z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Connection - 44

by Rook


It felt as if Kerra had visited every corner of Abyssia. The frustrating part was that she couldn't focus on Shandi and focus on her surroundings at the same time so she had to go home and relax just to hear her sister say that, no, she hadn't seen the mysterious stranger. Worse was the time that Shandi had actually seen him in the distance but couldn't alert Kerra of that. Kerra had been back to that area several more times but Shandi had never seen him again there.

It had only been a few days, with trips back and forth between her apartment and other parts of the city and Kerra was beginning to give up hope that she'd ever find this ghost when Kerra bumped into someone she'd never expected to see in a far-flung region of the Upper Crust.

"Out of my way!" bellowed a familiar voice from the walkway above her.

Kerra looked up just in time to see the bottom of Maru's wheelchair rolling on the grated floor, swerving around pedestrians like a car in one of those old racing movies. "Maru!" Kerra shouted, but the chair continued to fly past. "Maru!" She shouted louder.

The old woman slowed to a stop and looked around. "Who's yelling at me?" she said, sounding a bit angry. The other people on Maru's level hurried to get around and away from her, as if they were afraid she was mad at them.

"Down here! Behind you!" called Kerra.

Maru turned around and peered down through the floor. "Gracious, Kerra! You'll give an old woman a heart-attack yelling at her like that. Come up here why don't you?"

"One minute," Kerra said and looked around for the quickest way up. She spied a clothing shop not too far away on her level that had a law firm on Maru's level. She assumed (correctly) that there would be a public stairwell in the center of the column-like in the Drowned Goliath. She gave an apologetic nod to the clothing store cashier--who could not look more bored if he'd tried--and then shot up the stairs. The law firm receptionist didn't even look up when Kerra walked briskly through the lobby. Soon she had joined Maru on the walkway.

"What are you doing all the way up here in the Upper Crust?" Maru asked.

"I could ask you the same thing." Kerra lifted an eyebrow.

The woman chuckled. "Fair enough. We bottom-dwellers have got to see the top sometime or another, right?"

Kerra smiled. "I'm really just on a walk."

"That's quite a walk that led you all the way up here!"

"I'm trying to see as much of the city as possible," Kerra said. She considered telling the truth, but even though she knew Maru of all people would understand, Kerra didn't really want to talk about ghosts, aliens, and murder in such a public place. "What about you?"

There was a flash of hesitation across Maru's wrinkled face and she looked searchingly into Kerra's eyes. "Come, walk with me," she said.

Kerra followed dutifully as Maru led her down one walkway after another. It seemed like wherever they were going was pretty far off the beaten path and away from any main elevators or horizontal transport shuttles. Whenever they were far enough away from passersby, Maru explained.

"About a month ago I came across a person at the market in the Upper Downs. I don't know their name, but I've taken to calling them Hirschel. When I first met them they seemed extremely distressed, agitated, confused, and hungry. Both Hirschel and the circumstances surrounding our meeting are a bit unusual."

"Oh?" asked Kerra. She had absolutely no idea where this could be going.

"Hirschel has some anomalies that have made their physical appearance look out of the ordinary. This combined with their obvious distress made me sit up and pay attention. It appears that they're completely nonverbal. Or at least they have never spoken to me or responded to my questions in any way that I've perceived."

"I knew someone like that back in my old life," Kerra said.

Maru nodded. "Me too. One of my heroes growing up was a scientist from centuries ago who was autistic and nonverbal. They did some really groundbreaking research on animals on the surface." Maru shook her head. "Sorry, you're not here to listen to me talk about her. Hirschel was so agitated and confused that I figured I'd keep an eye on them, offer them some food. Maybe they got lost or needed a moment to calm down. There were-" Maru started another sentence before pausing for a moment.

She shook her head. "Sorry, you don't need to hear every detail of this encounter. Long story short, I waited with them and they didn't seem to know where to go and nobody came looking for them even after the market closed. I checked the missing persons report and there was nobody that matched their description there. I figured I'd give them some food and shelter for the night before talking to my contact at the Bureau of Persons the next day." At this point Maru slowed so she could look Kerra in the eye. "I want to make it very clear that I didn't kidnap Hirschel or anything. I'm not holding them against their will, they just don't seem to have anywhere else to go and don't have a way to communicate with me. They're free to come and go as they please, but they always come back to the apartment so they seem happy there."

"I get it," Kerra said. "I know you wouldn't do something like that."

"Okay," Maru said. "I just wanted to make sure I was clear." She cleared her throat and continued. "I brought them to an apartment I knew was furnished but empty and unwatched. A place where I knew they'd be safe."

"How'd you know about the apartment?"

"Oh, I own it but I never use it. I keep it around for times like this." Maru curved her lips in a secretive smile. "When you do questionably legal work like I do, you learn to have a getaway apartment prepped and ready to go."

Kerra stared at the woman. She knew Maru's bookshop was less than legal but she didn't realize it was risky enough to warrant having a backup home.

"Anyway, I gave my contact at the Bureau of Persons a description of Hirschel and she told me that there was no record of such a person. They have extremely distinctive features. It should've been pretty easy to find them and figure out where they belonged. But she said that officially, they didn't exist, and according to the microchip map, no one else was in the apartment with me."

"Lots of people remove or destroy their chips," Kerra said absently.

Maru paused. "Well I know that," she said, "but how do you know that?"

"Oh, right. I never mentioned that I... obtained one of the Bureau's complete records, did I?"

Maru looked amazed. "Absolutely not! You're going to tell me that story soon, but first let me finish mine."

Kerra nodded.

"Anyway, so officially, Hirschel doesn't exist and no one is looking for them. They seem to understand some things I wouldn't have expected them to but don't understand other, basic ideas. Like the holovid player in the apartment hasn't worked for a long time, but they fixed it the first day they were there. But then I give them the plainest, most regular food that I can manage and they look at it in confusion and disgust, though they do eat it. But who's confused by rice and beans? Tomatoes and corn? They must have had some weird parents to have kept them from the major food staples of the city." Maru shook her head.

They'd come to a nondescript apartment building. Kerra almost walked right past it as Maru stopped.

"So is this the apartment then?" Kerra asked.

"Yes," Maru said. "Obviously I'm counting on you to keep this a secret, Kerra. Hirschel is very vulnerable and I'm not sure what the government would do if they found out about them."

"You can count on me."

"Okay. Would you... like to meet them?" Maru looked unsure.

"Do you think it would be good?" Kerra asked, mirroring Maru's hesitancy.

Maru thought for a moment and then shrugged. "I don't see why it wouldn't be." She unlocked the door. "Hirschel!" she called. "I'm coming in! I brought a friend!"

The door opened to a living room that looked much like Kerra's, though the furniture was arranged differently. A person who Kerra could only assume was Hirschel stuck his head out of the doorway that would have led to Kerra's bedroom if this had been her apartment. Then they stepped all the way into view. As Maru had said, Hirschel must have had a couple different anomalies that altered their physical form. They were covered in short, ashy violet fur and their face was slightly elongated forward with blue eyes that were very far apart from each other, making them almost horse-like in appearance (from pictures Kerra had seen of horses). Their nose looked like an opened oyster, glistening and wet. Their ears seemed to be twitching lumps on the top of their head. They only had four fingers on each hand, and stood with a sort of slump forward, perhaps because they must have been nearly seven feet tall. Their clothes were ill-fitting and seemingly chosen at random.

"Hirschel, this is Kerra." Maru turned around to see Kerra was still just peeking in through the front door. "Come on in, Kerra. Don't be shy."

Kerra stepped into the room after Maru which is when Hirschel noticed her. They started back in surprise, and suddenly Kerra felt a slight feeling of recognition, which was strange because she knew with absolute certainty that she had never seen this person before in her life.

Maru gestured Kerra into the living room and onto an armchair. Hirschel continued to stare at Kerra the whole way. Their eyes--Kerra noticed now that they had rectangular pupils--began to narrow at her.

"Now, now, Hirschel," Maru said, noticing the tension, "Kerra is a friend."

Kerra nodded. "It's nice to meet you, Hirschel."

Hirschel remained silent, but walked stiffly over to another chair in the living room and sat on it.

"I'll make some dinner," Maru said brightly, and wheeled over to a room Kerra assumed was the kitchen.

Hirschel stared at Kerra.

Kerra tried not to stare back, but it was hard. "Nice cool temperature here in the Upper Crust," she tried saying, just to break the silence. "I don't get to come up here very often. I live in the Lower Downs and work in the Upper Mains." She swallowed dryly. "I heard you don't talk, but that's okay. Would you prefer if I was silent too?"

Hirschel gave a curt nod.

Kerra had not been expecting a response. She immediately shut up. Now all there was left to do was stare back at Hirschel. Why had she come in here? She should have declined when Maru had asked if she wanted to meet this person. There was no real benefit or reason for her to be here. She needed to get back out into the city to find Shandi's ghost friend.

Cooking sounds came from the kitchen.

From the bathroom, Kerra could hear a faucet drip.

At some point, Maru came back in to check on the two of them. "Wow, they're absolutely fascinated by you, Kerra!" Maru said beaming. "I can barely hold their attention."

This made Kerra even more uncomfortable, and when Maru turned around to go back into the kitchen, it was all Kerra could do to keep from crying out, "Take me with you!"

As something to break the awkward silence, Kerra decided to check up on Everen and see how she was doing. But before she could even reach out to her sister, the very moment Kerra opened the connection, something screamed inside her mind. Kerra jolted as if she had been punched. Her head filled with an overwhelming feeling of recognition that coalesced into three words.

I know you.

Hirschel grinned wickedly.


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47 Reviews


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Sun Apr 10, 2022 9:04 pm
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Birdman wrote a review...



Hey again Rook. I'm back with another review of your Connection story. I guess I'm in a slightly better place of understanding than I was when I looked at that last chapter. So let's just get right into the few thoughts that came to me while I was making my way through.

I think I'm understanding correctly that this was the other person on the end of the line when Everen was trying to communicate in the hospital. It's quite the sudden twist for the wholesome line of communication to be changed into something that's causing Kerra pain. Your focus on nonverbal communication throughout these past few chapters has been something I'm really interested in. I think I saw you reply to another review saying it's because of your knowledge of ASL?

Now I don't really know who any of these characters are. Even without knowing these people, I can still appreciate the amount of detail that goes into your sections of descriptions. When you go into your sections about what Hirschel looks like, my thoughts start to lean towards: "Well what are the beings in this universe supposed to look like? Are they humanoids on the closer end to looking like what the current version of humans look like?"

I mean my one criticism is the walls of text and I do have problems with seeing walls of text too often in chapters. Though it is better to have multiple large chunks than one chunk by itself. Like there's one wall section that's a mixture of dialogue and dialogue descriptions. That might be a point to look at breaking up the dialogue a little bit more with descriptions of what the characters are doing in that moment.

Compared to the last chapter, this one does intrigue me much more. Particularly from just the last few lines. Those are the lines that encourage me to go back to the beginning of your story, even though I rarely stray from my rule of only reviewing green room works. It's so hard to find works on YWS that actually intrigue the readers and draw them in further.

I think more of this story that I did before - which is a sort of rude way to say that I liked the story. I'm excited to read the rest of the chapters that are in the green room.

Birdman away again to return to the rafters of the Great Hall.

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Sat Dec 11, 2021 8:12 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hiya Rook! Lim jumping in here to leave a short review. I haven’t read the rest of the story, but I think I can follow this chapter well enough so I’m leaving some thoughts here.
When I first read this chapter, I found it really easy to follow the action and the characters’ motivations. Kerra is introduced trying to figure out who the stranger is, and then Maru is introduced seemingly wanting to protect Hirschel. (which is a great name, by the way) Based on the final lines, I’m guessing Hirschel either is or is connected to the “mysterious stranger”.

The frustrating part was that she couldn't focus on Shandi and focus on her surroundings at the same time so she had to go home and relax just to hear her sister say that, no, she hadn't seen the mysterious stranger.

This sentence was a little confusing to read, maybe because it’s so long. The “so” onwards kind of confused me, as it takes the character to a different place “to go hom and relax” and then suddenly introduces the “mysterious stranger”.

It seemed like wherever they were going was pretty far off the beaten path and away from any main elevators or [horizontal elevators. I forgot what I called these lol].

Trams? Walkalators/ travellators?

The old woman slowed to a stop and looked around. "Who's yelling at me?" she said, sounding a bit angry. The other people on Maru's level hurried to get around and away from her, as if they were afraid she was mad at them.

This part made me love Maru. I like that her character has contrasts and contradictions, i.e. she seems grumpy, but is nice enough to take Hirschel in.

I also love your descriptions and how they contribute to the worldbuilding.
Kerra looked up just in time to see the bottom of Maru's wheelchair rolling on the grated floor, swerving around pedestrians like a car in one of those old racing movies.

This one for instance makes a nice use of the floor being made of see-through material. It’s a dynamic sentence, with Kerra “just” making it to catch sight of the moving wheelchair. I’m not sure what a “grated” see-through floor would look like, (are there metal bars across it? does it have a rough texture?) but it sure does sound cool. (And a see-through floor is a nice way to make the setting futuristic!)

Maru turned around and peered down through the floor.

I also like that there’s continuity about the floor throughout the scene.

The woman chuckled. "Fair enough. We bottom-dwellers have got to see the top sometime or another, right?"

"About a month ago I came across a person at the market in the Upper Downs. I don't know their name, but I've taken to calling them Hirschel. When I first met them they seemed extremely distressed, agitated, confused, and hungry. Both Hirschel and the circumstances surrounding our meeting are a bit unusual."

Is it just me, or does Maru’s style of speech change between when she’s on the walkway and when she’s alone with Kerra? I have a feeling it’s an intentional bit of characterisation, but I’m not sure exactly what it is. For example, in the first quote, she seems a lot more curt and uses more colloquial language like "sometime or another", but in the second one her dialogue becomes more formal and specific, less hand-wavy. Then I think she goes back to the more hand-wavy, classic old woman style of speech when she offers to make food later on.

Hirschel seems like an interesting character. My favourite lines of description about them were:
Their nose looked like an opened oyster, glistening and wet. Their ears seemed to be twitching lumps on the top of their head.

“opened oyster” is just so creative and vivid, and having their ears move about makes them seem more, I don’t know, alive, given that they haven’t done anything just yet at this point.

Overall, I’m left eager to see what Hirschel means to say to Kerra, and where they know each other from. I wonder how Maru will react knowing her new friend knows Kerra and seems to (maybe) have wicked intentions.

Hope some of this is helpful. Good luck with writing!
-Lim




Rook says...


Thank you for the review! That was a good note about Maru's dialogue. I bet that formality came about because I as the author recognized I was treading some kind of dicey waters wrt disability and autonomy and assumptions and I wanted to be clear and straightforward about what exactly happened and what the motivations were. Overall I'm wondering if I should do more handwaving and have Maru be much more relaxed about the whole thing like, "oh yeah I found this guy and they live here now nbd" or if the clarity is good and the change in tone fits the change in seriousness of the discussion or if I should try to thread the needle between Maru's normal voice and giving a clear explanation.
Do you have thoughts on that?



Liminality says...


Ah, I see! That does make sense. I do think that making just the word choices a bit more relaxed might work, while keeping in the same information that Maru gives Kerra as it is. Because I do like that she explains the situation in detail, as it shows her consideration for Hirschel. For example:

"I want to make it very clear that I didn't kidnap Hirschel or anything. I'm not holding them against their will, they just don't seem to have anywhere else to go and don't have a way to communicate with me. They're free to come and go as they please, but they always come back to the apartment so they seem happy there."


I almost thought she was a bit on the defensive here just based on the word choices like "make it very clear", even though Kerra hadn't said anything suggesting she thinks Maru kidnapped Hirschel? I think Maru saying something like "They come and go as they please, but they always come back to the apartment, so I guess they live here now" might be just as fine as well while keeping the same style for her dialogue?




The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
— Patrick Star