~1210 words
A few hours later, Kerra opened her door to a small crowd of people. Front and center was her sister Shandi. Underneath Shandi’s many cybernetic enhancements was the same light brown skin that Kerra used to have. Shandi had shaved half her head to expose a cybernetic metal plate embedded into her skull. The hair on the other half of her head was shoulder-length and dyed red at the end. When Kerra wore wigs, they were usually very short.
“Won’t you all come in?” Kerra said graciously to the group of people. She recognized almost all of them.
“A pleasure to see you again, Kerra,” said Maxwell “The Grin” Smiley, the immaculately coiffed business man.
“Likewise,” Kerra said with a nod, and The Grin gave her a full smile. After a terrible accident, he’d had facial reconstruction that had left him with a permanent half-grin stitched into his light skin.
No Name just nodded at Kerra and followed The Grin into the room. No Name was mysterious and quiet, and they had a scar by their eye that wrapped around under their jaw.
“How are you doing, Kerra?” George “Numbers” Ramirez, said, clapping Kerra on the back, which caused her to stumble forward a bit.
“Better now that you’re here,” Kerra said with a grin. A large man with rounded shoulders, rectangular glasses, and an easy laugh, Numbers had various numbers and letters tattooed in iridescent ink on his arms. The glowing symbols provided a striking contrast to his black skin.
“Hi Kerra,” said a wavery voice. Angela “Angelface” Lefebvre was a skinny woman with pale, ashen skin and limp, blonde hair. Kerra thought she always looked sickly and sad, but right now, she was giving Kerra a gentle, knowing smile.
“Good to see you again, Angel.” Kerra turned to the last person lingering at the door’s entrance. They were short with patchy red marks on their pale skin and had short orange hair that spiked up in all directions. They were twitching and fidgeting, clenching and unclenching their jaw.
“And who are you?” Kerra asked patiently. She was anxious to close the door but didn’t want to risk agitating this new member of Shandi’s gang.
“That’s Casey. Casey Byrne,” came Shandi’s voice from the living room. She was already sprawled out on Kerra’s green couch. The other gang members, not having anywhere to sit, were awkwardly standing by. “But we’ve taken to calling them Blast Boy. Now would you come in already Blast? you’re letting all the bad air in.”
Blast boy came reluctantly inside, pulling the door shut behind them.
“Make yourselves at home,” Kerra said, making her way to the kitchen. “There’s some chairs here by the table. Shandi, move your butt and let your friends sit down. I will not be a rude hostess because my sister wants to hog the couch.”
There was a bustle of activity and a scrape of chairs as everyone got comfortable. Kerra brought over a plate of cookies that had just come out the oven.
“How have you been, dear sister of mine?” Shandi asked, still somehow managing to lounge on the couch, despite the fact she was sharing it with Numbers and Angelface.
“Oh, you know me. Same old, same old. Talked to the council today. Bought a new book last week. It’s pretty good. You?” Kerra passed around the plate of cookies. She noticed that No Name took two, and that made her smile. No Name always looked like they didn’t get enough to eat.
“Oh, nothing interesting has happened recently that I haven’t told you about,” Shandi said dismissively.
“Well, this is the first time I’m hearing about your lovely new friend here,” Kerra said, gesturing at Blast Boy, who snarled.
“No need for that, Blastie,” Shandi said, tutting. “Kerra’s our friend.”
“She’s not my friend,” Blast Boy muttered.
“You’ll have to excuse them,” Shandi said, but gave no further explanation of Blast Boy’s behavior. “I suppose I didn’t tell you about a few new things, then.” She yawned, leaned on Numbers’s shoulder, and laid her legs across Angel’s lap.
Kerra raised an eyebrow. “Like that metal plate in your skull?”
Shandi brightened. “Yes! I’m so glad you’ve noticed. I got some brain work done.”
Kerra gaped. “And you didn’t tell me? Shandi! That’s a major surgery!”
Shandi rolled her eyes. “Stop living in the past, Ker. The operation I got was hardly anything.”
“You still should have told me!”
“What, are you trying to be Mom?” Shandi shot back. “I don’t answer to you, or anyone.”
“I agree with Kerra,” The Grin said lightly. “While it was a fairly standard procedure, it would have been polite to have told Kerra about it.” His voice was a musical baritone, partly obstructed by his half-frozen lips.
Shandi rolled her eyes again.
“What’s it for, anyway?” Kerra asked, trying to diffuse the tension.
She perked up again. “It’s so I can access the net just by thinking. It’s really convenient.”
“Couldn’t they already do that though? Without the use of plates?” Kerra asked.
Numbers answered, “Yes, but she wanted it fully self-customizable.”
“True,” Shandi said, “but I also did it because it looks full rad.”
“Do you really want to tinker with that? It’s your brain¸ after all,” Kerra said, horrified.
Shandi shrugged. “It’s my brain. If anyone’s tinkering with it, it should be me, right?”
Kerra just shook her head.
“Speaking of cybernetic modifications,” Shandi continued, “When are you going to get that awful skin replaced? The glowing circuit look is… quaint, I’ll give you that, but that’s some really old technology you’ve got there.”
“It’s fine. I like it. I don’t mind.”
“But doesn’t it hurt you whenever someone touches you?” Angelface asked. Her sad eyes now looked with real concern at Kerra. “Whenever you touch something else?”
“It’s fine,” she repeated. “I’m used to it. It doesn’t even hurt that much.”
“Unless it’s a lot of pressure,” Shandi pointed out. “Like if someone hugs you or shakes your hand too hard.”
“I’m sure they could replace it,” The Grin added. “Why won’t you do it?”
Kerra groaned. “You have no idea what it was like, getting my whole skin replaced. Every part of it. Not just the parts of it that suited me. All of it. I never want to do that ever again. It’s painful when people touch me, it’s painful when people stare at me like some kind of freak. But those things will never be as painful as that experience was. How I know it will be again.”
A beat of silence.
“You’re not a freak,” said No Name softly.
Kerra looked up. No Name’s jaw was set, determined. When she looked around at all the others, they each wore similar expressions. Then she realized. Around her were people who had likely been called freaks their whole lives. Kerra buried her face in her hands, wincing at the pain the swift motion brought. “Sorry,” she mumbled.
“What’s to be sorry about?” Blast Boy suddenly said, their voice full of passion. “Nothing! That’s what.”
Kerra peeked up through her fingers at Blast Boy, who was pointing. Kerra smiled, amazed that this person she had just met could be so adamant in defending her from her own negativity. “Thanks,” she said. “I needed that.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
And we continue.
First Impression: Okayy...a lot of characters introduce in there. Bit of a list kind of feel there. It's a little bit too much almost but then I have done the same thing in the past so I dunno if I should be saying this. The characters are unique enough to understand but it does feel like a lot. The nicknames are a really fun addition though.
Anyway let's get to it,
Well that must be hard to eat with.
Well she should probably have introduced him as she came in but then this does tell us quite a bit about her personality so there's that.
That sounded almost like she wasn't expecting her to notice. I mean a metal plate covering half you skull is ridiculously hard to spot isn't it?
That opens up some very interesting possibilities. Also how did Kerra not even accidentally pick on this sort of change in her sister's brain through her telepathy.
Famous last words.
Kerra just shook her head.
So it can be replaced. And it hurts when you touch it. So...is it hurting her to wear tight clothes?? Do the clothes not count?? And how can she sit without being in pain? Or is she in pain when she's sitting down?
Well that was a nice little show of support for here.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Well this one had a lot less info dumping. Some pretty nice character introductions. I can already see some pretty unique qualities. The conversation felt slightly expositional rather than just casual small talk but it was relatively okay. And we get a good sense of the relationship this group shares.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey thanks for the reviews! As a general heads up to you, I wrote this novel for the last man standing contest which demands 1000 words every week without missing a week. So pretty much every "chapter" is actually shorter than what a real chapter would be (like chapters 1 and 2 would normally be together as you noticed). A lot of people do stuff like calling their chapters like, 1.1, 1.2, 2.1, etc. but I like knowing about how many words I've written (at least 41k) just by looking at the number of chapters!
Also these first 3 chapters have very little plot, sorry! I'm bad at beginnings and I just wanted to get my worldbuilding and characters out there so I could refer back later. there's no way these chapters are gonna stay in future revisions haha
Your Welcome!!
Oh that makes so much more sense.
Ah well that happens...good luck with your future revisions!!
Fortinator!
But I'm super excited to read this and see where you take us in this chapter. I'm half suspecting Shandi is going to show up with all her rough friends (minus Markus), and I AM SO READY FOR IT. Let's get started...
Again, can't say I didn't warn you on that one
Can I just mention how I see your writing style improving in this chapter already? Like, this is very nice description, and doesn't feel overly-telly, like the previous chapters were like tip-toeing around (or sometimes just jumping squarely into that camp unapologetic-ally lol). I like this contrast between the sisters.
Like, I already know from the later chapters that Shandi is more of a free-spirit, but even this physical description kind of gives a nice insight into her character. I like it.
Ooh! I also quite like this visual image. You have quite striking characters and I just love it.
Do you mean for her to say that Kerra is our friend? Or is she still insisting that she herself is his friend?
~ ~ ~
Awwww, it's official. I love them. They're such adorable little hardasses xD
Although, this was a lot of characters to toss at us all at once, especially with all their nicknames. I rescind what I said about their names being odd when other people had 'normal' names in your world -- nicknames totally makes sense, especially since they're in a gang. But it is a lot to not only have all these new characters tossed at us but also their nicknames.
I don't think it was too many, per se, since I could mostly keep them straight. But there was a moment of hesitation at the No Name cookie comment, since I couldn't quite remember who he was, and my mind momentarily mixed him up with The Grin. And, granted, my brain is notoriously bad at keeping characters straight -- but it might not be a horrible idea to introduce them a tiny bit more gradually?
Otherwise, I adored this chapter as well! And I think that's all I've got for you on this one.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Part Three ->
There's something funky about those names. I'm up to part six and I'm getting used to them but they're a little bit odd.
Shandi seems far less mature than her sister at this point, even though they're of the same age. Later on her assertiveness evens it out but at this point I'm not sure what to make of it.
I read this before bed and got thinking on what it would be like to have access to the net at all times, and about modern internet addictions and how there are people who check notifications hundreds of times per day- and it suddenly made me realise just how terrible the thought of that is, even without the brain tinkering aspect of it.
There's something quite beautifully solemn about this chapter. At first I couldn't see how all these characters had come to be in the same place and assumed it was just a happenstance of the story, but that line about them all being called freaks their whole lives really got me. The peculiarity of their descriptions and their names kind of fits into place a bit more now.
The one thing that catches me a bit is that, with these being the first set of characters to introduced, I don't really have a reference point that I can compare them too. For much of this chapter I just assumed that weird enhancements and odd nicknames were just a casual part of the society they're in, so it might be worth developing that aspect just a little bit more beforehand.
-> Part Four
Hi again fortis!
It's so interesting to finally meet (up close and personal) some of the other inhabitants of Abyssia. And they seem super cool, too!
This is just a tiny thing, but saying something like "she stumbled forward a bit under the force" instead of "which caused..." might sound a little better?
Before, the gang sounded sort of edgy? But Kerra seems familiar and comfortable with all of them--I'm really just wondering why its phrased as "didn't want to risk agitating...". Maybe it's somewhat closer to not wanting to get off on the wrong foot than not wanting to set him off? I'm not quite sure how it's meant.
I love the subtle shift in Kerra's personality, and how she seems to be more confident and comfortable around Shandi and her gang!
Did you mean to say Kerra?
To me this feels a touch... out of place, perhaps? It makes sense that he might say he agrees with Kerra, but it just seems a little formal, like he might be more likely to say something like, "Kerra does have a point."
Oh dang, did we know that before? Yikes. That does put things in perspective.
Near the end, also, Kerra realizes that they could all be defined as "freaks"--I still wonder why she thinks she's so out of place? Maybe it's just because average people (I mean, these guys are all in a gang, after all) don't do that sort of thing.
I do love, though, that she's so adamant about not going through having her skin changed again. She doesn't take these things as lightly as her sister seems to, and this gives the impression that she's sort of the foundation holding her whole family together, which I really like. I also love seeing the differences between Kerra and Shandi in this chapter! Although Shandi seems to shrug off almost everything, I hope she and Kerra have some heart-to-heart moment in the future or something like that.
Sorry I didn't have much to say on this chapter, but I really liked it a lot!
-Q
Hello again!
Oh man, I know we met a lot of characters but I adore all of them. I really like the way you identify each of them with nicknames and their own body modifications. It helps to set them apart and give them each a bit of personality straight from the get-go.
I do wonder if these introductions are doing ALL the work they could be doing. The way they're intro'd as they walk in and say hi starts to feel a bit repetitive, and I get the sense you're introducing them this way - with some dialogue and some action - to avoid it feeling info-dumpy. But I actually think you could have the whole gang tramp in and settle into Kerra's apartment, and THEN have Kerra go through the list all at once. Or even have her go through them somewhat more slowly as she talks to Shandi and they all weigh in.
Although, I do wonder about Kerra and Shandi's conversation about Shandi's surgery. It feels like the kind of thing they might discuss in private, rather than together. How well does Kerra know Shandi's friends? Would being upset about her surgery tick any of them off, since they also all seem to have body modifications of their own?
Maybe Kerra and Shandi always air their family drama in front of these people, but I think I'd like to see that acknowledged. Or, at least, get a better sense of Kerra's relationship to these people.
The only other thing I noticed was that Blast Boy seems to swap personality super fast. He's distant and antagonistic toward Kerra, but I don't really understand what makes him shift to supportive so quickly. We don't need it all laid out for us, but maybe there's something in how he holds himself that can give us a hint. Has he also experienced pain like Kerra has? Has something triggered a moment of sympathy?
Otherwise, I'm still loving reading this! The world is so rich and I can tell these characters are going to have some super interesting relationships and interactions with each other. Thanks so much for sharing, and keep writing!
--Lauren
Fooooort. So I saw your plea on your wall and then scifi and Lauren said it was good and she's so right. I don't entirely know how to review fiction, so here we go:
I love love love the world building going on. I am curious about the pain associated with the skin replacement? Simply because if brain surgery is something to be remotely blase about (or maybe that's just Shandi? I kind of love her "the plate looks cool" attitude), then the thought that it's still that painful rings a bit off - but, then again, it's also skin and probably peeling it off and I'm not sure how you would numb it exactly (and then there's the whole "surgery is basically a knife fight the surgeon won" analogy and then extrapolate out to replacing all the skin and we're back to it being really painful).
How would Shandi's new modification affect her sisters, if at all? I mean, if they are linked telepathically, could the surgery have done something to their link? Or is there link remotely understood? Is there some kind of conspiracy from whoever's running things to attempt to control Shandi and therefore all three of them?
Anyway, I'm enjoying this so far!
(and the housing bit in the last chapter. Fort, you would my soul with dirt cheap housing, but oh, is it an interesting twist)