instance -- but I think those other little annoyance-hinting mannerisms were adding up enough to stand out? Anyway, do with that what you want.

~ ~ ~

Ooh! Developments! I'm loving it. I really like that Janna is on Everen's side, and I'm also loving seeing a new view of the captain as being sneaky and untrustworthy. The drama builds! I'm super excited to see where you're going to take this and what the heck they are going to do about their leader being a murderous jerk while they're in a spaceship in the middle of nowhere. I also dearly hope that Everen is smart enough to radio her suspicions in to the main base before she confronts the captain (if she ever does) so that she doesn't get murdered and tossed overboard and then that's that.

And... yeah I think that's it? I really liked this chapter! The gushing from Janna about Everen was a bit... unexpected? So don't really know what's going on there. But I am really glad that she has an ally and that she's not keeping everything to herself anymore. Good stuff!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

User avatar
kostia
Review
kostia wrote a review Review · Feb 25, 2019

Hello there fortis and wonderful choice of user name by the way.

I am Kostia and I m here to give you a review on this chapter.
I read some stuff from your previous chapters in order to be able to review this but I didn't have time to read the whole thing so pardon me if I m missing something.

First of all I am very picky when it comes to science fiction since I don't generally like this genre. However I think you have some good ideas and a solid plan for your plot and your characters which is something I appreciate. I enjoyed what I ve read so far.

I like the choice of names you made for your characters and they all seem interesting just like their names are.

If I m not mistaken this chapter is about a big revelation regarding the captain of the ship. (I m not sure if it has been mentioned in previews chapters) If so I would like this big revelation to be well... bigger. I would like some more agony and delay till she revieled this secret that appeared to be so important from the beggining of the chapter. I would use more hesitation on Everen's part (which is also my favorite character name so far) or simply stall the conversation with an unexpected turn of events? A call maybe? Some sort of delay to engage the reader's interest. Don't mind that note if you have worked on that in previous mentions.

Another thing I would change would be the use of irony:

"Everen, if you’re suffering from paranoia, I want you to know that you’re not the only one, and that there are people who can help you, but I’m not one of them. We have a whole team of psychologists who have been helping a lot of people recently with paranoia. They have practice. Would you like me to walk you over?”

This seemed kind of big and exagurated for an ironic remark. I guessed it was irony since those girls seem close enough to make sarcastic or ironic comments to one another. I wouldn't use so much detail in an ironic comment. Try to keep it simple if you want to highlight the irony of a situation. When I read this it gave me the impression that she was serious about it. If that is the case and she really was worried in regards to Everen's sanity then it is perfectly fine as it is.

Other than that great use of dialogue, it comes natural and the information are passed beautifly from the dialogue to the reader without long boring sentences. I like the way you used dialogue to pass important details to the reader. Good choice of words, simple and straight forward. Since you chose a complicated and colorfull theme like that it is better to keep your wording humble and simple. This way it is not tiring to the reader. I actually read and understood this part instantly without having to go through it again and again to write my review which is what I usually have to do. It really sinked in at once and that is a very rare and important skill for a writer. I like that about your prose. It was easy to read and that made it more pleasent.

Moreover I would like a more personal and emotional conversation between the girls in order to understand the nature of their relationship. This part shows a lot of Everens personality but I can't say the same about Janna. Through this part at least Janna came out as a bit of a passive, insecure character. I m not sure if that's how you want to portray her.

For instance:

“She avoids you, Everen. And that more than anything is what started to tip me off. Who would avoid you when you’re so charming, enthusiastic, and fun to be around?” Janna blushed a little, as if she hadn’t realized what she was saying.

Wasn't really Everen's part to blush as a reaction to this rather than Janna's?
Now I don't see any grammar issues in this piece maybe there are some and I didn't notice since I am not a native speaker. If you need grammar tips I am certainly not your person :P.

To summarize I liked what I ve read so far from you and you have some great ideas for a science fiction novel. However to be honnest I found this chapter to lack imagination and felt kind of poor compared to the previous chapters I read from you. Spice it up a bit. Try making it a bit longer and more detailed. I would like to see more about Janna's personality and her views on the captain.

Keep up the good work! I d love to read more from you!

Best regards
Kostia

Rook replied · Feb 25, 2019

Thanks for the review!



Everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances.
— Maya Angelou